By the time I got home earlier than usual with Mr. Rodwell's promise of being there in a couple of hours ringing in my ears, I was perfectly sure this was the worst decision of my life. As far as bad decisions go, I have made enough in my life to fill the Grand Canyon. But this one? This was the ultimate one. The mother of all bad decisions. The one single decision Satan had been conspiring to lead me to from the moment I was born.
I couldn't go and live with Mr. Rodwell! I simply couldn't. Hadn't I been told all my life that doing things just like these got you in trouble? Okay, fine, I got into trouble even without doing anything rash, but that's beside the point. To think that I had actually just agreed to live in a man's house! I had to call him and tell him immediately that the plan was off. I had to. I will just pull out my phone...
But... My hand retreated from where it had been reaching for the purse.
But he was right. This wasn't a normal situation. The state of affairs was dire. My life was in fact at risk. Sometimes you had to hide in a bear's cave to escape the lion. Once the lion was gone, then you could start thinking about how to escape the bear. Not that Mr. Rodwell was a bear. He was more of a sleek, cunning wolf. He was...
I was in so much trouble.
When I reached home and opened the door to find Ella and Hannah huddled in front of the T.V., I still hadn't any idea about how I was going to break the news to them. And I didn't have much time either. Mr. Rodwell would come over to pick us up in about an hour's time. Clearly I would just have to meet the situation head-on and improvise as I went along.
On hearing the creak of the door, Ella and Hannah turned around with identical terrified expressions on their faces. Granny Tonks, sitting snugly in her armchair, reached for something buried between the armrest and her side.
This fear, I told myself, you are doing this to make sure this fear was wiped from their faces.
On seeing it was only me, Ella's frown immediately dissolved into an expression of pure joy, mixed here and there with relief. "Mommy!" she screamed, like she always greeted me. Scrambling over the back of the sofa, she bounded forward and threw her little arms around my middle hard enough to knock me over if I hadn't been used to it by now and been leaning against the doorjamb already. "Mommy, you scared us! We thought it was Hannah's father!" She buried her face in my middle. "Oh, Mommy, I am so glad it isn't him!"
"Of course it isn't him, darling. I told you he won't come here anymore." I ruffled her hair with my hand and turned toward Hannah, who was standing a little way in the middle of the room, her hands twisted together uncomfortably, a sad expression on her face as she watched Ella. I held my hand towards her. "Hannah, honey, I should tell you, I am used to getting a hug from everyone in the house when I come home." Descrying Granny Tonks trying to heave herself off the armchair, I hurried to add. "A hug from the kids."
It took Hannah a moment to decide whether I was in earnest or not. Then she ran forward and attached herself on my side, since Ella was hogging all the place in the middle. I stroked her hair. "That's what I am talking about," I encouraged.
Ella untangled herself from around me and looked into my face. "Mommy? Why are you home early?"
Damnation. Alright, it's now or never.
I took a deep breath. "Yes, Ella, that's something I need to talk to all of you about. Come sit on the couch, will you?"
She looked at me with confused eyes, but let go so I could walk towards the sofa. Hannah didn't seem to realised it was necessary to move away for me to walk freely and remained stuck to my side. I had to use some clever manoeuvres to get to my destination, but finally I managed.
I sat down with relief, Hannah falling down alongside. She didn't let go. Ella took the remote control, shut off the T.V., and sat down on the coffee table before me. She knew I didn't tolerate behaviour like this. But she also knew that I had a tendency of showing leniency towards bad conduct if I had to say something serious. The girl knew how to cash her advantages alright.
You taught her well, an annoying voice said in my head. I ignored it.
Granny Tonks heaved up from the armchair again and threw her considerable body down on my other side. The cloying scent of tobacco assaulted my nostrils. This was one of those times when I wondered if the advantages of a free house were worth getting lung cancer for. At least she usually opened the window when she smoked, and refrained partially from the tendency when Ella was around. But that didn't stop the heavy scent from sticking to her like perfume.
"So, girl, what is it you did this time?"
I rolled my eyes. "I didn't do anything," I said. Didn't I?
"Then what's all this suspense about? You know I have a tender heart." She threw her arm around the back of the sofa and proceeded to chew the pipe like a gangster.
I took another deep breath (I just couldn't get enough of them). Then I said, "Okay, guys, here's the things. We are going to have to move out of this house and live at another place for the time being. I-"
Granny jerked beside me. I looked at her. Her face had gone as pale as death and she was clutching at her chest like she wanted to give herself CPR. Her eyes widened. The pipe fell from her mouth in one long slobbery thread.
"Granny?" I asked, panicking. "You can't possibly be getting a heart attack now!" You might think I was being mean, but if you knew all the times she had played dead, you won't feel sorry for her either. She was a willy old goat.
"What was it, Zara?" she whispered. Her breath hit me in the nose. She didn't look like she was getting a heart attack anymore, but neither did she look like she was playing around. "What was it? What did I do?"
It took me a moment to catch on with what she was actually trying to say. When I finally got there, I wanted to smack myself on the butt from here till November. What an idiot I was...
