▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
" Please don't be in love with someone else. "
Enchanted, Taylor Swift
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
MAYBE I WAS addicted because the shelter I began to work at felt far warmer than my home. I was a little lost without Rekha and Grace. On most days, I wouldn't be but with Mum and Dad on hostile terms, Allison spending more time with Archer than me, I was often left alone at home left to entertain myself.
And my thoughts weren't pleasant, they were of Kaden, what he would be doing and the Christmas dinner I wasn't going for.
I also began packing, it would be another six months before I left with my dad. We'd been talking about it and since dad travelled often, he thought about hiring a private tutor for me till he can settle in either Canada or Australia at one of the many places he's been to, where I can go for college.
And it was what I was looking for. More time with him, travelling and going far away from here. I wanted to leave so badly now and the only thing that was stopping my dad from taking me was because of school. He wanted me to finish my year before I left with him. It would be a long time before we finally settled as well, so going with him would do nothing but stress him.
The shelter felt like a makeshift home, something that I'd rather stay in than my own home surrounded by animals and people as warm as them. I'd made friends with Alice, a girl two years older than me who was in the same pen as Joey and I, I ran into Belle from the cheerleading team in the pure-breeds pen. While Joey and I seldom spoke in the place, his car drives home, dropping Belle and I off were something I looked forward to.
Even though Belle stayed closer to his home than I did, I noticed he always dropped her home first so we could spend time talking. Everytime Belle left, she gave me a none too subtle wink. It wa one of those days, three days till Christmas that Joey's driving me home when I asked, "How long have you been working with them?"
Joey smiled a little, blissfully unaware that I knew who ran the shelter, I'd googled it the first night itself. "I've been working there for as long as I could recall. I've always loved dogs."
"But you don't keep one," I pointed out.
"I used to, but Shadow passed away."
"Doberman?" I guessed.
"He was a mongrel, we adopted him from the shelter. The shelter wanted to put him down, but when I met him, I loved him so much. Mum and dad wanted to get me a purebreed, something manlier but Shadow was the best dog I've ever known and I couldn't stand to see him put down."
"The shelter doesn't put down any pets anymore."
"Yeah, they don't." Joey said.
I'd read this all on the website, a few personal information was thrown in, like his parents so the rest was easy to piece, after Shadow's death, Joey not his parents was upset with grief and somehow, had persuaded his parents to buy him the shelter, where they managed but he spent most of his time.
I'd also seen why people flocked to the shelter, it was cleaner than most, no doubt thanks to the Knights wealth and love for their son. Which also attracted hoards of people. I knew Joey had a habit for taking dogs that were to be put down from other shelters.
He didn't tell me all of this and for that, I liked him more.
"You seem attached to Piper," Joey said after a brief comfortable silence.
"She's a lady, so prim and proper," I smiled thinking of the white middle sized dog, I'd grown fond of in the three days of working with the shelter.
"She suits you," Joey said. He looked hesitant, "Why did you come with Archy to the shelter?"
I smiled at his fondness for nicknames, "I was honestly a little bored at home."
"Is that why you keep coming over?"
I wondered if he was addressing the elephant in the room, our failed relationship back then, it was because of a bet but nothing blocked our way now. Unless you count Kaden. He knew I liked Kaden. Alot.
"Yes," I said, because I'd hurt Joey once and Martha's words hung over me like a cloak. It's always a selfish bitch that breaks the poor boys heart.
Because that's what I would be in letting him think that I was interested, that I wanted something more than this comfortable friendship we'd fallen into. Because I didn't want that, I wanted Kaden. Maybe I could love Joey, one day. There were so many things about Joey that was so endearing that I couldn't help but like him for it. Maybe.
But to engage in something after I'd been hurt so badly that till now I sometimes found it hard to breathe was unfair. To give him hope that I would date him and leave him was selfish.
"So noble," He teased.
"Thank you, I try."
"You don't have to try," He said so softly, I wondered if it was meant for me at all, "What are you doing for Christmas?"
I normally had dinner with the Nowells, but this year, with the divorce and everything, I doubted it. "Nothing really, maybe I'll drop by the shelter."
