I'VE MISSED YOU
• CHAPTER 6 •
Previous chapter:
I stood there for a long time trying to catch my breath until the realization of what had happened hit me with full force sending tears down my cheeks.
Tyler Rogers knew my secret, and my life was about to end...
• • •
It was 20:46 and I was laying on the bed just staring at the ceiling, I've been in this position for hours now.
Earlier, when I regained enough composure to go back to the hotel, Mrs. Lake intercepted me and told me that I was looking very pale and asked me if I was feeling well. I told her that I was feeling very sick and didn't want to go to the archeological places we were going later, and that I just needed to lay down for a while.
She looked at me with concern told me that she would stay with me to look over me, but I begged her not to stay telling her that I would be asleep the whole time and that if I needed something I would call her immediately.
After a while of convincing, she finally caved and let me go to my room allowing me to stay by myself, making me promise to text her every hour telling her how I was feeling.
On my way up on the elevator, I got hit again by the reality of my problem.
Tyler knew I was gay. Somehow he knew it, and now he was going to use that against me, I bet.
I wondered what he would do...
Maybe he was going to blackmail me with that vital piece of information, or just expose me to the world and seat back and watch as my life came crumbling down.
I just hoped that Tyler didn't realize how much power he had over me. I would literally do anything, and I mean anything, to keep my secret hidden. He could do anything he wanted to me and I would let him, as long as he wouldn't expose me.
What would my parents do if they knew I was gay? Well, that was actually a dumb question. I knew very well what they would do. They would most likely disown me and maybe even kick me out.
I knew that my father didn't like the idea of two guys together. Whenever we were watching T.V. and a gay guy would appear, he would get a disgusted look on his face and change the channel immediately. I know some of those guys can be a bit annoying, but definately something to be disgusted of.
And there were also those little comments using the words like 'fairy', 'pussy', 'faggy' and many other, as insults to masculinity. I was sure my dad didn't even keep track of those kind of comments, but I sure did; and they made fell disgusted with myself.
As far as I knew, my mother had no opinion regarding homosexuals since I hadn't heard any comment, neither good nor bad, about them.
Or should I say us?
I always felt like a hipocrite among my family, pretending to be straight. I even dated a couple girls before just to make my act even more credible. All of them just broke up with me because I refused to do anything more than kissing, but I couldn't care less as long as my parents thought I was straight as an arrow.
Also, being outed would mean losing every friend at school. Sure, none of them were close friends but that wouldn't stop them from making my life a living hell. Tyler would even be put on a pedestal for "showing the fag its place"...
And what would Chris think? He was my only real friend and losing him would kill me. He was the only one who really helped me through "the accident"; it wasn't my parents, nor the cops, nor the doctors, nor the therapist; it was Chris who pulled me out of that hole. And I would always be in debt with him for that.
Even though I didn't think Chris would hate me for being gay, I knew that it would just make out relationship even more fragile until, at some point, it desappeared.
And also the humiliation of Jake knowing about my love to him. He would know why I pushed him away on first place and would even hate me more, if that was even possible.
Also the sadness of knowing that all my efforts to keep my secret locked down were useless, all the acts that I put up to trick my friends and family into thinking that I was normal would come tumbling down, all the pain of having to tear away from the person I loved the most. Having to pull away from Jake's friendship broke my heart in all the ways possible, and it was good for nothing.
All of these thoughts passed through me as I was on my way up to my room, and I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face.
The elevator doors opened when reaching my floor only to reveal something that sent my spirits even lower into the dark hole where I was.
It was Jake waiting for the elevator to come and when he looked at me, his expresion broke my heart into even smaller pieces.
He looked at me with blank eyes that sent only one message: 'I couldn't care less for your pathetic life.'
My tears came down even heavier and I couldn't stop a little whimper from escaping my lips. I was so pathetic.
I stepped out of the elevator and Jake got in, but with my back turned to him, I saw his reflexion on the crystal that encased a fire extinguisher opposite to the elevator.
He was turned to look at my back, but his face wasn't stoic anymore. He was looking at me with sadness on his eyes, or was it pity? I wasn't sure, and I didn't stop to analyze him any longer, I just kept on walking to the room.
