With the elevator door shut and Lauren on the other side. I break down again. I've never seen her cry before or even get close to it. She's always so guarded and hard. But there she was as a single tear rolled down her cheek, I'm not even sure if she had the heart to bring a hand up to wipe it away.
I quickly contain myself because elevator rides or short and I know Tony is waiting for me at the bottom. He greets me very timidly looking at my face in its entirety. Who knows what he's heard or what he knows. We make it to the car and he holds the door open for me. I climb inside, avoiding eye contact.
Embarrassment and shame washes over me. I'm a complete failure. I had hoped to drag my Fifty Shades into the light, but it proved to be a task beyond my abilities. She's too fucked up.
And now her fucked upness has me in a world of pain that I could have easily avoided if I wasn't stupid enough to fall in love with her.
The worst part was the ride home. The only thing I could do was stare blankly out of the window. How does one sit in a car silent, with no one to confide in after the horrible shocking of being brought into reality. The reality is that woman doesn't love me. She never will.
I always knew that heartbreak was a thing and I always knew that it would happen to me at least once in my life. It was a given. But this way? It wasn't supposed to happen like this and that's why it hurts so bad.
She was my first... everything. The first person to make my legs weak. The first person to get to hold me at night. The first person i've ever felt anything more for. The first person that got to make love to me.. scratch that. The first person that got to fuck me. HARD. In her words.
Not only was she my first for all of those things, she was my only. And my stupid ass is in the car holding in tears because I can't help but think that I will never find someone that I love as much as her. Someone that I crave as much as her.
Lauren Jauregui is a heartless, soulless robot.
Even as I say those words for some strange fucking reason I still don't believe them. Even though she did this to me, hurt me in this way... I still don't believe it.
The good.. oh god there was so much good. Playful Lauren is what I like to call the good. When she did cute things to try and make me smile or giggle. Those moments when she would be so gentle and caring for me. How she would hold me at night because I asked. How she would kiss me and bring her hand up to gently rub over the side of my face. How she always had this thing of holding my hand where ever we were.. maybe it was to let the world know that I'm hers.
Thinking about it, a blink sends down multiple tears that I've been doing so well at holding in since leaving the elevator. I quickly wipe them away. They keep coming and coming and coming. I've left my Lauren.
I quickly reach in my purse to grab some sun glasses and slide them on my face. But as we pull up at a stop light Tony grabs the handkerchief out of his suit pocket and reaches back, handing it to me.
"Thank you" I mutter softly as I grab it and this small act of kindness makes me fall apart. I sit back against the leather seats as just let go weeping and sobbing.
The gruesome ride is finally over and Tony opens the car door holding his hand out for me to grab and I do. I make it to the front door of my place and he's right there behind me with a bag, so polite as he waits for me scrambling in the bag for my keys. I can't see because of the shades and the tears taking over my eyes at once. I lift my shades to my forehead but still I'm just a wreck searching for my keys.
"Here" he suggests with his hand out.
I hand it to him and he looks as if he's asking for permission to help. So I give him a nod. He quickly finds my keys and proceeds to open my front door. After he's finished her pushes hit open and steps back so that I can walk in. He hands me my keys and and the bag he insisted on carrying up for me.
"Thank you" is all I can manage to say.
"You're welcome" he responds. His blue eyes and dark hair and the sharp facial hair he has on his face all shines in on me at once. Wow this guy is handsome and so polite. Why couldn't I have fallen in love with him?
As I turn to begin to shut the door he holds his hand out stopping it, taking me my surprise "I'm sorry it's like this" he speaks with a disheartened look on his face "She's just.." he shakes his head "I'm sorry, I've grown very fond of you Miss Hamilton. I wish it didn't have to be this way"
With that he gives me a polite nod and proceeds to walk back to the car. Tears again.
The apartment is empty and unfamiliar. I haven't been here in so long and before I left I haven't even been living here long enough for it to feel like home. And my baby Dinah is still gone on vacation. I need her back with me even if all she can say is I told you so. I'll gradually accept the scolding just for her to hold me.
I walk into my room and the first thing I see is the balloon, Green Machine, that Lauren gave Dinah and I along with the champagne as a gift for just moving it. It's hanging there low and deflated which is exactly how I'm feeling right now.
I yank it off of where I hand it tied to me bed post and I grab it. Holding on tight. This is all I have left of her. These few months of this crazy up and down roller coaster and a balloon and a broken heart is all I have to show for it.
What have I done?
I fall onto my bed, shoes and all, and howl. The pain is indescribable... physical, mental... it is everywhere, seeping into my bones, surging through my entire body. Grief.
This is grief and I've brought it on myself. Deep down, a nasty, unbidden thought comes from my inner Mani, her lip curled in a snarl... the physical pain from the bite of a whip is nothing, nothing compared to this devastation. My heart is exploding out of my chest. I curl up, desperately clutching the flat balloon and Tonys handkerchief, and surrender myself to my grief.
I'm and in such emotion distraught I have to silently thank god that I have three days before I'm set to be in my dance company for the first day of training. I know that that woman won't be off of my mind by then but maybe she'll be out of it just enough so that when I have to be faced with other people I won't be all red eyed and puffy faced. Also I think Dinah will be back by then.
The rest of the day I spent curled up in my bed, I couldn't even bring myself to eat. Before I knew it two days have passed.
I haven't spoken to anyone. Not my mother. Not Dinah. Not Mark or Sean. Since it's been so difficult to eat the only thing I managed was an apple and I almost wanted to throw that back up.
Hours passed before I actually managed to escape the room and I sat across the couch mindlessly looking in front of me at the television but not paying one bit of attention.
The key starts to jingle in the door. Dinah's home.
"Mani.. mani mani... Mani" she sung cheerily as she walked through the door with her suitcase in her hand and shades on. And for the first time in days a smile washes over my face.
