And you can see my heart beating,
You can see it through my chest,
Said I'm terrified but I'm not leaving,
RUSSIAN ROULETTE– RIHANNA
Theron
God do I know how Blaise is feeling right now. This kind of loss and pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.
"Blaise! Open the door!" Smitty Ray won't stop shouting and pounding on the door. We've been outside about two hours now and Bobby Ray has given up trying to get Smitty Ray to stop and was sitting on the stairs.
"Look, Theron and I are going home Smitty. Blaise clearly doesn't want to see us far less for you so..." Bobby stands and takes hold of my arm and practically drags me to the car.
"Why did you do that?" I asked Bobby Ray when we parked in the garage.
"Mom, dad and Ky won't be back till nine and Smitty won't be home till Blaise opens that door" and then his lips were on mine and I think I just died and went to heaven again.
"Meet me in my room." Bobby whispers against my lips and I'm left there panting till my brain rebooted and processed what he just said.
Before my foot could hit the first stair Bobby Ray had me trapped in his arms.
"You were taking too long." he says against my throat and carries me up the stairs and tosses me onto his bed.
Our clothes went flying and today I, Theron Monroe got my first blowjob.
"Bobby Ray?" I whispered hoping he didn't fall asleep holding me so tightly while we're both naked.
"Yea."
"What are we doing?" I asked staring at his ceiling. I'm scared. I'm freaking terrified.
Does he like me?
Is he using me?
Is he even gay?
Will we ever be anything more than this?
And what the hell was this exactly?
Am I an experiment to him?
"Hey." I snap back to myself when Bobby Ray shakes me a bit.
"Huh?" I asked dumbly and Bobby Ray strokes my cheek.
"Don't think about it so hard. We... I like you Theron." Bobby Ray mumbled and I jolted a bit. Shit, he can't like me.
I'm... I'm... well I scared. I don't know if I can love somebody only for them to leave me.
If I...
No.
I can't.
"You shouldn't. This is all fine and dandy what we're doing but we can't be anything more." I forced past my lips and Bobby Ray turned over properly to look at me.
"What do you mean?" he asked frowning at me.
"Come on man. You're not gonna announce to the world that we're a thing." I scoffed.
"Not right away no but one day maybe." Bobby Ray replies making my heart palpitate.
He can't possibly mean that and even if he does I can't take the chance.
"I'm fine with how we are Bobby Ray. I'm not a girl to want all that emotional crap." I say instead.
"What if I want something more than this? And you don't have to be a girl to want someone emotionally." Bobby Ray says and I scowl at him. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
"You don't know what you're saying Bobby Ray. This right now, it's all I have and am willing to offer you. Take it or leave it." wow. I sound so confident but on the inside I want to die and cry, mostly cry.
"You sound like me." Bobby Ray scowled back at me.
"What are you afraid of?" Bobby Ray asked looking at me. Right through me. I had to look away. I hate when he stares at me so. I feel like he sees the things I don't want anyone to see.
"Nothing. I just can't do relationships right now-"
"Bullshit! I call bullshit. I like you. I'm pretty sure you like me too. What's your problem?"
Woah woah woah... how did our roles get reversed?
Why is Bobby Ray so worked up about us being more than what we are?
"What are you so hyped up about? Dude we rubbed each other off once and we just blowed each other, that's it. We're not gonna go holding hands into the sunset while some Adele song plays in the background." I hope I sound as much a dick as I want to.
"And I don't have a problem." I climbed off his bed and started looking for my clothes.
"But obviously you do-"
"Then what's my problem huh? Since you obviously know me." which he doesn't.
"I know you're scared Theron. Scared that I'll leave you. You need to understand that your parents and sister didn't have a choice-"
"Shut up! Shut your fucking mouth! Don't talk about them! You don't fucking know them!" and I don't know what I was thinking when I launched myself onto the bed and tried strangling the life from Bobby Ray.
He has no right to talk about my family. He doesn't know them and he never will.
I was trying my best to scratch out Bobby Ray's eyes while he was trying to capture my hands and we grappled all over his bed.
"Don't talk about them!" Don't...
And it happened again. Those tears welled up and all the fight left me.
"Shh... it's alright baby." I wish he meant those words.
Maybe I was finally going through the final stage of grief; acceptance. Maybe not. But as the tears kept coming and my heart kept swelling with hurt I was glad Bobby Ray had me in his arms and held me as if holding me together and in some way he was.
"Why... Why do you want to be with me?" I asked quietly.
"Because I like you." Bobby Ray whispered.
"The first time I saw you was like... an explosion inside my chest and all you did was smile and fixed your glasses." I held my breath while Bobby Ray spoke softly.
"I never got the chance to tell you until now and I like what we have. I like what we could have." Bobby Ray shifted and that breath I was holding left me in a whoosh when Booby Ray looked me in the eyes.
"Will you be my boyfriend Theron?" my skin felt clammy and my heart thundered so hard it was the only sound I could hear.
"I promise I'll never leave you unless you ask me to." he added and shifted closer to me until we were nose to nose.
I bit my lower lip contemplating my answer. We'll have to keep this a secret and I could live with that. I don't need anybody else to know my business and I like this guy I'm lying with right now, I like how he's looking at me, I like how he's touching me. I'm brave enough to take what he's offering for now.
I nodded absently and whispered yes. Bobby Ray is on me in a flash kissing me like he'll never kiss anybody else ever again.
We remain like that for a while. Just touching and kissing each other. I could tell Bobby Ray wanted sex and I did too but I can't. Not yet at least, god, I'm not that thirsty even if Bobby Ray is a freezing cold glass of water.
Maybe we will one day but I'm not giving up my ass just because a guy says he likes me no matter how hot he is or how much I like him.
I just hope I remember all that when we're naked again.
