"He's dead."
The desperate woman kept repeating the same words like a mantra with every breath she managed through her sobs. The woman came running to the ER only to receive the awfully bad news that her husband and father of her one year old had been killed in a terrible car accident.
Being one of the most gentle ER doctors there was, Alice took it upon herself to comfort the grieving woman sitting beside her on the cold flooring and rubbed the woman's back with a soothing hand.
"He's dead, yes. But you're not. Your life is still yours, go live it. There's a reason why you're alive. You just have to figure it out. Go home, take care of your boy. That's what your husband would tell you."
"He's gone." The widow buried her head between her bent knees and broke into the weeping Alice got used to hear. Working at the hospital ever since she began her studies, Alice learned one of the most important lessons in life: not to ever get attached to someone or something because one day you might just lose it and lose part of you with it. Actually, she might have learnt that several years before, before she was even a teen and was still an innocent little girl. She could still recall the countless times when her father would strike her mother, when her father left them, when her mother got desperate raising two kids by herself and took the road to destruction till her death.
Now, looking at the fragile woman shaking with her agony, Alice took a breath in and reminded herself thoroughly she'd do anything to prevent herself from having her world split in two because of her attachment to a man. She'd dedicate her life to her work as a doctor.
After several minutes of persuading the woman to return home with her relatives, Alice returned back to doing the quick check-ups on her patients.
She was listening to a family recounting the memories they shared with the old grandmother trying to beat her dementia, when Amy, her colleague and only close friend, beckoned her with a slant of her head from the doorway. Alice understood the message. Break time. As usual, she got deeply consumed with work completely forgetting her own necessities.
"You know you have to eat or you'll be the one needing nursing." Amy told her while they walked down the sterile corridors. "Or were you going to skip lunch because it's your turn to pay?" Amy mocked friendlily.
"Absolutely. I'm starting to be frugal." The two friends laugh at the light banter. "Speaking of money. I'll go get my purse from the car. I was paged here urgently and left my bag in the car. I'll meet you at the front."
Alice split from Amy and hurried to the parking area, all the way racking her brain to remember where exactly she had parked her car. As the elevator to the parking floor opened, her car was right in front of her.
She unlocked her car and reaching in for her bag. She opened her purse and assured she did actually have money for lunch. Then, she checked her phone. Eight missed calls! Dear, her brother Ethan must have scored whatever business meeting he went to. Lately his business wasn't going so well so every news, little or big, meant too much.
She had just shut the car door when an incoming call caused her phone to vibrate. An instant smile formed at her lips.
"Hey there, brother. I smell some news coming my way, am I right?"
"Alice."
"Owen", she says with a grin of hearing his voice. Owen was her brother's biggest friend and partner in their game production business and she hadn't spoken to him in months. He was even more workaholic than she was. "Owen, please give me something. I'm dying to know how you're doing."
The receiver goes silent as if no one was on the line.
"Owen?"
"Alice."
His voice was broken. Dread filled into her. Why the long silence? And why is he using her brother's phone? Was he crying?
"Owen?"
"Ethan's dead. We had an accident."
Time stopped that second. Her world stopped spinning and felt like crumbling around her. The phone slipped from her numb fingers. The same fingers then covering her mouth as she gasped at the sudden realization of what she just heard. Her knees felt weak. She backed up to support with her car before she collapsed onto the ground. Overwhelming pain loomed over her. Her head began feeling heavy. Flooding tears in her eyes cascaded down her cheek, dripping off her jaw drop after drop. Her breath stolen away with every sob.
Her brother, the only family she had, was gone.
* * * *
Alice laid a red rose on the casket, kissed her fingertips and pressed them onto her beloved Ethan's photo.
This was it. The final goodbye. But still she couldn't believe Ethan was gone. Now who will call her to make sure that she was not overworking herself, that she was taking care of herself? Ethan was her brother and her friend, her father and mother. He was the one who release her from the hell of her home when he was merely seventeen, he who worked himself till late to earn money rent for both of them, he who helped her through her studies and who made sure she stepped into womanhood the right way. And he's gone. Who did she have left now?