"Dinah!" I squealed hopping up from the couch.
"Babyyyy" She grinned widely and dropped her suitcase handle and ran over to me picking me up and spinning me in her arms "I missed you"
"I missed you too Dinah, so much" I say as she lets me go.
She quickly pouts sliding her shades up to rest on her head "Well not that much apparently. You haven't been answering my calls or messages" she quints her eyes looking at me "And why do you look sick? Are you okay?"
Oh no.
"I'm fine" I stutter out "and I haven't had a phone. I've just been locked in this house"
"W-what -what's going on?" She speaks looking at me with her face full of concern "You're supposed to have that after vacation glow, yet you look miserable"
Yes Dinah.. I am. And you, you have that after vacation glow. You look lovely.
"I'm..." my voice fails me and a hitch forms in my throat.
Lauren rushes in my mind at a full out surge. Everything, every memory. The good and the bad rushes into my head and my eyes start to water. I've been doing so good at forgetting her. I'm lying, but I've been tying to do good. I've been crying over her for days straight now.
"It's her isn't it?" She breathes.
I bite my lip and as I blink two tears roll down my cheeks. She hops up from the couch quickly and grabs her bag rumbling through it angrily.
"What are you doing Dinah?" I ask rather loudly tying to catch her attention but I gasp when she pulls out her phone.
"No no no" I panic hopping up from the couch and running over to her. I manage to grab the phone from her hand.
"I told that son of a bitch the next time she made you cry her ass was mine!" She grunts "And by the looks of it you've been in here crying for days"
"No please.. just please Dinah. I haven't been talking to her. Don't call"
"Have you been even eating?!" She scolds me.
I shake my head ashamed.
"What did she do to you?" She speaks in a softer tone.
And those words send me into a world of crying and tears. I feel my chest constricting as if someone has their hand around it squeezing with all their strength. And in that moment she does what I've been needing someone to do for days. She wraps her arms around me, holding me close, soothing me. We walk back to the couch and sit and I sob in her chest for who knows how long as she occasionally brushes her hand through my hair and over the bare skin of my arm.
"Mani" she whispers after more time, I'm sure since my loud sobs died down she thinks I'm ready to talk. But I don't respond.
"Mani..I need you to tell me what's going on. There's no way I can help if you don't talk to me" I hear her mumble into my hair from above me.
Why couldn't I have fallen in love with Dinah? My bestfriend. My baby.
I can talk to her. I need to talk to her. Fuck Lauren and that clause she made me sign.
I lift up from her chest and wipe a few tears "Dinah she hurt me"
She flares her nose and quickly gabs her phone.
"Dinah what are you doing?!"
"I'm calling the fucking police" she grunts angrily unlocking her phone "It was only a matter of time"
"NO! Please" I reach for her arm "I told her to"
"WHAT?" She furrows her brows "Normani you are confusing me"
Oh no. How can I say this with out making Lauren sound like the sadistic freak she is.
"She's a sex addict.." Sex addict? Yeah that works "She likes these kinky things and I told her I would try. But it's too much for me"
Dinah looks at me for a moment, seemingly trying to decide if she believes me or not "How bad did she hit you?"
"Normani how bad did she hit you?" She speaks louder this time after I don't answer "And where?"
"Not that bad" I lie "And on my butt"
"If it's not that bad show me"
"Dinah..." I whine.
"If you don't want me to call the cops Normani.. I'm not playing with you. Show me"
I sigh standing from the couch and slowly start to pull my shorts down. She grabs my waist turning me and pulls them down the rest of the way.
I hear the biggest gasp escape from her lips "Mani... it's bruised everywhere. Does it still hurt?"
"Not really" I respond
Suddenly I feel her cool fingers brushing over my skin softly as if she's analyzing it "What did she hit you with?" She whispers.
"A belt" I lie.
"Jesus" she grunts angrily.
I quickly turn and pull my shorts back up looking to dinahs face ashamed "I'm in love with her Dinah and I just thought I could go into her world. I was stupid"
"Are or was in love?
"I am" I admit "But-"
"Mani what the hell is wrong with you?" She cut me off "I am all here for fun and kinky shit but this.. this is fucked up"
"I'm not going to see her anymore Dinah" I frown.
"Good.. you shouldn't... ever" she rolls her eyes "Have you been putting anything on that?" She questions hinting to my butt and I shake my head no. I haven't been doing much of anything.
"Come on" she grabs my hand "my mother gave me this cream that helps with bruises"
We enter her room and I sit on her bed as she scrambles through her drawer trying to find it. "Here it is!"'she says with a grin holding it up in the air.
I giggle and shake my head as she walks over to the bed. I reach my hand out to grab it "Thank you, I'll put it on later"
"Girl if you don't lay down. I'll do it" she says snatching it away "I'm your bestfriend I've seen this ass a million times"
I go to oppose but what's the point? It's Dinah. I lay down and pull my shorts slightly down. She opens the jar and rubs it on her hands.
After a few moments I feel her warm hands press against my bottom, rubbing it gently as she starts to speak "Doesn't hurt does it?"
I mumble with my face in my arms "No, it feels good"
After a few seconds of her hands rubbing slow circles over my butt I question "This isn't weird to you?"
"Nah" she says with a shrug and a giggle. "What's weird is that this happened to you.. it literally makes me sad" she speaks softly and her hands rub up my side before going back down.
"Can we not talk about it?" I groan.
"Sure. How was going back home?"
"It was..um interesting" I pause for a moment as Lauren and her random pop up crosses my mind. It's day three without her and it's pure torture. I feel like so much of me is missing.
Dinah hands stop moving and she gives me a tap telling me that she's done. I mumble a quick thank you.
