Darkness had now came down on me as I sat at a unknown park, the wind had now picked up and I was beginning to shiver. My arms were now in my jacket that was pulled tight around me. It may be absurd that I'm out here on my lonesome at this hour of the night, but I just wouldn't be able to sit in the same vehicle as my aunt right now I know that I'll be bound to say something that I'll regret.
The street lights illuminated down allowing me to scope my surroundings. At least I knew where I was and my way back home. My day would only get worse if I were to far from home.
The area began to grow quiet as everyone found other places to escape from the mild wind. My curly hair consumed all parts of my face blowing from every direction.
Rising from the wodden bench I tie my hair in a low ponytail before trenching the opposite direction. I opted on not going home quite yet, I needed some privacy, I needed to regain an open mind. With my hands stuffed deep into the pockets of my denim jacket, my charm bracelet caught my attention once again.
The sight of the perfectly designed wrist decoration immediately reminded me of Aven. I wish he was here to guide me through this hardship that was bestowed upon me. Its almost like he has absolutely no struggles. He displays his outside life like he has no worries or problems. He lives optimistically never letting life shorten him of any opportunity. I dream and yearn to live like that.
Instead, I live every day with cobwebs of thoughts being woven in my mind continuously. I'm paranoid. I'm nervous. I'm depressed. I feel alone and deep down inside covered up by fake emotions, I'm angry. Angry at the fact that I was left behind. Angry at the fact that I got wounded by two people who never really cared about me. Angry at the fact that I actually was naive enough to think that Le'Cray and Ximena would actually come back for me and love me with every pumping vessel in their body.
My anger towards them only took a little more of their destruction to my life to convert to hatred. I wanted nothing from them, but to come back and be loving parents to me and sadly they can't even fulfill that small little favor.
Despite me being angry and feeling a bit betrayed, it would be wrong of me to be angry at Milan. She came into this situation just as blind and confused as I was. She had no idea about me and I had no idea about her. Due to my aunts lacking the knowledge of being on one accord with one another, they caused us to be separated and unfamiliar with each other. Although, I would never get over the fact that Milan may have stood as my replacement to my parents, I still have to give her the benefit of the doubt. She is my sister and we are going through the exact situation. Even though the both of us may be processing the whole thing differently, I still want to be there for her. She's younger and probably never experienced sadness and confusion as I did before. She might be able to help me cope while I may be able to help her cope.
Over looking the fact that she is extremely disrespectful, her not being raised by our parents maybe the root to that. While I averted towards to quiet and standoffish route she probably averted towards the furious and disrespectful route. I feel like it's only right for me to get in contact with her again so that we'll both be able to clear the air and filter our thoughts.
Ridding away all thoughts of Milan, my aunt popped up in mind. My heart began to strain at the thought of her words that was said at the dinner. In all honestly when she fixated her lips to say that she was the one to persuade my parents into giving me up, I wanted so badly to react irrationally.
She of all people knows that I struggle with me not being in the supervison of my parents so she should have known this wasn't the time nor place to speak about this.
This whole time she has been telling me a lie. The story she told me prior to this dinner was, I was left in the system and she was able to find me before I could get adopted. She never mentioned the fact that she played a key role in this situation nor did she mention that my parents were unstable. From the knowledge I had of my parents, they seemed perfectly fine to me besides the fact they were totally inconsiderate of their daughters' emotions.
At this moment, I just feel like I'm being pushed into a tight coner just so everyone could catch a glimpse of my suffering. No one really cared about how I feel and how I think. I expect it from everyone else, but from April, thats just crazy. She gave me that last bit of hope that I will be able to realize that I had a mother figure in my life all along, but that hope has now scattered into small fragments of negative and pessimism. Hiding something so crucial and important from me just to spring it on me on my birthday is like you want to seem me miserable.
I feel as if I could never catch a break and I'm being pushed past my breaking point. How much more could I handle before I go mad?
Digging into my Betsy Johnson side bag I grasp my grip upon my wrist watch. I stare at the face of the old watch noticing that it was 8:32 PM. Being so upset with my aunt brushed away the thought that I'll be out here on my own, in the dark walking, this was definitely not safe.
Sighing at the time I stuff the time band back into the side bag before continue my walk.
