It's Trash_Tanuki. Ha-Ha-Hoooooly shit. College. College man. I literally...I've experienced an entire high school career worth of stress in one semester. FUN. SO MUCH FUN. I had a Psychology final that kicked my ass. Stress is my motivator, which will most likely leave me dead by the ripe age of 31. LET'S GET INTO THIS SUE BEFORE I HAVE AN ANEURYSM.
This story is called Angels Second Chance (No apostrophe. We're off to a good start apparently.) by girlstar142. Angel is an orphan that gets killed in our world and then magically makes five wishes including reincarnating in Naruto. This was a suggestion and I forget who suggested it. My brain is deteriorating. Please comment on this portion so I can add your username in.
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So the author starts off with a bit of a disclaimer.
HELLO NARUTO LOVERS! THIS IS MY FIRST NARUTO FANFIC SO I HOPE YOU LIKE IT AND PLZ DON'T HATE. I DONT REMEMBER EVERYTHING OF NARUTO AND I DEFINITELY DONT OWN IT. I WILL ADD MY OWN TWISTS AND TURN TO THE PLOT SO EVERYTHING WONT BE THE SAME. ENJOY!!!!
Alright. Nice to see someone who's so enthusiastic about writing. I'll try to keep this more towards the side of constructive criticism. It's good that someone isn't just inserting their character into the Naruto plot. I actually have a bit of hope for this story. Let's look at the first few sentences-
Angel was a kind and sweet girl who was smart and beautiful. She was known for her genius-ness and amazing martial arts ability.
She had great talent but a terrible life with less opportunities. As an orphan she grew up in an orphanage with people who were jealous of her abilities and treated her horribly. She was starved,beaten up, and kicked out. The orphanage didn't let her go to school so she spent almost her entire life in the library reading which built her great amount of knowledge and great memorization. She also read about fighting skills and martial arts and learned them via book and self teaching.
Whoa whoa whoa let's take it down a notch here. Her attributes are a bit overbearing and the abused orphan child angle is stale. Orphanages are not horrible places, yet somehow most people cast them in that light. Why would they not let her go to school, yet she can read as many books as she likes? I mean she'd just be sitting around since she couldn't go to class. Wouldn't the orphanage put her to work? Doesn't make too much sense.
It's extremely hard to teach yourself martial arts just by book. I took martial arts. Kung Fu to be exact. I know weird one to pick, but I got to use a sword. Made my life. Anyways, you really need an instructor to watch how you're executing the movements so they can adjust your stance and/or posture. She had no sparring partner on top of that and therefore no way to test her skills. She would be a terrible martial artist unless she was self teaching for a decade. It's like trying to be a soccer player simply by reading a book. Instructors are necessary for some things.
Commas love you. They really do. Please don't forget about them. The biggest error in grammar here is run on sentences. Not a bad fault at all. Just add those commas in there in place of a few "and"'s.
Even though her life was like she died in the most normality way possible.
Yeah... I'm afraid to ask how.
Death but hit and run. She was crossing the street and got hit by a drunk driver and that's it The End. Or so she thought.
There's a lot of auto-correct errors. The first sentence barely makes any sense. This is just the prologue guys. Oh excuse me, prelouge as the author spelled it. This author is sixteen years old. I am struggling to contain the judgement that is seething inside me. I shall not resort to foul gifs and auditory japes, for I am a fair knight that knows an innocent maiden when I see one.
I WOKE UP IN THE MATRIX!!!! I seriously did. No joke. And then....
THE END!!!
And then a voice came that seemed to be coming from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. U know what I mean. No. Then get smarter and come back ^_^
Don't tell your readers to get smarter and come back no judgement shall not be withheld. YOU HAVE LOST THE FAVOR OF THIS KNIGHT SILVER TONGUED MAIDEN. TASTE THE SWEET, COLD STEEL OF MY GREATSWORD UNCOUTH WENCH.
I've been reading too much Game of Thrones is what has happened here.
"Dear Angel, u r truly an Angel. Such a pity you died when you should've had a long and better life ahead of u."
