» I wish you'd know the difference. «
• • •
Finally, Philip thought, sighing devotedly as he leant against the tiles of the shower. Finally he'd have some time alone and for himself because Helen and Gabe went out to some restaurant and would be away for the rest of the evening and night to spend some time together for a change. As always, Gabe had suggested he'd come with them – to get to know eachother, as Helen would say – but he wasn't as oblivious as she thought he was for being just a teenager. He knew, Helen would rather be alone with her husband, so he declined. After all, he needed some privacy apart from his every single step being tracked 24/7, of which his foster mum didn't know that he knew about as well. But he didn't plan on sneaking out anywhere, not tonight.
He sighed softly and closed his eyes, enjoying the water pouring down his body, soothing and relieving him from all the stress and pressure from the past days. He desperately needed a break from life, and that was exactly what he was about to do – take a break. From all the things that were currently going on which was way too much for a teenager to handle all together; being in foster care because his mum was addicted to drugs and not being allowed to see her whatsoever, the new environment in a secluded and awfully quiet town where everyone knew everything about each other and including a whole new school where at he had no friends, partly because he deliberately avoided people as much as possible or they were avoiding him because they knew he was gay – idiots. But as chance would have it, he obviously had to fall for the worst of them who was causing him the most pain of all. He was familiar with being rejected; so much, it wasn't really a big deal anymore and didn't bother him as much as it used to before. However, being rejected by someone you considered at least some kind of friend – whereby he couldn't even tell if they were somewhere close to that – was something completely different. In public, he wasn't existent for him, was only his secret. How could he possibly be so stupid to agree on that? He smiled sadly. It couldn't be helped anyway, since he was a man of word. Trust was the only thing he could hold onto, so he wouldn't ever tell anyone about what happened in the cabin in the woods the other night. Not until he was ready. Then again, considering the current situation they were in, which you could call rather complicated, Philip doubted he ever would be; and he, therefore, wasn't sure if he was able to keep it that long because it was slowly but constantly eating him up inside – all this flip-flopping, wobbling back and forth over and over and over again. He needed a break from that. He was sick of being pushed around, literally and rhetorically – go away, come back; go away, come back; it needed to stop, he perfectly knew that. But what if he actually was obsessed with him like everybody already had started suggesting he was behind his back? He exhaled deeply, pushing himself off the wall as he turned off the shower.
Screw you, Lukas Waldenbeck, he thought lastly, as he towelled himself and wrapped another around his hip. Tousling his hair dry, Philip made his way from the bathroom to his bedroom, leaving the door all but closed, since no one was home to come in unexpected. While he rummaged in his closet and drawers for something comfortable to change into for the rest of the day, he went over the various options he had to pass his free time in his mind, finding that none of them were too exciting, but that was okay, since he meant to relax anyway; maybe just watching a decent movie or reading a comic or listening to music, letting his thoughts wander off, what though might lead him to continually thinking about some stupid crush he had – who's crystal blue eyes had that certain something; that something that would cast a wicked spell on him so that he couldn't take his eyes off him. Lips he could hardly resist looking at when he spoke, imagining to feel them all over his skin, the mere thought repeatedly sending pleasant shivers throughout his whole body and made him desperately longing to connect them with his own for just another quick peck, even if only for a split second . . . there, he was doing it again. Admiring the one boy who possibly would never admit his feelings to him much less anyone else – the exact same boy who was able to make him immediately stop dead in his tracks paralyzed when he practically out of nowhere stood in the door frame to his room, watching him intently as Philip had turned to his bed, still topless and therefore half naked since the shirt he intended to put on still was only stripped over his lower arms.
• • •
Infinite seconds passed by, with the two only looking at each other, until Philip noticed the light smirk Lukas' lips had curved into on seeing him topless, which eventually brought him back from his momentary trance and finally got him to say something. His lips were dry, so he quickly pursed them rather subconsciously before he spoke, giving him a puzzled look as to how and why he had suddenly appeared in his room, why he had come back again.
