I gripped the porcelain rim of the toilet with my hands and lurched up the contents of my stomach from the day before. Which hadn't been much. Max's funeral. Max's funeral was today. My stomach tried to force me to spew whatever I had left in me. Hot tears were streaming down my face and I pounded my fists down on the tile floor. "No." I pleaded out in a low mutter. "Please, God, no."
I heard the bathroom door swing open. It was 5:50 A.M. I hadn't expected anyone to be awake this early. "Nova?" Angelina's voice spoke softly through the sounds of my cries. "Are you in here?"
I scooted over to the stall door and opened it, but remained sitting. "Yeah." I responded as her head peeked into the stall.
She walked over and crouched down again. "Are you sick again?" She asked in a concerned voice. I nodded. "Nova, you've thrown up every day for the last week. You run out of the room every morning; you've had to run out of classes." She stated in the same concerned voice. "I know you're upset about Max, but this is taking a toll on your physical health." She added. "I think you should go to the doctor and get some anti-nausea pills so you can at least keep food down."
I shook my head quickly back and forth. "No, no. I'm not going to the doctor, I'll be fine." I replied. She gazed at me with worry. "The medical bill... I can't afford that right now."
She shrugged. "Well, maybe your parents—."
"No, Angelina!" I shouted louder than I intended. I looked down. "I'll be fine after this Max guilt wears off." I added; my eyes still locked onto the floor.
She put a hand on my shoulder. "I told you that it's not your fault." She reminded me. "Max wanted to save you."
I shook my head. "Some of my last words to him were, 'leave me alone', 'I hate you', and 'never speak to me again'. I said and chocked back a sob. "Do you know how horrible that makes me feel?"
She smiled sympathetically. "I can imagine; but there's nothing you can do about it now." She stated in a soft voice. I nodded. "Now," She pulled a tampon out of her sweatpants pocket. "I've been bleeding throughout this whole conversation." She stated with a chuckle and rose to her feet. "Oh, thanks for buying more for once. It's not fun when you use them all and make me search the room for them every month."
I gave her a small smile. "No problem."
Classes were cancelled that day for Max's funeral. A lot of students who didn't know him were thrilled because of this, and it made me sick. Emotionally and physically. I looked around the quad in search of a garbage can and ran to the nearest one; somehow managing to discharge up some bile even though I hadn't eaten. I looked down at my black, funeral attire in case I had gotten any on it. Luckily, I didn't. I had been walking with Silas and he walked over to me and rubbed my back. "This is hard for all of us, Nova, but you need to think about your health. You're dehydrated. You need to eat something." He spoke in a quiet, soft voice that matched the one Angelina had used in the bathroom that morning. "You need to remember that this isn't your fault. Max wouldn't blame you at all and Jude and Killian are behind bars." I remained silent. "Now, let's go to the cafeteria and meet everyone." I nodded and walked with Silas to the cafeteria. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a stick of gum from the package that was almost gone.
We entered the cafeteria and I saw Angelina, May, and Kyle sitting at a table in the center of the room; they too were dressed for the funeral. Angelina and May had saved me a seat between them and I sat down with a small smile for them both. Silas sat down next to Kyle and Angelina. Angelina leaned over to me. "You need to eat something." She told me in a whisper.
"I'll get here something." Kyle spoke in a worried voice. "What do you want, Nova?" He asked me. My eyes were focused down at the table and I gave him a small shrug.
"Get her some crackers and an apple juice." Silas instructed him. "And some green grapes; those are her favorite." Kyle, then left the table and walked toward the food counter. I peered over at him as he grabbed a plate, then looked back down at the table. "Are you feeling any better?" Silas asked. I just shrugged in response again. "Nova, please look at me." He begged. I flashed my eyes up to him. "Is there something else going on?" He inquired. I shook my head. Silas sighed; giving up and didn't add anymore to the conversation.