"Ha I know right what were the peeps up there thinkin"
-.-"
"Well ummm it was an accident that's y u get to be reborn in a world of your choice."
"Ooohhhh,yay!"
"And u get five wishes."
"YESH BISH, IMMA BECOME A SUPER SAYIAN!!"
This has to be a joke. This cannot be meant to be taken seriously. This... this is going to be a bad.
Do not write a story using text slang. You are sixteen years old. Sixteen. You are not a ten year old that can pull that off. Stop. Your intellectual appearance plummets to Bikini Bottom when you use things like "y" and "u". You would make Patrick look smart. It can also be said that using Spongebob references in a review makes you look dumb but hey I'm already there.
So she ended up in the Matrix... not sure what that's supposed to mean since the Matrix is a simulated reality of our world. So she'd still be back on earth. I mean why would she end up in the Matrix when she died? Why are you tying the Matrix into a Naruto fanfiction? I doubt there's a way that can be executed well, but if someone out there can do it then I'd read the shit outta that. Moving on.
"Okay what world do u wish to be reborn in"
"Naruto"
"But aren't super saiyans from Dbz"
"Yes but that ain't your problem just grant my wish mysterious matrix overlord"
"Okay"
This Matrix overlord is literally going out of his god damn way to bring you back to life and you're giving him sass? Also, why isn't she surprised by any this? I'd be terrified. These reactions are not normal at all. It would be like if Jesus suddenly popped up in her kitchen and she'd be like "Oh cool how are you J-man? Turn this water into wine now. I finna get lit." NO.
"Now what are ur five wishes"
Punctuation has ceased to exist apparently.
"I wish to be able to control all elements(air, earth, water, fire, light and dark/shadow), I wish to be able to talk to animals and tailed beasts,I wish to be able to memorize every book I read by heart, I wish to be able to summon any object from the earth of my previous life,and have unlimited power!!!"
"Granted, u will now be reborn Angel"
NO DON'T REVIVE THIS PSYCHOTIC, OVER POWERED MESS OF A CHARACTER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. What is with Sues getting to control every element there is? PICK. ONE. JESUS.
I'm skipping the rest and getting on to the next chapter.
Four years later
I was in the orphanage a few weeks outside of Konoha. I was new there and came after my parents died. My parents weren't all that powerful but I was and my village had hated me and were scared of my powers. One night they attacked my parents and killed them and I escaped after killing the ppl who murdered my parents. I had already mastered all of my powers and knew how to perfectly throw all ninja weapons. I also had a sword but I kept it in storage along with my other cool weapons. I had learned the basic ninja jutsus and and the Kate bush in and rasegan,chidori,and a lot more and was stronger than all the mages combined.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
And yet I was only four.
This is just the first paragraph... Why. Why would you give your OC so many unnecessary powers. She's literally more powerful than the Hokage right now and she's four. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the new goddess of Naruto, because fuck everyone else apparently. Who cares about them when we can learn about this perfect little Sue that can do no wrong.
The spelling errors are numerous. I'm assuming you have access to the internet since you're using Wattpad, so why didn't you look up the correct spelling of things like Rasengan? Sure these aren't terrible mistakes, but it just shows me that you took absolutely no time to look over your story once you finished.
So Angel basically hatches a scheme to train Naruto without anyone knowing, which would never work. This is the Nine Tailed Fox. I don't care now great her powers may be, the Hokage is still keeping a close eye on him. She befriends him of course and calls him "Naru". He learns everything about his powers at the ripe age of six. Remember all those episodes you watched of Naruto training and growing as a person? Nope. All gone. In the next chapter she goes to see the Hokage, wondering when little Naru will return.
"Nice to meet you hokage-sama, my name is Angellina Rosette and I have come to ask you permission to stay in Konoha and become a ninja."
"Of course we would love to have such a polite and beautiful like you in our village Angellina,but if you don't mind we would like to ask you some questions first."
"Oh no of course I don't mind hokage-same."
Enter Ibiki who was about to ask her a few questions when a chunin bursts in and yells about a prank on the hokage monument.