"No, Granny!" I hurried to reassure before her heart actually did expire. "I didn't mean that we were leaving home! What I meant was that we were all going! You too!"
She looked at me with narrowed eyes, not trusting, but the hand on her chest loosened. "You mean, wherever it is you're talking about, we're going together?"
"Yes, Granny, that's what I meant," I asserted.
She looked at me for a long time, and then threw her hands upwards hard enough to shake the couch. "You couldn't have started with that?"
"How was I supposed to know you loved us so much?"
"I don't love you. You're a head-strong, stubborn, rude and mean pain in the arse!"
I sighed. "Let's discuss this later, shall we? I am sure you can do better than that."
"Humph!"
I turned to the more rational and mature of my audience to argue my case, one of whom was picking her nose.
"Ella!" I snapped. This was one thing I was never lenient about.
"No one's here to see, Mommy!" she whined, digging deeper.
"I can see!" I said furiously, grabbing her hand and shoving it into her lap. "Don't you ever do that again."
She slumped her shoulders dramatically. "Alright."
"Now will you please let me tell you the news I brought?" I shrugged my shoulder, jostling Hannah. "Hannah, darling, you still there?" I asked.
She lifted her head up and smiled at me. "Yes, go on. I am listening." Then she burrowed back down again.
"Alright, then," I said, nodding. "Like I said, we might have to move out of this house for a moment and stay with someone else for a wh-"
"But why, Mommy?" Ella interrupted.
"It's... it's just that there's something Mommy has to do. And while I do that, I would be much happier if all of you were safe."
"What do you have to do?" she asked immediately, like I knew she would.
"Well..." I floundered. I didn't want to lie to them, but there was no way I was going to tell the children the truth. One day, maybe I would. One day, but not now. I looked Ella deep in the eye. "Ella, listen to me and listen carefully. I don't want to lie to you." I looked around, including Granny and the back of Hannah's head. "I don't want to lie to any of you. There's just something that I have to take care of. Something that's very important. But please don't ask me what it is. I-one day I might tell you. But you will have to wait for it. I-I just can't tell you, not now."
Ella pursed her lips. She knew when I made up my mind, it was pointless trying to change it. But that didn't mean she had to like it.
Hannah lifted her head from my shoulder and stared at me with big blue eyes. "Aunty Zara?" she asked, her voice shaking. She had taken to calling me that after hearing Ella use the title with Tasha. I assume some kind of kinship associated with it appealed to her--like, again, it did with Ella and Tasha. "Is this because of me? Do you have to leave because of me?"
"What? Sweetheart, no!" I reassured, putting an arm firmly around her and pulling her close. If I pulled her any nearer, she would have to crawl into my skin. "This has nothing to do with you. This has nothing to do with any of you," I added, looking at all of them in turn. "Please don't ask me anymore questions," I begged. "I cannot bear lying to you."
Ella still had that belligerent look in her eyes. "So, where are we going?" she asked.
"Well, do you people remember the man who was here a few days ago?"
"My father?" Hannah immediately asked, her body shaking.
"No, Hannah, not your father. I am talking about the other man. The-"
"Aunty Tasha's boyfriend?" Ella interrupted.
"No, not that one either, the oth-"
"The big, tall, mean and scary one?" Ella asked again.
I sighed. "Ella, this is not a quiz. But yes, that one exactly," I said. "He's my boss. We will be living with him for a week or so."
Ella's eyes widened till they were as big as her nose. "Your boss?" she asked, sounding slightly chocked.
I understood her reaction perfectly. "Yes, Ella, him. But don't worry, he usually doesn't bite."Quote and unquote Geric.
"Are you sure?" she wanted to know.
"Yes, darling."
"Oh," she said, relaxing a little. But after a moment she looked at me again. Her eyes might not have been big and round now, but they were in another shape that I had learned to fear more than any other of her expressions.
Oh, good god above, she's thinking...
"Why do we have to live with him, Mommy? Why can't we stay with Aunt Tasha? If we do have to leave our house, we can just go to Aunt Tasha's, can't we?"
"Darling, please. I know you would like to stay with Tasha, but, well, her place isn't as safe as you think. And I need you to be perfectly safe."
"But Aunty Tasha lives in a big building!" she argued. "There's even a man on the gate! How's your boss's place safer than hers?"
She was right, in a sense, of course. Tasha did in fact live in a big and secure place. She did in fact have security. But if I was going to follow through with this demented plan, I needed to be perfectly sure that my babies were going to be okay. And a non-personal security detail couldn't hope to accomplish what I had in mind. Mr. Rodwell's house would be protected by people in his direct employ, and they would make sure they did a good job or risk getting their asses handed to them. Moreover, Tasha might be loaded with money, but she wasn't as rich as him. And this once, I would happily let my family live with a stranger and be completely sure of their safety than with a friend and be uncertain.
"She does, Ella, but please. Mr. Rodwell's place is far safer."
"Momm-"
"Ella, enough," I said harshly.
She shut her mouth, shocked. Her eyes started swimming.
