"I thought he loved me."
"Oh, but didn't he?"
"Apparently not. If he did then he wouldn't have left."
"But that's the thing; everything changes. Even the butterfly was once a caterpillar. He may not love you now, but he did once."
"I thought you were supposed to help me."
"You'll see how I am one day. Just like the caterpillar you'll grow stronger and emerge a beautiful butterfly."
"I don't want to be a fucking butterfly. I just want my best friend back."
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"Have you ever done drugs?"
Asahi scoffed.
"Do you even know who you're talking to?"
"Well excuse me for being curious." Yuu sassed.
"Alright Noya, take your sass and put it in your pocket." Asahi said. "No, I've never done drugs."
"Do you ever want to?"
"I don't even like to take cold medicine."
"Oh yeah."
"Why do you ask? Have you done them? Do you want to?"
"I smoked with Ryu once."
"When was this?"
"The summer before freshman year of college."
"Did you enjoy it?"
"It was okay, not really worth all the hype."
"Would you ever do it again?"
"Probably not."
"Okay."
"Why?"
"Drugs change people."
"I know."
"Good."
The pair grew silent before Yuu finally spoke up again.
"Asahi?"
"Yeah?"
"I think..." he paused. "That I... maybe..."
Asahi rolled onto his side to face Yuu. He placed his large hand on the smaller boy's hip, making him shift his gaze up to meet Asahi's.
"What is it, Noya? You know you can tell me anything."
"I..."
He stopped again and sighed softly.
"Love you."
"I know." Asahi smiled, leaning in to press a soft kiss to Yuu's lips. "I love you too."
Yuu felt bad for lying to Asahi, but he couldn't tell him what was actually going on. He was terrified that if he did then he would lose him and currently Asahi was the only thing keeping him together. He didn't want to even think about what would happen if Asahi decided he couldn't handle all of his problems and left. Yuu didn't have anyone else. He may have plenty of friends, but none of them ever helped him quite like Asahi did; not even Sugawara. Maybe it was his gentle voice, maybe it was their deep conversations, or maybe it was the sex that made him forget about everything, he wasn't sure, he just knew Asahi always managed to fix things, but lately none of that was working and that scared Yuu more than anything.
"Nishinoya?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"You have this distant look in your eyes and it worries me."
"I'm fine."
"You would tell me if you weren't though, right?"
"Yeah."
"Promise?"
Yuu paused before swallowing hard and nodding.
"Promise."
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"You've been acting different lately."
"Sorry."
"I didn't say it was bad."
"Oh."
To say Asahi was worried was an understatement. Yuu had seemed far off lately and at times Asahi would touch his arm and he would nearly jump out of his skin. He didn't understand what was going on and every time he asked Yuu would redirect the conversation somewhere else.
"I'm tired."
"Go to bed then."
"I can't sleep."
"Why not?"
Yuu paused, trying to come up with any excuse as to why he couldn't sleep. Any reason to prevent from telling Asahi the truth.
"It's too early." He said. "If I sleep now then I won't be able to sleep tonight."
He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep at night anyways, but he didn't want Asahi to find out that he had insomnia. Every night he was kept awake by all the thoughts running through his head. On the rare occasions that he did fall asleep he was awoken twenty minutes later by the anxiety coursing through his chest and making it hard to breathe. Yuu couldn't remember the last night he actually slept.
"So I'll stay up with you."
"You have to go to work tomorrow."
"I'll still go. I can deal with it."
"I can't let you do that."
Asahi sighed softly. He knew better than to argue with Yuu.
"Okay."
"I think I'm going to hang out with Ryu tomorrow."
"That sounds nice."
"Then we can go out for dinner. Maybe. If you want."
Asahi nodded.
"I would love that." He smiled. "It's been a while since we went out to dinner."
"Yeah."
Asahi reached for Yuu's hand and he jerked it away, pulling his sleeves down further over his hands.
"Noya?"
"Sorry..." he said quietly, avoiding Asahi's gaze. "I just... freaked out for a second. I'm okay. Sorry."
He slowly slipped his hand into Asahi's, doing his best to keep his sweater sleeve over his arm. He couldn't let Asahi see. He wouldn't let Asahi see.
"I love you." he croaked.
Asahi gave Yuu's hand a soft squeeze and smiled.
"I love you too." He replied.
Yuu relaxed a little bit. He knew that as long as Asahi said "I love you" back then everything would be okay. He would still stay with him and love him and he wouldn't think anything less of him for his depression or insomnia or anxiety or anything else that came up. Though, Yuu was still terrified that one day Asahi wouldn't say it back and he would be left all alone again. And unfortunately for Nishinoya Yuu, being alone was his least favorite thing to be.
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"Noya?"
No answer.
"Nishinoya?"
No answer.
"Yuu?"
No answer.
Asahi was getting fed up. Nishinoya had been acting even weirder lately and he was more distant than he had ever been before. Asahi was lucky if he could get even three words out of him in three hours.
"Nishinoya Yuu!" Asahi cried, shoving him slightly.
Yuu snapped out of his trance, his head jerking towards the man sitting next to him.
"What?"
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Nothing." He said. "I'm just tired."
"Don't give me that bullshit. Do you think I'm that stupid? I know something is wrong! Usually you never shut up but now you hardly say a word to me."
"I love you."
"I know."
