I didn't know what Monday morning would hold. I hadn't talked to Luke since Saturday night after what happened. I liked it and I wished it was just a little longer but he was quick to apologize for making the mistake and left without another word.
I know it's impossible for him to like me but I couldn't help but hope that he did a little. He's just so nice to me and his actions seem genuine but of course that's just to make this relationship seem real. I'm such an idiot to fall for him but it's too late now. He's sucked me in and now I'm stuck.
Once I was ready, I walked outside and waited for him to come, well at least I hope he does. He didn't say anything about not picking me up but from the way he acted it's possible.
I waited outside for ten minutes and was about to go grab my bike when he finally pulled up. I sighed and walked to his car, getting in without a word.
I didn't know what to say. Am I the one that should say something first anyway? I mean, he's the one that kissed me so I would think he'd want to talk about it. But he didn't. He didn't seem to want to talk about anything because he was silent the entire time. Good thing this was a short drive. If it was any longer it would've been much worse.
Once we arrived at the school, he got out and didn't come around to grab my hand like he always did. Instead, he began to walk towards the building and I had to jog to catch up to him.
It wasn't until we were in the building that I was able to grab him so he'd look at me.
"Look, about Saturday-" I started.
"It's was a mistake, okay? I wasn't thinking and I didn't mean to do it. I guess it was out of habit or something but I don't like you that way." He said.
"I-I was just going to say you don't have to be weird about it. I knew it was a mistake."
"Oh...right. Sorry about that." He rubbed the back of his neck.
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll see you later." I broke off into the bathroom before I could hear him respond and started crying as soon as I got into a stall.
I'm so stupid. I knew it was a mistake and all but hearing those words come from his mouth made it all real in a way and it broke my heart. He doesn't know it and I can't tell him but I like him and I don't think even after this I can stop.
I probably should've checked to make sure no one was in the bathroom before I started balling my eyes out but I don't even care right now.
His tone was so assertive, like he was really trying to make sure I knew that he'd never like me. I hope I didn't show my pain too much, the last thing I need is him assuming I have feelings for him and this entire deal goes down the drain, along with our friendship. I enjoy being able to talk to him and have a good time and I don't want to lose that.
But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop crying. I left my stall and made sure no one else was in the bathroom before locking the door and throwing my bag on the counter. I stared at myself in the mirror to see my running nose, puffy, red eyes, and disheveled hair. I checked the time and it was ten minutes after the start of class. There was no way I could go to first period. Not only because the way I looked but also because I couldn't suck it up for five seconds.
I knew it was a bad idea but I felt like I had no other option. I went through my bag and found the small black box I kept in there for emergencies. I was actually proud of myself for once because I had been clean for so long. And Luke helped, too. Spending time with him made me happy and gave me a reason not to cut, but it looks like he'll be the reason I'm doing it now.
I unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them halfway down my thighs. I gave myself one cut, on each thigh, for each reason I was upset. One was for me being an idiot in thinking he'd like me. Another was me always putting myself in these situations, always liking guys I have absolutely no chance with. A third was for me crying like a little bitch because I didn't get my way. I cut myself again for always falling hard and fast.
After being clean for a few weeks, there was now eight fresh cuts on my thighs. I grabbed some paper towels and wet them a little with cold water to wipe the blood before I pulled my pants back up. I rinsed the blade and put it back in the box and buried the box in my bag once again.
I checked my phone again to see there was forty minutes left in class. Because it still looked pretty obvious I had been crying, I decided to wait it out in here and just go to English.
-
"Good morning." Dylan smiled as I approached my desk.
"Hey." I breathed and sat down.
The teacher wasn't here and that was better than great. I could talk to Dylan and not have to worry about her telling me to stop every two minutes.
The substitute handed out the worksheet and explained what we were supposed to do and sat at the desk and began to read a book.
"So how did the dinner go?" He asked.
"It was great." I nodded. "His family is extremely nice and his brothers are hot as fuck. And his mum said she liked me." I left out the part about her liking me more than Brooke because it didn't seem that important to mention. And that was something personal she told me and I didn't want to go around telling everyone.
"That's good." He nodded.
"And Luke kissed me." I stated. My heart fluttered from just saying it.
"In front of his family? That's a bold move."
"No, on my front porch when he took me home."
