Dear Michael,
Sometimes I wish that words was easier to say than they were to write or sing. If they were I would be telling you this to your face. I have been keeping this to myself for sometime now and I think that I should tell you now because I might not ever tell you in the future, so please be opened minded for me. What I'm about to tell you will probably be hard for you to take in.
Here it goes. I have feelings for you, and not just any feelings. I mean hardcore love feelings for you. Every time I am around you and we are laughing and smiling and doing whatever it us that we do together; whether it is talking or just having pointless dance competitions I fall deeper in love with you ten times as hard. You make feel so high that my head spins. Michael, before you came in my life my world was a dark night sky with only a few stars that gave me a reason to live. Then you came a lit my whole sky, chasing away the ten shades of gray that overshadowed my life. Changing my skies to cry. I never really knew that you had made such an impact on my life until now. It took me six years to realize it. It took me until we were seventeen years old to realize that I love you, and that I want to be there for you for the rest of my life. I don't want my feelings for you to get in the way of our friendship and I don't expect you to feel the same way about me. I just thought that it was best that you knew. Its best that you know that I love you. Very much.
Yours Truly,
Liyah
It was a letter that she had never given to me that was written in 1975. I had found it in her journal while reading it. It just sort of fell out in my lap when I turned the page. There was an entry about it:
March 21, 1975
Dear Journal,
My feeling for him is burning like crazy. I have never felt this way about anyone ever in my life. Ever. Its sort of frustrating, to be honest. As much as I wish to tell him. It hard for me. How can I tell him that he gas been giving me a rush for the past year. It was heavy in my mind so I decided to write him a letter. Telling him how I felt. The letter can never compare to how I really feel but its starting off small. I could work my way up once he knows.
I really, really love him. I mean, I am crazy in love with him. I can't hold it back anymore.
-Aaliyah
I looked at the letter and the entry and sighed. I had no idea she felt that way about me then. She never told me, and I never guessed either because she kept it to herself so well. I guess she had forgotten about it. Or maybe she just didn't have the guts to give it to me which was odd for her because she always seemed so bold. Willing to take chances no matter what they led her to. Expressing her feeling about something or someone wasn't hard for her either. She always spoke her mind even at that age. I remember the first time I had realized she was like that. It was actually that year, she and Susanne had gotten in an argument about her career:
"I'm sorry Susanne, but I am not singing this song." She placed the paper down on the table and plopped down in the chair raising her eyebrow, pursing her lips, and crossing her arms. That look she always gave someone when she wasn't happy about something.
"The company says that it would be good for you to sing one of your mother's-"
"For what, so that they can make money off her even while she's dead? I maybe her daughter but you have to realize I am not her! I am not anything like her and I am not keeping her legacy going on so that those greedy people at Motown and can feed off of her ass and mine!"
"Aaliyah Dana Haughton, you watch your mouth! You know that as her daughter you have to do certain things like that."
"But Susanne, you just can't keep expecting me to do a remake of her old songs, you're throwing my record sales under the rug. And on top of that you're leaving me behind while all those other artist are moving forward. Michael and his brothers left Motown a long time ago, and we had about the same fame! I want the rights to my music and my career. I'm not staying at Motown just because you can't seem to let go of the fact that she's dead." She said coldly.
"I understand all that but-"
"But what? As her daughter I am expected to do this? Susanne, yes, I am her daughter, but I am not replacing her. No one can replace her. " She ran her finger through her hair which was something she did when she was trying to think of something to say." My mom and I are totally different people. My mother didn't dance all she she did was wear long expensive dresses and sing a song. And am not going to wear another one of those dresses. Susanne, I have made up my mind, I am not singing this song so I highly suggest you speak with those producers in writing me songs that a seventeen year old girl would sing, or I'm dropping from the label."
"Aaliyah-"
"Susanne, that's my final decision." she said as she stood up and walked out of the room. I heard her foot steps as it faded deeper within the house.
Susanne looked at me and shook her head." She's so much like her."
"Who?"
"Leah," she said as she walked to sink and turn on the water.
I didn't have much to say to her. I stood up, " Excuse me," I said before walking out of the kitchen and began heading up the stair. Liyah' s room was the one that was the only room on the left side of the hallway. She had records outside her room and they stretched down the hall. I opened her door and found her pulling on some sweat pants over some shorts. She looked up at me and sighed with relief." Finally, someone I can talk to who actually have some sense." she said as she picked up her jeans and balled them up throwing them in laundry basket that was across the room." Close the door."
"Are you okay?"
She looked up at me." You know what, I am not okay!" she said as she sat down on her rug. I walked over to her and down next to her. She pulled me down to where I was laying my head in her small lap. She began playing with me hair. " I mean seriously, do you not see what they are doing? They want me to continue carrying my mother's legacy. I am not my mother, I may come from her but I am not her. I just don't understand this. I mean I would expect Susanne-- being my god mother would understand that I don't want to do this. I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but if I don't stop doing this now I will continue to be in this hole. The only reason why I haven't left is because my contract expires when I'm eighteen." She was silenced for a long moment. She just continued to play with my hair. It was something that she loved to do. She always said it was something that was therapeutic for her. " You should be happy that you have the family you have, you know." she said softly and faintly.
"What?"
" I know they get on your nerves, but I would kill to have what you have. All I have is you, Joanna, and Susanne. And Susanne makes me want to catch a case around here."
I laughed.
"I haven't seen or heard from my father since my mothers death, and I know nothing about her or her family. I swear Michael, when I get married to whoever I will marry, I will not break my family up like that. I can't have my kids feeling the way that I do."
"You want kids?"I glanced up at her, meeting her dark gray eyes.
"Well, yeah I I thought you knew."
I shook my head. "How many do you want?"
She shrugged." However many God wants me to have." she smiled." I don't think that is as many as you want. I fell bad for your future wife." She laughed. "She'll be popping out babies left and right with you."
I laughed along with her. She placed her had on my forehead and began rubbing my hair again. She had no idea that she would be that wife we were laughing about that day. I had no idea either. I just knew that as I looked up at her and watched as she smiled and laughed while she played with my hair that I wanted to be with her. I wish I would've known sooner of the feelings that she had for me. I would've made love to her that very day.