"Ella, honey," I tried again, tiredly rubbing my brow. "Honey, please, I beg you. I'm just so tired right now and you keep asking me these questions. Baby girl, please just do what Mommy says and I will tell you everything else later. Okay?"
She gave me a stiff nod. The little tears were still in her eyes.
"Alright, then. Why don't all of you go and pack whatever it is you will need for about a week or so, huh?"
Ella immediately got off the table and rushed to the room, pulling the door open and banging it behind her.
"That's not only your room, feisty!" I yelled. "The rest of us live there too!"
Something crashed inside. I hoped it wasn't anything valuable.
"That is going to come back and bite you in the ass, you know that, don't you?" Granny commenting, looking at the closed door with concern.
I sighed. "I know." Then I turned my attention to the girl beside me. "Hannah, darling, you have to go pack too."
She pulled her head up slowly. "I don't have anything to pack," she said, her voice slightly soft.
I looked at her, eyebrows raised. Goodness, I had completely forgotten that all her things had gotten burned down in Meli's old house! I had noticed her walking around in Ella's clothes, but hadn't given it a thought, so busy making sure she felt at home that I had almost forgotten to actually make this her home.
"Oh, honey, I am so sorry," I said, tucking her hair unnecessarily behind the ear. "I didn't even think about that. We will have to get you some things of your own, now won't we? And we will do that. But for now, why don't you go and pack some more things of Ella's? Her clothes fit you, right? You could share with her."
"She won't mind?"
"Of course she won't!" I reassured. "Ella is a sweetheart! And she already thinks of you like a sister."
"Okay," Hannah nodded. Then she got up and went to the room too, making sure to open the door cautiously. When no flying projectile came barrelling towards her head, she breathed a sigh of relief and entered.
"Ella, honey, pack some of Granny's and my things too," I called. "I need to call Aunty Tasha. And make sure none of you forget toothbrushes!" Then I turned towards Granny. "You are not allowed to bring any of the things you are hiding under you armchair. Especially not the cat claws necklace."
"Oh, come on," she exclaimed, looking at me furiously. "You always ruin all the fun!"
"Go and help the girls, will you? I don't need to hear this right now. I think I will have my hands full already, trying to explain myself to Tasha."
"I hope you know what you're doing, girl," she said as she got up.
"I hope I do too," I whispered, hunting for the phone in my purse.
After I got it out, I hesitated only a moment before dialling. This moment was going to come no matter what. No sense in delaying doom.
"Zara!" Tasha yelled in my ears.
"Hello, Tasha."
"I just now started missing you, did you know? Before that I was watching Fifty Shades of Grey, so I didn't get the chance. Do you know which of Christian's lines I love? When he says, I don't make lo-"
"Tasha, please, I don't want to hear this. You know how I hate that movie. It's disgusting."
"Speak for yourself, girl. I love it."
"Well, you're disgusting too, so I am not surprised. Now, just keep quiet, okay? There's something I need to tell you."
"Really? What? Did you grow another zit? I told you to put lemon on-"
"No, I didn't grow a zit. Why would I call you if I had?"
"You called the last time."
Okay, I had. "It's not about a zit," I said, irritated. "I just wanted to tell you that I will be moving in with Mr. Rodwell for some time."
Silence. Then, "WHAT?"
I pulled the phone away from my ear to avoid permanently going deaf. "Tasha..."
After that it took me exactly thirty minutes to calm her down and tell her what exactly it was that had led to this history-altering decision of mine. Tasha didn't want to hear any of it. She was sure that I had lost my mind and I wasn't the same Zara anymore and what exactly was I thinking?!
Eventually I did succeed in getting her to see the situation my way. But that didn't mean she had to be happy about it.
"You don't know anything about him!" she whined.
"I know enough, Tasha."
"What if he's a paedophile?" she wanted to know.
I sighed. "I will give Ella and Hannah pepper sprays. And I won't leave them alone with him anyways. I am not an idiot. And there's Granny too. They will be safe."
"What if he's an old-phile?"
I rolled my eyes. "I will give Granny pepper spray too."
"She would use it on you," she immediately pointed out.
"Tasha, don't be unreasonable."
"What if he's a-"
"That's enough, Tasha. You know why I am doing this. Don't be such a pessimist!"
She groaned loudly. "That's why I am so scared. It has always been your job to be the pessimist, not mine. I just can't believe you're doing something so foolish!"
"Tasha, you know I have to do this." I rubbed my brow, feeling a headache coming. "He's right. I can't live like this forever. I have to do something about it now. I can't wait for them."
Tasha was still in hysterics. "You're safe, Zara! There's no one behind you! I keep telling you that."
"But the fear that there is someone there always remains, doesn't it? Even after fifty years I will still be scared." My voice was barely a whisper. "I can't keep doing that."
"Zara..."
"It's okay if you don't understand. I know you're only worried for me."
"I do understand. And that's what frightens me the most. We are not supposed to agree on anything."
A laugh rumbled in my throat. "Yeah..." We were not supposed to agree. That's what made us fit together so well, to be able to show each other the other side.
I sighed. Wonder what will happen now...