RING! RING!! RING!!!
"Have a good recess everyone." Mr. Jang quickly dismissed all of us as soon as the bell rang. T
I slowly put all my notes and my stationaries into my bag, my mind is still in the haze of disturbance but I try to keep all those disturbing thoughts out of my head but I do need to point out the word tried in my words.
It does make sense for him to fall for anyone in this world but it just never occurred to me that he could fall for someone. The picture I saw... was something. It showed me that there's still a tiny, small, little spot of the feeling of redness with a small spark of softness of my affection towards Jimin. The affection... just like I thought when he held my hand, the spark I felt, it was a sign of something... and I am truly fucked because of it.
"I can't believe I like him." I sigh heavily.
"Like who?"
My shoulders jump at the voice. My panicked eyes quickly find the person behind me and my heart relaxes when my eyes meet with the same hazel brown eyes from before.
"No one," I say while continuing to organize my bag with all the book notes.
She seems to not be bothered by my ignorance since she happily skips around my table and plops her bottom onto the seat in front of me. She tilts her head curiously at the square little thing at the side of my pencil box, it is something that I held closer than anything in my heart. Without asking or even a little warning, she dared to hold it without permission.
The rudest behavior I have ever seen in my entire life!
I quickly snatch the item and glare at her. "Who are you again?" I rudely ask her.
She looks taken aback by my anger and it seems like my words awaken her conscious that this little item is something personal. It is more personal than I ever wanted it to be and if she knows who gave it to me, I could imagine the life I will have after that. Especially, after I found out that the boy who gave it to me was also the first love for every 15 other classmates of mine.
"Y/n."
The girl in front of me almost dropped her jaw to the floor when the love of her life casually walked towards me and sat close... and I mean it with my words when I said, he sat close to me.
Even my heart could not contain the joy I felt at the multiple eyes of envious of every girl in the room but as my eyes met her hazel brown eyes again, my heart dropped, cause I remembered the picture once again.
I look away from him and with a tight face, as usual, I choose to ignore him. I hang my bag perfectly at the side of the table and walk away from the classroom. It is unexpected since everyone would yearn for one simple conversation with him, especially the one that was started personally by Jimin, but unfortunately unlike them, I had a history with him.
A hurtful one-sided history.
"Y/n." His pleading voice calls my name. I stop for a moment and it gives him some confidence to run towards my side and hold a small pinch of my long sleeve's cuff. Asking indirectly for me to give him a chance for a conversation.
I know... I know myself too well. If I walk out this room together with him and listen to all the past lives he had to endure as a 10-year-old, I, myself know it too well that I would... I know! I do know that I will let my soft heart melt for him once again.
I... I don't want to. I don't want myself to be too soft with him. He ignored me when i needed him. If I had a phone for him to call me whenever he needed me, I would give it to him just like he did but instead of declining my calls, I would listen to him.
I would be there for him because I choose to be there for him.
Unlike him.
Remembering my anger once again, I realize that he is forbidden to stand even a centimeter close to me.
Snatching my hand from his small grip, I tightly smile at him with no emotions, I say, "I need to go to the toilet. Hazel eyes!" I called the only girl I knew in class and her eyes widened when I called for her.
"Yes?"
"Could you please show me the way to the toilet?" I ask her, while completely ignoring Jimin's pleading eyes from the side of my eye.
"Y/n, please. I didn't..."
"Could you please stop?" I cut his sentence with a simple replacement of, "Shut the fuck up."
"Umm..." Hazel girl slowly walks in between our intense gaze and I quickly take a deep breath of relief before grabbing her hand and forcing her out of the room. Maybe I'm just using her as an excuse? I think everyone knows that if she didn't disturb us, I would not be brave enough to walk out. Not with my desire, not with his eyes on me, not with that gaze...
The gaze of... sadness.
Pure sadness.
Pure... innocent.
My eyes sting at the rush of emotions I felt, what the hell am I even doing here? I don't want to be this weak. I need to stand up for myself. I need to stand up for past me, I can't simply forgive him just because I know that he is... innocent.
I really am...
"A bitch."
"Excuse me?"
Me and hazel eyes didn't go to the toilet, instead, I asked her to find me a place for me to cry. Help me find a place to let my emotions go. Let me at least be myself once again.
"Not you." I sigh heavily.
