Quick Note: MERRY CHRISTMAS! Though it is Christmas Eve for me. I wanted to make sure you all got a treat as for some of you it already is Christmas. =) So hope you enjoy this chapter. Picture and Song to the right. I have used that Scorpions song before but it works for so many different situations and well I love the song. Enjoy! Hope you all got what you wanted this Christmas! Also I added my author page into the external link as well in case any of you all want to check that out though it is pretty basic right now =) Love you all!!!
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“If I said it’s not what you think, would you believe me?” Evan’s voice came out even, though I could sense the turmoil underneath. It made me ache.
“Should I? Is this what you didn’t want me to see?” I answered with a question.
Betrayal felt too strong of a word. Disappointment suited the situation better. I’m not at all surprised he knows Dr. Mayweather on a personal level. It was a possibility since he did take over for her patients.
“You worked with Joanne…Dr. Mayweather on a lot of tough subjects Sonja. I didn’t…didn’t want your opinion of her to be ruined,” he said cautiously. “Sometimes that can destroy the work a patient has done in therapy…”
“My opinion of her? What about you? To see you in these photos…with her...like this…” I glanced down at the two of them in the photo, drinking, smiling, and laughing at what looked like a party.
“No,” he raised his voice. I stared wide-eyed at him while he collected himself. “No, I was never with that woman, not the way you are thinking,” he said it with such disdain in his voice. He shook his head slowly and his eyes looked watery.
“Then what is this?”
“She’s Kyle’s ex-wife,” he blurted out.
I clutched at my chest. Kyle always spoke so bitterly about his wife.
“We all met in college, became fast friends. I had a girlfriend at the time. It happened fast for Joanne and Kyle. They got married just before graduation. We started a practice where I was a therapist with Joanne, in the city,” Evan looked up at me as if checking to make sure I am still here.
There is nothing I could think of to say as I listened so he continued.
“Joanne was always a controlling person; she called the shots for the most part. Most if it was just that is who she is. Kyle adored her so usually he dragged me along with him at her beck and call. After college my girlfriend and I broke up and I haven’t dated much since. A few years later everything started to happen at once. The incident I had with my patient, it coincided with Kyle walking in on Joanne sleeping with a patient, I didn’t know it at the time,” he took a deep breath before continuing.
“The practice fell apart over their divorce. It was very bitter and I had to deal with my situation. All this happened over two or three years ago so it is fresh for Kyle. Joanne is very bitter and still tries to control him sometimes through me because of what happened with my patient."
"Kyle recommended me to her when she had the accident so I could start up again and we could get out from under her control starting our own business. She has no say in that since it was started after the divorce. I am not happy he recommended me to her, it gave her more fuel for the fire, but it’s worked out and…it led me to you,” Evan finished in a solemn tone.
I could tell he didn’t like having to tell me this, but not because he thought I would judge him, but judge Dr. Mayweather. Still…
“You could have told me,” I said.
Just because Dr. Mayweather is an awful person in her personal affairs doesn’t change the fact she helped me. Evan should have trusted me, had more confidence in my recovery. I thought he did. Of course, I didn’t like her much anymore after hearing that, but I didn’t have to see her the way they did if at all ever again.
“You could have and should have told me,” I snapped the photo album shut and put it back in his bookcase.
“I don’t understand why this is still so upsetting to you?” Evan spoke obviously attempting to keep his voice steady.
I threw my hands up in the air and let them slap back down against my side.
“Because you’re stilling thinking like a therapist with me,” I paced and sat down on his couch. “You get to know all my secrets before we ever met and you think it’s okay to pick and choose what you tell me, that’s not a relationship that’s…therapy.”
“No I’m not, that’s not why I didn’t…”
“You tell me some things and leave out others, as if you think I couldn’t handle it. You don’t have a romantic past with her, yet you were afraid to tell me,” I heard him mumble about it’s not his story to tell, but I was on a roll. “That’s clinical thinking; we aren’t in a clinical relationship anymore. If I’m your girlfriend you treat me like one not a patient anymore,” I rambled speaking so fast as my emotions rose to the surface.
