- Sydney, Australia -
*8:48 PM*
I got out my pen and journal then sat on my bed. Breathing in and out, I closed my eyes.
Re-opening them, I put the pen on the paper and started writing.
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Dear Ashton,
Today, I saw you through a computer screen, like always. But it wasn't always like this. In highschool, you were the sweet and nice popular drummer boy. You were charming as ever, with your dirty blonde hair and your huge dimples. You never gave me a second glance. Ever. I was the ugly nerdy loser, remember me? Probably not.
Anyways, I saw you. I just wish I can kiss you. Show you my love for you, but you don't notice me. Like all your fans out there. You have so many you can't notice all of them. Some of them don't have money. They cant afford to see you even though they love you. They love you so much but you can't see, feel, their love for you. Bc you only focus on the ones that give themselves to you. They go to your concerts, they look at your twitcams, they pay to see you. Well, some of us girls out here that love you, just don't seem to be seen. Or rich.
In high school, ( Sophomore Year ) I over heard a convo between you and Victoria, your best friend. You told her you wanted to be a drummer. She laughed and tease you, pinching your cheek and calling you drummer boy, but then she got serious and said she believed in you.
You smiled at her, your dimpled smile and gave her a quick hug before returning to your lunch. You had banana milk, your favorite drink, and drank it. I sat at the table near the trash. No one sat by me. People mostly threw scraps of food at me and you seem to see that, but never did anything.
I ignore them and ate my vegan salad with tofu. People made fun of me, beat me physically bc they seem to not like me being different, being me. You laughed a long with them, why? I still loved you, I still kept my love for you inside.
I remember the bell rang, you standing up and throwing away your lunch and empty bottle of banana milk. Victoria was beside you along with your other friends. That day. They came at me, spilling milk on me and throwing ham at me. I just sat there, taking the pain, abuse, name calling, everything. I knew you saw me, I felt your eyes staring at the back of my head, but you still didn't do anything. I heard your footsteps walking away with Victoria then completely silence filled the air. I was alone, like always.
Tears were sliding down my cheek, as I threw away my food and headed towards the bathroom. I pulled at the parts of my hair that were covered in ham. Sobbing, I wrinse my hair with water from the sink. Drying my hair with the paper towels, I looked at myself in the mirror. My clothes were wrinkled and my face was bright pink, it was ugly, like me. Washing my face with the cheap soap the school provided, I seem to stop crying. I sniffled and dried my face.
My clothes were wet that day, so I had to go home. I didn't rat out your friends bc i knew they'll come for me. I told Kim that I wasn't feeling well and she excused me to get my things and leave. Walking back to my locker, I heard a moan from the janitors closet. I walked closer and heard it was you, with a girl.
I heard the girl say "oh Ashton" and soon found out it was Jasmine. Jasmine was a lot of things but sweet wasn't one of them. She bullied me, hurt me, pushed me and made sure that I never got up. With tears in my eyes, I walked quickly to my locker and got my things before walking out of the school that was my worst nightmare. I ran to my car, never looking back and hopped in. Shoving the key in, I drove away.
I drove fast to my house, parking in the driveway, I headed towards the front door and ran in. My vision was blurry, me not knowing where I was going, I bumped into the wall. I fell back and held my hand, crying louder from the pain. But that pain wasn't close to what you caused me.
I got up quickly and ran to my room. Slamming the door shut, I sat down on the floor and cried. Cried till I couldn't anymore. All I remember was my sobs quieting down, and blackness overcame my vision.
When I woke up, I was still on the floor and my face was sticky from my salty tears from the day before. I got up that day and took a shower, scrubbing my skin. In my head, the moan and words kept replaying and replaying in my head. I haven't done this in a long time. But I couldn't resist. I took my razor and pressed it again my skin, tear in my eyes, I saw blood slowly coming out. It hurt a lot, but once again, it wasn't close to what you caused me.