And as soon as I got to there, I laid down on the bed staring up to the ceiling with tears running down my face.
I'd been laying on the exact same position for hours, the only movement I'd done was texting Mrs. Lake to tell her that I was fine from time to time.
The last text I got from her said that they were on their way back, but they were gonna take a while because they were going to stop at a restaurant to have dinner. She asked me if I wanted her to bring me something, but I politely said no.
As the time passed, the only change was that I wasn't shreding tears anymore; I think I cried until I ran out of them.
During this time my mind had gone through the same dark thoughts over and over again.
But one thought was darker than any other. I remembered about the promise I made to myself the day before.
I promised myself that I would protect my secret from Jake and the world, & if I failed I would end my life with my own hands. If my life was going to be taken away anyways, I would rather have it taken by myself.
And I had failed, miserably failed.
And right now was the perfect moment to fulfil that promise. No one was here to interrupt me, I had all the privacy I wanted with my classmates and teachers away on their trip. If I did it right now, they wouldn't be able to stop me because it would be too late.
But I was scared. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live if my life was going to turn to hell. And I didn't want to suffer anymore.
I stood up from the bed with my body moving to autopilot towards the bathroom. I was in a trance and my feet moved with a mind of their own.
"Maybe I should have died in 'the accident'" I thought "Maybe it was meant to happen and I was supposed to die."
It made sense now. I wasn't supposed to survive, even the doctors said so.
The sound of water hitting the bathtub startled me and broke me from my daze.
Surprisingly, my body kept on moving without me noticing. I was now in the bathroom with the door locked, I was naked and all my clothes were scattered on the floor.
My left hand was on the tub's now open faucet, there was something on my right hand. I look over and saw it was my shaving razor and, without thinking, I threw it with all my strength towards the wall and it broke into pieces.
I bent down and picked one of the thin blades up and placed it on top of the sink.
While the tub was filling up with warm water, I did nothing but stare at myself on the mirror. I looked at every single scar covering my torso and every hit that caused them.
Every punch.
Every kick.
Every slice.
I remember all the pain.
Nobody would ever love me with those disgusting scars, I was filthy and they were the proof. I was broken and useless. I couldn't even defend myself, of couse I didn't deserve to be loved or even cared for. I should just make everybody a favor and kill myself already.
I stepped into the tub once it was full enough. The caress of the warm water felt delicious against my skin and my muscles seemed to relax immediately. It was the ideal escenario to end it all.
I half laid on my back, half sat up and reached to grab the blade. I brought it close to my left arm and thought about all the reasons to really do this.
I pressed the blade against my wrist but not with enough strength to actually pierce my skin.
Right in that moment, my senses came back to me. I started to shake uncontrollably and my skin felt as if it was freezing, even though I was laying in warm water. I was truly scared, scared shitless.
I started sobbing once again. I had thought that I had run out of tears, but I was wrong.
My hand still held the blade against my skin not pushing enough to cut, even though I was shaking. I couldn't force myself to do it.
I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to suffer anymore and living meant suffering.
I stopped wondering how it would be not to feel pain and be normal years ago. Hoping for things to get better only led to more and more pain, fate had demonstrated me that many times.
But I could just end all of it right now.
But I was scared.
I had to be strong to do it. It would be the best thing anyways, so I told myself that I would do it on the count of three.
"One..."
I took a deep breath through my sobs.
"Two..."
I gripped the blade harder.
"And..."
To be continued...
That was Chapter 6 of IVMY!
Oh my dear lord!!!
NOW thing have hit the fan!!
DO NOT WORRY, THIS IS FAR FROM BEING OVER YET.
& Sorry for the cliffhanger but this chapter was getting long and that seemed to be a good point to end the chapter. :B
So yeah... anyways... Did you guys liked the chapter? it was kinda intense haha.
So if you guys liked it please VOTE & if you guys want to COMMENT dont hesitate ;) I reply to every comment because I love you (and also because I have nothing better to do) C:
So again. If you liked the chapter pleeeaaase VOTE and leave a COMMENT
Until next Monday (I hope) C:
- Zack