As I laid in my bed, I thought to myself;
How had my life become to this?
I'm so miserable with everything that I try to live up to, people always leaving me, no new people in my life; one to actually come on to me as a true friend.
"Hey, I got you Chinese"
Except Niall.
He walked into my room, holding up a small bag in one hand and a soda in another. I cleared off some tissues from my comforter, too lazy to get up from the bed and put my tear rags in the trash.
Right now, I was home alone. Rose and Harry were in Cheshire for the week, visiting Harry's family. Even though Rose has met them before, she seemed just as nervous, maybe a bit more, leaving the house yesterday.
Louis and May were doing the same as well, yet this time Louis was meeting May's parents, or at least her dad. Louis had already met May's mum and her dad was always away on business so this was the time for them to meet up. He actually seemed calm and collected before getting on the plane with May, Samantha as well. That was until May called saying she couldn't even get Louis out of the plane.
"Alright, so just you and me this week then?" Niall spoke, sitting on the bed and opening his box of food.
Yeah that's the catch, Niall has to stay with me this whole week because Rose and Harry don't trust me to be alone. I mean I see where they're coming from, I did try to kill myself.
I sniffed, the tears from Ashton causing my nose to swell up, "Yeah I guess so" I said lowly, not looking up from my food. I was shoveling it around with my fork, not doing much but just watching it move around. Maybe if I spread it out too much then it would look like I had been eating it.
"Oh god," Niall sighed, looking at me, "I thought they were kidding. You really are affected by all this, huh?" he asked, taking a bite of the food he had on his fork. I shrugged, "Well I mean I did get cheated on for the second time, so." I said, no emotion in my tone. He looked at me sorrowfully, "Dakota, I didn't mean it like tha-"
"No Niall, you did. You're probably just like everyone else right now, including me. Thinking, 'Oh, how could Dakota let this happen again.' maybe I actually am stupid Niall! Maybe I should just die alone with my stupid self, no one would probably care, I mean seems like they cared enough to cheat on me-" my breath caught in my throat as Niall slammed his hand on the bed.
"Dakota! Shut up! You are worth it! You do have people who care about you, I care about you! Not all your relationships were shit, hell Dakota, I'm still in love with you-"
"What?" I croaked, pulling my head up to meet his eyes. He sighed, "I've said it to you before, and I'm going to say it again." He grabbed my hands, pulling me closer to him, but still space between us.
"I'm in love with you." he paused, tears still rushing down my face as the words sunk in deeper.
Love.
Why is he still in love, especially with me, out of all people.
Love is a strong word, and I don't think Niall knows how much the four letters affect me.
Love is complete acceptance. When we allow someone to be exactly as they are, without any belief that they aren't good enough, without any belief that they would be "better" if they were different.
Love means so much, but Niall just throws the word around all the time like it means nothing.
But maybe he did mean it.
"I don't care how much you try to let me not, but my feelings will always be the same. It hurt for me to see you with Ashton, but I knew it made you happy. That's why when I saw him with the other girl, I went insane." he chuckled, but my face was still blank, emotionless even.
The word was still hung up in my head;
L O V E .
Niall doesn't understand, it's way more than just that.
Love is selfless. True love doesn't want anything in return, because there is nothing it needs. We just love for the sake of love. When we love someone, we don't look for them to fill our needs, love us back, and all those types of things. If that is what we are looking for, then we are just using the other person. What is the meaning of love? Love is completely selfless.
"But-" I started, Niall shaking his head and cutting me off.
"No I'm not done. I never cheated on you, not all of your relationships were shit. Do you even remember how much fun we had, we were the 'power couple' of our group of friends. We loved each other so much, yet you always seem to forget and throw it all away." he sighed, his eyes were the deep blue that I fell in love with only months ago, but maybe I still am in love?
Maybe I was never, in love. All the pressure of everyone saying it, it made me believe it.
It is a very common question, "How can I tell I'm in love?", but it is not an easy question to answer. What feels like love to one person may be nothing more than attraction to another. Some people fall in and out of love quickly and often while others are never really in love as much as they are in lust.