"Uhm, . . . hi, I guess?" he said uninflected, trying to cover up his rising nervousness, he couldn't do anything about as soon as he was around the blond, even if there was a good distance between them. His presence alone made him restless, but he couldn't let the other see what effect he had on him, he never would ever again, so he forced himself to avert his gaze and flop on his bed, crossing his legs and his arms behind his head. "Didn't expect to have visitors tonight," Philip continued, whereupon he only got silence in response, which is why he left out a soft sigh, closing his eyes for a second to compose himself before he chose to look at Lukas again who hadn't moved an inch from the spot where he stood but only had changed his position in as much as now he casually leant against the door frame with his left shoulder, as if waiting for something. Philip propped himself up on his elbows, huffing with a hint of annoyance.
"You should really start talking a bit more, y'know? Just sayin'; you just gonna stand there and stare? C'mere," Philip brought himself to invite Lukas in to sit beside him on the bed which obviously was the call he had been waiting for the whole time since only then he entered his room fully and did what he'd been asked to and sat next to him. Again, silence followed, which was awkward for a couple of seconds before Lukas spoke his first words for the ten minutes he had been standing still, which made Philip start subtly as his whole body had tensed up in order to pull himself together and not doing anything he'd possibly regret. But his soothing voice nearly echoing through the quiet made him relax and turn his head into Lukas direction, just to see him smiling at him ever so slightly as he spoke.
"I already told you," he began, locking his gaze with Philip to keep himself from staring at his parted lips, but instead got lost in his dark eyes which were almost as black as obsidian, only hinting at what the original colour of his dark brown iris was. "I don't talk because I simply don't know what to –... say," he chuckled nervously and gulped when he noticed how close their faces had come to one another in the twinkling of an eye, so that he could already feel the others breath, his words merely above a whisper as Philip couldn't help but glimpse at his lips from beneath lowered lids before he flicked back to his eyes.
"Then don't," he whispered, bridging what was left between them to connect their lips for a split-second in an unassertive kiss, peck rather, setting off a blaring alarm in his head. Philip instantly wanted to jerk back but was stopped from a hand in his neck which was pulling him back into a yearning kiss. They didn't move. Philip sat stiffed in their posture with his eyes squeezed shut and his stomach cramped in a desperate attempt to not kiss back. He couldn't; he shouldn't. His mind was scolding him already for his lack of willpower and resistance, but he couldn't do anything about it, he had to. No matter how much pain it would cause him, that moment of futile love and warmth he felt made it worth, was why he would allow him to come back over and over again, as many times as he wanted to; because his heart was so foolish to give away countless chances, still believing that what they had could become something more, something real while his mind already figured out there was nothing left to believe in, those small glimmers of hope blighted by insecurities and fear which wasn't even his fault in the first place but someone else's he loved too much to blame for it.
Lukas reluctantly let go as soon as he knew Philip wouldn't respond anymore and carefully placed his forehead against Philip's who had bowed his head, not able to look at the blond but chose to stare at his hands instead and tried to figure out what was the right thing to do. His mind knew it was wrong and fake, but his body and heart longed for love so badly he could barely hold his feelings in, no matter the consequences; he didn't give a damn about it anymore, kissing Lukas fiercely before he could say something in excuse. . .
• • •
When he was younger, Philip had solemnly sworn to himself he'd never do drugs or get addicted to anything, since he had seen what they could do to someone with his very own eyes. And now, here he was, lying underneath his personal personified addiction which was Lukas, craving his every so small touch and his lips on his own, entangled in one kiss after another, wincing when they had to part for air but sighing with pleasure when he would trail wet kisses down his neck to his collar bone where he left bite marks that made him moan shakily, soothing them with a soft caress of his tongue before he continued his way down his now again bare chest after they both got rid of them, carelessly tossing them on the floor, mumbling all those sweet things as he did. Philip was one single mess of emotions he couldn't get a hold on, but he didn't want to, anyway, letting all of those crush down upon him all at once. His mind was hazy, almost completely gone so that all that was left to guide him was his heart and if that was to happen, there was nothing left to hold him back from giving himself to Lukas. But luckily, by the time Lukas reached the hem of his jeans, it was still there, blinking faintly through his befogged thoughts.
