"That's why I'm calling, Lauren. They've just got in touch with me... I'm afraid Alejando died about ten minutes ago..."
She didn't say anything, her mind racing like crazy at the gravity of Sinu's words. Alejandro Cabello, dead... Jesus!
"Lauren, are you still there?"
"I'm here, Sinu," she said softly, "please accept my condolences."
"Thank you, Lauren. I appreciate that."
"Would you like me to tell Camila?" she asked, knowing that was why she was calling.
"No, Lauren, but I'm afraid I may have to. I'd prefer to tell her myself, but she doesn't deserve to hear this like I did; not over the phone. It was bad enough that I heard it that way,"
"I'll do it, Sinu" she said sadly, "I know Camila and Alejandro weren't that close, but..."
"...but this will be hard on her, Lauren. I want you to know that. She spent most of her life searching for her dad's approval..."
"I understand, Sinu" she said as her voice tailed off, "it's all right. Does Sofi know?"
"She does, she's with me now. We're on the way to the hospital, we're just waiting for the chopper to pick us up,"
"Is that where you'd like me to take Camila? To the hospital?"
"I think that's the best thing to do, Lauren. I think we all need to say goodbye. I'm really sorry to ask this of you, Lauren. I know it's a huge burden to place on your shoulders."
"It's fine, Sinu, don't fret about it," she told her, trying to take at least that worry from the woman. After all, it's not as if she's unaccustomed to delivering bad news to people she loves.
"No, Lauren, it's really not fine. I should be doing this myself I know; but I am glad you're there and I'm glad that Camila will hear this face to face from someone that cares for her. Look after my daughter for me, will you please? I'll see you as soon as I can."
"I will, Sinu, take care... if there's anything I can do please let me know."
"You are already doing more than I should ask of you Lauren, thank you again."
Sinu hung up on her after that. There was nothing else for them to say, nothing more that needed to be said. She had to admire the strength the woman was demonstrating, thinking of her family above all things. She only hoped that Camila had inherited that same strength; she would probably need it.
She looked down at her phone thoughtfully. She needed to let Camila know, needed to interrupt this meeting in as diplomatic a manner as she could. Duty said that she needed to let Dinah or Normani know about Alejandro's death, but honor said that Camila was her priority.
She put the phone into her pocket with a sigh and prepared herself for what was to come. With a deep breath, she knocked on the door to the conference room and twisted the handle.
All eyes were upon her as she stepped into the room. In an ideal world, this would have been done discretely. However, she had to break this party up right now.
"Excuse me, Miss Cabello. I need a moment of your time," she said formally, "I'm afraid it's urgent."
"We're nearly finished here, Miss Jauregui," Camila replied, not looking happy at her interruption. "Can't it wait?"
She shook her head, "Ms. Hansen has an urgent call for you from one of our contacts in Baghdad. I'm afraid she's calling on a satellite phone and this is the only time she can do. It is quite important you speak to her, ma'am, I wouldn't have interrupted otherwise."
She mentally crossed her fingers and hoped that Camila wouldn't question her hastily created story. To her relief, she nodded and stacked the papers in front of her.
"Right, I'd better deal with this. I'll expect status reports from you all by the end of the afternoon," the brunette said standing and tucking her paperwork under her arm. "Ally, Nigel, could you finish up here for me, please?"
She held open the door as Camila walked past her, her air of professional aura fixed firmly in place, and followed her down the corridor to her office; actually thankful that the girl didn't seem to want to talk to her right then. As they approached her door, Camila waited for her and smiled, their ritual of letting Lauren 'sweep the room' before she went in well established by now.
"Damn, how many missed calls!" Camila said after Lauren gestured her in, walking straight over to her desk and picking up her shiny new Blackberry from where she had left it. "Wonder what Mami wants that's so urgent?"
"Camila," she said, crossing the room quickly as the brunette pressed buttons on the keypad, "Camila!"
"What, Lauren?" Camila said as she pressed the phone to her ear, quickly Lauren ran around the desk and took the phone off her; hanging up on the call before Sinu answered.
"Damn it, Lauren, what the hell is going on with you? Give me my phone back, Dinah can wait for two fucking seconds while I find out what Mami wants."
"Camila, I lied about the phone call," she said placing the phone down on her desk and standing in front of her, "I haven't spoken to Dinah. I needed to talk to you, ok? I'm afraid I've got some news, please, baby... sit."