After my shorts are back up I turn to sit cross cross facing her. "How was your vacation?" I switch the subject to her.
She frowns "Now I don't wanna talk about mine since you've been down"
"No im fine" I shake my head "and it was great seeing my mothers crazy ass. She said she misses you by the way"
She grins "oh really? I'll have to call her. And well my vacation was great"
She starts on and on about her vacation in Hawaii and the beaches and beautiful people and all you can drink drinks. She tells me how Camila missed her so much that she begged to take a flight to spend the last two days with her.
"Where is Camila anyway?" I question.
"Went to drop of her luggage at home, she'll be here tonight"
"You guys can't get enough of eachother can you?" I question, unable to hide the pain and jealousy in my voice.
"Are you okay?" She frowns "I mean I don't know why that woman has you so lost in your head. But I know you love her and trust me I know what heartbreak feels like. So if you don't want to see Camila and I all hugged up, she doesn't have to come. We can just hang out instead"
Wow what did I do to deserve her?
"No" I shake my head "She can come. I wouldn't do that. I'm fine"
But honestly I'm not. Will I even be able to see Camila without the constant thoughts of her sister haunting my head? I'll just have to stay in my room.
She gives me a sorry smile before saying "Okay"
//
"Okay but are you sure?" Her voice is soft yet full of shock.
"Yes, yes, yes. I've said yes a thousand times" I groan slightly annoyed at this point.
"But you said no" she frowns confused.
"Do you want to fuck me or not Dinah?"
"Shidddd" she smirks lunging at me. Her fingers wrap around to the back of my neck as her lips press into mine.
She guides me to my bed and lays me down gently, quickly reaching for the hem up my shirt.
"Eager are we?" I question with a giggle after it was over my head and thrown to the floor. I had no bra on so that left my breasts exposed to her.
"Shut up annoying" she laughs and immediately leans down anxiously, connecting our lips again as she slides my shorts and underwear off.
"Dinah take this off" I mumble against her lips, grabbing at the bottom of her shirt and I feel her lips form into a smirk before she lifts.
She rips her shirt off on one motion and then leans forward, placing her hands on the bed beside me. I take my cue to reach around to he bra strap and my fingers fumble as her lips form around my neck "Shit" I moan softly as I finally get it off.
She lifts and giggles looking down at me. Oh my. I can touch her.
I bring my hands both slowly and shakily up and cup both of her breasts. Wow.
I look up into her eyes and she looks at me confused "Girl I know they're small but if you don't put one of these titties in your mouth"
Oh my god! I hate her. Dinah never fails to my me laugh.
I burst out in laughter "Come here"
She leans down and I take one into my mouth sucking and licking all over it as my hand massages over her other. She moans softly as she sticks her thigh between my leg, giving my dripping core something to rub up against. I move my center up and down haunts her though slowly.
The door knocks causing Dinah to sit up, we both look over to the door.
"Come in Milaaa"
The door opens and Camila is standing there with nothing on but a bra and panties "No fair! You guys started with out me"
"Come on" Dinah prompts her and looks back to me "We don't want you to do anything, just let us take care of you"
Camila quickly and clumsily takes off her bra and panties and walks over, sitting by us on the bed. I sit up all the way and Dinah scoots off of my sitting next to me on her knees. And now I find myself the middle of a Dinah and Camila sandwich.
"Can I?" Camila questions softly and I bite my lip with a nod.
She smiles and shuffles scooting closer to me. Her hand reaches behind my neck and slowly our lips meet. Wow Camila definitely has the soft lips out of the sisters.
The kiss gets heated but suddenly I'm distracted by dinahs warm lips on my neck. I moan softly into camilas mouth as her girls friends licks, nips and sucks all over my sweet spot. Her kisses travel down my collar bones as her tongue escapes, brushing over them gently. Quickly Camila shifts some more, lowering me down to the bed. Suddenly her lips are the pair that's on my neck as Dinah on the other side of me lowers down. I'm sure she figured Camila can handle the top of me because I feel the heat of her lips traveling down my body with slow gentle kisses.
"Fuck Camila" I groan loudly as her teeth sink into neck, oh this pleasure is never ending.
As Camila continues to tongue down my neck, her hand reaches to massage my breasts and her fingers twist my sensitive nipples. Oh... god.. I moan and my back lifts off of the bed as Dinahs trail of sensual kisses down my stomach comes to a stop only for her to rip my legs open. I feel her long fingers digging in my thighs as her lips nip up the inside.
Soon her mouth reaches my center and she pressed a gentle kiss into causing me to squirm and move at her touch. Camilas kisses travels from my neck down to my chests. She forms both hands around them, pushing them together and Burris her head inside licking back and forth over and over again.
"Mmmm fuck" I moan as dinahs tongue comes into play swiping up and through my folds.
My hips start to move into her mouth uncontrollably as Camila takes and nipple into her mouth and bites down hard.
"Aaaah please" I cry "Dinahh"
And just what I wanted happen. Dinah brings her hand up and with no longer wait doves two of those fingers inside of me as her lips latch around my clit. I always teased her about the length of her fingers but am I teasing now? No. I'm glad she's the one down there.
I moan loudly as my hips buck trying to match her pace. My hands lace through camilas hair pulling her closer into my chest. Jesus. I feel the build up as Dinahs fingers brush through my walls and stroke my g-spot with every pound.
The door knocks, this time far louder than camilas knock. And we all freeze.
I look to Dinah "You invited more people? Does this look like an orgy to you?"
"What? No we didn't" she looks confused.
The door knocks again, much much louder the time. And Dinah shuffles off of me dropping my legs.
"OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR NOW!"
"LAUREN?"
I jump up abruptly, confused and aroused and completely lost. It's night time. Yes I'm in my bed, but Dinah and Camila are nowhere to be found.
Holy shit!
