Okay, I told myself. This is fine. Really. You're fine. Don't panic. Don't fucking Panic. Pan!c at the Disco. What?
I shook my head, shifting where I stood in front of the mirror. I was never really one for taking long lengths of time to admire myself in the floor-length, shitty old mirror by the back wall, because I never tended to feel very good about what I saw. I still didn't, not today, but I cared a lot more about it than usual.
Because I was meeting Dan Howell.
Just thinking about it nearly brought about a round of stomach-ejecting, fits of violent asthma and wheezing screams. I don't think I'd been so nervous about something in my entire life. Except perhaps the one time I was switching dance partners at the grade-6 hoedown and Jeremy Baker was about to slide into my sweaty-palmed, BO-radiating arms.
Oh God, what if I've got BO when I meet Dan? Fuck. Fuck fuck. More deodorant.
I lifted my shirt and shot some unnecessary Rexona 'Sexy Bouquet'(seriously Rexona? How can flowers be sexy?) deodorant into the crook in my arm. I looked back at my reflection in the mirror. I didn't look great. I'd put a bit of effort, doing something mildly entertaining with my choppy hair. I'd even dived into the murky depths of make-up, which was really a rare occurrence for me.
Feeling the onslaught of a potential mental breakdown pressing against the front of my head, I let out a long breath and grabbed my bag from beside my bed and headed out of my dorm. The worst part about this whole thing was that I had no one to go with. Apparently being 19 and essentially a functioning adult meant you couldn't like this kind of stuff anymore. Most of my uni friends had no idea who Dan and Phil even were when I brought them up.
So I sat on a bus with no one but myself, which I was glad for, in many ways, because it meant I could sit and blast some shitty 90s hits and talk to nobody. I watched the world pass outside the glass - it had been raining, so colours were drawn out in slow dribbles, faces unrecognisable washes of blank eyes and mops of hair. I tapped my foot on the floor and I tried to think of what I would say, knowing that it wouldn't matter because I'll go completely blank in that moment.
I stood as the bus was shuddering to a stop outside the theatre, my ticket clutched in one hand, gripping the strap of my bag with the other. I called out a small thank you to the bus driver and hopped off the bus, letting out a breath as I looked up to figure out where I was. I hadn't been around this part of Adelaide much before, so I wasn't entirely sure where to go.
I looked both ways and saw nothing substantial in the way of landmarks, but two girls wearing mostly black with brightly coloured hair giggled as they talked and made their way down the path, which I took as more or less of a sign that I was in the right place. I subtly slipped into a fast walk behind them, following the trudge of their docs up the stairs, up into a building with big glass doors and brass handrails (soz I literally know nothing about Adelaide, so this is me making shit up).
My hair was in my face, so I looked up and through it I saw swarms of girls milling around the front entrance. I brushed my hair from my eyes, and suddenly this was so overwhelming. I clutched my ticket tighter.
I lined up behind the girls at the entrance way, handing my ticket over to a lady who smiled politely and placed a paper wristband around my arm. A security guard nodded me over to the side, where the two I was following earlier had disappeared into.
I took a big breath. I walked through, flashing my wristband at the guard, who smiled and nodded me through. Inside the room was big, but not anything like I imagined - square, with black curtains on the walls, and masking tape bordering the floor (again, will be based off my aussie VIP experience which was not Adelaide lel).
I don't know whether I fit in or if I stuck out like a sore thumb. Everyone was essentially in some form of black, and a lot of girls sported brightly coloured hair. And they were mostly years younger than me, which, to say the least, made me feel very awkward and out of place. A girl to my right turned to speak to her friend, and I noticed long, black cat whiskers stretching over her bulging cheeks as she grinned and nodded her head over to the front.
I craned my neck to see over to the front. I was close, but not close enough to see through the packed hordes of excited (and mostly pre or recently-pubescent teen girls). Luckily for me, I'm relatively tall, so I stood on my toes and made out a black leather armchair (Dan's aesthetic af) and a big, sheet-like poster of Dan and Phil where I presumed the meet-and-greets would take place.
I stood back down. I glanced around, feeling very conscious of the fact that I was alone and had no one to share this with. I hadn't thought this would affect me, but as I stood in this sea of excited girls, gripping their friend's arms and giggling and laughing, I noticed this absence of anyone else a lot more than I thought.
'There's this book over there, which you can sign,' a girl beside me said to her friend. 'I wrote down my twitter name, in case either of them wanted to follow me.'
Feeling very much like the straggly nineteen-year-old standing creepily by the twelvies, I nudged my way through the crowd with a round of murmured apologies as I inevitably brushed against dozens of black skinny jeans. The book was over by the back, where a nervous bubble of girls were pouring their heart and soul in as few letters as possible.
The girl in front of me whipped around after she was done and smiled shyly at me, handing me the sharpie. I bent over the book and paused, realising I had no idea what I was going to say.
Potato girl here, I wrote. Hope you don't fuck up the show. Ily, Meg xx
Brutal and blunt, I thought to myself as I made my way back over to the spot. Just how I like it.