Camila looked at her strangely, sitting down as she suggested. "What's going on, baby?" she said her big eyes filled with doubts.
"I've just spoken to you mother, babe," she said kneeling down in front of Camila and taking her hands gently. "There's no easy way for me to do this," she said sighing, "She told me that your father was admitted to Baptist Hospital this morning with a suspected heart attack..."
The color drained from Camila's face as she spoke, "Is... is he ok?" she interrupted her hands grabbing Lauren's hands painfully.
The moment had come. She'd had to tell her team about losing people before, had to tell loved ones about a friend's loss. They were all tough to do, more than tough, but nothing prepared her for what she had to do now; tell the woman she loved the most horrible news she could think of, tell her about the death of a parent.
Losing her mom had been the worst thing that had happened to her; waking up and finding that her mom had passed in the night had left her with a hole in her life that hadn't ever been filled. Despite Camila's contempt for her father and his actions, Lauren knew what she was about to tell her would hurt her deeply. She knew from bitter personal experience that no matter how much you say you hate them, there's always love left for your parents; no matter how deeply it's buried.
"...is he going to be all right?" Camila asked, her hands still crushing Lauren's, almost certainly suspecting that she wasn't the bearer of good tidings, maybe hoping that the news she had wasn't as bad as she suspected.
"I'm so sorry, Camila," she said finally, shattering her hopes with four little words. "Your mother told me that the hospital called her about fifteen minutes ago. He didn't make it, mi amor. I'm so very, very sorry."
Camila stared at her for what felt like hours, her brown eyes searching Lauren's face for the signs of a sick joke, the signs that it wasn't the truth. She did her best to remain strong as she watched her girl's heart break in front of her, as she saw a single tear escape from her eye.
"Thank you, Lolo," Camila said finally, taking a deep breath before releasing her and wiping the tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. "That can't have been easy for you, babe. I appreciate you telling me personally."
"Your mom wanted to tell you herself, baby," she replied, "but she didn't want to do it over the phone, she wanted someone to tell you face to face."
"I understand babe, it's ok," Camila said sounding unnaturally calm. "I'll call her in a second. I assume she's on the way here?"
"To the hospital," she said sadly, "She and Sofi are flying over now. I said I'd take you to meet them."
"Um," Camila mused, "it'll have to wait for a while. I've got far too much to do right now."
"You sure?" she asked softly, "It's not a problem, you know."
"No, I'm sure... thank you, Lauren. I'll need to make some arrangements here. There are people who will have to know, e-mails I'll have to send. I'd appreciate it if you didn't let this slip to anyone here,"
"Of course," she replied simply.
Camila patted her on the arm, her hands resting on Camila's knees, "Thank you. I think the news would be better coming from me. I assume you'll need to talk to Dinah, or Normani, let them know the news,"
"I will, yes," she said standing, taking Camila's words as a dismissal of sorts. "If you need me, you know where I am."
"I do, thanks, Lauren," Camila replied picking up her phone once more and ignoring her. She made her way out into her office and sat down with her laptop, typing an e-mail to Dinah as fast as her fingers could type. She'd got a strange look from Ally as she walked in from Camila's office, but she didn't say a word; it wasn't her place to tell her what was going on.
It wasn't just that, though. She didn't feel like speaking because honestly, she was more than a little bit worried about Camila. She didn't know how the brunette was going to react to the news, but she knew that at some point, she would; once she managed to break free of the numbing desolation that currently, understandably, seemed to be consuming her.
She vowed, no matter what happened, she would be there for her, in any way she needed her to be. Camila could scream at her, cry on her, or kick the living crap out of her if it helped, it wouldn't matter, not to her. All she wanted was to help her in any way she could. She has seen grief enough times in her past to know that everyone reacts differently, to know that how one deals with the loss is a personal thing.
Luis used to get loud and annoying, using his stupid sarcastic humor as a shield from the pain, trying to convince them all that it didn't matter. Chunks used to get angry, walking away from everyone and returning minutes later, his knuckles red and bruised. Langdon used to bottle it all up before exploding into a frenzy of barked orders, desperate to keep them all active so we didn't fall apart...
Lauren? She did what she usually did, withdrew into her head and tried to shut it away. As a release, she used to hit a pool, or a gym, or anywhere she could lose herself in the pain of exhaustion, somewhere she could just forget. After Luis died, she'd done all of that and more, adding fucking her way to oblivion to the list, pushing the pain behind me in Lucy's willing arms.