"Very well Angellina, here is the key to your apartment and some money you will be put on a team in 2 days with the graduating genius as I know that you are very well capable enough."
TIMESKIP TO BEING ASSIGNED TEAMS~
"NARUTO move that's my seat!"
I was thrown out of my seat next to the stupid duckbutt by the damn pink haired wild monkey. Ugh if only I didn't have to keep this idiot act up I would beat the living day lights out of her.
Really. Naruto would beat the shit out of someone who's part of his villages genin and defenseless against him. Are you trying to make Naruto seem like a complete dick? I mean yeah, haha, most people hate Sakura. Naruto would never do that though. Please take your fangirl frustrations somewhere else.
So, no surprise, Angel gets assigned to Team 7. Hooray... so original. Follows the exact same plot of Naruto nearly to a T. Might as well wrap this up now-
I'm so happy I got to see Naru again. I missed my blond headed lover.
Not again.
"Naruto didn't reply as we got up to leave I realized I didn't have anywhere to live. I whispered that to Naruto.
Didn't the Hokage just give you a key to an apartment?!? YOU HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE CHILD. QUIT TRYING TO GET INTO HIS PANTS. YOU STILL A BABY.
"Naruto I don't have a place to live."
"Well you can live with me my Angle,that way I can see your beautiful face almost everyday."
I blushed and smiled at him. "okay then, let's go."
He smiled and lead me to his apartment both of us changing and drifting off to sleep in each others arms awaiting the bell test that is coming tomorrow.
This is what I imagine she looks like:
Postmortem Diagnosis: There's a lot... Let me start with grammar and spelling. I understand auto-correct can strike sometimes. That's fine. A small flub every few chapters isn't worth pointing out, but this is almost every sentence. There's also multiple grammatical errors, such as punctuation. Look. Over. Your. Story. Before. You. Post. You're not doing anyone a favor by simply slamming something out on a keyboard without refinement. I sincerely hope you don't do that on important documents. This will be harsh, but it makes you look illiterate when you have so many mistakes in your story. The text language... that makes you look immature. It's not consistent either, which is why so many people loathe the use of it in stories.
There are a multitude of plot holes in this story. Why does she go to "The Matrix" when she dies? Why does she even remember who she is or the powers she has? She was reborn and her five wishes did not include remembering her past life. She should not realize the power she has, which is extremely over done. Why did her parents in Naruto name her Angellina again? That name just does not sound like it belongs. Naruto. Sasuke. Kakashi. Kiba. Ino. Angellina... The names in Naruto are mostly based on Japanese. I doubt her parents would have named her that. Why are two tweens cuddling together in bed in the same damn apartment? Naruto is probably the most oblivious character when it comes to love. How has he already realized that he loves Angel? She has a place to live... The Hokage gave her a key... So many questions.
Angel is a textbook Mary Sue. Her abilities are ridiculous, everyone seems to love her, she completes ever task without a single fault, and she gets privileges that she does not deserve. Every character in this story is OOC so that they can shower praise/adoration on this Sue.
The pace of this story is extremely fast. One second she met Naruto and the next they're living together in an apartment. Slow it down. Take some time to give us details. There's zero description of what Angel looks like. I have no idea what you want me to imagine her as. Fill in those blanks for us.
This is more of an outline than a story. That's how it read for me. I was extremely confused or put off the entire time. Errors make it hard for a reader to get into the story. It disrupts the flow for me since I see the spelling error and mentally correct it. Angel... she needs work. She's way too powerful to the point where it makes me irritated. There is no growing to be done with this character. Literally none. I know nearly every task she's faced with will be completed perfectly and that everyone will love her for it. Too predictable.
I understand that the author is no longer interested in this story and actually said people can adopt it... Maybe I will do some adopting... Or some of our killers to be! Let's see if anyone can reign in this Sue. Make it epic, funny, or you can make it worse. Do the whole thing or just a few sentences. I'm interested to see what people come up with.
I've got a looong list of Sues to kill. Wish me luck.
Art: kyubee (entry made on zerochan.net)
-Trash_Tanuki