I could see Evan grinding his teeth as his jaw flexed back and forth. He blinked and held his head in his hands. “What do you want me to say?” he spoke low and controlled.
The tears began to well up. It wasn't about how he kept it from me. It is the fact he still thought he needed to, that I might be fragile about my recovery, that I am still a patient to him. He didn’t know how not to.
“I want you…need you to be Evan with me now, not Dr. Jacobs,” I stood up and reached for my coat and purse. I needed the man I love not the Doctor.
“Where are you going?” he asked alarmed at my abrupt movement.
“Home.”
“No…no, please stay Sonja,” he stood up and came over to me.
I am hurt that he felt he could only tell me what he thought I could handle. It is insulting. He sniffled and reached up to caress my cheek, hesitating if I’d even let him.
“I can’t lose you,” he whispered.
I closed my eyes. “Then you better figure out how to be Evan with me and not my therapist, you said yourself, I am not your patient anymore.”
It made my chest cave in to stand my ground as we stood there in turmoil together. All the wrenches in our relationship and the one we put on ourselves about each other hurts the most.
I thought, am I wrong in being so upset? Am I being too hard on him? I’ve been honest with him. He may not have meant to act like a therapist all the time, but he is with certain things with me and I just can’t have that. It feels like pity rather than love. Is it love he feels for me?
“Please Sonja I’m not your therapist anymore, I don’t mean to hold things from you, please stay so I can prove to you.”
“Why? What reason can you give me that is good enough?”
His lip trembled as he looked me hard in the eye for a long time. I wanted to hear him say it. See just how much he really cares, if he cares at all. Tell me that this isn’t just some exciting pity fling. Should I tell him? No I can’t, not here, not like this, I am not ready. All we do is stare at each other. I can see the pain and fear in his expression, but he doesn’t say anything.
“Good night Evan,” I said as my lip quivered and it is harder than I thought to walk away and put some space between us.
Once outside in the cool air, I let the tears fall and gasped for breath as I walked to my car. I wasn’t sure how safe it would be to drive home in this emotional state, but I managed to.
In the back of my mind I am relieved that he had not been romantically involved with Dr. Mayweather. It didn’t abate the fact that he still thought as a therapist outside of his work. Still analyzing my reactions to things as a therapist rather than a boyfriend or lover.
Absently, I filled a glass of wine and retreated to my bedroom. I smelled like him. I realized I still wore his clothes and had left mine at his apartment. The tears came again as I gulped the whole glass of wine down.
My phone rang with Evan on the caller ID. I ignored the call. Two minutes later it lit up again. I turned the damn thing off and cried myself to sleep.
*
*
The rest of my week off from work, I avoided going down to the new building. I spoke with Vera on the phone and we met at the stores we shopped at for the décor and furnishings.
I put on my professional façade and did a good job at keeping my bleeding heart hidden. It didn’t help that Evan was constantly on my mind. The anger about his clinical way of seeing people bothered me, the ache that I felt like a cheese grater constantly scraping against my chest made it hard to breathe. The fact that I ached to see him and hold him against me battled with my pride.
He called and texted a few times during the day. I ignored them all. If I needed to speak about the account I talked to Kyle. I didn’t want to deal with this just yet. On Friday Kyle got bold with me. He had not mentioned anything all week about Evan or me. I wasn’t even sure if Kyle knew we were in a relationship, but I was about to find out.
“Sonja he’s hurting,” he said interrupting my monotone about some furniture on the phone.
“Excuse me?” I said my voice cracked a little.
“I know, have known about you and Evan and now this fight, he’s hurting Sonja, he needs you. This is my fault if anyone’s; don’t blame him for protecting me and your recovery in therapy.”
I stood there shocked that he knew so much and was bold enough to speak to me about it. I lifted a finger to Vera that I needed a private minute and walked off.