It was a little over half an hour later when Ally started to cry, the blip of her inbox that preceded it telling her that the news was now public. She looked up at Lauren accusingly who just lowered her eyes, what else could she do?
"You've heard, then?" she asked, getting a sniff and a nod in return.
"Is that why you interrupted the meeting?" Ally asked accusingly, her eyes red.
"Yes," she answered,
"It's horrible, isn't it? Poor, poor Camila. How did she take it?"
"As well as can be expected," she said cryptically. "I think she wanted to make sure everyone knew as soon as possible."
"She's just sent an e-mail to all staff, a heart attack? But he was such a fit man, so healthy... it's unbelievable,"
"Yeah," she agreed helplessly, "it's a terrible thing."
"I can't believe it..." Ally started to say before they were interrupted by the ringing of her phone. Quickly, she answered it and sat in silence for a few minutes listening in; before waving across at Lauren, flicking on her speaker phone.
"...and I need you all to organize meetings with our suppliers, customers and anyone else we have dealings with as soon as possible, we need to ensure that they know we are not a rudderless ship; we need to make it absolutely clear to everyone that Cabello Industries is business as usual.
We are not losing a single fucking client over this and we're not losing out on future contracts either. Heads will fucking roll if you fuck this up, people, so let's make my father proud. Ally, could you liaise with everyone and let me know what's going on?"
"I'll get right on that, Camila" Ally said shaking her head at Lauren sadly, concern filling her eyes.
"Miss Jauregui, are you there?"
"Right here, Miss Cabello," she said speaking up so Camila could hear her.
"Good, I'm going to need you to take me to meet with my family in a bit, if that's convenient?"
"Of course it is, Miss Cabello. I'm at your immediate disposal as usual."
"Good, thank you. I'm going to need ten minutes of your time as well when we're done here. I need to know how today's tragic news will impact on the trip to Iraq,"
"Not a problem. I'll get some figures together now and let you know."
"Your best guess will do. I know this isn't something you and your team will have planned for..."
Camila continued to talk for the next five minutes, outlining her plan for her team and the heads of department that she had on the phone. Like a good soldier, Camila had stepped up and took charge; the standard bearer might have fallen, but she had picked up the flag and was leading them forwards. Lauren doesn't think she could have been more proud of her strength, and more concerned for her fortitude.
She continued to listen as she stepped back to her desk and started firing e-mails to the team at Head Office, asking how they thought the risks might change, and for an idea on an updated plan of attack. She didn't have a lot of real world information by the time Camila's call ended, but her mind was made up on how they were going to do it; like Camila had said, it was business as usual.
She grabbed her penciled thoughts and a couple of e-mails from the risk analysis team at Close Protection and knocked on Camila's door, getting a muffled 'come in' from inside. With a sympathetic smile from Ally, she opened the door and stepped inside.
"Close the door, Lauren," Camila said, not from her desk, but from the couch in the corner where she was sat with her phone in her hand, "take a seat, please."
"I don't have a full plan yet, Camila" she said as she put her notes down on the table in front of her and sat down, "but I have a thing about the logistics of the trip..."
"Lauren?" Camila interrupted, a slight quaver to her voice, "I don't give a flying fuck about the trip, I just... please..." She stopped speaking and looked at the brunette, seeing her eyes full of unshed tears. Without thinking, she opened her arms and Camila fell into her, sobbing violently, the floodgates well and truly broken. Camila didn't babble as she cried, didn't try to speak to her about anything at all; she simply cried her heart out until there was nothing left; and all Lauren could do was hold her tight and try to reassure her.
She doesn't do comforting people. She's no good at comforting people, she never have been; but for Camila, she'll do her very best.
She sat on the couch in the corner of the office and stroked her hair, muttering nonsense and telling her how much she loved her. She had no idea if that was the right thing to do, but it seemed to work, seemed to calm her somewhat, seemed to do the job.
"Camz?" she ventured tentatively when the girl eventually stopped crying.
"I'm ok, Lo, I'll be ok... it's, it's just a bit of a shock, you know? Could you... would you take me to see Mami? Please?"
"Of course, baby. I'll take you right now if that's what you want."
"Not just yet, babe," Camila said holding her tightly as if she would never let go, her voice breaking once more. "I think I need a few minutes first."