Did I have a dream about a threesome? What in the hell?
This had to be because they're both here and I spent most of the night hanging with them. They tried to keep my mind off of Lauren. Jesus. My chest is still pounding.
I glance over at my clock and I only have about 5 hours left to sleep. I let out a deep sigh and lower back down to the bed.
The next morning roles around and after I'm showered prepared to make my way to the studio. I stumble out of my room. I pause when I hear those two in the kitchen. I feel guilty and ashamed for some reason even though it was a dream. It was so vivid, so real. It's embarrassing. All I've been doing is comparing other people to Lauren since I've left and I feel like this dream is my body's way of trying to fill her void.
I take a deep sigh and make my way out and I hear shushing, followed my giggling and then more shushing.
"What the hell is going on?" I question with my brow raised.
"Oh nothing we were just wondering if you happened to have two women by the names of Camila and Dinah in your room last night? Around lets say" Camila says and holds up her wrist looking at a fake watch "3 am?"
I gasp loudly, bringing my hand up to my mouth. I could not have actually said their names out loud. I know I talk in my sleep but come on.
Dinah giggles with a fake gasp "You're having wet dreams about us! Look at how hot we are Mila" she chuckles giving the shorter girl a high five.
"She thinks we're cute. She thinks we're sexy. She wanna fuckkk us" Camila sings and Dinah joins in.
"Fuck you two, I'm leaving" I say grabbing my bag and swinging it over my shoulder.
She's still chuckling as I walk away "Okay sorry! Good luck Manz!"
"Good luck mani!" Camila shouts.
"Wait don't you not have a car? I'll drop you off" Dinah says.
"Oh shit you're right" I groan "Thank you"
"Here take the keys. Let me go slip on some sweats" she says grappling the keys from the counter and tossing them to me.
Seven gruesome hours have passed and I find myself entering the locker room extremely exhausted. Some dancers are just as exhausted as me while others are just getting changed to start their training. Sucks for them they're going to be in here until at least 1 am.
I throw my bag down on the bench and plop down by it, in front of my locker. I quickly begin to point and flex my toes seemingly trying to stretch out the pain. My hand forms around my neck and shoulder area as I begin to roll my neck. It's easy to block out the sounds of this place when there's no one to talk to, I'm in my own little world and with Lauren still on my mind being in my own little world doesn't seem to bad right now. I need an escape.
But still nothing is filling the void in my chest, a void that's been present since Saturday morning, a painful reminder of my loss. Lauren.
No. Dont think about her please. Not now. I don't want to cry here.
After composing myself I reach for my locker. The locker is huge and embroiled with jewels. My name is engraved in it. This place is loaded with money because of the high quality shows and performances it puts on, people pay big bucks to watch them dance. And soon I'll be dancing and the thought excites me.
After I open it I raise my brows at the sight. There's a huge red box inside with a bow wrapped around it. My heart drops as I quickly reach to grab it.
I sit back down on the bench my hands are fumbling clumsily as I try to open it and when I do I'm met with seven long-stemmed red roses and a card. I reach for the card.
Congratulations on your first day at your dance company.
I hope it went well and lived up to your expectations.
Lauren
I stare at the typed card, the emptiness in my chest expanding. No doubt, her assistant sent this. Lauren probably had very little to do with it. It's too painful to think about. I examine the roses - they are beautiful, and I can't bring myself to throw them in the trash.
Maybe this was already set to be sent out before what happened a few days ago. How did it even get into my locker? I'm confused, but I'm tired. I need to shower. I stand and slide on my sweats. It's a shower here but right now I just want to go home. I'll shower there.
I glance over at the dancers and I see Tiki who is one of the dancers in my section we had a quick conversation earlier she seems nice. I turn my head the other way and then I see Victoria, she's staring at me.
Her highlighted brown curly hair is pulled up in a messy bun. She only has on a sports bra, indicating that she already took off her leotard. Her sweats are low, hanging off of her waist. Wow.
I give her a polite smile and nod before turning to shut my locker. Before I know it she's right beside me.
"Hey.." she says softly with a smile "Out of here already?"
"Just about" I shrug "I have to wait on my roommate to grab me"
"I thought you drove?" She questions confused.
"Long story"
"I have time" she smiles.
I squint my eyes at her perching my lips "A long story that I'm not willing to tell"
"Understood" she chuckles lightly "How are you liking it here so far?"
"It's um intense" I admit with a giggle "But I know what I signed up for"
"Yeah, these long days can bite you in the ass" she shakes her head with a grin
"How are you liking it?" I question for some reason wanting to keep the conversation alive.
"Intense like you said, on top of this I'm a photographer I don't know if I told you or not but yeah. I'm always busy" she shrugs as her bottom lip enters her mouth "Which reminds me are you still coming to my show tomorrow?"
Oh! The show I forgot about that. Lauren was going to be my date. I frown and she sees it.
She pouts "It'll be fun, drinks.. food.. music.. some pictures I've taken"
"Yeah I'll go" I give a closed lipped smile.
The biggest smile washes over her face "The tickets are plus one. Do you plan on bringing a date?"
"Was... but no"
She looks at me apologetically noticing the sorrow on my face "Trust me I get it.. even better.. who needs a date anyway?" She says grinning and I giggle. "What time is your roommate coming to grab you?"
"I actually have to call her and see if she even can" I twist my lips.
I'm glad I never threw my phone away that I had before Lauren gave me that Iphone.
She chuckles "I'll take you home, that's if you'd like"
"Oh no" I raise my brows "I don't want to be a bother. I'm sure she can come"
"You're not a bother trust me" she smiles "Plus we were sort of supposed to hang out anyway before training started and that failed"
"Sorry about that. I've been so preoccupied" I respond "And I guess I'll take you up on that ride offer then" I respond and can't help but to smile being as though she's been smiling this whole time. It's rubbing off.
