Reminder: A person is only ever gone when we choose to forget about them. Physically there or not, they still impact our lives. Take your idol for example. You make twitter accounts for them, stay updated on interviews and do all that fun stuff but where are they? Not next to you, not across the street. Halfway across the world, most of the time, but that never stops us from giving our love and expecting nothing back.
One of mine's is Lexa.
Anya
I'm actually not a violent person. I mean, sure, the constant resting bitch face and hard attitude I give to others says differently, but I wouldn't hurt someone unless its the very last resort. And so if I have an alternative, I take it.
//
Abbey goes to greet them, pulling the piping tray of chocolate chip cookies out of the oven and sliding them onto a plate, afterwards removing her kitchen mittens. She thought it mandatory to bake a fresh batch, made specially for her daughter who's now in a relationship (something she was afraid of never witnessing). Opening her mouth, her mouth hangs, suspended, when an emotionless Clarke drags herself into the house, two worried best friends flanking her left side and an even more worried girlfriend on her right.
"Does someone want to tell me why you're all looking at Clarke like there's a bomb attached to her body and one wrong movement will set the entire world on fire?"
Raven looks expectantly over at Octavia, whom in turn focuses her gaze on Lexa, urging her to speak up. They had managed to discreetly take Clarke home in Octavia's car after sprinkling her face with cold water and barely waking her up, all three concluding that she'd appreciate it if there was less attention trained on her as it would mean less worry poised on her mother.
"Alright.. Clarke? Is there anything you have to say to me?"
Abbey reaffirms when no one budges.
Clarke shakes her head before silently trudging upstairs to her bedroom, feet and actions monotone in movement. She can't think. Well, she can, but she's too afraid to. Too afraid of the... the sounds to come back.
"Hello ma'am, I'm-"
"Now's not a good time for that," Raven pulls back Octavia's outstretched arm, slowly guiding her away from Abbey, looking expectantly at Lexa. She internally decides to walk Octavia home since it wasn't very far.. and because she doesn't want to interfere. Now that Lexa and Clarke are an actual thing, as humbly celebrated in the Griffin household the previous weekend, Raven is aware of the shift that will occur within their relationships. It is no longer just her and Clarke, as it has been for so long. And though they're best friends and practically sisters, she knows there's added weight in being someone's partner, or babe, or "bae"(as people like to say these days). Or just whatever label seems right to describe an intimate relationship like Lexa and Clarke's.
"I have no idea what happened Abbey. She," Lexa gulps out when they're alone, wringing her fingers together, "Clarke said she needed to use the bathroom. But she doesn't like using the one in the cafeteria because its disgusting so she used the one right outside of it, near the fire exit in the east wing. Whoever did this must've known what they were doing, must've somehow seized that small detail about Clarke to be able to corner her in such a vulnerable spot."
"How did you find her?"
"She was curled up. Into a ball, her hands covering her ears. And she was shaking too, Raven said it was a-"
"Panic attack. She hasn't one since she was 10."
"...What caused it?"
"High-pitched sounds. Not, like music or anything like that, these sounds affect her a lot differently. Clarke is very sensitive to them. We were at a carnival when it last happened. Someone had finally gotten it to the top, that game where you hit as hard as you can with a sledgehammer or something? The whole machine started going berserk and, in turn, she went into a panic attack. I never took her back since."
"Abbey I'm.. I'm really sorry. I know how this is coming off to you I just-" Lexa takes a deep breath, blinking rapidly, "I feel so helpless. Our relationship has only just started and.. and it feels so wrong because so many bad things have already happened!"
Abbey doesn't hesitate to wrap her arms around her frail figure, alarmed at how shaken she is. The display of affection only pushes Lexa's emotions overboard however and instead, she tries to pull away from the embrace that feels foreign. The embrace that should feel natural but feels more as if trying on a pair of 6-inch heels after wearing Converse for so long.
"No, I-I don't deserve this," Lexa wheezes, unable to look her in the eye.
Only hugging tighter, Abbey shushes Lexa, shaking her head in regret. For a split second, she's jerked back into her teenage years, a collection of memories being either incredible or devastating. The familiar taste of teenage heartbreak and "I'd rather die than live" situations is rampant on her tongue as they stand, broken but at least together. Lexa flinches at a certain spot Abbey caresses on her back and though Lexa doesn't make anything of it, it doesn't go unnoticed.