"Whatever you need, mi amor, whenever you're ready."
o+o+o
They got a few funny looks from the staff as she escorted Camila through the building, her arm wrapped protectively around her, Camila's arm around her waist. She walked her down through the reception; her best sergeant's face on, driving away all comers with a stern look and a hard glare.
Camila didn't need the false sympathy and platitudes that were likely to come from the employees of Cabello industries; later perhaps she would have to endure it, but definitely not now, not while Lauren's around anyway. It's her job to protect her from everyone and everything as she sees fit; as genuine and well-meaning as some of those people might have been.
They didn't bother taking her truck, opting instead for a taxi that Ally had called down to the main building receptionist to arrange for her. Driving was going to be somewhat difficult with her arms full of Camila, and she wasn't letting go of her girl until she wanted her to. Not that it looked like that was going to be anytime soon.
The journey to the hospital seemed to take hours as they crawled through the Friday lunchtime traffic jam. Camila was curled up against her in the back of the cab, a veritable death grip on her arm. She hadn't said a word since asking Lauren to take her to the hospital, presumably lost in her thoughts, or her memories.
"We're here, babe," she told her as they pulled up outside the main entrance to the hospital. She'd only been here once before, heading for Accident and Emergency on a cold March night, trying to get a set of knuckles taped up, knuckles she'd damaged on a hefty Russian wannabe gangster.
As she paid the cabbie and led Camila inside, she realized that she didn't have a clue where to go or what to do.
"Uhm, excuse me," she said walking up to the desk marked 'Information'. "I wonder if you can help me."
"I can try," the elderly woman behind the desk said smiling, "what can I do for you?"
"We're looking for Alejandro Cabello," she said, "he was brought in this morning. This is his daughter and, uhm, well, we don't know what to do or where to go?"
"How so?" she asked patiently, staring at Camila.
"We were told that he died not longer after he was admitted," she said quietly, "that's all we really know. His wife is on her way with the rest of the family, unless she's already here, we're not really sure."
"I'll see what I can find out for you," the woman said sympathetically, "if you would like to follow me I'll take you somewhere you can wait."
She and Camila sat for what seemed like an eternity in the hospital's quiet room, its multicultural symbols and endless pamphlets the only decorations. Eventually, the door opened and someone walked in.
"Hello, my name's Adam," a man said holding out the ID on his lanyard and extending his hand to Lauren. "I'm here to help you in any way I can at this difficult time. Can I ask... are you a relative?"
"I'm not," she said glancing at the girl in her arms, "but this is Mr. Cabello's daughter Camila."
"Hello, Camila, please accept my condolences for your loss," Adam said his voice soft and calming. He reminded Lauren of their unit chaplain in Afghanistan, softly spoken and permanently calm; no matter what had happened. Adam was just as useful, in his own way, as he spoke to Camila about what was going to happen; he was confident and reassuring and everything Lauren hadn't been when they arrived.
As he chatted away, her phone vibrated and she slipped away from Camila as gently as she could. Trying to be respectful, she walked across the room, answered it, and heard Sinu's voice talking to someone before finally she spoke to her.
"Hello, Lauren, where are you, are you at the hospital yet?"
"We're in the quiet room on the first floor, Sinu" she said quietly. "There's someone with Camila now talking about things. I think they're waiting for you to arrive actually; he's asked her if she's the next of kin."
"Well, we're here now, dear, we'll be with you in a few minutes... stay strong for her, Lauren."
"I will," she promised as Sinu hung up, looking back at Camila who was staring at her quizzically. "Your mother," she told her, "she says she'll be here in a few minutes."
"and Sofi?" Camila asked wiping her eyes again.
"I'm sure she's still with her, babe," she said as she sat down on the plastic chair next to her; Camila's hand finding hers insistently, "they'll be here very soon I'm sure."
They were as well; and it wasn't too long before she felt like a spare wheel, the family coming together as only families can at times of tragedy. Camila and Sofi fell into each others arms the second the latter walked through the door and Lauren was pushed firmly to one side as they shared their grief in their own way. It was nice to see them find solace in each other, sharing something special that they had lost and now, perhaps, had found.
"How are they holding up?" she asked Rachel as they stood outside the room, allowing the Cabellos their grief in private.
"Miss Sofi seems in a bad way," she said shaking her head, "Mrs. Cabello is being brave I think. She's a very strong woman,"
"That she is," Lauren agreed, "that she most certainly is."