"Cool" she grins "Ill go um... grab my bags"
We hopped in the car and somehow she managed to convince me to go to Starbucks with her so she could grab her coffee. And somehow we wound up sitting down to drink as I drink my tea. This woman over very persuasive.
I laugh out loud at the thousandth joke she told.
"Oh my god! Did you snort?!" She laughs leaning forward.
"Please stop! You're going to make my tea come out of my nose" I whine still laughing.
"Okay okay sorry" she chuckles.
Jeez I needed these laughs. She's a really cool down to earth person. We've been sitting in hear for about and hot and forty five minutes and even though I'm dog tired and in need of a shower it doesn't even seem like it.
"Thank you" I smile softly.
"For what?"
"For the ride and insisting on paying for this tea"
"Well since I'm basically holding you hostage in Starbucks ins the least I could do and I'd drive you home any day" she shrugs easily "Dance buddy by day, Chauffeur by night"
"Corny" I chuckle "But no.. I'll be getting my car soon"
"Oh" she says with the frown evident on her face.
"Until then you can drive me I guess" I shrug playfully and she smiles.
We sit on sipping our drinks before she blurts out "You look like a model"
"Huh?" I giggle "That was random"
"I'm sorry being a photographer I just notice these things. You have the perfect face for it and your teeth are amazing"
"Okay now you're just gassing me up" I wave her off.
"No seriously" she chuckles "I would love to photograph you some day"
"Oh really?" I smile.
"Really" she mocks my smile.
"I'd like that.. I mean if you think I have the face for it. You're the one with the expert eye"
"You'd want to?" She grins "What were your plans going to be after I dropped you off?"
I sit for a second thinking about the schedule I've developed over these last few days: Wake, cry, sleep. And again my mind goes to Lauren. I miss her so much. So so much.
"Sleep" I whisper with a lump in my throat.
She looks confused by my sudden change of demeanor but she just doesn't understand. The most I've talked about Lauren was to Dinah and that didn't even last long because even though I told her a lot I couldn't tell her it all.
"What if I shoot you tonight? If so I could get them blown up and put them in my show as well"
I raise my brows "What? You would do that?"
She shrugs "Well I told you you have the perfect face. Why not share it with the world"
"The world?" I chuckle making a confused face.
"Okay well why not share it with the 300 hundred people that are coming" she laughs.
"Sure why not" I shrug. Maybe this can distract me from Lauren.
We made the way to her studio and it is legit. She allowed me to do my own hair and make up but is going to provide the clothes. I look around with my jaw basically dropped at the scenery.
"This is... wow" I say gawking "Your work must make a lot of money"
She shrugs setting up her camera "Yeah"
"So why dancing too?"
"Dance has always been my first passion. I'm sure you can understand that Miss Perfect"
"Miss perfect?" I chuckle
"Yeah, I was watching today you barely missed a single step"
"Well I've been dancing since two.. sort of comes easy" I respond.
She makes a few more adjustments and then looks up to me "You ready?"
"Yeah.. um are you going to tell me how to pose? I've never done this before.
"Don't worry, i'll guide you"
She walks over with the camera in her hand and places me in position. "There" she says "Try to look natural. Easy... free" she whispers the last word.
She steps back and I relax "okay now.. go" after her words the first click happens.
Many many clicks and poses and adjustments later and were still going as she moves around almost as much as me snapping away. "Okay good.. now drop your strap a little and dip your shoulder"
I do as she says and she freezes for a second, moving the camera from her face and looking at me. I frown. I must be doing it wrong.
"Amazing.." she breathes and slowing brings the camera back to her face "are you sure you've never modeled before?" She questions still clicking.
We wrap up and she watches me as I grab my clothes and head back into the room where she told me to change. After putting on my clothes I come back out and she's adjusting a few things in the studio.
"This was fun.. thank you" I speak "Where do I put this"
"Oh I'll take that" she says grabbing it and placing it on top of a crate "Yeah it was fun shooting you, we'll have to do it again sometime"
"Oh I don't know" I chuckle "Let's see how those three hundred people at your show feel about them first"
I'm back home now, showered and ready to flop down in bed. But I go to grab my laptop since Victoria said that she would send the pictures to my email and that they would be edited and done before 11pm.
As soon as I grab it I sigh deeply. Lauren brought me this. Will I ever, ever keep this woman out of my mind. I open my email. The pictures aren't there yet but there's an email from... Lauren.
Lauren:
Subject: Tomorrow
Dear Normani
Forgive me for being a bother. I hope that all is going well. Did you get my flowers?
I note that tomorrow is the gallery opening for your friend's show, and I'm sure you've not had time to purchase a car, and it's a long drive. I would be more than happy to take you - If you wish.
Let me know... please.
Lauren Jauregui
Tears form in my eyes. As I shut the laptop. I didn't even think about how I was going to get there since I'm so used to having a damn car. Shit! I'm so stupid.
Can I see her again? Could I bear it? Do I want to see her? I close my eyes and tilt my head back as grief and longing surges through me. Of course I do.
Maybe I can tell her I've changed my mind... That I want her back. No, no, no. I cannot be with someone who takes pleasure in inflicting pain on me, someone who can't love me.
Torturous memories flash through my mind - the gliding, holding hands, kissing, the bathtub, her gentleness, her humor, and her dark, intense, sexy stare. The way her green eyes could make me melt in an instant.
I miss her. It's been five days, five days of agony that has felt like an eternity.
I wrap my arms around my body, hugging myself tightly, holding myself together as I fall down to lay on my pillow the tears again won't stop.
I miss her. I really miss her... I love her. Simple.
I cried myself to sleep that night as remaining strong got a thousand times harder. Oh.. my god I miss her. The next early korening rolled around and I made woke up with the laptop still on the end of my bed. Should I respond?
