LEXA POV:
"i'm not Costia Lexa".
You stop gritting your teeth and your eyes cease the endless search of hers, looking for answers that she can't possibly know yet she always seems to have anyway. I KNOW THAT. That's what you want to scream. You know she's not Costia, she's so much stronger and you know your being a fool for comparing the two. But you've failed one of them and there was no way you were going to let that happen again. If that meant sending her home and having her hate you again then so be it, at least she would be alive. You take a deep breath, closing you eyes in an attempt to try and think more clearly. 1, 2, 3. 3, 2, 1 You count in your head, something Clarke had taught you before Mount weather. You can't send her back there, she would run herself into the ground, you saw how she was even before Mount Weather. They put far too much pressure and responsibility on the shoulders of a girl who had never been trained to handle it, but somehow she had come out of it stronger. She didn't need your guidance but you saw how it helped her. Sending he back there would be a death sentence for her mind. But how could you keep her safe here? How could you guarantee her safety without putting a target on her back at the same time? The warmth of her hand over yours brings you back to reality and helps to begin putting your mind at ease better than any counting exercise ever could.
"They would need to trust you" You say quietly, looking down at your hands to avoid her gaze.
"Who would need to trust me?" She ask quickly, the confusion clear in her voice.
"For you to become my advisor, the clan ambassadors would first need to trust you" You clarify. Feeling that you are finally back to being level headed you raise your head, not yet reconnecting eye contact with Clarke. "Not that it is their choice but if they don't trust you then the protection being my advisor offers would mean nothing".
"So how do we make them trust me?" The girl asks after a moment.
"It will not be hard, once they see that you are a confident and loyal warrior they will not question my decision, it is Titus i worry about. To gain the ambassadors respect you will need to attend a ceremony with all the ambassadors, Titus, the night bloods and me, then you will need to bow to me as a sign of respect to the spirit of the commander and the coalition, it will also to them mean that we will share the power of Wanheda" you explain the process leaving out one detail until after she's processed everything. You watch her carefully, trying to gauge what she's thinking and how she's reacting to what she has to do. You can't hide the worry from your face while she sits thinking in silence. You tighten your grasp on her hand "Clarke you know i would understand if you decide not to go through with it". Slowly her head raises and she looks at you with confusion showing clearly on her face.
"Stop thinking like that, I'm doing this. If this is what i have to do for us to be tog-" The girl stops herself mid sentence as though she hadn't meant to say that. You can't stop your eyes widening as your breath catches in your throat.
Is that really why she wants to do all this?
A minute passes, a minute of silence when neither of you know what to say or how to react before she speaks again.
" Ahem so uh is that all that i would need to do?" she asks, her voice weak and unsteady. Her previous words leaving both of you at a loss for what to say next. It takes you a few moments longer than usual to process her words and respond.
"There is.. one more thing" you say sheepishly, not at all sure she will like this next part.
"What is it?" She asks, skepticism and curiosity lacing her words.
"You would need to get this" You say pulling your sleeve up and pointing out the tattoo on your forearm. You notice she is still confused so you explain it "It represents the three pillars of being the commander. Wisdom. Compassion and strength. It means that we don't live for ourselves alone, but the people who rely on us. For you that would mean me, and our people". You freeze. Did you actually just say our people? Judging from the slightly widen eyes of Clarke your guessing you did.
"Matching tattoos?" She asks, ridicule in her voice. "At least take me out for dinner first" she laughs.
"Clarke we haven't eaten breakfast yet" You say blatantly, her reference going straight over your head. To this she bursts out laughing until the point where she is bent over, her head in the covers that her laughs are being muffled by. "What is so funny" you ask, having no clue what she has suddenly found so funny.
"It's a-" The girl tries, lifting her face from the sheets for a mere moment before another wave of hysterical laughing washes over her and she dives back down into them, in an attempt to quiet the noise.
"A what Clarke?" You ask, a smile spreading across your face. Oh no you think, of course her laughter is contagious.
"It's a jo-aha" She attempts again before the laughter interrupts her halfway through her sentence. This time as she goes to bury her face back in the covers she hits her head on your leg which does nothing but make the both of you laugh even more. "It's not even" she starts, tears of laughter now literally streaming down her face "That funny". You take her shoulders in your hands and pull her away from the covers, not able to keep a straight face.
"What is so funny?" You ask, between stifled laughs.
"It was a joke" She bursts out, her hysterical laughing now downgraded to giggles. "It's something people use to say back before the wars started, like you want to kiss me? first take me on a date" She explains and finally you understand.
"You were laughing at me??" you ask, fake disbelief lacing your words. Only just now being able to stop the waves of laughs.
"To be fair I'm pretty sure you've been laughing at me too. But come on i am literally starving. Is that all i need to do?" She asks and you have to watch her skeptically for a moment before you take her serious. She is actually willing to get a tattoo so she can stay?
"In theory yes, but if we can't get Titus to trust you then it wont work" You say, an air of seriousness taking control of the room.
"Isn't there something we can do to go around him?"
"Well there is one other way" you say laughing "It's easier but requires a bit more, uh, commitment".
"Well what is it??" Clarke asks seriously, as if she can't believe you haven't brought up the easier way.
"It's silly" You say brushing the idea off, if she heard it she would probably take it as a joke.
"Come on tell me" She pleads "I love taking the easy way out, wait, it doesn't involve killing someone does it?".
" You really wanna know?" You ask, quite content with the fact that she doesn't.
"Would we be having this conversation if i didn't?" She asks in a know-it-all tone.
"Fine. The other way would be to marry the commander, so, me " You say sheepishly.
"Oh" She says simply. "Without a first date i do not think so" She jokes, and you both laugh to avoid the awkwardness that would have otherwise come to fruition.
"So now that you know what your options are" You say with a smirk, raising your eyebrow "Would you like to meet everyone downstairs for breakfast? That is, if you are intact starving".
"Ugh Yes" Clarke groans, rolling away from you to jump off the bed, looking ready to run out of the room in search of food.
"Clarke" You call, just before she reaches the door.
"Yes" She wines, as if asking why are you doing this to me?
"Titus cant know about what they did to me at the Skaikru camp. No one can know. They will have their heads, and yours" You warn, hoping she understands. Her eyes turn to a much sadder pair than the ones which you were with just moments before but she nods in understanding, making her way back over to you at the bed.
" Lexa, You know it doesn't make you weak that you couldn't fight all of them" She says, Laying a hand on each of your shoulders.
"I didn't try to fight them off Clarke" You say softly, making sure anyone lurking around the halls wouldn't be able to hear you. "Once they told me that you were missing i didn't fight back. I took everything they did to me and i told myself that i deserved it, because it was my fault that you were missing".
Lowering herself onto her knees so that she is looking up into your eyes she says "You were in that camp for three weeks, how did you survive without fighting back?".
"I wouldn't let myself give up until they found you".