Once upon a time, there lived three wicked witches deep in a dank, dark forest. They were very unhappy witches, and very much to be pitied, for they hadn't gotten a single child to eat in a long, long time.
"It's a disgrace!" one of the witches moaned, scratching enthusiastically at the big wart on her nose. "We haven't munched a single brat in ages! The last one that any of us saw was two hundred years ago!"
"Ah, the good old days," witch number two sighed, a dreamy expression in her red, glowing eyes. "Hunger and despair everywhere, no contraception, and thousands of children wandering around everywhere, just waiting to be snatched! People would send their children out into the woods because they couldn't feed them, or just because they couldn't stand the annoying little brats anymore! Nowadays, parents actually like their children. Bah! And they even get upset if they're grabbed, cooked, and eaten! It's despicable!"
The last witch heard the sentiments of her two companions and was filled with woe. She pondered their plight, thinking that it had to be possible to save themselves from starvation. This witch was the youngest of the three, and the cleverest. She was also the most progressive, with boils instead of warts on her nose and a pointy hat that was mauve instead of the traditional black. Stepping out of the house, she gazed up at the witches' abode.
"Come, and harken unto my words, sisters!" she cried suddenly. "For I have found our salvation!"
"What did she say?" Witch Number Two wanted to know.
"I said get your butts out here! I know how to get children into our oven!"
Upon hearing this, the other two witches rushed outside, for their stomachs were growling most gruesomely.
"What is it?"
"Where are the children? Where?"
"Here." Stretching up her arm, the youngest witch pointed at their house. "Just look at this."
The two witches looked up at the house.
"Yes?"
"I don't see any children!"
"No, no, there are no children," the youngest one said impatiently. "Not yet, anyway. Look at the house, you two, and tell me what's wrong with it!"
The two older witches looked again.
"Wrong?" asked Number One. "What's supposed to be wrong with it? A gingerbread roof with a licorice chimney and saccharin windows."
"A perfectly normal house," Number Two agreed. "Though I still say we should have gone with real sugar instead of saccharin for the windows. To heck with your diabetes!"
Witch Number One was just about to make a heated reply to that when the youngest witch shook her head. "No, no! You two don't understand! The house is supposed to attract children, right? But who in this day and age still eats gingerbread, except perhaps at Christmas?"
The two other witches gave this due consideration.
"You want us to renovate?" one finally asked.
"Maybe put in real sugar windows?" the other added, hopefully.
"No! Even if we renovate, there won't be any children to attract. Children don't come into the woods anymore, nowadays. They spend the day in front of the TV or their video games or similar horrors of the modern age that cause hunger and despair for witches around the globe!"
"So what shall we do?" the other two asked eagerly.
The youngest witch raised her chin, proudly. "That's easy: move to town!"
*********
Thus it came to pass that three wicked, hungry witches rose on their broomsticks above the dank, dark forest and journeyed through the air towards the nearest big city, where they thought they might find the most children to gobble up.
"What shall we do, now that we are in the city?" asked the oldest one.
"We must find a house to live in that is not made out of gingerbread and hide our broomsticks, so people don't recognize us as witches," the youngest suggested.
Having agreed on this wise plan, they went in search of a house. They were easily able to find and purchase a very luxurious one, for they were very rich witches, having years ago sold their souls to the devil and having been smart enough to ask a lot more than $3.99.
Life in the big city proved to be all they had dreamed of: during their very first night out, they came across a couple of scrumptious homeless children, and, for dessert, they treated themselves to a teenage drug addict. The first witch had the legs, the second the arms and intestines, and the youngest and smartest one cooked herself a nice pot full of brain soup.
"Aaah!" sighed the oldest witch. "I haven't eaten this good in centuries! His toes! Simply delicious!"
"And that prefrontal cortex!" The youngest witch smacked her lips. "Deliciously underdeveloped."
"I believe we shall be very happy here," summed up the second witch, and the other two nodded their agreement.
Every night from then on, the three witches ventured into the city to snatch children. The teenage drug addicts were their favorite food. Because of all of the interesting stuff they drank and snuffed, they had an especially fruity flavor.