“I didn’t realize he told you about us.”
“He didn’t, I figured it out then he told me. That’s the thing about Evan he doesn’t give out information that isn’t necessary,” if that wasn’t a hint at Evan’s way of doing things, I don’t know what would be.
“Why didn’t he tell me? Why does it feel like he is treating what he does or does not tell me like a therapy session that’s why I am upset,” I blurted out, surprised by my own honesty with Kyle.
“It wasn’t his story to tell,” I recalled Evan had mumbled something like that. “I’m sorry you found out the way you did, but I should have let you know myself right after I figured out you and Evan were together. I was more worried about his career than seeing just how happy he is with you.”
I bit my lip before it could start to tremble and my eyes stung with fresh salty tears.
“I don’t think we should talk about this anymore,” I spoke as clearly as I could, but knew my voice shook.
“Of course, and I am sorry,” Kyle conceded. He changed the subject back to our work. I sighed in relief. What am I going to do?
*
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“It’s good to have you back, these two weeks without you here were boring,” Stacy exclaimed at the first moment she got to come see me on Monday.
“You know I am actually relieved to be back.” There is more than one reason as to why, but I hadn’t told anyone about the fight with Evan.
“It’s been so quiet, Eddie rarely has come out of his office. Of course everyone has been wondering where he got the bruised jaw from,” Stacy said furrowing her brow thinking as she leaned back in my desk chair. “Funny he put you on admin leave though, only to go on Christmas vacation on the twenty first,” she giggled. I forgot about that.
Automatically, I smiled as I put my files back in their place in my desk and office and immediately it turned upside down with thoughts of Evan. I missed him so much and had missed out on our time together because of my stubbornness and pride.
“What’s wrong?” Stacy asked noticing the changes on my face.
“It’s nothing,” I said.
“Doesn’t look like nothing,” she turned me around to look at her. “Did you and Evan have a fight?” she summed me up real quick with a look of surprise on her face. I didn’t answer her right away.
“Talk to me Sonja.”
“I don’t want to talk about it Stacy,” I said a little too harshly.
She frowned at me and stood up. “Well I’m here if you need to.”
“I just want to get back to work, for now please.”
Sure,” she smiled at me, lingering for a moment as I sat down at my desk before she left.
Taking a deep breath, I got to work hoping it would distract my mind just a little. Getting anything done today became difficult. The noise in the background from the outer office I have been without for two weeks distracted me. I had gotten comfortable at home with the quiet and only the sound of my dog snorting…or Evan’s deep voice in my head…wanting to feel his arms around me in bed at night as we fell asleep…
I shook my head forcing myself to get back to work. I glanced out my office window to see Eddie at the opposite end of the building clearly watching me. His expression I couldn’t read from this distance, but it looked determined.
I knew he would be coming to speak to me. I wasn’t sure if he knew Evan would tell me what happened between them. And Eddie did not disappoint. Near the end of the day he knocked on my office door.
“Come in,” I called. I really didn’t want to have this conversation, but it is unavoidable.
“Welcome back Sonja,” he said.
“Odd coming from you,” I didn’t look up just continued working. Eddie sighed, shutting my door and sat down in the chair across from my desk and observed me.
“Here,” he pushed an envelope across my desk.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Your pay check from the admin leave.”
“Oh,” I snatched it up defiantly and dropped it in my purse without looking at it. I glanced at Eddie and the look on his face held my gaze.
“What happened to your face?” I couldn’t resist asking.
“I think you already know,” the smirk that he made is only slight and held a hint of sadness.
“Touché,” I replied.
“Sonja I was wrong to do that to you, put you on admin leave, I’m sorry…” he chuckles. “Seems like I’m apologizing to you a lot lately.”
"Well you have a lot to apologize for,” I snapped back flippantly.
“Touché.”
I scoffed with an angry smile on my face and kept working. Eddie didn’t get up to leave and I didn’t bother asking him to. He knew when I was done talking to him and sat there letting his thoughts run in circles trying to think of something else to say.