Yuu looked down, his chest tightening. He had hoped that would work. He had hoped that he could remind Asahi that he loved him and he would say it back and then they could move on and Yuu wouldn't have to explain anything. He didn't want Asahi to know what was wrong. He didn't want anyone to know what was wrong.
"Tell me what's wrong."
"I don't really wanna talk about it."
"Yuu."
"I don't really wanna talk about it."
"Fine."
Asahi stood up and Yuu kept his eyes glued to the ground, too terrified to look up and meet the other man's eyes.
"I think we should break up."
Yuu was silent so Asahi spoke again.
"We're not the same people we used to be. I tried to ignore the fact that you were changing, but it just got worse and I can't take it anymore. I need someone to be able to put just as much into the relationship as I am. I'm sorry."
Asahi walked out, leaving Yuu alone. When the door shut he finally looked up, staring straight at it. Tears ran down his face, blurring his vision. His worst fear had come true and as despite being so numb lately, he just felt pain now.
"I'm sorry..." he said quietly.
Yuu decided then that as much as he hated feeling numb, he would take that over pain any day.
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"I don't really wanna talk about it."
"Noya."
"I don't really wanna talk about it."
"Noya."
"I don't really wanna talk about it."
"Nishinoya, you have to!"
"No."
"Yuu."
"No."
"Yuu."
"No."
"Yuu."
"Shut the fuck up, Ryu, I don't even care anymore."
"If you don't care then why are you about to call him?"
Yuu looked down at his phone, seeing that Ryu was right. He quickly locked his phone and shoved it into his pocket.
"I was deleting him."
"Right."
"I was."
"Whatever you say, Noya."
"Shut up." He snapped. "I just want to get high and forget."
Ryu shrugged and held the lighter out to Yuu. He took it and lit his blunt and started to smoke. He still hated the taste and the smell and everything else about it, but right now anything was better than the pain he felt from losing Asahi.
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He pressed his lips against Yuu's roughly. He knew it was a bad idea, but he hadn't had sex in a month and it was always hard to say no to him. Yuu wrapped his thin arms around his neck and pulled him closer, moaning against his lips. Their minds were clouded with lust and neither of them really cared about it being a bad idea.
"Fuck me." Yuu said.
He nodded and sat up, pushing Yuu down on the bed. He started to undress, watching as Yuu did the same before reaching over and grabbing the lube from the nightstand drawer where they always kept it. He squeezed some onto his fingers before pushing two of them into Yuu. He moaned loudly, his small hands grabbing the sheets and gripping them tightly. Once Yuu was stretched, he pulled his fingers out and coated himself, not even bothering to warn Yuu before pushing in and starting to thrust.
"Fuck!" Yuu yelled.
He moved hard and fast, a chorus of moans filling the room. It was messy and lustful and it had to be short because before they knew it they were both moaning and cumming and then he pulled out and laid down next to Yuu.
"That was nice."
"Yeah."
But soon the realization of what happened started to settle in and Yuu's heart began to grow heavy again. He frowned and rolled over, his back facing Asahi. He curled up, tears rolling down his face. He knew this wouldn't change anything. He was still fucked up and Asahi had still left and he still didn't love him anymore. Nothing was changing. Yuu was still alone and he was certain that's all he would ever be.
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"Last night was a mistake." Asahi said. "I shouldn't have come."
Yuu stayed quiet, letting Asahi talk. He knew it was his fault; he was the one that had called and begged him to come over.
"You may have fooled me once, but I guess this time I fooled myself. I came because I hoped you had changed back into who you used to be."
"I'm sorry."
"It's been a while since I saw inside your head. You were always scared of what would happen if you lost yourself, but I think you got so caught up in the fear that you did."
"I don't really wanna talk about it."
"I don't know you like I used to."
"I don't really wanna talk about it."
"I know."
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"I still love you."
"I know."
Asahi sighed softly.
"I'm going to go. Goodbye, Yuu."
Yuu watched as Asahi stood up and walked away, leaving him alone yet again. He sat in his bed, tears running down his face again. He sobbed loudly, his breathing jagged and his chest in so much pain that for a moment he thought he was having a heart attack. It wasn't his fault that he was sick. He knew he should have gotten help, but he was scared. He didn't want to talk about it to anyone. Then it hit him, that maybe, that's where it all went wrong.
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"Maybe he'll come back one day."
"And if he doesn't?"
"Then it wasn't meant to be."
"I'm not me without him."
"Did you every think that maybe you weren't you with him? Maybe that's why all of this happened."
"No. I loved him."
"Loved is the key word."
"I still love him."
"Maybe that's the problem."
"I thought he loved me."
"Oh, but didn't he?"
"Apparently not. If he did then he wouldn't have left."
"But that's the thing; everything changes. Even the butterfly was once a caterpillar. He may not love you now, but he did once."
"I thought you were supposed to help me."
"You'll see how I am one day. Just like the caterpillar you'll grow stronger and emerge a beautiful butterfly."
"I don't want to be a fucking butterfly. I just want my best friend back."
Yuu got up and walked out. He had been going to therapy for two months now in hopes that he would get better, but none of it had helped. She only made him feel worse, like this whole situation was his fault. He hadn't spoken to Asahi since he walked out the day after they had sex almost three months ago. He regretted not talking about it. If he had then maybe Asahi would still be here and they would still be together and he wouldn't feel like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Alone was Yuu's least favorite thing to be, but he was beginning to wonder if that's how he was meant to be all along.