The rest of the day was lost in the process of dealing with the death. She was struggling a little as they went through the formal identification, Alejandro's body being laid out in the hospitals chapel of rest for the family to view. She had excused herself from almost everything, much to her shame, the memories the process evoked were far too familiar, far too sharp, and far too painful.
The only 'bright' part of the day was that, like her mom, there were no reported complications with the death; no need to subject the family to the added pain and delay of an extended post mortem investigation. Alejandro had died of cardiac failure, pure and simple; the tragic, senseless loss caused by a second massive heart attack.
He was in the right place, but there was simply nothing anyone could have done; he was already weakened after the first attack they were told and the second was too much for his shattered body to take.
No crime, no terrorist act, no reason to be suspicious about it at all; it was nothing more than the failing of his own body and somehow that made it harder to take.
After the identification had been done, all that was left to be done was receive the paperwork and arrange for the body to be collected by the funeral home and for the family to make their way from the hospital to somewhere less sterile, somewhere they could continue to grieve away from prying eyes.
The time for details was over, now it was the time for family; and, for the first time in a long time, and probably rightly, she wasn't included.
o+o+o
"How you holding up, Sarge?" Normani asked as Lauren sat on the street outside the flat, her ass planted on the step of the entrance, her back against the wall.
"I'm ok, boss," she told her, "a little tired, it's been a bit of a shock for everyone, you know?"
"It's terrible, how's the family doing?" Dinah asked, handing the huge bunch of flowers in her arms to Normani.
"How do you think?" she replied as Dinah snatched the cigarette from her lips and held it up in front of her.
"I imagine they're pretty fucked up and in need of their friends and loved ones around them, people like you. You quit remember?" she added throwing Lauren's unlit cigarette away, "What the hell are you doing out here?"
"Getting some air," she replied taking a breath, "that was my only one, I stole it from Rachel."
"...and you thought you'd come out here and smoke it," Dinah said angrily, dragging Lauren to her feet. "Jesus, Lauren, Camila deserves better than that, why aren't you in there with her?"
"No lighter," she said holding out her arms, and ignoring her question. "Search me if you like."
"What's going on, Lauren?" Dinah said seriously, placing her hands on Lauren's arms and pressing them down firmly.
"The family are upstairs, boss. Rachel is with them right now. I'm on watch out here, trying to be inconspicuous. Now if you'll excuse me," she said sitting down again, "I'll get back to the job you pay me for"
It was a half truth. Rachel was on duty upstairs, but she wasn't really on watch down here. There was nothing really to watch out for. Still, it was a convenient cover, a cover from what was really bothering her.
"How long have you been out here, Lauren?" Dinah asked as she settled down again; shuffling herself against the brick wall until she was comfortable again. It was a comforting feeling, it was like old times, only she was better dressed, less well-equipped, the weather was better, and so were the surroundings.
"What time is it?" she asked as she sat back in the sun, adjusting her aviators until they were comfortable.
"Two-thirty," Dinah replied looking at her watch.
"What day?"
The two shared a look before Dinah spoke again, "Saturday, Lauren, as you well know."
She shrugged, the rough brickwork scraping against her shirt, grazing her skin through the thin material. "A few hours," she told them.
"How many hours is a few, Lauren?" Dinah pressed, keeping on at her like a dog with her favorite bone.
"Not many," she replied vaguely, "six or seven, maybe ten; fifteen at the most."
"Lauren," Dinah and Normani both said, disappointment in their voices.
"Look, there's fuck all room up there. The entire fucking family is in there and I'm making sure they're ok," she lied again. "They're a pretty tasty target right now and we need someone being the perimeter guard and for now, that's me. Now, go on, fuck off before you blow my cover."
"What's your cover, Lauser?" Dinah said, and she knew instantly that the woman didn't believe a word of what she had said.
"It's summertime, boss," she said twisting her arms until the pale underarms showed; "I'm sunbathing... what does it look like?"
Dinah laughed and pulled Normani away from her, her face showing that she too was not convinced. She watched them walk to the elevators and press the button, quite obviously talking about her; their body language telling her all she needed to know. She didn't care; they could talk about they all they liked as long as they left her alone. She really wasn't in the mood to be sociable today...
Friday had been a difficult day, much to her surprise. She wasn't surprised it would be difficult... far from it, what she was surprised at was how hard Camila's rejection had been on her.