No, I can't.
I quickly scurry out of bed and start my morning ritual preparing to go to the studio. Once I'm in the mirror pulling my curls into a pony tail, I break.
I'm so fucking weak.
I run over to my bed and open the laptop. My fingers hover over the keys and then I quickly slam it. I can't give in.
It only took two seconds for me to open it again.
Normani:
Hi Lauren,
Thank you for the flowers. They are lovely.
However, i'll manage to find a way by myself. Thank you.
Lauren:
Are you sure?
I quickly shut my laptop after reading it fighting the urge to send 'NO IM NOT SURE. I MISS YOU SO MUCH'.
But the fact is she's acting like nothing ever happened, when it did. She hurt me. We realized that I'm not for her, she isn't for me. We have to move on. I have to move on. Or else I'll be in this toxic, toxic relationship still begging for her love years down the line and like Dinah said I deserve better.
Two instances so far she has contacted me. Has she missed me? Probably not like I've missed her. Has she found a new submissive from wherever they come from? The thought is so painful that I dismiss it immediately. I quickly grab my dance bag and head out, this time to the bus stop since Dinah had something to do this morning.
In my mind's eye, I visualize Lauren's face the last time I saw her as I left her place. Her tortured expression haunts me. The tears falling from her face. I remember she didn't want me to go, which was odd.
Why would I stay when things literally were made into the clear? We were each skirting around our own issues. My fear of punishment, her fear of... what? Love?
She thinks she doesn't deserve to be loved. Why does she feel that way? Is it something to do with her upbringing? Her birth mom, the crack whore? My thoughts race on and one as I reach the large building and make my way inside. I have to clear my mind now. Clear my mind of her.
I make it to the dance studio and the hours go by faster today. And now I find my sore self waiting for Victoria by the door. She greets me with a smile as we head to her car.
"Are you excited for tonight?" I question turning the music down slightly.
"Excited nervous... nervous excited" she grins.
"I'm excited for you too, this is big"
"Yeah, I just hope my shit sells.. you know? I don't know that's just a thing I always struggle with. Confidence" she frowns looking to me as we pull up to the red light.
"Well from what you showed me I know I'd buy it" I smile
She smiles back, turning her head back to the road before pressing the gas "So you're going to buy something tonight then?"
"Well if a hoe wasn't broke -"
Her laughter cuts me off and we both laugh for several seconds. Wow. Why was I being so dry and short with her before? She's literally the nicest person ever. Hold on Dinah Jane, someone might steal your bestfriend position.
"I have to get high with you one day" she says with a light chuckle "I'm sure it would be the funniest day of my life"
I look to her "I don't smoke... you shouldn't smoke. You're a professional dancer"
"And you're a goody two shoes"
"I am not!" I pout.
"Um yeah ya are. But it's okay"
"No I'm not"
"Before I ask you this next question let me clarify something"
"Okay" I nod, slightly confused.
"You're a lesbian right?"
I choke on my own spit "I mean well yeah I like women" I mutter out after composing myself "How'd you know?"
"I can sense it" she chuckles "But the question was, Miss goody two shoes, how many women have you slept with?"
I choke again and she looks over to me "It's okay you don't have to answer"
Why is she testing me?
"One" I breathe. And in an instant every time Lauren fucked me until I could barely walk shot through my head. Oh.. my.
"One" she repeats me, not even sounding a bit shocked "There's no experience in that, you should change it. Have a little fun"
I sit back in the passenger chair as it gets harder to breathe. Maybe she's right. Not for the sake of experience because with this one woman I've done all that anyone could imagine. But for the sake of me moving on and leaving Lauren in the dust.
"Maybe you're right" I shrug.
The drive goes on and after a while she turned to me "By the way how are you getting there tonight?"
"I haven't figured it out" I respond as we pull in front of my home.
"Well I could come and grab you.. you know just for the sake of making sure you don't bluff on com-"
Her words were cut off by my a loud gasp as I gaze out of her car window seeing Lauren standing in front of her car all dressed up in a grey skin tight suit, similar to the one that she wore when I first interviewed her.
"What's wrong?" Victoria questions.
I barely hear her. Oh my god. Lauren. That woman is so beautiful. She's relaxed but anxious looking. Twiddling a rose in her hand and leaning against her car. Her shoulder length hair is parted down the middle and moving with the wind slightly.
"I.. I have to go" I mutter out opening the door. Lauren must have heard the sound because her eyes immediately snapped to Victoria's car.
"Okay.." she murmurs confused "I'll see you tonight?"
"Yes.. tonight" I breathe shutting the door.
As I walk across the street Lauren's eyes are blazing me and I feel a wide range of emotions that only she can make me feel.
"Normani" she breathes standing off of her car "Who was that?" Her voice is the same hard, stern controlling voice.
"Why are you here Lauren?" I question ignoring hers.
"To take you to the show. I promised I would go with you. So I'm here" she looks down to her hand and hold the rose out "This is yours"
"A few roses won't make this or us right Lauren" I breath and tears form in my eyes "You should really go. As I said I can manage to make it there on my own"
I see the pain on her face once a again and before the tears drop from my eyes I quickly turn to walk away, expecting a pull or yank from her snatching me back. But instead she lets me go. It's for the best... I repeat to myself. Stay strong Normani.
I open the door to walk in and I can't even bare to look back at her face or to turn period and let her see the tears dripping down mine. I absolutely hate this. I take a few deep breaths containing myself.
Shower... I need a shower.
I need to wash these damn tears away. I shower trying to clear my mind and wash the pain away. I know Lauren is on her drive back home and I get sad thinking of it.
If none this ever happened she would be here with me or I would be there with her. She would be my date and probably fuck the life out of me after we made it back home.
