Faye's
"Chr-Chris?" Pinilit ko siyang tawagin kahit na walang boses na gustong lumabas sa lalamunan ko. I really felt my heart pounding so fast. Sa sobrang bilis nito pakiramdamdam ko hindi na ako makahinga pero sa kabila ng nararamdaman ko, hindi ko malubayan ng tingin ang likod ng lalaking kaharap ko.
At sa unang pagkakataon, ngayon ko lang hiniling na sana hindi ang lalaking pinakamamahal ko ang nasa harapan ko o ang tinawag ko. Subalit hindi iyon nangyari dahil sa pagharap niya doon ko nakumpirma.
"K-Kirstine?! Wha-what— anong ginagawa mo dito?!" Kahit unti-unti nang nanlalabo ang paningin ko, kitang kita ko sa kanya ang pagkataranta at pangamba na mas lalong nagpalaki ng hinala ko.
Agad siyang lumapit sakin at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. I don't know but I could see tears are about to fall from his eyes. Disbelief, fear... and regret is written all over his face.
"Anong ibig sabihin ng lahat nang 'to Chris?" Tumungo siya at nagsimulang halikan ang mga kamay ko. His warm hands are trembling. Fuck why is this happening? Bakit ba siya nagkakaganyan kung wala naman talaga silang masamang ginagawa? Bakit ganyan ang reaksyon niya kung wala talaga siyang kasalanan?
"Chris ano 'to?" Ulit ko nang hindi siya sumagot.
Ilang segundo na ang nakalipas subalit parang wala siyang planong sagutin ako kaya kahit ayaw ko, napilitan akong tignan ang isa pang tao na nandito sa loob ng silid.
Kahit labag man sa loob ko, nagtanong pa rin ako kahit halata naman na ang sagot. "Mark anong ibig sabihin nito?" Hoping that he would answer me back but all he did was look at me. He looked at me with pity and mouthed "I'm sorry". So that's it. I got my answer.
Tinignan ko silang dalawa at nagsimula nang tumulo isa-isa yung mga luhang kanina pang gustong gusto kumawala. Nanatili lang kami sa ganoong posisyon hanggang sa kinuha ko na ang mga kamay ko mula kay Chris dahil gusto kong pigilan ang ingay na nanggagaling sa bibig ko dulot ng hikbi.
"K-Kirstine—" Chris hugged me like a mad man. No. No. I don't want him calling me that way. I don't want his hugs. I don't need his solace. Ayoko ng ganito. Ayoko ng ganyan siya dahil pakiramdam ko unti unti niya nang pinapatunayan ang hinala ko and I hate it. Ayoko dahil masakit, ang sakit sakit.
Kaya kahit na nanghihina na ako, pilit akong kumalas sa yakap niya. Paulit ulit kong tinataboy ang mga brasong pilit niyang inililingkis saakin. We do look like stupid with what we are fucking doing. Ayaw niyang tumigil kaya napilitan akong itulak siya palayo sa akin. I looked at him and just by looking at him hurts me! He looks so sorry. Sorry for what? For hurting me? For cheating on me? Or for using me? Damn I could hardly understand what is happening.
There's just so many questions that's running in my head right now but I seem not to find the proper words to be used for me to verbalize them all. All I could do is to cry my heart out. I just cried in front of them like a goddamned child crying over a broken doll. Napaupo na lang ako sa sahig dahil para na akong nauupos na kandila sa nararamdaman ko. I feel helpless.
But in the middle of my sobs I managed to gather my strength to voice and ask him, "Bakit mo sa'kin 'to nagawa?" I could hardly recognize my own voice because of the involuntary sobs that I can't suppress. Halos hindi ko na rin maaninag ang mukha niya dahil sa nanlalabo kong paningin. "How dare you do this to me, Chris?" Mabilis niya akong dinaluhan sa pagkakaupo at muling niyakap. This time it is more tight and overwhelming as if he doesn't want to let me go. But we both now it means the opposite.
Then to my ears, he whispered, "I'm so sorry..." No. Please no, Chris! Don't. I can't...
"Kirstine, I'm ga—
"NOOOOO!" Napabalikwas ako mula sa pagkakahiga sa kama at mabilis kong hinahabol ang aking hininga. Hindi ko mapigilang hindi masapo ang dibdib ko dahil sa bilis ng pintig ng puso ko. Napansin ko ding basa ang gilid ng mata ko. "Damn! How dare could I forget to take my pills?!" Napahawak ako sa noo ng maalala kong hindi pala ako nakainom ng sedative bago natulog.
"That shitty nightmare again." I mumbled with my eyes still half closed. For the past three years, I have been bothered by having the same dream for every damn night kaya kinailangan kong uminom ng sleeping pills gabi gabi para magkaroon ng maayos na tulog. Sometimes, it's fragmented, sometimes they are blurry, but most of the time, the dream seems to be so detailed that I almost forgot that it was only a freaking dream. Iba ibang scenario ang napapaginipan ko gabi gabi, yung iba kinuha sa aking nakaraan at yung iba mga pangyayaring hindi ko alam kung saan nang galing, pero iisa lang naman ang tauhan at ipinapahiwatig nila. Those nighmares keep on reminding me of the things that I should be burrying down in my memory. Maybe that is the reason why up until now I could hardly move on from my past.
Tinignan ko sa phone kung anong oras na ba and it showed me na alas tres y media palang nang umaga. Sinubukan ko ulit matulog pero nawala na yung antok ko kaya tumayo na lang ako at tinungo ang banyo para gawin ang morning routine ko.