Looking up at the blue sky, I sadly smile at the choice I make. I could've just forgotten everything and chose to listen to Jimin and let myself for him once again. Maybe he could love me again, not as a lover but just as a friend.
It stings but it would be better than choosing to be his enemy.
Every choice I make has always been one-sided. Even when I choose to be his enemy, it is just a one-sided enemy. He would never let himself hate me. I know him. I really do know him...
I cry once again and Hazel eyes panic once again at my outburst.
"I don't know why but since I let you in my rooftop secret, you have to tell me this one thing." Hazel eyes use her shaky stern voice and with a wavering glare, she tries to be strong.
She looks to cute to be stern if I may be honest.
"What?" I ask with small hiccups coming after the outburst.
"You and him... Are you his girl...friend?" Her words fade out at the end. She hesitates to ask and I don't understand her words.
"What?" I confusedly ask her. Genuinely trying to understand her mumbling questions.
"Are you his girlfriend or not?!" She screams.
Scared me for a second but I answered her with a small no.
I am not his girlfriend, I am just his friend.
I could've just said it but I didn't. I choose once again, the wrong answer to my life.
"Then you're his ex." She didn't ask for confirmation, I could see that she already concluded her thoughts with me feeling alone because my supposedly ex-boyfriend is hot and has multiple girls lining up for him.
I am not his ex-girlfriend, I am just his friend.
Again, I could've cleared the thick air with a small no again, but I chose to zip my lips once again.
"Damn, I didn't think Jimin could have a pretty puking ex."
"The puking part... You could've just skipped that part." I roll my eyes.
She shrugs both of her shoulders up, leans her back to the rooftop floor, and lets the breeze play with her hair.
"What's wrong with that? It's just another chapter of your life. Even though it's embarrassing it's still you. Is it not?" She asked me and I couldn't disagree with her at all.
"You look cute and pretty and I subconsciously hope for you to be at least dumb," I noted out my thoughts perfectly towards the Hazel brown eyes girl confidently and it made her laugh. Loud.
With a very... very ugly laugh. Thankfully she has one bad side to her or I would think twice about my appearance in life.
"You're pretty and puky too and I too subconsciously hope that Jimin is not your ex."
"Why can't he be my ex?" Even though he is not my ex.
"Because it would be wrong for a friend to fall for her friend's ex." Simple as that she implies both of our relationship with a one-sided agreement, not from me, but from another person's lips.
"Friends? Who with whom?" I may be in my dilemma era, I couldn't understand the words she was spitting.
"Yes, friends. Me and you, us, we are friends." She exclaims happily. Her gummy smile shows up and her brunette long hair happily surrounds her in a circle as she wiggles on the floor while waiting for me to accept our friendship.
"You would leave your affections towards him... just because he is my ex?"
"Girls with girls. Boys are just another bus stop for me, there are more stops to go and I can just get on another bus to continue the search. It's easy. I'm easy. Life is easy." She smiled cutely at me and her honesty did not give me a good warm feeling I needed to feel for that moment.
Instead of a warm sunshine of orange, I only feel the hot uneasy black feeling of guilt in my heart.
My breathing fastens and I... ran away from the friendship.
Just like I am running away from all other relationships.
I... am afraid of new things.
-----------------------------------
As Hazel eyes watched confusedly at the long black hair of the new student vanish behind the exit door of the rooftop, she thought to herself.
What did she say that could make the girl panic?
Hazel eyes had once seen a person having a panic attack and the anxiety surrounding that person added it with a cloud of negative aura, the new student was having a panic attack.
As she was about to dash out the door to run after the new student, suddenly the door opened again, but instead of the person she needed to help showing up, a boy around her age walked out the door with a tight face.
"What are you doing here?" Hazel eyes roll her eyes at the sight of her little brother.
"My eyes were itching." He lazily answers before walking to the nearest bench that's hidden from the sun.
Hazel eyes scoff at the sight of her little brother taking out his contact lens, "You didn't have to change your eye color, you know?"
He looks up from his hand towards his sister, and with a smirk, he tilts his head slowly, "And tell everyone I'm related to you? Pass."
"Jungkook..."
"Jiyeon noona. I am not your brother in this territory. I am just Jungkook, a junior of yours. okay?"
"Jungkook." She sadly calls his name.
This is not the life we choose to pick. No one chose to live. It was a mere miracle of life.
Blame life for being a bitch.
___________________
-To Be Continue-
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