Kyle came back with my food and set it in front of me. I mumbled a quiet 'thank you' without looking up at him. He didn't respond and sat back down in his spot. I wrapped my gum in a napkin and took a small nibble off a cracker and swallowed. It went down pretty smoothly so I nibbled on the rest of it until it was gone. I popped a few grapes into my mouth, and then drank about half of the apple juice. "Alright, I'm done." I stated and pushed the remaining food away from me. Everyone else had finished their food a while ago and each of them were staring back at me with concern. "I'm fine. If you guys can stop staring at me like I'm about to throw myself off a bridge, that would be great." I sneered; then pushed myself up from the table and exited the cafeteria. I jogged over to a nearby bench, sat down, brought my knees up and wrapped my arms around them. I started crying again and buried my face into my legs. I moved my hand closer to my other and began rubbing the scar on my wrist that Jude had left.
A few moments after that I felt someone sit down next to me, but didn't speak. "Nova," It was Kyle's voice. "Talk to me. I'm worried about you." I peeked up over my knees, looked over at him, but didn't meet his eyes. "Do you blame yourself for what happened to Max?" I nodded. "Please don't." I didn't say anything. I brought my eyes straight ahead and gazed over at the cafeteria. "Nova, look at me. Talk to me." He demanded. I didn't move. "You've barely said two words to me this last week. I want to help, but I can't if you keep ignoring me."
I looked over at him and met his eyes finally. I shook my head. "You can't help." I whispered. I looked back at the cafeteria again. "No one can."
He put his arm around me and pulled me into him. "I'm here for you." He told me and buried his face into my hair. "We're all here for you." I didn't respond. Kyle got to his feet and grabbed my hand. I looked up at him. "We have to get going." I nodded, and he helped bring me to my feet. "I'm going to take you to my car and the rest of them will meet us there." I nodded, and we began to walk toward the parking lot. Kyle cleared his throat. "So, can you tell me what you're thinking?" He asked. I didn't say anything. "Nova." He added firmly.
"I blame myself." I began. "If I hadn't gotten involved with Jude in the first place, like I was warned not to, Max would still be alive. He died knowing my last words to him were horrible." I dropped my head to the ground and rubbed the scar on my wrist again. "There's just a lot on my mind."
He sighed. "Well, I'm glad you finally talked to me." I could hear the relief in his voice.
We made it to Kyle's car a few minutes later. He opened the passenger side door for me and I slid in. He went around and got behind the wheel. We sat there silently for about a minute. I glanced over at him momentarily before looking out the window again. Then I glanced over at him again and looked out of the window again. "Kyle..." I began in a soft, shaky voice.
He looked over at me. "Yeah?" He responded with a slightly nervous tone to his voice. I opened my mouth to speak, but Silas, Angelina, and May had made it to the car. "Tell me later?" He asked. I nodded. The three of them got into the car in silence and we began to drive toward the graveyard. We arrived at the same time a lot of people were. I recognized a few people from school, but I didn't know anyone else. We exited the car in silence and made our way over to the crowd of people. We waited for a few more minutes until the hearse arrived. I swallowed. They removed the coffin from the back of it and brought it over to the empty grave. I felt tears stinging in my eyes, but they didn't fall. I hung my head and swallowed the lump in my throat.
The priest began to recite scripture. He spoke for about twenty-five minutes, before the family began putting flowers on the casket. Then it was lowered into the ground. I didn't cry surprisingly, but I hurt all over. Some people began to leave, but my feet remained planted on the ground. I looked at my friends who were all looking back at me with concern again. I gave them each a small smile which seemed to put them at ease. Angelina and May both wrapped me in hugs, then began to walk toward the car.
And then, I couldn't take it anymore. I glanced over Angelina, May, Silas, and Kyle—trying to determine which one I could trust undeniably, with one hundred percent certainty. I looked at Kyle who looked like he was trying to figure out why I was staring at him this way. Then, I turned and grabbed Silas by the arm and dragged him from away from the crowd. I saw Kyle looking back at me in confusion and I just shook my head in response. "What's up?" He asked with wondering in his eyes. Tears instantly started rolling down my cheeks and I grabbed my chest in pain. Silas quickly grabbed me by the arms. "Whoa, whoa." He said in a soothing voice. "What's wrong?" I started to sob and was unable to form a single word. "Nova, please calm down and tell me what's wrong."
I managed to calm down for a single moment so I could look up and meet his eyes. The look in my eyes, made Silas turn white and looked as if he were about to be sick. "Silas," I chocked through my cries. I swallowed again. "I'm pregnant."