Pagkalabas ko nang banyo napansin kong umiilaw ang phone ko kaya tinignan ko kung anong meron. It's a text message from Tanya reminding me of our night out. Siguro kakauwi lang nitong babaeng 'to galing sa club and it's already past three in the morning! Gosh kakauwi niya pa lang tapos club na naman ang nasa isip. Lunod na ata sa alak ang utak ng isang 'to.
Anyway muntik ko nang makalimutan na Sabado na nga pala ngayon. Tonight will going to be our night so I need to finish everything early.
* * *
I'm down to the last page of the revised plan nang biglang sumakit ang sentido ko. Kaya minadali ko nang basahin at pinirmahan yung papeles para matapos na. Kaagad kong inalis ang salamin ko saka minasahe ang mga mata at sentido ko. Maybe I should call it a day. Anyway, I need to reserve some of my energy para mamaya so I have decided to take a power nap. I don't want to look less in front of those bitches tonight because usually I always stand out among the three of us and I don't want to break that record. Never.
7:02 P.M.
Naalimpungatan ako sa ni-set kong alarm sa phone ko and it's been two hours since I set it. My God that's been a great nap for me and I'm sure I'll make the most out of this night.
Inayos ko muna ang sarili ko bago ako lumabas ng sarili kong opisina and I made sure that I look fresh and stunning as always because you see I have a lot of spectators whenever I come out of this freaking door. Parang hinihintay kasi talaga nilang magkamali ako or magkaroon ng kahusga-husgang katangahan everytime na nakikita nila ako but whatever, they're just waiting in vain.
Anyways my work here is done. I am just about to leave for dinner when my secretary suddenly entered the room. "Ma'am! Mabuti po at nagising na kayo. The Chairman already came from their trip and he wants to see you. He is waiting for you in the conference room down the hall." I searched for my phone to see if Dad messaged me. Dang! Meron nga! But why did he go straight here at company this late? Did something came up?
"Sure. By the way I already reviewed the papers, you can fetch it now." At mabilis ko nang tinahak ang pinto. Pero bago pa man ako makalabas, may naalala ako, "And oh Belinda, where did you buy my coffee awhile ago?" Tinignan niya akong mistulang nagtatanong. Even though she could hardly figure out why am I asking her that random question, she still managed to answer me.
"Uhm sa bagong bukas na coffee shop po sa harap ng building natin ma'am. Bakit niyo po natanong?"
"Nothing. Just don't buy me coffee from there again. Please take note on that." At tuluyan na akong lumabas ng opisina.
* * *
So after my talk with Dad, I have decided to have my dinner on a restaurant that's kind of Western and I just couldn't understand why some people keep on looking at me. I'm dead sure that I don't have something unusual with me. It's just me and my favorable beauty that's all.
At dahil masarap yung tulog ko kanina, isa-isa ko lang silang tinignan, no rolling eyes nor deadly stare. Then as what I've expected, isa-isa silang nagsi-iwas ng tingin while few of them was able to do the rolling eyes thing. How I wish mahanginan sana yung mga mata ng mga gaga para forever nang ganoon ang itsura nila at hindi na mag effort pang magtaray tarayan as if na bagay naman sa kanila. Stupid judgemental people who doesn't know how to mind their own businesses!
Inalis ko na lang ang tingin ko sa kanila. Then may lumapit nang waiter sa table ko. "Ma'am would you like to have something while waiting for your date tonight?" I stared back at the smiling guy in front of me. Honestly, this is not the first time I met this kind of incident but actually everytime I step into beaneries ganito lagi ang scenario. So I just keep my cool.
I have always kept in mind that these people were just doing their jobs and that there wasn't really wrong on there approach. Hindi naman nila alam. They were just doing what they were told to do so lalo na sa mga customers na katulad ko which are typically dating-age women. So I just smiled at him and get the menu that he's been offering me for a while now. "I'm waiting for no one. I'm here to grab my dinner."
He suddenly seemed troubled . "A-ah I'm sorry ma'am—"
"No. It's okay" I cut him off. After few seconds of glances on the menu, "I'll just have your famous steak. Medium, rare please. And I also want to try this and as well as one of these for my quencher." After the thank-you's nagpaalam na siya dala yung order ko.
So pagkatapos kong kumain, I went straight back on my condo to get ready for our clubbing. Well it's almost nine at ang usapan namin ay ten so kailangan ko nang mag madali. Napagkasunduan din namin na susunduin na lang daw nila ako dito sa unit at sabay-sabay na lang para hindi hassle.
I took a 30-minute warm bath and after that, I stepped in to my walk-in closet to find some of my new outfits for night outs.
Habang naghahanap ako ng masusuot, hindi ko mapigilang maisip siya. He used to hate me whenever I wear something against his dress code. Lalo na kapag kitang kita yung balat ko sa suot ko, he won't drop the argument and constant yellings hanggang sa mapilitan akong magbihis nang naaayon sa gusto niya. But as soon as I've realized what my mind has been rolling with, hard as I could, I shook the thoughts about him. He's not good for me. Not at all.
So after few minutes of search, I pick this fancy gray bandage club dress that was way way opposite of “that guy's” preference. I'm also wearing a five-inched stiletto heels which I bought all the way from France. I also apply minimal make-up for me to appear a little bit fiercer than my natural look.
Tinignan ko ang sarili ko malaking salamin sa loob ng walk-in closet. Ibang iba na ang ako ngayon kumpara sa Faye noon. I have never imagined, not even in my wildest dreams that the Miss Prim and Proper that everybody loves would became this rugged bitch in front of me. I smiled bitterly at the figure facing me and it does the same to me as well, only it does more bitter, like hell.
I dialled Tanya's digits...
"I'm ready bitches."