After twenty minutes of awkwardly scrolling through my phone and sending out a few tweets, like about to meet @danisnotonfire and @amazingphil and absolutely shitting myself, and hELP I'M SO SCARED #TATINOF, a lady emerged from the front, which earned a round of elated screams before they died out at the realisation that it was neither Dan nor Phil.
She explained how everything was going to work, and that we were not, I REPEAT WERE NOT, OR SHE WAS GOING TO CANCEL THE ENTIRE SHOW, to stand over the white tape, or to mob Dan and Phil at any stage.
She finished explaining and told us that Dan and Phil would be out very soon. As she left, a hustled chatter started up. I got out my phone again, seeing that I'd gotten a message from Dan.
Direct message from @danisnotonfire
@danisnotonfire: you ready?
I typed back a reply quickly, noticing my hands were shaking a little.
@phanoclock: haha fuck no
@danisnotonfire: get ready
@danisnotonfire: soon
@phanoclock: what's that supposed to mean??
Before I could say anything else, what was possibly the loudest sound I've ever heard erupted from my direct right.
'BOO!'
Nearly dropping my phone and shitting myself in the process, I jumped about a foot in the air and whipped around to the side, where Dan and Phil were literally one metre in front of me.
Dan. Phil.
One metre.
Me.
I looked up and make eye contact with Dan for what couldn't have been longer than a second, before he looked away again and made his way to the front. Everyone around me was screaming. I kept on thinking, did he know it was me? But he couldn't. He's never seen what I look like.
They went to the front and waved and grinned and said hi, and essentially were just completely perfect for all of thirty seconds before they disappeared behind the poster-curtain and the lady from before got us to line up around the white tape. I stood behind a girl who was honest-to-God sobbing into her friend's shirt, letting out wet whimpers about something as her friend rubbed her back soothingly. I tried to catch a glimpse of Dan and Phil, but they were tucked away, out of sight.
As the girls passed and I came closer and closer to the front, I couldn't explain the feeling that grew and bubbled in my stomach. It was anticipation, but also total, shattering fear. I wanted to meet them so bad, but then at the same time I didn't. What if I said something stupid? Of course I was going to say something stupid. This is me we're talking about.
Before I could process what was happening, the girl in front of me stumbled forwards and was enveloped in a hug. The poster was angled at a way that meant I couldn't see, but I could hear murmuring, and fuck I'm so fucking scared holy fuck fuck fuck-
Then there was an arm guiding me forward, and suddenly Dan and Phil were there. They're here. I looked up at their faces and I didn't have any words. They were so familiar, but different. And they were so tall. I blinked a few times and Dan pulled me into a hug.
'Hello!' He said brightly, releasing me from the hug. In a total daze, I looked over to Phil, whom I hugged, and then stood back, staring at them and saying nothing. You're making it weird, I thought. Say something Meg. JUST SAY SOMETHING OR I'LL FUC-
'Have you got something for us to sign?' I looked over at Dan and he was looking at me, right in the eyes, and I nearly melted on the spot.
'Y-yeah,' I said, handing it over. He smiled and took it and signed the front page, and I was telling myself to speak, but my tongue felt like wet plaster in my mouth.
Just do it Meg. Just do it.
'It's me,' I blurted out. Dan looked up, puzzled. 'Meg.'
His eyes widened and his face broke into a grin. He swept forward and wrapped me in another hug, and this one was so different from the first. It was so much more. It wasn't so stilted. I took a big breath and hugged him back, my arms around his middle.
He pulled back, grinning. 'Why did you wait for so long to tell me?'
'I don't know,' I said, stumbling over words like they were three-metre-tall hurdles. 'I'm a bit nervous.'
'Nervous? Why would you be nervous?'
I rolled my eyes. 'Oh I don't fucking know, Daniel. I'm just meeting like my internet idols. Plus you're tall. It's intimidating.'
Dan laughed. 'Now that's the Meg I know and love.'
I beamed. Rays of light literally felt like they were splitting through my face and possibly my asshole, too. Rays of light everywhere. I'm so happy.
'Dan, you've got to move on,' the lady from before said, and Dan nodded and looked back to me.
'Dinner, right?'
'Hell yes.'
He smiled again, dimples cutting into his cheeks. My insides clenched. It's so cliché, but my heart literally hurt. 'I'll message you afterwards, yeah?'
'Yeah. Good luck with the show. Make mum proud.'
Dan laughed again, and then gave me another hug. I hugged Phil again, who I felt bad for essentially abandoning during that exchange, but then I was walking away and I couldn't feel anything but total and utter joy.
I just met Dan and Phil, I thought, walking in a daze. Holy cheeseballs.
Someone handed me a merch bag and I went to the back, sitting up against the wall where I could let myself breathe. I looked back at where Dan and Phil would be standing, and I couldn't help but grin. It had actually gone so well.
I leant back against the wall. Today was going to be great, I could feel it.
AN
as disclaimed before, this was based on my non-Adelaide TATINOF Australia experience, so the details will be incorrect :) Side not - Dan and Phil LITERALLY JUMPED OUT ONE METRE FROM ME AND YELLED BOO AND I DIED A LITTLE BIT.
Hope y'all liked it <3