Maybe all I ever felt for Niall was just, lust.
I'm not sure though, I do feel something extremely strong for that boy. I'd never really thought about getting back with Niall, well we never exactly broke up to begin with either.
"What I'm trying to say is, I care about you. You always say people aren't here for you, but I always have been, and I always will." he finished his rant, getting up from the bed and walking out the door of my room.
At this point, I was mostly speechless. I didn't know what to do, do I go after him? Tell him I'm sorry?
Am I sorry for 'loving him' even if I didn't in the first place? Or did I? My mind is spinning with questions.
But, I do think I did love him,
did.
Did, meaning now we never hang out anymore and the light at the end of the tunnel is soon going to close if we don't hang out as often as we used to. The simple attraction might be lost. No more electricity at the touch of our fingers.
I still get the tingles, the butterflies, but I know they will vanish if I don't do something about it.
But I always believe one can not fall out of love, so why am I still feeling these things for Niall?
Simple,
as much as I want to deny it;
I am in love.
We're both in love.
But I always feel he won't take me back, the pain still in my heart when I think about it. Everyday actually, I think about it as often as I can.
I remember when he told me, he'd quit the band for me. For us. So, I feel like if I did end up telling him, he'd actually except me again.
I just want our love again, what we shared was the most beautiful sensation you could possibly think of.
I want Niall.
I want him back.
I want him in my life again.
No,
I need him in my life again.
But the question is
How do I start?
Should I go downstairs and confront him? Do I just blurt it out? Maybe play hard to get?
No, I'm over hard to get, I just need him. I need his acceptance.
I sighed, pulling the covers off of my body, I finally managed to get up and have my cold feet touch the wooden floor.
Looking in the mirror was something I instantly regretted after seeing the image staring back. I looked terrible, my eyes were red, hair all over the place, the V-Neck I had been wearing was now scrunched up all about; so basically, I resembled a pot head.
I wouldn't be surprised if someone accused me of being high, my eyes were far too red from the tears.
But right now my appearance doesn't matter. I need to talk to Niall.
If he loves me, he'll think I look beautiful in anything.
I remember reading that one in a magazine.
I quickly took my hair from my bun and tried to make my hair at least look presentable as I hurried down the stairs.
Me being the stupid one I am, I almost tripped on the last one, but the familiar strong, pale, white arms caught me just in time.
Niall.
"Woah, hey slow down there." he chuckled, straightening me up as I pushed myself from his arms.
"Yeah Niall, I'm fine. I need to talk to you."
"Oh yeah, I was just coming up to talk to you too. I wanted to apologize for pouring all that shit on you. I know you're probably stressed as hell from what happened and I shouldn't brought up us when there is som-"
"Niall, that's what I want to talk to you about, us. I want us, I want us back. I built walls when I came back here, walls that I never thought anyone could break down. But you did, I realized people build up walls, not to keep others out but to see who cares enough to break them down. I always thought I could never fall in love, but you made me." I gushed, Niall was staring into my eyes the whole time. He hadn't said a word yet, so I decided to continue, "There's only one kind of love that can fill us up, make us whole, and give us the happiness we all want, unconditional love or true love. Niall, you. You give me that, the tingle in my body when I hear your voice, it reminds me of how I can't get you out of my head. It is unconditional love that we all seek, and somehow we intuitively realize that anything other than that kind of love isn't really love at all-it's an imitation of the real thing. And when I think over all of this, it just goes right back to you." I struggled to finish, tears building up in me after I began describing unconditional love. They now fell freely from my eyes, Niall still staring at me with an expression I can't describe.
But then, the unthinkable happened.
His mouth opened, I thought he would speak, but no;
he smiled.
"I want to hear you say it." He moved closer to me, nearing my face as his hand caressed my left cheek.
"You explained your love so much, but you still never said it." Niall whispered, our faces only inches apart now.
So I decided to stop running away from it, and finally come out.
"I'm in love with you Niall."
• • • •
You're welcome.
That's all.
↓ v o t e ↓