"Wake up my love," moms voice tickled my ear and a smile automatically spread across my lips even in my sleepy haze, "good afternoon."
"Afternoon," I stretched as I gazed up at my beautiful mom. She was the most stunning person I'd ever seen.
People had always said that I was pretty, but they said that mom was gorgeous. We looked a lot alike, almost sisters because she was so young, but she had that edge on me. Somewhere in the confidence of her smile and glimmer in her eyes she was the more beautiful version of me.
"How do I look?" mom did a spin in her stunning black silk, skin tight dress and shocking red high heels. Her face was all dolled up with dramatic eye shadow and fire engine red lipstick.
"Beautiful as always," I propped myself up on the bed and glanced at the clock. It was three in the afternoon. I'd been up all night in the casino bar waiting for mom to finish her game. When she'd finally emerged at five am I'd helped her back to bed as she could barely keep her eyes open.
Now she was off again in a whirlwind of hairspray and lipgloss to meet some big league opponents for lunch as they wanted to challenge her to a match that evening. I doubted I would see her again today.
"Thank you darling," mom kissed my forehead no doubt leaving a red mark and wafting her distinctive Chanel scent all over me, "I have to go now but look after yourself okay. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
She had a teasing smile on her lips and a lively glint in her eye as she waggled her fingers at me and sashayed out the door.
Little did I know that would be the last time I'd see her without a bullet in her head.
***
"Cara just open the door," Mitchell banged his fist on the door in irritation, "please!"
I kept my mouth closed just as I'd done the entire day and listened as Mitch barged against the door causing the wardrobe I'd pushed in front of it to tremble.
For the entire morning each of them had tried to persuade me to let them in to no avail. Couldn't they see that I didn't want to talk to them?
I remained curled up in the foetal position clutching moms blanket close to me and listening to Simon and Garfunkel quietly. I couldn't bare to see any of their faces and know that each moment I was spending with them was only putting them in more and more danger. Each time I opened up to them I was only putting them in a worse position. I couldn't do it anymore.
I wouldn't. For their sake.
"Cara," Mitch was getting more and more angry, "what happened?"
"Just leave me alone," I yelled at the door, "I don't want to speak to you."
"I don't care," Mitch yelled, "we want to speak to you."
I simply rolled over and pulled my pillow over my head to block them all out.
Eventually they left.
At lunch they came back and left food outside my door. They did the same at dinner but both times I didn't respond and didn't dare go out and get it as I knew they'd be waiting to pounce on me. Instead I ate from the pile of chocolate bars I had stashed under my bed. I read Wuthering Heights again and stared at the birthday card mom gave me every year. I stroked her curly, girly handwriting that she'd scrawled in each birthday.
Happy 1st birthday my love, read the first one.
Happy 17th birthday my beautiful grown up daughter and best part of my life, thank you for being so patient and so caring. I don't know what I'd do without you, read the last one.
It killed me that she'd never write one for my 18th birthday.
I let my tears be absorbed by the mattress so I could convince myself that I wasn't crying at all. I let all the pieces of me be cushioned by the duvet I was wrapped so tightly in that I couldn't fall apart. I let my sobs be muffled by the mattress so that no one could hear my pain. So no one could witness my weaknesses.
I remained in that position until my tears slowed and left stain marks on my cheeks like a huge sign telling the world how weak I was. I felt their taste in my tongue and up my nose, there was no hiding it.
When I finally untangled myself from the sheets and moved my aching limbs my first stop was the bathroom. I washed away my tear stains so there would be no proof of their existence. The moment I saw they were gone I decided now was the time to finally escape from the confines of my room. As I used my full weight to shift the wardrobe back into place I already knew where I was headed.
I raced straight for the skylight at the end of the hall but found it wasn't quite as easy to climb out of without Grey's help. I struggled to reach from the banister to the skylight now I didn't have his guiding hand so ended up with just one arm and leg through the window trying to to heave the rest of myself up.
"Need help?" the voice startled me so much I nearly lost my grip and fell, luckily I managed to steady myself before I could plummet down the stairs.
"I'm fine," I mumbled wanting to do it myself. I struggled for a few minutes before a pair of strong hands grabbed me by the underarms and heaved me up.
"What's your problem with not accepting any help?" he demanded setting me down on the roof tiles next to him.
I swivelled my head so I could look straight into Grey's intelligent grey eyes that glowed like ashes when the fire was just about to die.
"I didn't need your help," I insisted stubbornly.
"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I won't want to give it," Grey broke his intense gaze from mine to look up at the sky full of stars.
After a weighty pause I spoke slowly and thoughtfully, "my mom used to say that when you died you became a star so you could watch over all the people that you loved and keep them safe."
"Your mom sounds very smart."
"She was," I agreed, "she was the smartest person I knew."
"Tell me more about her," Grey instructed. So I did.
I told him about the way she used to throw her head back when she laughed and how her eyes would crinkle when she smiled. The way she never seemed to be afraid of anything and on the very rare occasion she did get scared it made her even tougher. I described the satisfied smirk she'd give to all the big shot players when she swiped all their money straight out from under their noses. Grey remained silent just listening to the way that mom would stay up each night hunched under a tiny light practising hundreds of card tricks so she could beat any opponent with ease. I spoke about the way her forehead would crease and eyebrows would synch together in concentration and how when she couldn't work something out she would chew her bottom lip. When she figured a problem out, which she always would in the end, her eyes would widen and light up and a smile like a jack-o-lantern would spread from cheek to cheek.
I talked and talked about her until I couldn't think of anything else to say, I told him all the things that only I saw in her, all the things that she hid from everyone else. I told him everything she deserved to be remembered for and should be known about her. Then after I was done I sat there with a dry mouth and aching lips, I waited in a loud silence for what Grey had to say.
"I wish I could've met her," Grey reached out and snaked his hand around mine encasing it in his warmth.
"I wish you could have met her too," I sighed and tilted my head back feeling free and light as if I could float up and join the stars.
"Thank you for telling me Cara," Grey whispered, he reached out and touched my cheek forcing me to look him in the eyes, "let us in Cara, let us be your friends, let us help you."
I stared back at him letting my face become flushed with the heat behind his eyes. I wanted to be friends with the boys more than anything else but I wanted to keep them safe more than anything else; the two just didn't seem compatible, I couldn't be friends with them and keep them safe. Could I?
Fuck it. I decided, I could choose my friends and no one in a different state would decide who I let into my life. I would just have to be careful of what I said and make sure I kept them as far from the truth as I could.
"Okay," I replied slowly, "friends."