Dry lightning cracks across the skies,
Those storm clouds gather in his eyes,
There's not enough rain in Oklahoma,
To wash the sins out of that house,
There's not enough wind in Oklahoma,
To rip the nails out of the past,
BLOWN AWAY- CARRIE UNDERWOOD
Blaise
I always thought I'd feel numb, maybe shocked. I mean I was expecting it but I can't even feel numb. I can't feel anything other than alone and I'm so used to feeling alone that it doesn't bother me. I welcome it because it's been the only steady thing in my life.
I remain with her for a while just watching her face. The peacefulness, the strain gone from the corners of her mouth, that constant furrow of her brows smoothed out and I felt relived for a second that she's no longer suffering.
"Blaise." Dr. Lee placed a hand on my shoulder, his face full of sympathy.
"I'm sorry son." I just nodded.
"I know this is probably a bad time but your mother made me pinky swear so please follow me to my office-"
"Dr. Li what's going on?" my entire body was on fire at the sound of his voice. I glared at the bastard and narrowed my eyes at him. His tie was crooked, lipstick stains on his shirt collar and he was flushed from head to toes.
"Well father dear while you were screwing another of your sluts your wife died." I spat and my father gave me an unsavory once over.
"Don't you dare speak to me like that you little faggot." my father hissed stepping close to me and I stepped closer to him.
"Or what you waste of fucking space?" I countered venomously.
"Mr. White, Blaise. Please follow me to my office." Dr. Li said sternly breaking my dad and I from our stare down.
My father strode confidently behind Dr. Li and I ran back quickly to mom's room and kissed her forehead and ran back to Dr. Lee's office in time to see my father drop into a chair.
"A few years ago Jasmin wrote this letter and made her final Will and Testament leaving me the Executor of her Estate." Dr. Li says taking a file out of his desk and opened it.
"What?" Dad shouted and stood only for Dr. Li to ask him politely to sit back down or he wouldn't be part of the reading.
"She asked me to give this letter to Blaise." and he pushed the sealed envelope towards me and I took it with trembling fingers.
"She says to open it when you think you're ready." Dr. Li smiled softly at me.
"Jasmin's Will states that she is leaving all of her properties, her shares in the Companies and all her accounts solely to Blaise-"
"What! That's bullshit!" Dad roars but Dr. Li went on shutting my dad up with a sharp look.
"She also wishes that you Mr. White remain CEO until Blaise attains the age of twenty-five whereby you will either resign, retaining ten shares in the company or accept another position in the companies retaining twenty shares while Blaise takes your position of CEO." Dr. Li looks at dad from behind his glasses.
"This is fucked up! I should get the companies!" dad yelled and Dr. Lee stood.
"You deserve nothing of Jasmin's!" Dr. Li exploded.
"Everything you have belongs to her and she has disposed of it all according to her wishes. She also left you a condo Mr. White which is more than you deserve you sorry excuse of a husband and father. Now if you would please get out of my hospital I will forward all the documents pertaining to Jasmin's Estate when the time comes." Dr. Li spits and Dad glares at the both of us before stomping off.
"Blaise. Your mom put in a clause that if you don't want to run the Companies you can sell them or appoint someone to run them like what your dad was doing." Dr. Li says softly and I just nodded.
"Your mom didn't want a burial she wanted a cremation and already made arrangements." my vision blurred and I clutched at the envelope in my hands.
"It's at L. Pillam Funeral Home." he hands me a brochure of some sort.
"The date and time is already there." I nodded and slowly left the office.
"I'll take you home." I flinched at my Dad's gruff voice and I followed him to his car. He drove in silence to our- my house and I got out quickly when he pulled in the drive way.
"Email me where you want your things sent to." I muttered and slammed the door shut.
"This is my house too you little faggot-"
"This is MY fucking house and I don't want you in it!" I snarled.
"Get your things and fucking leave you asshole and don't ever come back. Go stay with one of your nasty disease infected whores-" my breath hitched when he grabbed my arm and shook me.
"Don't you dare speak to me in such a way you little queer-" I spit in his face the moment the word left his mouth and he returned with a backhand making me shout in both pain and surprise.
"Let go of me!" I seethed trying to get out of his hold but he held my arm tighter.
"Dad! You're hurting me! Let go!" a few tears escaped my eyes the tighter he squeezed.
"Look at you! You're not my son you fucking sissy!" he slapped me again and I tasted blood.
"You can't even take a little roughing up! What'll you do Blaise? Cry like a little bitch at everything?" He shouts in my face, little spittle flying out his mouth when he pushed me up against his car.
"Huh sissy boy?" he slammed my back against the side of the car and I yelled in pain, tears streaming now while all my pleas for him to let me go went unheard in his fit of rage.
"Daddy please stop! You're hurting me!" I cried trying to get away from his hold.
"You're not my son! You're just a fucking freak only your mother could love!" his hands came around my throat and he squeezed so hard I could barely get air into my lungs. My feet left the ground and all I could ask myself is why?
Why is he doing this?
Why doesn't he love me?
Why did mom have to get sick?
Why am I alone?
I tried to pull his hands away from around my neck but he was just too strong. Too strong as his face filled with such hatred and disgust for me came in and out of my vision.
Why does he hate me so?
I gave up struggling with him and just released myself and closed my eyes. I gave up thinking I'll see my mom again soon.
She'll be as beautiful as she always is and I'll hear her voice without it filled with pain and maybe she'll sing that lullaby to me again.
Something jolted me and I think I fell on my back when I opened my eyes and saw only blue. Such a pretty shade of blue like Smitty Ray's eyes.
I'm coming mom.
I smiled at the thought wondering what that faint thudding in my ears is.
A/N
Hey, late update again, but hey, better late than never huh?
SuzettePeters
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