"You can't spend every day of Christmas break there," Joey commented, "Do you want to come with me to my parents Christmas dinner? They always bring over a lot of people from their office and it'll be nice having a friend over."
"There's always Cassy." and Kaden.
He chuckled at that, "Yeah, he's coming and I want you to come too."
"Cassy not enough for you?"
"You're not going to make me beg, are you?" He said casting a quick glance at me.
I pursed my lips in though, "depends, how are you going to beg?"
"I don't want to force you to come."
"Persuade me then."
"Allison's coming too, as Archers date."
I pretended to think, "What else?"
"There's booze."
"Tempting."
"I'll be there."
I glanced at Joey, a smirk at my lips. "You lost me." But any girl would have caved at that.
"You're hard to persuade, but I can promise you, you'll have fun."
Will Kaden be there? I wanted to ask, but I didn't, "You've got me."
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
DOES PAIN EVER truly fade away? It was two in the morning and my eyes are so dry as painful sobs rake out of my body in a tune only the sick would dance to. Each shudder feels heavier than the last and I wonder if I would ever be truly okay. Because I didn't feel okay. I felt my body push out each sob like it would make things okay. My bones felt weak like they were about to break and my heart was so dry it felt like it cracked.
He hated me.
It felt like a knife to my heart and try as hard as I might, I couldn't hate him. I didn't blame him for hating me for being unable to glance at me, talk to me, much less look at me. I didn't want to be here to see what I saw. To know I no longer mattered in his life.
But all I saw was him, kissing that girl in his room. A girl I didn't recognise possibly from another school. Was she his girlfriend? Had she replaced me or if he just loved her. Was what it felt like to no longer matter in his life?
I wanted to undo everything, to do it right this time because this mistake cost too much. This mistake cost me my heart.
Since my birthday party, I've felt like a shadow of myself, a poor substitute, his song haunted me in my dreams, my nightmares a constant reminder of what I lost.
"You're a fucking Princess,
With hella red hair,
Happy Birthday to Amber,
The Devil from hell."
Would death hurt as much as this?
How was it that the person you brought you so much joy, who painted the sky in a sea of colours you never knew existed could be the one who drained your world of colour, sucking it till it's a sea of greys.
I needed him back, I needed to feel the warmth of his body next to mine, to hold me in his arms and to whisper sweet nothings in my ears.
If not like that, I needed him as a friend. To tell me how his day went, to tease me about stupid things and to comfort me when I needed him.
He wasn't a terrible person at all.
I was.
And I was selfish enough to want him stuck with me when he clearly deserved someone better.
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
"DO YOU WANT to go to france?" Joey asked me.
"I've been there," I said, scrubbing Pipers white fur.
"Did you like it?"
"You're joking right? It's the city of love." I'd never actually washed a dog before, today was my first time doing it. It was the first time Joey and I spoke to each other, in a proper conversation in the shelter, more often than not, he seemed to be more focused on what's going on. Today was far more hectic with many of the volunteers off celebrating or last minute shopping. Which was why, I guess I wasn't just assigned to the pen. "Are you going there soon?" I asked distracted by Piper's furr and worrying that I wasn't scrubbing her right.
"Yeap, from 3rd January to the 6th."
"Paris?"
"Bordeaux."
"Sounds nice, what for?"
"Some dinner, mum's friend." He came over helping me rinse off Piper, our fingers brushed but he didn't freeze or do anything like that, he seemed totally at ease, "I was wondering if you wanted to come."
"You could ask Cassian."
"Cassy's got something on," Joey said, "Please Am, you're my only girl space friend."
"Daisy?"
"You were my first choice," Joey admitted, "Please Am, I swear it'll be fun."
"I don't think my parents would be okay with it."
"I could persuade them," Joey said. "You could invite them over for the Christmas party."
The last thing I wanted was my mother there. So I bit my lip wondering if going was the right idea, instead I said. "I'll think about it."
He nodded then stood up, shirt and pants wet, "C'mon let's get Piper and Rose dried off."