Trenching through the littered streets I kept my eyes alert. Anything could happen in a spit of a second. Turning the corner I approach a quiet and clear street. Although I didn't live to far, I never actually stepped foot on this very street. The street lights shined bright serving as the light in a place full of darkness, something that I need. Continuing my rhythmic thud of slowly walking I scan the block. The houses that stood in mid height seemed fair. They weren't unkempt like many other houses, but they also weren't luxurious. They were just nice one story houses with small blotches of grass placed in front of them.
I continued walking observing kids work of art that was displayed on the sidewalk by various colors of chalk. I smiled sligtly at the crooked hearts, disformed smiley faces and tilted hopscotch lay outs. It was evident that these kids had a good time while they were out, lucky for them.
Drifting off in my thoughts, I decide to let my legs take me anywhere. I had no specific destination as of now. Taking multiple turns and short minutes of walking straight, I approach a loud block. Rap music thumpes from strong bass speakers while the scent of alcohol and cigarettes polluted the air. Loud talking and lauging could be overheard as random people enjoyed their time. Alongside the curb a diverse group of cars parallel parked behind each other if the couldn't slip into the drive way of the medium sized home that was hosting the party.
Old heads sat in chairs on the porch driveway or sidewalks immersing themselves in different conversation. Not trying to be a burden, I step off of the sidewalk going around them through the glass. I continued my walk earning a fair distance between them. As I kept on with my journey a screech of tires haulted me in fright. As my heart rate accelerated the car produce a long honk alerting me. Turning around I noticed the vehicle began to be surrounded by men and women all lining up near the driver seat window like kids at the ice cream truck.
As the person behind the dark tinted windows began to make exchanges with the men, they looked around before walking right back to their previous spot. Multiple men and women held handshake with each other all smiling afterwards.
I shook my head knowing exactly what was going on, drug transactions. It disappointed me how happy the people got after they recieved food for their inner demon.
I've always wondered why people did drugs. Was it because of the things they go through in their daily lives? Or was it because they just liked the numb high they recieved as the drug was slowly, but surely killing them.
It was all confusing to me. Why do illegal and health affecting substances when you have a world full of alternatives? People just never think of the future, hell- they barely think at all. Biting off more than they can chew causes them sulking in a deep stage of addiction willing to do anything for another sample of their favorite drug. It was saddening to actually witness a cold hearted person actually give them these substance instead of trying to help. That person is so caught up in the money making fast life that they don't even realize that they're the cause of many people dying or on the verge of dying.
I resumed to my walk dismissing everything I had noticed. After the vehicle made a few more illegal trades it drove slowly beside me with it's windows raised. My breathing reached in all time high as my hands grew moist with perspiration. Maybe it was a bad idea to take this walk alone without thinking cautiously. I picked up the pace of my walking giving the following vehicle quick glances.
I attempted to not make it obvious that I was drenched in fear, but it was extremely difficult. Fright was oozing out of me. Hearing the smooth automatic windows decline downwards I hear the familiar voice, "Get in."He ordered causing my head to snap in his direction.
"I think I'll pass."I mumbled continuing to walk as he kept his car in a neutral pace to match my speed.
"It wasn't no damn questions, you aint got no say in this, get yo ass in."He braked the vehicle triggering the wheels to hault in movement.
I stop, staring at him with an immense amount of glint in my eyes. I stood on the pavement with my arms folded my attitude exuding throughout my body language. "You always doin' this shit, just get ya' ass in."He huffed out of frustration with a bit more bass in my voice. With my tongue clicking my right cheeck I roll my eyes before reluctantly entering the car. "You ought to be happy that I'm savin' yo ass once again, should've just sped right past your hardheaded ass."He scoffs as he watched me get in the passenger seat where I sat with my arms folded.
"I don't ask for your damn rides Anthony."I hissed with my eyes slit. He acts as if I ask of him to give me a lift. In all circumstances that I've gotten a ride from him, he's always forced me into the car.
"Yeah, yeah."He scoffs. "And I don't be asking for your slick ass mouth. It seems like we both manage to get what we don't ask for." I roll my eyes at his response. What is it with this guy? Is he always going to be around in a vehicle ready to give me a ride? Why is God nestling him into my life? I know I shouldn't questions God, but I do have a lot of questions.
"It's clearly redundant to go back and forth with you."I roll my eyes adjusting myself so I'll have a better view out of the passenger window. Hopefully he'll take this as the end of our conversation and leave it at that.