"Go see if you can coax her out of.. that state she's in."
Nodding, Lexa reluctantly parts from Abbeys arms, squeezing slightly before completely letting go and ascending the stairs.
"SHIT!"
Furious once alone, Abbey poises her arm, trembling to break something to express her loathe but relents, knowing it would stir negative attention. Instead settling for smacking the marble counter-top and desperately running her hands through her hair, the mother sighs at what shouldn't ever happen. The mother's fist trembles because, even though she's a firm believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason", there are some situations that just seem too horrible to comprehend and accept. The mother walks back into the kitchen and stares at the plate of cooling cookies, at the rising steam. Her pupils drift over to the chocolate, staining the plate, staining the dough, and she wonders if they'd be better without the added sweetness.
Abbey wonder's if, like a person's back, the cookies would look better smooth and void of imperfections. She wonders if, given an alternative, Lexa would still choose to remain where she is today.
//
"Knock knock."
Pushing open the already ajar door, Lexa slowly enters Clarke's mesmerizing bedroom. On the wall to the left, where the back of the bed rests, an intricate painting she did of a flying dragon is present, surrounding it clouds of different ambiances. Dark, stormy clouds, sunset ones that make her think of Nicolas Sparks movies, generic, white fluffy ones that pop up on torrid summer days. On the ceiling, and it boggles her mind when she tries to think of how it was possible to achieve such an endeavor, a glorious, violet galaxy, pecked with stark white stars and space grey asteroids catches eyes. The other half is still a blank, pearl white. On the opposite wall, there are random.. interests? The letters "TWD" is etched onto a random spot, a near-perfect and crazily-detailed orange cat, and Snoopy the dog is painted on as well, one of his tiny fingers pointing towards the door and copious other images. In fact, there are so many Lexa has to pry herself away from her piqued curiosity in Clarke's bedroom, each image she knows contains larger purpose than for the sake of design alone.
Clarke is lying down, facing the wall, her stomach routinely moving up and back down. Lexa sits on the edge of the bed and pokes her butt. Scooting closer when she gets no response, she sits cross-legged behind her, leaning her head down to rest on Clarke's shoulder.
"Clarke.."
The tiniest of snores floats from Clarke's chest in response and she narrows her eyes suspiciously.
"Clarke..?"
She lightly scratches her clothed shoulder, lifting an eyebrow when her lips twitch. Moving closer to her face, she places a chaste kiss on the curve of Clarke's jaw and this time a close-lipped smile breaks out onto her face, but she still doesn't budge. Lexa beams at the sight, stomach fluttering.
"Hm.. I guess she's sleeping then... I better go. "
As expected, she tries to pull away but isn't able to go very far when Clarke turns around and pulls her back close, blue eyes still hiding.
"No don't go."
"Look at me first."
"I will not."
"And why?"
"Because I can feel your breath on my face, which means you're very near."
"..so?"
"I might not be able to resist kissing you."
Lexa's automatic response is to blush and she chides herself for being such a loser but what can she do? Clarke has that affect on her. To turn her into complete mush whenever there's an instance in which she feels even the slightest superior. Lexa lies down into a more comfortable position and this time they're facing each other, still only a few inches apart.
"What happened back there?" Lexa whispers whilst caressing the back of Clarke's neck. She shuts her eyes too.
"I don't know. I.. I didn't even see anyone."
"Any voices? A woman's.. possibly a mans?"
"I think. But.. I couldn't. I.. I couldn't and I cant those sounds Lexa its so painful to hear I'm so sorry-"
"Sh sh sh forget about it. Shhhh I'm sorry I'm sorry."
The pattering of innocent raindrops starts to drum against the window pane as Clarke buries herself as deep as possible into the soft comfort of Lexa's chest. It's where it's quiet, the light thrumming of their heartbeats together the only sound she can bear to hear after the incident.