Camila hadn't meant it like that, she knows. She hadn't meant to blank her, to disregard her completely like slave; but she wanted to help her, she wanted to be there for her. She knew the pain of the loss of a parent like no other person in that flat, yet they had closed off into family ranks and she was, once more, the hired help.
It hurt a little, more than a little in fact, but she was used to being hurt. She'd spent her whole life suffering that particular pain.
She thinks that it hurt a little bit more because for the first time in years, she had let someone else deep into her life. Camila fucking Cabello had forced her way deep into her heart and set up camp there. She had let her pitch her tent and make herself comfortable, she had helped her through her own agony and, at the time when she wanted nothing more than to help her, to comfort her in her pain, Camila rejected her.
She cut her out of her life and replaced her with what she knew, replaced her with her sister and her mother; replaced her with the comfort of her family. She couldn't blame her, but it did hurt.
So she found herself here, sat on the streets again. Now that the refuge of the army isn't there for her anymore, when all goes to shit in her life, this is probably where she was destined to end up.
Still, it was a constant; it was something that couldn't be taken away from her, not ever.
The streets were now a refuge from the things that hurt her and she would always love, as well as hate them for it.
Time rolled by, as it always does and she started to feel the slight pangs of hunger as she sat in front of the entrance to Camila's flat, resolute in her solitude. She did her best to ignore the hunger. To be honest, it was an easy task. She'd been hungry so many times before.
The two things that she remembered so clearly from her time on the streets were hunger and cold. She could ignore the one and she could fight against the other. She had fought against the cold last night; sat where she was from late evening, through the early morning hours and into the today. Cold was ok though, as was the hunger. She could handle them both easily. She just couldn't handle the rest.
"I thought you might want something to drink?" Dinah said as she appeared beside her, sitting on the step next to her and handing her a steaming mug. "Pretty messed up in there, right?"
She nodded, taking a sip of the piping hot cup of tea Dinah had brought her, and savoring the taste, "so, why are you down here really, Lauren?"
"No space up there," she said, "everyone's on top of one another and the family need their space right now."
"And you're feeling a little left out?" Dinah asked cutting straight to the chase. She simply shrugged by way of reply.
"You know, I expected Sofi to be a mess, but I never expected Camila to take it so hard," Dinah said leaning a shoulder against her. "I never thought her and her father were that close."
"Makes sense to me," she told her shrugging once more.
"Care to explain?"
She sighed and shook her head; as much as she liked Dinah, she wasn't really in the mood for chatting, wasn't prepared to discuss Camila's unreciprocated love for her father.
"You need to go back upstairs, Lauren," the woman said finally after they'd sat in the bright afternoon sun for another few minutes. "Camila needs you."
"She has her family, DJ," she told her, "her family is what she needs right now. When she wants me, she knows where I am."
"Hiding downstairs," Dinah said accusingly, standing up and offering her hand.
"If you want to think that, yes," she replied, ignoring her hand and folding her arms.
"You're a stubborn idiot sometimes, Lauren," Dinah said shaking her head. "I'll bring you some food down."
"I'm ok," she told her with a smile, lying again. "Not much of an appetite today."
"I'll get you something anyway," Dinah said walking away before she could reply again, vanishing into the building, and leaving her to think about her words in peace.
She sent a quick text upstairs to Normani, using the opportunity of her arrival as an opportunity to get away from the building without feeling guilty about reducing their security; suggesting that Rachel take her place on perimeter duty. She got a single word as a reply and she knew instantly that Dinah had her phone, 'whatever' not being a phrase she'd expect to hear from Normani.
After one more lap of Camila's building to reassure herself that all was still well, she made her way through the park. She knew it was a good idea the moment she stepped through the gate and saw the faint gleam of the boating lake in front of her. She was contemplating a quick lap of that lake, convinced that a brisk walk around the water being just the thing to help clear her head. However, as soon as she got to the far side of the bridges, a better plan came to mind, the dappled shade of the trees in the distance seeming an attractive place for a little rest.
The park was full of activity today, the warm weather bringing people out in their droves to play in the sun. Kids, couples, every man and his dog, quite literally, were out in force; kicking balls, throwing sticks or just lounging around sunbathing and listening to music.
Something she really wanted to do right now, lounge around and relax.