I put the razor in a different spot and slid it against my skin. Putting down the razor quickly, I let out a loud cry, holding onto my wrist, trying to stop my blood. I sat down in the tub and cried. Knowing that you'll never notice me. I let the hot steaming water fall onto my skin. I quickly got out and covered my body with a towel. Walking back into my room, shutting the door tightly, I let the towel fall. Looking in the full length mirror, all I saw was this bruised, red eyed girl. With dark brown hair and gray eyes. Her hair wet and her body slouching. She had no thigh gap, nothing to show off. Her breasts were too big for her body, and her body was too small for her breasts. She had curves and wide thighs. She hated how she look, she wasn't fat nor skinny, but she felt ugly.
I looked away in disgust and dressed myself with a pair of white skinny jeans and an thrift shop boughten blue sweater. I popped on my worn out vans and got my back pack. Blow drying my hair i put on chapstick and some cheap concealer. Tying my hair up in a high ponytail I get out of the bathroom and head towards downstairs. I remember having to walk to school since my parents took the old grandpa car. It was cloudy that day, so I ran to school. At lunch I sat down and felt something squishy underneath. I looked down and saw that it was chocolate mousse. Your table roared in laughter looking at me. I remember the smell, the smell that I'm so sick of. They told everyone I shit my pants, which only made you laugh with Victoria.
I got up that day and ran to the bathroom, hearing laughter behind me. I cleaned myself up and went to my locker, silently crying. I put in the combo and opening it forcefully. Hitting the other locker, with me not giving a shit, I grabbed my gym shorts and t-shirt. Running into the girls restroom I quickly changed and threw away my only good pants.
I didn't go back there that day. I never did, I ate in the library bc I knew I'll be bullied if I went back. I don't know why I still loved you. You laughed, bullied, at me. But the worse thing you ever did to me was.
Never loving me back.
Sincerely,
Claire Davidson.
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I swipe away my tears and put my pen down. I love Ashton. I love Ashton Irwin. I might just seem like another crazy fan but it's different. I knew him ever since preschool. He was the fun and crazy guy with his cute dimples. He was the reason I'm still here today. Whenever I listen to his songs, all I listen to is his voice and the beating of the drum.
Hi, I'm Claire Davidson. I'm 19 years old, 20 in a month. I graduated from high school a year ago. In elementary, middle, high school. I was in love with Ashton Irwin. The drummer boy from 5SOS. He never notice me. & I can't afford to go to any of his concerts. He goes here to Sydney sometimes, but I never get to talk or see him. I'm captured. In my own house. 2 years ago my dad died from a car crash. My mother has been a drunken mess that's horny all the time and abuses me. Mother is stronger than me, even tho I'm taller. Mother locked me in my own room. She sealed the windows and only let me take showers when I needed to. She gave me her left over food and called me names. I work of course. 3 jobs. One at a video store and two at Macca's ( Australian McDonald's ) I remember that was Ashton's favorite place to go to. & he worked daily at the video store until he had to quit to join 5SOS. & babysitting. I babysit anyone's kid or kids. Right now, I'm babysitting Ashton's siblings. Yeah surprising. Not really bc he's on tour with 1D so there's no way in hell I'll get to meet him.
I'm saving up to get away. Not for college at all. I can give two shits about college. I want to get a small apartment and live on my own. That's my dream. To get away from mother. I still have no friends. People at work despise me and give me ugly looks. I'm been an outcast my entire life. It only got worse when people found out my father died.
I write letters to Ashton I know he'll never read but there's always something in the back of head saying that there's hope.
I write how I feel about him and write down what happen in high school. Not like he'll remember everything.
I place my pen and journal under my pillow and fall back. Pulling the blanket up to my chin and let my eyes shut before falling asleep.
A/n : Okay! I know I'm starting to write a lot of stories but this one came to me. I love Ashton with all my heart! The way he plays the drum and his voice. & his laugh oh my gawd. He's perfect in my eyes. Anyways, this story is a part of 'Beside You' but it's in Claire's POV and she doesn't really know anything about Ashton and Victoria. This is a different book, not like the rest, y'all expect a girl gets a guy. But in the end, there's no happy ending.