Some of the children the witches gobbled up were reported missing, but, for some reason, nobody considered the possibility that they had been eaten by wicked witches. The bounty in the city was so plentiful that, soon, the three witches started inviting old friends from Salem, Oz, and Transylvania over for dinner. It wasn't long before the youngest and most enterprising of the witches hit on another brilliant idea.
"You know," she said, twisting off a child's head and taking a healthy bite, "it's really a shame that we only do this for ourselves and our friends."
"What do you mean?" the second witch said.
"Well," the youngest said, "I'm sure other witches around the world are suffering, hiding away in their dank, dark forest huts, just like we were. We should do something to help them."
"True," said the old witch, pulling an ear off their latest delicacy and taking an experimental bite. "We are on this world to help people and do good, after all."
"Exactly! And well, you know, I had this idea. I mean, we could..." Leaning closer to the other two witches, the youngest began to whisper, and the eyes of the other two widened.
"Are you sure this is going to work?" the oldest witch asked.
The youngest shrugged. "We can only try and see."
*********
Two work-filled weeks later, the three witches stood in front of their new business. It was a large, low building in modern style, painted in brilliantly witchy colors of green, purple, and orange. Over the entrance, next to a grinning skull with glowing eye sockets, gleamed the logo CrunchyBrats®.
"What do you think?" the youngest witch asked.
"Magnificent!" exclaimed Number One.
"Wonderful!" agreed Number Two.
Five minutes later, the counter towards the street was wide open, and the youngest witch was beaming, a pan in one hand and a megaphone in the other.
"CrunchyBrats®! The latest and best place for fast food ever! Get your meals healthy, cheap, and plentiful! First meal for free! Taste our delicious Crunchy Fingers, the marvelous tongue in wine sauce, and the incomparable foundling fillet!"
A mother with two small children stopped at the counter and studied the price list next to the counter.
"That sounds interesting," she remarked. "Do you have a children's menu?"
The youngest witch beamed. "Most certainly, ma'am!"
It wasn't long before witches from all around Fairyland heard of the incredible new culinary possibilities offered in the big city. No longer would they have to sit in their dank, dark forests, hoping for their gingerbread houses to draw the occasional child to them! No longer would they have to suffer needlessly! Finally, civilization and modernization had entered the magical world! Soon, dozens of witches were flocking to the city to dine at CrunchyBrats®. The three witches' business started to boom. After only a few months, they had to open branches in two neighboring cities to keep up with the rapidly rising demand.
They started hiring staff, expanded into other areas, such as takeaway noses and kindergarten party service. Most kindergarten teachers were very obliging about providing their students chopped up and deep-fried in time for the party. After a year, CrunchyBrats® went public, and the shares soared. Another year, and the three witches were heading the largest fast-food chain in the enchanted kingdom.
"Now we can retire and buy a nice house in the country with real sugar windows," sighed witch number two.
"Saccharin windows," corrected the oldest witch.
And, if they haven't killed off all the children in the world, they lived happily ever after.
And the moral of the story is: always serve children with plenty of ketchup.
Or, alternatively: use chili sauce.
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My dear Lords, Ladies and Wicked Witches,
Taking in account all the child-devouring witches in the above story, I think it's quite evident that "CrunchyBrats" was mostly inspired by the well-known German fairy tale Hänsel & Gretel, written during the nineteenth century by the Brothers Grimm. :-) I have to admit, however, that I always felt a little bit sad about the sinister end that the poor old hag meets at the end of the Grimms' original tale, and thus I concluded it was about time for a retelling the story from the POV of the poor, misunderstood old witches. Please tell me what you think about my version of the tale. My literary journey into Fairyland is a new kind of adventure for me, and I'd love to hear what you think!
Oh, and if you haven't heard yet, "WARNING! Fairy Tales" is now available to buy in two neat little volumes with THREE EXTRA STORIES each, both in printed and ebook format. The ebooks are only $2.99. So, as quite a few smart mathematicians among you have already noticed, you just need to sell your soul, and you can afford to buy it. That shouldn't be a problem, should it? ;-)
In the additional stories, you will have the opportunity to join golden gooses in their eggy adventures, fight racism in fairyland, discover what Big Brother has to do with the Brothers Grimm, and lots, lots more! :-)
Yours Truly
Sir Rob, Advertising Director of CrunchyBrats®