A hand touched her forearm gently.
"You ready to leave?" came Owen's soft voice.
She could only nod. Yes, she was ready to leave. She had to stop filling her memory with these sad pictures and keep remembering the good times with her brother.
"Let's go" and he tugged on softly on her arm.
Alice turned to Owen and pushed his wheelchair thorough the people that came to farewell Ethan. Owen had been in the same car that claimed her brother's life. Luckily, he had only broken his leg badly and had several temporarily scars on his face and body. The doctors informed him he had fractured his leg in more than one place but will be on his both two feet again soon.
Once in the silence of the chauffeur driven Mercedes's, Alice kept swallowing the lumps in her throat. She refused to cry. She had to be the strong woman she always way. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have arrived where she was.
Owen watched her struggle to keep on her poised front. He could almost feel her pain even through his own. Ethan's agonized cries as he fought to breathe into his collapsing lung still echo in his ear. He wasn't able to help him because he was stuck himself.
He pressed his eyes tautly to dispel the memory of their car flipping endlessly off road after skidding past the broken tree branch obstructing their lane and focused back on Alice.
"Feeling good?"
Again she just nodded. Owen wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to him. He pecked her cheek tenderly.
"I'm sorry. If I haven't -"
"Stop. Please, Owen, stop. Don't put the blame on you. Don't do that", Alice pleaded.
"I was with him. Why did he have to die and I didn't? What have I done to deserve to live and he didn't?"
"Just stop. He's gone. You aren't. There's a reason why you're alive, you know. You just have to figure it out."
Those were the same words she repeated to every person at the hospital who lost someone. Owen calmed at her words. Because she was right. But Alice, she felt like fooling herself with her own words. She couldn't even begin to imagine her life without Ethan.
Owen tightened his embrace on Alice. His hand brushed on her hair. "Are you sure you want to go home?"
"Mhm." Alice nodded.
"Do you want to stop somewhere before? Coffee or anything?"
"I just want to go home." Alice whispered.
Owen knew that Alice's home would be a silent reminder of all that she had lost. She'd be alone there. "Why don't you come stay with me for a while?"
"No", she quickly replied shaking her head.
"At least for a few days."
"I can't."
Owen pulled back from the embrace enough for him to cup her face tenderly. "Why not?"
"I can't live with you, Owen." Alice couldn't live with the man who reminded her so much of her brother. And he was her brother's best friend. Yet he was a stranger. She couldn't live with him.
"Alice, I know you're a strong person but you can't pass through this alone", Owen voiced his concern.
Alice kissed his cheek and forced herself to put on her best schooled confident smile to affirm her next statement. "I'll manage by myself."
* * * * * * * *
Who was she kidding? She couldn't ever manage this alone.
The second she was dropped off at her humble apartment and shut the door, she began shedding every ounce of water in her through tears. How could she ever step into this place and not reminisce? This was the place she shared with Ethan till he moved out. This is the homeland of her past.
After minutes in trance, Alice took a hasty decision. She rummaged for a cardboard box and began putting away every single object that somehow related to Ethan and her family. Every photo, all the souvenirs, all the gifts.
She had to live her life. Just like she said. She needed to put aside the memories and move on.
Alice stopped midway of stowing away the only photograph she had of her with Ethan and her mother from the toddler years. As she looked sombrely at it, she realized one thing. She realized that whatever physical objects she removes from her life, she'll never figure life if she stays in that house, in that town, doing the same things she done every day, over and over.
And suddenly she knew exactly what she wanted to do.
She lowered the box on the ground and instead began packing her own clothes, her own stuff in suitcases. She must leave this place. She must leave her past behind and seek a future.
Today was a goodbye to Ethan and a hello to her new life.
* * * * * * * *