"Are you serious?" I had to shush him because he was getting a bit loud. "But I thought-"
"Before you jump to any conclusions, it wasn't deep. It was just his lips on mine for a few seconds and he pulled away and began apologizing and saying it was a mistake. Then he left without another word and didn't talk to me again until we got here this morning." I said.
"Why would he apologize?" He asked.
"I guess so I didn't think he liked me or something, I don't know. But you know how I feel about him so hearing him say that broke my heart. I already knew in my head he wouldn't like me but him saying it made it real and made me feel terrible. What am I gonna do, Dylan? I like him but I can't tell him I like him because he likes Brooke and a part of the deal was us not to fall for each other."
"Do you still like Ashton?"
"Yeah of course." I said.
"Just forget about Luke. Focus on your goal which is being with Ash."
"How am I supposed to forget about him if I'm constantly around him?" I asked.
"Condition yourself. Like every time you find yourself thinking about him or liking something he says or does, use that pain to suppress those feelings and you won't care about him anymore." He said.
I nodded. "Okay, I'll give it a try."
"Good, but remember, you can't show you're upset or anything. That could lead to complications."
"I'll try." It's not as easy at it sounds.
We did our work and talked about anything that didn't relate to Luke. After class, we walked to the cafeteria together and Luke was waiting outside the door.
"Good luck and remember, don't show how you really feel." He said before heading inside.
"Hey." Luke said.
"Hi." I went in without taking his hand like I always did.
We went to stand in the line to buy food but I didn't have much of an appetite so I just got a bottle of juice and a bag of popcorn. After he paid, we went to our usual table and I sat down and opened my drink without saying a word. I felt like not talking would make things easier.
"Are you okay? You're oddly quiet." He said.
"Yeah I'm fine." I said.
"Are you sure? You seem a little upset."
There he goes, being so concerned about how I feel. That's one of the reasons why I like him and now I hate he makes me feel this way.
"I'm just tired, that's all." It wasn't a complete lie, that cry I had earlier really wore me out.
To make things better, Ashton and Brooke came to join us. Not that I have anything against them, I just don't feel like being around a lot of people right now.
"Hey guys." Brooke smiled as they sat down.
"Hi." I managed a small smile.
Luke put his arm around me and brought me closer to him. Again my heart fluttered and I couldn't do anything about it but just repeat in my head over and over again that I shouldn't like him.
I let the three of them do most of the talking and only acted as though I was paying attention. I didn't have the energy to pretend to care about what they were talking about and was happy when the bell finally rang, signaling the end of lunch.
I got up to throw away my empty bag and put my juice in my book bag. I was gonna leave but realized I was being a little too obvious with my feelings. If I give him the cold shoulder he's gonna know something's up and saying I'm tired isn't gonna work forever.
I waited for him and took his hand so we could walk out together along with Ash and Brooke.
"Hey Avery, could I ask you something?" Brooke asked.
"Sure." I said.
"I'll see you in chemistry, babe." Luke said and kissed my forehead.
"Okay." I nodded.
"I'll see you later too." Ash said, pecking Brooke's lips and walking off with Luke.
I want what they have so bad. I want a real relationship where the guy likes me for me.
"So what'd you want to ask me?" I asked as we began walking.
"When do you want to hang out? I want to get to know you a bit more." She said.
"Well I'm free this weekend." I said.
"Ash and I go out Friday nights so what about Saturday? We could go to the mall or go get our nails done or whatever you want to do."
"Saturday sounds good." I nodded.
We approached her class first. "Cool, so I'll see you later."
"Later." I said and made my way to my third period.
-
I was happy when chemistry finally rolled around. Not because I got to be next to Luke but because it was the last class before I could go home and take a nap. This day sucked and it probably wouldn't have if I didn't wake up this morning.
I sat at our lab table and texted Dylan as I waited for class to start.
"Hey, Avery."
I looked up to see a smiling Ashton and it made me smile my first real smile of the day.
"Hi." I smiled. His dimpled smile always made me happy no matter what.
Luke came in and my happiness was gone. I let him kiss my cheek but I tried not to enjoy it. The sooner I can get him out of my head the better.
Mr. Hilton started class by handing us our tests back.
"Good job." He said to me when he set my paper down. I flipped it over and saw I got a ninety.
"You did much better than me." Luke said as he stared at his own test.
I glanced over and saw his was a sixty-two. "It's okay, you'll get it eventually." I said.
"Wow Avery, you're pretty good at this stuff." Ashton commented.