My phone buzzed on my desk with Evan calling me. Dammit. I didn’t want Eddie to see that anything is wrong, but he clearly saw the name on my phone before I hit the ignore button.
“Something wrong?” he asked, surprised that I would ignore the call.
“It’s none of your business,” I said in a low voice, trying to mask my pride and longing and doing a horrible job of it.
“You didn’t fight with him over this did you?” he exclaimed pointing at his jaw, the bruise was almost diminished by now but still noticeable.
I sighed exasperated. “No we didn’t fight over that, not worth my energy.”
Eddie’s jaw flexed at my insult. “But you did fight.”
I bit my lip. My silence gave him the answer he looked for more than saying anything would. Eddie stood up and ran his hands through his hair.
“You can be a god awful stubborn woman Sonja.”
I blinked. “Excuse me?”
“And selfish, believe me I know selfish. I have been with you,” he turned to glare at me. “What did he do? Did he try to force his will on you while drunk? Did he forget to mention he was sleeping with a co-worker while pursuing you?”
My mouth fell open slightly at what he is saying. Where is this coming from?
“I do know you just as well as Stacy and consider myself a friend. I suppose he didn’t do any of those things. No, I did them, I made that mistake. I lost, I lost you and I hate losing. Believe it or not I do care about you, always have and this Evan guy clearly does care about you too. Only he would never hurt you or do something stupid without a very good reason. From the way your staring at me right now I can tell he didn’t do anything major and you…clearly care about him a great deal,” the last part he said slower.
“Don’t be stupid like me, don’t let pride and selfishness take over and ruin something that obviously makes you happy…and the happiest I have ever seen you be,” he smiled fondly.
I just stared gaping at him as he stared back. He adjusted his tie and took a breath before leaving my office, not waiting for me to respond.
Speechless, I stared after him. That is not what I expected from him or for him to say…ever. Certainly not about me or Evan. He pretty much stood up for him. I had no idea that Eddie really ever paid that much attention to who I am rather than what he wanted from me.
And he is right.
I am putting Evan in the dog house for not telling me something that had nothing to do directly with him or us. So what, he went to college with Dr. Mayweather. The whole time he was just supporting his friend from what he said. Would I not have done the same for Stacy? Would I feel like it’s not my place to say something about her and Kenneth if they separated and were in a similar situation? I found myself reasoning the same way Evan did as I thought about that scenario.
I have to go to him. I have to apologize. He didn’t hurt me or done anything that deserved this treatment. It astonished me that Eddie is the one that got me to realize it. Evan is a therapist, that’s a part of who he is. He accepted me knowing all my secrets up front. I am being callous because of my own fears that he might just be with me for the fun of it. If Eddie could see it…
I glanced at the time. Evan wouldn’t be home for another three hours. It gave me some time to come up with an apology. I dived back into my work hoping the rest of the day would go by quickly.
*
Evan’s POV
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I wanted her back. Without hearing her voice or touching her skin this week has been hell. I have barely eaten or slept.
Did I treat her like a patient still? Was not telling her a bad idea? Yes it was and I did sometimes. I had talked to Kyle about it and he and I were going to tell her after the holiday. Her damn pride messed that up and now she thought I had lied to her, that I think she is fragile. My feelings and thoughts about her were far from that.
I didn’t know how to approach the subject. I have never been in a relationship like this before. I did tend to think too clinically outside of my work. There is no way around it sometimes.
Every time she has ignored a call or didn’t respond to a text, it felt like a hot needle stabbing at my heart. I didn’t even know if we were over. It couldn’t be. I loved her too damn much.
I stared at the tickets on my desk. I had bought them before all this happened. They were non-refundable and for the Christmas holiday I had planned with her. It was supposed to be a surprise. I planned to tell her just how much she means to me on this little trip…
Everything was in place otherwise. Our building is done and inspections approved. The interior would be started this week and the next. The website would be done once she got the photos after the completed furnishing. Kyle is working on building a client base already. It could be ready to open in the New Year.