I hear him scoff some air before extracting his keys out of the ignition. The soft purs of the engine had come to a silence. The only thing to be heard was the blasting of music from the outside of the vehicle. "You know what your damn problem is?"I hear Anthony question diminishing the silence that I was beginning to favor.
I turn my head with a feisty attitude. "No, but I would love for you to enlighten me by telling me my problem."I say snidely at him. I could never fathom a day where the two of us— well, he would act civil and we'll be able to have a respectful and tolerable conversation. He's either doing one of two things, jumping down my throat to do things or threatening me.
Truth be told, I honestly don't have a bad side, but when someone does things Anthony does it immediately creates my bad side. Every time the both of us encounter each other I always attempt to give him the benefit of the doubt hoping that each time he'll come corrected and respectful, but each time I get the opposite.
"Thats your fucking problem right there son. Yo' ass always saying shit out the side of yo' neck and you rude as hell for no fucking reason."He chastised me as if I was an open book and he read me from cover to cover. Who was he to give his opinion on how I act?
"That's where you're wrong. I speak to you like you speak to me. Just because many other people around you don't bark back doesn't mean I won't. You are acting like a complete female. Can you please just insert the key in the ignition and drive, I'm so over this conversation."I was not about to let him just run over me like I'm some mute that won't be able to say something. I'm not like the people who he surrounds himself with, I have a say in everything. He's not going to speak to me like he's my father.
It was evident that I had upset him by telling him the uncensored truth. There was no way I was about to let him win this battle. He has definitely met him match.
Turning his head towards me he shakes his head no. "Nah, but you can hop the fuck outta' my whip though."The nerve of this low mentality fuck!
I chuckle finding his infantile tantrum amusing. "You won't have to tell me twice. I was walking before so there won't be a difference."
"Yeah, whatever, you still in my whip though. Get the fuck out."He snapped impatiently.
"Watch who the hell you're talking to."I detach my seat belt pulling at the handle allowing me to step out onto the pavement.
He rolled his eyes. "Shut the fuck up and you better not slam my shit."Hearing that I sent a heavy force push towards the door causing it to slam shut. I promise if I had slammed it any harder the tinted windows would have shattered to pieces.
Letting my retaliation ease me , his anger had became an all time high. Seeing his door get pushed open I see his frame rush over to the passenger side of the car. With one swift motion his rugged masculine hand reached under my neck shoving my back towards the exterior of the car.
"You must be out of yo' damn mind!"He roared in my face causing apprehension to lace my body.
His eyes were dark hollow orbs allowing me to see the lack of insanity he had. Although he hadn't applied any pressure onto my neck, the strong grip he had on it was enough to fear anyone. His jawline flexed as his breathing hitched in fury and rage. "Oh so now you'on got shit to say! Where the fuck all'a that attitude and disrespect went?!"
"Get the hell off of me!"I gritted loudly pushing his torso away from me.
His hand left my neck allowing me to breath normally. Rubbing my hand alongside my neck I feel his hand print temporarily embedded onto my skin. In all of my 17 years of living, I never in my life experienced the feeling of a male aggressively putting his hands on me.
I collect myself before watching him get into his vehicle. "You fucking bitch."I heard him mumble as his foot inclined the gas causing the car to zoom off. I stood in the center of the block watching his car take a short hault at the end of the block. "You forgot yo' shit!"He shouted pitching my side bag out of the window. I watched as all my assets crashed down onto the hard cement.
I rush towards my fallen things that wasn't to far from me, gatheting them back into the bag. I thought Malcom was horrible, but clearly I don't know right from wrong. Anthony stood as the epitome of a low life unintelligent bastard that had no respect for anyone.
He expects me to bow down to his feet while he stands there and talks down to me. I think not. His disrespectful ass is just like Malcom. The both of them has nothing to say to me. No apology in this world would make me forgive him for putting his hands on me. Obviously his mother didn't teach him well at all because he clearly had no problem putting a hand on a female.
This day definitely has to go down in the books as the worst day ever.
More reasons piled on to abundance of others on why despise my life.
Happy damn birhday to me.
_______________
Okay.......thats that.
😂Yall the ones who wanted Jhenea and Anthony to spend more time with each other.
I gave yall exactly what yall wanted.
I love yall, hopefully yall still love me after this .😂😘