"Thanks." I smiled. "How'd you do?"
"Not that great." He shook his head. "This is the one class I'm failing."
"Oh, I'm sorry. If you want, I could probably tutor you sometime."
"You'd do that?" He asked.
"Yeah, it's no big deal." I shrugged.
"I'm sure it'll be easier too, me learning from a smart and pretty girl such as yourself." He smiled.
I could feel myself getting warm and I hoped I wasn't turning too red.
"If you could not flirt with my girlfriend in front of me that'd be great." Luke cut in.
"I'm not flirting, Luke. I'm just complimenting her." Ashton stated.
I couldn't help but giggle a little. I don't know if it was because I was still thinking about his compliment or the tone he took with Luke.
"So are you free Wednesday?" Ashton asked.
"Yeah." I nodded. "Wednesday is fine."
-
The class flew by and I couldn't have been happier. I packed up my things and Luke and I walked out together with Ashton right behind us.
"Catch you later." Ashton winked at me before heading to find Brooke I assumed.
We went to our lockers and then out to his car to leave. I was silent because I had nothing to say to him. I usually enjoy talking to him and laughing at some stupid joke he'd tell me but right now there's nothing for us to talk about. I feel like if I do say something, my emotions will get the best of me so it's best that we stay like this.
He pulled up to my house and I unbuckled my seatbelt to get out.
"I can tell you're a little off. If you don't want to talk about it, fine, but just get some rest, okay?" He asked.
"Okay." I got out and headed to my front door.
*Luke's POV*
I watched her disappear into her house before backing out and heading home myself.
I don't know why she wasn't herself all day but I feel like I had something to do with it. Maybe she felt weird around me because of the stupid mistake I made Saturday. I enjoyed kissing her but I did it when it was just the two of us and I didn't want to send the wrong message. She can't know I like her because she likes Ash and a part of our deal was us not falling for one another.
The night was going great. My family seemed to be enjoying her, she looked to be having a good time; things were perfect. As it got late I took her home, we talked a bit and then I went in and kissed her. I don't know why I did it, I just did. She was obviously surprised too because her eyes were wide open.
I panicked and got out of there as quickly as I could. I avoided talking to her for the rest of the weekend because I needed time to think. I had to think of a good excuse or an apology so she knew that it meant nothing so she wouldn't find out my true feelings. It'd be the worst thing in the world if she found out how I really felt about her. I'd be humiliated because she doesn't feel the same way and then I could possibly lose her friendship and that's not a risk I'm willing to take.
When I got home, I went straight into the kitchen to grab a snack before heading up to my room.
She had been distant the entire day and I knew it was because she doesn't know how to feel about me because of that kiss. I made it weird and I hate it. We didn't talk and laugh like we usually do. When I touched her she was stiff. She didn't smile towards me as much and when she did, I could tell it was forced. I hope this doesn't last long because I miss the sweet, bubbly Avery that I started having feelings for.
I wish I hadn't came up with that stupid deal. But if I hadn't we would most likely still hate each other and then I'd have no leverage to get Brooke back. But honestly, if I was just a bit more patient, she'd probably end up leaving Ashton on her own.
He'll always be one of my best friends but the way he treats girls isn't right. He's with one but will be flirting with another, even if she has a boyfriend. Like when he was flirting with Avery earlier. As far as he knows, she's with me; but that didn't stop him from using his charm on her. I could feel the jealousy in the pit on my stomach and I wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face. He's dating the girl I care deeply about and flirting with another girl I like.
Now that I think about it, I sound pretty messed up. I like two girls and I can't pick one to go after.
I've known Brooke the longest, I know the most about her, and she's the first I've ever really cared for. She's beautiful, smart, funny, and just so perfect.
Avery comes along and changes me. I know I was a colossal asshole to everyone but I'm not like that anymore. She's a great person to talk to and laugh with, she makes me smile, and we have a lot of other things in common. She's beautiful, smart, funny- the same things I think about Brooke.
They're similar but still very different and I don't know which I like more. Brooke and I have history and the only history Avery and I have is us saying cruel things to one another.
But it doesn't matter how I feel or what I think about her. At the end of the day she likes Ash and not me. She only agreed to do this so she could be with him. The best thing for me to do is suppress my feelings until I'm with Brooke and then I can forget about her. We'll still hopefully be friends but the sooner I can stop feeling this way about her the better.