The only thing I really wanted is my Sonja. I wanted her back. Now. With me, in my arms. I wanted her to understand why I didn’t tell her and that I would have the first time she asked me about the album. I wanted to make sure Kyle knew I had to tell her first, he ended up wanting to be the one to do so.
He felt responsible seeing how upset I have been this week over how she found out. If I had hidden the album like I originally planned she just would have been more suspicious. I knew it had to do with her fear of relationships and how ours started. If she knew how I felt this probably could have been avoided.
“Dr. Jacobs?”
I looked up at my patient, the last one of the day. “I’m sorry, continue.”
“It’s okay you just look…sad.”
I stared at Frances who smiled sheepishly. “I apologize; I suppose I am a little.”
“No problem our time is up anyway I just wanted to say thank you,” the elderly divorcee stood up to shake my hand.
“Don’t forget to reschedule for next week.”
“I won’t and you mentioned you will be out over Christmas?”
“Yes around the twenty first until the new year. Then I’ll be here only two days a week wrapping up the rest of my patients. Most have completed or gone to different long term therapists.”
“Ah yes you are only here temporarily…good luck.”
“Thank you and you too,” I smiled though I’m sure it didn’t really look pleasant. I watched her leave my office and sat back down in my chair. This has been one of the longest days of my life.
Sonja I knew would be back at work today and dealing with whatever Eddie might have planned. That worried me plus the fact she hasn’t talked to me for a week. It grated on my nerves, making me even that much more aware of my irritation and sadness.
At least now I could go home and earlier than usual since I had less and less clients to see. I quickly finished all my paperwork and scooped up the tickets putting them safely in my shoulder bag and locked up my office. I still hoped she would accept my invitation, if she would just speak with me.
Even the staff here could tell something is wrong. Quietly they spoke their evening good byes, I just grunted a quick reply. Forcing myself on my way home to pick up some dinner I grabbed a six pack of beer too. Maybe it would distract my mind.
Arriving home, I changed into some sweats not bothering with a shirt. As I did every night since Thanksgiving, I glanced at the clothes she had left. I had neatly draped them over my bedroom chair that night after she didn't answer my phone calls. Standing in front of the chair, I fisted my hand in the shirt and brought it up to my face. Inhaling her scent that still lingered on them, I tried to steady the hammering of my heart. God I missed her.
I barely tasted the food as I ate and drank a few beers to wash it down. Checking my phone there is still nothing from her. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I opened another beer. Not being with her or talking to her is eating me alive.
Settling myself in for another lonely night waiting for her to call, I turned on the TV to a random show. I didn’t want to push her too hard. I wanted to call her and get her to speak to me all the time, but I controlled myself to one phone call or text a day hoping she would answer. I wiped at my eyes cursing the liquid that sprung up blurring my vision.
I had almost finished the six pack and nodding off when my doorbell rang. I grimaced hoping it wasn’t Kyle coming to check on me again. Beer in hand, I dragged my feet to the door.
Surprise at who stood on the other side froze me in place. My heart began to pound again as I waited with bated breath for her to speak. Even though she looked tired and sad she is still beautiful.
“Hi,” Sonja spoke quietly. I could see she is just as miserable as I have been.
“Hi,” I repeated her greeting.
“Someone said something to me at work today that got me thinking. I’m so sorry for acting and responding the way I did it was selfish of me and I…I don’t want to lose you either,” she said and her bottom lip trembled.
My heart leapt for joy as I sat the beer down absently on the table just inside my door. I couldn’t speak just yet as I am just relieved to hear her voice, see her standing there, still with me.
“I know being a therapist is a part of who you are and I shouldn’t have accused you of treating me otherwise…it wasn’t even your story to tell…”
“Sonja…” I murmured interrupting her.
“What?”
“Shut up.”
I reached for her arm and pulled her swiftly and tightly to me. Elated to feel her against me again, I took her soft lips with mine, shutting the door behind her.