After a bit of a search, she found herself a quiet space under a tall tree, as far from the madding crowds as she could without losing the sun too much. As she sat down and snuggled back into the rough bark, she felt her body relax for the first time since that phone call; and, as weariness overtook her, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to sleep.
o+o+o
The sun was sinking low on the horizon when she finally woke, the buzzing of her phone intruding on a tormented dream; not her usual nightmare, but nothing especially pleasant either. She fumbled for the screen, eyes still struggling to focus, and pressed the button to answer.
"Hello," she said groggily, "Lauren Jauregui speaking,"
She wiped her eyes with her free hand and looked around her. The park was less crowded that it had been when she arrived. She could see more of the grass exposed as she blinked into the sunlight trying to clear her head.
"Lolo?" she heard a raspy and sad sounding voice ask, a hint of worry in there too.
"Camila?" she replied sitting up and blinking rapidly, "what's wrong?"
"Where are you?" Camila asked, her voice sounding, unsurprisingly, crushed.
"I'm in the park," she apologized, stating what she thought the brunette would already know, her message to Normani being plain and simple. "I thought you knew,"
"I need you, babe. Why aren't you here?"
"I'll be there before you know it, baby," she told her, on her feet and already running towards the flat.
"Hurry, baby, please," Camila said and she could hear her crying as she spoke, comforting words being spoken next to her as the line went dead.
It had taken her ten minutes to walk to the park, and another five to get to her shady tree. She made it back to the flat in less than seven, breathing heavily as she pushed the key into the door. She'd barely taken two steps into the hallway when she was shoved up against the wall by an angry looking Sofi.
"Where the fuck have you been, bitch?" she shouted, shoving her face into her with eyes flashing with rage.
"Outside," she replied as calmly as she could, her heart still racing from the run here, her legs burning from her sprint up the stairs. She was trying to understand her position, emotions had, with good reason, been running high since they had all met up, and she'd bitten her lip more than once at shitty comments that had been directed her way; one more reason why she'd needed to take herself away from the situation; "where's Camila?"
"She's in her room," Sofi snapped, "where you should fucking be... you're supposed to be her girlfriend, aren't you?"
"I think you both made it perfectly clear where I should be Sofi," she replied, holding back her hurt and frustration as best she could, watching her step back slightly. "I only did what you asked me to do. I gave you the space you said you needed, that's all."
Sofi looked at her appraisingly. She could almost see the cogs turning over in her head, rerunning the conversation from the night before. It had been a fraught time when they told her to fuck off and leave them be. She didn't resent it. She knew how it was when people were upset like that. She'd pretty much said the same thing to the people that had constantly approached her after her mom died, and she'd hated it when they didn't take her at their word.
It was only after she left the room, placing the pot of tea she'd brewed back into the kitchen that she realized how much those words had hurt, and she wondered how many people she'd hurt doing the same thing all those years ago.
"She's asking for you," Sofi replied, not sounding quite so angry.
"I know," she told her, "I'm going now. Look, I'm sorry I wasn't here, but I thought you all needed to be together, and that you needed the space. How are you doing, Sofi?"
"Shit," the girl said and she could see the pain replace the anger, "just like everyone else, but I'll be ok,"
"I'm glad, Sofi," she said placing a hand on her arm. "If there's anything I can do for you, for any of you, just let me know, ok?"
"Just look after Kaki, Lauren," Sofi said grabbing her and hugging her tightly, "just look after my big sister like you promised you would."
"I'll do that," she said hugging her back, her awkwardness returning, "I'll keep my promise, I'll do everything I need to do to keep her safe, whatever that means."
"Does it get any easier, Lauren?" Sofi asked with a sob, not needing to explain further her sudden exclamation. She thought about her answer carefully; wanting to lie to her, but knowing that it wouldn't be right or fair.
"No," she told her shaking her head, hating herself for telling the truth, "it doesn't. Well, it hasn't for me anyway. I still miss my mom and there's not a day that goes by that I don't."
Sofi let go of her and stepped backwards slightly, looking at her. She placed a hand on her shoulder, doing her best to be comforting, despite the bitter honesty.
"It does get less painful, though," she said knowing of what she spoke, "as time goes by, the pain gets less; it never goes away, but it does diminish. You'll have good days and bad days along the way, but that's how it should be with loved ones I think; it stops you forgetting them, and that's what's important. It is to me anyway."