"Once, if I remember correctly I was 4 years young and attending tae kwon do because my... parents wanted me to join. They wanted me to be able to defend myself against the 'monsters under the bed' because I kept them up every single night crying and all. Anyway, there was this one guy, Nico, highest ranked of all belts in class, that I really wanted to impress. I'm not sure if it was mere attraction or idolization but I was desperate to interact with him. So," Lexa pauses to make sure Clarke hasn't fallen asleep before continuing, "I gather every ounce of confidence my four-year-old self is capable of, saunter up to him and blurt out, while pointing with my index finger: 'hey, check out that lady that just walked in. She looks so funny cause she's so short.. and fat! HA HA HA! Am I right?!"
Lexa snorts at her obnoxiously dumb self at childhood, unaware that Clarke is highly amused as well. Especially with the snort that popped out of her mouth. She grins against the navy blue fabric of Lexa's shirt, tucking the sound to memory.
"And, ever so slowly, he looks down and says in the voice I still haven't forgotten today, 'That lady's actually my mom'."
She gasps and pulls back to stare wide-eyed at Lexa.
"Yup," She says, popping the p, ".. I did that. And, I swear, I never spoke to him again. Never uttered another word or looked at him again except for when we had to spar and I had no choice but attempt to keep my ass from being kicked by flashing my adorable, wide, green eyes."
"...You're fucking ridiculous Lexa."
"I know."
"But adorable. And a complete bad ass if I may add."
She laughs at that and Clarke can't resist. The thick blanket of clouds in the bleary sky casts a beautiful blue filter around the room. Her faint, sweet smell of cinnamon has invaded her senses, her bed-sheets. The way her brown but-not-completely brown hair slides like Japanese silk off of her shoulder as she throws her head back and laughs, ends tickling her cheek.
It felt perfect.
Clarke leans in, slowly as not to shock her. She waits until she's only a breath away and Lexa has stopped laughing before pressing their lips together. Faintly pulling Lexa closer by placing the tips of her fingers underneath her chin, her mind run's rampant in complete chaos. It screams in silence, the only emotion in that moment being "closer".
Lexa on the other hand is in a state between "is this really happening" and "why haven't we done this before". Their lips together feel warm. Like when its freezing cold and sock-clad feet are positioned in front of a slow burning fireplace. Like the hug from Abbey earlier before. Like the midday sun in November when the weather is bipolar and you wish you could swap your coat and pants with a t-shirt and shorts.
"Did flashing your wide, innocent green eyes ever work?" Clarke whispers, breaking the kiss and resting their foreheads together.
"No. Not really." Lexa swallows her words, her eyes still shut, wanting more.
"If I were him," she licks her lips, "I would've agreed with what you said about my mom, as long as it meant we would get to talk more."
"Ha ha ha" Lexa laughs sarcastically, pushing her away playfully.
"No, seriously."
Blue meets with green and the moment is tied with silence, their bodies apart, hands barely grazing, background noises intermingling along with content and happiness.
"Clarke..?"
"Hm?"
"We're going to make it. You know that, right?"
"I do. I do, Lexa."
Relationships are never easy. What you see online, playful snapchats of each other on dates, Instagram photos of intertwined hands, Facebook posts about the gigantic teddy bear you received from him/her on Valentines day.
That's not what love is about.
Love is holding them up when they're too weak or too drunk to do so by themselves, even if you yourself are struggling to stand upright without falling. Love is about maintaining a tight grip even when the whole world is pulling on opposite sides, relationship like a game of tug of war except you and them are the rope, fighting to stay together. Love is complicated, unfair, painful and has no mercy. But love, if treated right, is the most wonderful gift one can receive.
However, it needs to be earned way before it can be celebrated.
//
"No one seems to be home."
"Oh he's in there."
"Do you know if she's here too?"
"No. I made sure of it..she wouldn't let this happen."
"As would most victims. Some.. some can't help but still love the very person that hurts them. I'll never understand it," he takes a moment to reflect, "let's proceed?"
Anya nods, ignoring the doubt scratching its way up her throat.
He holds a hand up behind him to signal the other two officers before kicking the door down with his foot, eyes sharp, gun prepared to shoot if deemed necessary.
Anya.. what're you up to? Octaven in the next chapter, didn't forget about them don't worry. What'd you think of the chapter loves? Let me know.
Till We Meet Again
-Cam