Time passed and I slipped into a long satin nude color, that split high up the thigh. I put on my six inch heels, curled my hair and fixed my face. I'm ready for this night out and some damn drinks.
"Are you read- woah wowww Mani" Dinah gushes "You look - what the fuck!"
"You like?" I chuckle.
"That thigh!" She says reaching for my dress "You could feed Africa with that alone. My god! Mani you're so sexy!"
"Okaaaay Dinah. Thank you" I blush feeling embarrassed.
"You sure you want to be in there with all those rich weirdos alone? You need a body guard or something"
I laugh "I'm fine.. now can we go. It starts in 40 forty minutes and it's far"
"Kay let me grab my keys"
I make my way to the door it's close to 7 pm now and the sun is setting. As I go to pull it open I hear a knock. What?
I open it and it's Lauren. She's still here it's been almost two hours at this point. I thought she been left.
"Laur-" I gasp "What are..? What are you still here?"
"Normani Kordei Hamilton I would really like to be your ride to this show tonight and quite frankly I'm not taking no for an answer. Now take this rose and lets go" she grunts.
Oh?
My lord.
I grab it and she holds her hand out to me and I look down at it before looking back up in her eyes. She looks afraid, determined and hopeful all at once. What am I doing?
I reach for her hand and the spark of her skin on mine sends me through a range of emotion. Why why why does this woman have this hold on me?
"Dinah, I have a ride" I speak loudly enough for her to hear me as my eyes are stuck locked on Lauren's.
I look down to her car and Tony is waiting with the door open for us. What she made tony wait all of this time too? Poor man.
We enter the car and as soon as tony shuts the door behind us I turn to look at Lauren. She looks so... delicious. Oh my lord. My mouth goes dry. It's been five days. Five days far too long.
But she's... scowling at me?
"When did you eat last?" She snaps.
Shit!
"Hello Lauren. Yes it's nice to see you too"
"I don't want your smart mouth now. Answer me." Her eyes blaze.
Holy shit. "Um... I had a yogurt at during one of our breaks. Oh - and a banana."
"When did you last have a proper meal?" She asks sharply.
Tony slips into the driver's seat, starts the car, and pulls out into the traffic.
"Well? Your last meal?"
"Lauren, that really is none of your concern," I murmur, feeling extraordinarily brave.
"Whatever you do concerns me. Tell me."
No, it doesn't. I groan in frustration, rolling my eyes, and Lauren narrows her eyes. And for the first time in a long time, I want to laugh. She can't touch me. I dare her to touch me.
I try hard to stifle the giggle that threatens to come out. Lauren's face softens as I struggle to keep a straight face, and I see a trace of a smile kiss her beautiful mouth.
"Well?" She asks, her voice softer.
"Pasta, last Friday," I whisper. Which was when I was last with her.
She closes her eyes as fury and possibly regret, sweeps across her face. "I see," she says, her voice expressionless. "You look like you've lost at least five pounds, possibly more since then. Please eat, Normani" she scolds.
I stare down at the twiddling fingers in my lap. Why does she always make me feel like an child?
She shifts and turns toward me. "How are you?" She asks, her voice still soft.
Well, I'm shit really... a pile of fucking shit. I swallow. "If I told you I was fine, I'd be lying."
She inhales sharply. "Me, too," she murmurs and reaches over and clasps my hand. "I miss you," she adds.
Oh no. Skin against skin. My body sets on fire again. Every time she touches me. Good lord.
I try to pull my hand away "Lauren, I - "
"Mani, please. We need to talk."
I'm going to cry. No. "Lauren, I... please... I've cried so much," I whisper, trying to keep my emotions in check
"Oh, baby, no." She tugs my hand, and before I know it I'm on her lap. She has her arms around me, and her nose is in my hair. "I've missed you so much, Normani" she breathes holding me close.
No. no. No.
I want to struggle out of her hold, to maintain some distance, but her arms are wrapped around me. She's pressing me to her chest. I melt. Oh, this is where I want to be. So badly.
I rest my head against her, and she kisses my hair repeatedly. This is home. She's so warm. My god.. She smells like linen, fabric softener, body wash, and my favorite smell - Lauren. For a moment, I allow myself the illusion that all will be well, and it soothes me. This won't last long though I just know it.
"Come" Lauren lifts shifts me off her lap - "we're here."
What? We've only been driving for like ten minutes.
"Helipad - on the top of this building." Lauren glances toward the building by way of explanation.
Of course. Green Machine. Tony opens the door and I slide out. He gives me a warm, smile that makes me feel safe. Much different from the disheartened look her shared when he had to drop me off home. I smile back.
"I'm glad you're here" he smiles, as un professional as he'll get.
I give an anxious frowny smile "I should give you your handkerchief back"
"Keep it, Miss Hamilton, with my best wishes"
I flush as Lauren comes around the car and takes my hand. She looks quizzically at Tony who stares impassively back at her, revealing nothing.
"Ten?" Lauren says to him.
"Yes, Ma'am"
Lauren nods as she turns and leads me through the double doors. I melt in the feel of her hand, her beautiful skilled fingers curled around mine.
This is so wrong. But it feels so right to have her back.
Reaching the elevators, she presses the call button. I peek up over at her, and she's wearing her sexy half smile. As the doors open, she releases my hand and hold her arm out telling me to go in.
The doors close and I take second peek. She glances over at me, green eyes alive, and it's there in the air between us, that electricity. The elevator just got ten times warmer as I begin to lose my breath. I can almost taste it, pulsing between us, drawing us together.
"Oh my," I gasp as I sulk in the intensity of this crazy attraction for her.
"I feel it, too," she says, her eyes clouded and intense.
Desire pools in my groin. She clasps my hand and grazes my knuckles with her thumb, and all my muscles clench tightly, deliciously, deep inside me.