"Lukas . . .," Philip breathed out heavily in an attempt to compose himself and clear his thoughts, propping himself up on his elbows, almost slipping up on the mussed bed sheets as he pulled away from the blond for what was only an inch and slowly bending one of his legs to create some distance between their bodies. He paused to catch his breath and only spoke when he was certain to state it clearly.
"I told you I'm not gonna be your little bitch," he said looking at him with a stern gaze, although with a trembling voice, trying to read any reaction of Lukas' facial expression, but he couldn't find anything until he smiled at him lightly, placing a peck on his knee before he bent over his leg, now hovering above him.
"Then don't," Lukas whispered into his ear, the breeze tickling ever so slightly and sending electrifying shivers down his spine at once. However, Philip couldn't help but think about that one scene from weeks ago.
"After you made me watch you and Rose -," he thinned his lips and closed his eyes to get the image out of his head but intensified it instead as it momentarily flashed up in his mind, He still couldn't believe he had agreed to something so stupid. But all he got in response was a sympathetic look that almost stirred him up again. He could sense the bittersweet taste of jealousy on his tongue already, ready to spit out some cold comment if it weren't for the confession Lukas made next Philip wouldn't have ever expected.
"We didn't do anything," he admitted, earning him an unbelievable look from Philip, for he himself had seen it. He followed Lukas' movements with his eyes as he rolled off him to his side, folding his hands behind his head, deliberately ignoring Philips quizzical stare when he looked up at the ceiling and a heavy sigh escaped his lips before he eventually explained.
"We- didn't do it," he repeated and huffed amused because Philip instantly asked why they didn't, although one might think he should be happy about it – which he definitely was – but still wondered nonetheless. Lukas couldn't help but blush faintly, uncomfortable about confessing his feelings.
"Because- because I couldn't- agh, damn it, because I like you, idiot!" he finally blurted out, hiding his face that burnt with embarrassment in his hands. He took a deep breath before he continued "All I could think about was you; and when I saw you watching us, I – what?!" the blond stopped when he heard and saw Philip giving a quiet laugh. He had to bite his lip to make himself stop and then just shrugged it off innocently.
"Sorry, not sorry?" he chuckled before he hesitantly leaned forward again, whereupon Lukas smirked, slightly shaking his head in disbelief but mirroring Philip's position so that they were face to face yet again. They stayed silent for a while, lost in each other's eyes as they looked at each other until Philip was the one to blink. He smiled nervously, unsure of what to do but obviously Lukas didn't feel any different since he asked the exact same question Philip would've intended to just a second later.
"So, what now?" he asked.
"I don't know . . ., " Philip responded, however unwittingly biting down on his bottom lip once more as his eyes flicked to the blond's lips. There couldn't possibly have been a broader hint which was why Lukas came closer until there was all but a mere inch between them.
"Kiss me," Philip breathed and Lukas immediately followed suit, hastily but gently cupping Philip's cheeks in reasonless fear he would pull back – because he didn't – and softly kissed him with all the affection and passion he had felt for his friend since that night in the cabin but had been afraid to show until now. He just had to know how he felt about him, although it wasn't as much as Philip deserved.
"I – I like you, Philip; a lot," he said breathlessly as they pulled apart for air, making him tuck up the corners of his lips into a compassionate smile, suppressing the rising doubt inside of him trying to tell him not to be fooled by those words; but somehow, and even if it was only wishful thinking of his longing heart yet again, he knew that this time he could trust them as he answered quietly, "I can work with that". He would take that chance, giving Lukas the space and time he needed, but for the time being, it was the best he could've wished for.
"May I stay for the night?"
"As long as you like."
~
{a/n: why do I feel like I'm always screwing up the end? *sighs* I might re-write that sometime . . . anyways, I hope you liked it at least a little bit. I'm still trying to get a hang of that pairing, to be honest . . . see ya! ~ Aurora. (word count: 2722 words)}