Holy fuck. God damn. How can she still do this to me?
"Please don't bite your lip, Normani" she whispers.
I gaze over at her, releasing my lip. I want her. Here, now, in the elevator. How could I not?
Don't be stupid Normani.
"You know what it does to me," she murmurs.
Oh, I still affect her. My inner Mani is confused right now. She wants to scold me and tell me to leave this woman alone. But she also wants to jump on her, and tongue that beautiful woman down.
Abruptly the doors open, breaking the spell, and we're on the roof. It's windy, and despite my black jacket, I'm cold. Lauren puts her arm around me, pulling me into her side, and we hurry across to where Green Machine stands in the center of the helipad with the blades slowly spinning.
Once inside she buckles me firmly into my harness, cinching the straps tight. She gives me a knowing look and her secret smile.
"This should keep you in your place," she murmurs. "I must say I do like this harness on you. Don't touch anything."
I blush dipping my head and she runs her index finger down my cheek before handing me the headphones. I want to touch you, too, but you won't let me. I scowl at her. Besides, she's pulled the straps so tight I can barely move. It's on purpose.
After buckling herself in turning, she gazes at me. "Ready, baby?" Her voice echoes through the headphones.
Baby? Lauren you can't call me that. But I don't work up the courage to say anything.
"Yes."
She grins widely. Wow I haven't seen that huge grin in so long. She says something into the radio and before i know it we're off. I look out and there's so much to see. Florida below us.
"We've chased the dawn, Normani, now the dusk," her voice comes through on the headphones. I turn to look at her in surprise.
What does that mean? How is it that she can say the most romantic things? She smiles, and I can't help but smile shyly back at her.
"There's magic Kingdom" she points "One of my favorite places ever"
"I've never been" I gape looking downward.
"I'll take you. We could spend the day there"
What?
"Lauren, we broke up"
"I know. I can still take you there" She glares at me.
Ummmmm
I shake my head before taking a less confrontational approach. "It's very beautiful up here, thank you."
"Impressive, isn't it?"
"Impressive that you can do this."
"Flattery from you, Miss Hamilton? But I'm a woman of many talents."
That you are Lauren.
"I'm fully aware of that, Miss Jauregui."
She turns and smirks at me, and for the first time in five days, I relax a little. Perhaps this won't be so bad. Maybe tonight can go well.
"How's the dance company?"
"Good. Thank you. Exhausting and interesting.. but good"
"Who was that woman in the car? She dances there?"
I swallow. Why does she want to know? Jeez. "Her name is Victoria and yes she dances there. And this is actually her art show tonight"
"Hmmm. What's she like?"
"She's okay.."
She gazes at me and senses my emotion "What's wrong?"
"Aside from the obvious, nothing."
"The obvious?"
"Oh, Lauren, you really are very obtuse sometimes."
"Obtuse? Me? I'm not sure I appreciate your tone, Miss Hamilton."
"Well, don't then."
Her lips twitch into a smile. "I've missed your smart mouth. I want to fuck it"
I gasp "Lauren you can't say things like that!"
But I want to shout, I've missed you - all of you - not just your mouth! She doesn't say anything after that and we both keep quiet as I gaze out the window. What an interesting night this is going to be.
After flying for a little bit longer Lauren lands the helicopter. And we are on the same building that we landed three weeks about before I moved.
Wow. It's hardly been anytime at all yet I feel like I've known Lauren forever.
She unbuckles her harness and then reaches to unbuckle mine "Good trip Miss Hamilton?"
"Yes thank you, Miss Jauregui" I reply politely.
"Well, lets go see that girls photos" she says holding her hand out to me.
That girl? Uh oh. Here we go.
Lauren takes my hand, and we head to the emergency stairs. "Good thing for you this is only three floors, in those heels," she mutters to me in disapproval.
No kidding. My feet hurt already.
"Don't you like them?"
"I like them very much, Normani" Her gaze darkens and I think she might say something else, but she stops. We pause standing on the steps "What frightens me is that you're wearing them for someone else" she frowns.
I shake my head no, in shock a little at how much the thought bothers her.
"Come. We'll take it slow. I don't want you falling and breaking your neck." We start walking again.
We sit in silence as our driver takes us to the gallery. My anxiety has returned full force, and I realize that our time in Green Machine was the best I'll probably get tonight. Lauren is quiet and reserved... apprehensive even; our lighter mood from earlier has disappeared. There's so much I want to say, but this journey is too short. Lauren stares out the window.
"Victoria is just a friend" I murmur.
Lauren turns and gazes at me, her eyes dark and guarded, giving nothing away. Her mouth - oh, her mouth is distracting, and tempting. I remember it on me - everywhere. My skin heats. She shifts in her seat and frowns.
"Those beautiful eyes look too large on your face, Normani. Please tell me you'll eat."
My eyes are beautiful? No Lauren you have the most beautiful eyes in the world.
"Yes, Lauren, I'll eat," I answer with a slight tone in my voice.
"I mean it."
"Do you now?" I cannot keep the disdain out of my voice.
Honestly, the audacity of this woman - this woman who has put me through hell over the last few days. Telling me what to do?
No, that's wrong. I've put myself through hell. No. It's her. I shake my head, confused.
"I don't want to fight with you, Normani" her green eyes blaze me with a soft essence behind them "I want you back, and I want you healthy" she says softly.
What? What does that mean?
"But nothing's changed."
You're still fifty shades.
"Let's talk on the way back. We're here."
A/N:
First Chapter of a long journey🙂
By the way I had to give the N, D, C threesome since you guys wanted it 😂 too bad it was a dream. That was the only way I can work it in when all N wants is Lauren lol. Btw how does one successfully write a lesbian threesome when they've never had a lesbian twosome. Well I tried.
Vote and comment please😘