Sofi nodded at her with tears in her eyes before stepping forward and hugging her tightly again, almost taking her breath away. They stood like that for a few seconds before she released her and pushed her away. "Go on then," she said tears running down her face, "you need to be somewhere else right now."
She nodded and walked down the hallway towards the bedroom, catching Dinah and Normani's eyes as they stood in the kitchen and glancing back towards the Sofi. Dinah nodded as she stood outside Camila's bedroom and knocked on the door before entering. To her relief, Dinah had understood her veiled message and, as she opened the door, she saw her follow Sofi into the living room, carrying two steaming mugs. Sofi needed a friend right now, she didn't deserve to be alone.
o+o+o
The bedroom was dark as she walked in, the light seeping in from the hallway behind her extinguished the second she closed the door. It took a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the dim light, but in that short time, she'd already walked over and sat next to the tiny figure that was sat on the bed with her arms wrapped tightly around her legs.
"Hey," she said softly, "you said you needed me."
"Yeah, where were you?"
"I was in the park, babe, getting some air. I'm sorry I was so long. I fell asleep under a tree... I didn't get much sleep last night."
"Me neither... I missed you, Lolo, why did you leave last night, where did you go?"
"You told me to go, babe," she answered, trying to keep the hurt out of her voice, hoping Camila would understand, "I wanted to give you the space you needed."
"Oh, yes," Camila replied rocking slightly, "I... we... I wasn't very nice to you last night Lolo, I'm sorry."
"Don't even think about it, baby," she told her quickly, placing an arm around her shoulders. "I knew what you meant. I've been there myself, I remember how it was. You needed your family, I understood... I understand!"
'Still hurt though', she thought a little selfishly and feeling ashamed the moment she thought it, 'it still fucking hurt.'
"I fucking hated him, you know," Camila blurted out after an uncomfortable silence. "I hated him for so fucking long; he could never accept me for who I was. I fucking hated him for so many things but he was still my dad,"
"I know," she said slipping an arm around her and rubbing her shoulder gently with her hand, pulling the girl towards her.
"All I ever wanted was for him to love me, love me, not his fucking 'Sales Director'. All I ever asked for was that he give me a bit of credit now and again, treat me like he treated Sofi; love me like he loved her."
Camila sniffed as she poured her heart out and she knew she was crying, despite the darkness. "I'm never going to get that now, am I? I worked so fucking hard to make him love me and it was never good enough; it was never fucking good enough for him, I was never good enough for him."
"I know, baby," she said soothingly, "I know; but he did love you, you know. I'm sure of it."
"How do you know that, Lolo?" Camila asked, her voice breaking, "you barely knew him, but even you knew what he was like."
"I did, love," she admitted quietly, "at least, I saw a bit of what he was like when no one else was around. I heard you arguing that night at the party. I was listening in on the cameras. Your mother gave him a mouthful for what he did to you and he didn't seem bothered at all, he really pissed me off that night but it doesn't change what I think love."
"He called me a whore, Lolo. He called me a fucking whore because I dressed up nice, dressed up to impress you. He wouldn't dream of saying that to Sofi, babe. He wouldn't dream of saying that to his favorite fucking daughter. So how the fuck can you say that he loved me?"
"He told me you were his favorite daughter, baby, remember?" she said as soothingly as she could. "I know he was probably playing me, but he did say it; and besides, he gave you something he never gave Sofi."
"What's that?"
"He gave you me, babe, and all those people like me. Look, as soon as those threats came in, he wanted you protected. I read your file, Camz. How many CPOs did you have before I came along? Every time you sacked one, or drove them away, he made sure that someone else was there to look after you; and he kept going until you had the best. He did that because he loved you, baby. He did that because all he wanted to do was keep you safe."
"You think so?" Camila said, her voice but a whisper.
"I know so," she replied, a little white lie that took the edge off the actual truth. She didn't know it for sure, but she at least suspected it. "I'm pretty sure he loved you, Camz. He might not have showed it very well, but I'm sure he did, in his own fucked up way."
There was a long silence as Camila thought about her words, a long silence that was only broken by the sound of her tears. "Thanks, baby," she said finally as Lauen continued to stroke her arm, "that means a lot."
She didn't reply. She just stopped her stroking and squeezed her shoulders, relaxing her grip only when Camila rested her head on her chest, her hands still gripping her legs tightly.
"Lolo," Camila said after they sat there in silence for a few minutes more, "would you hold me properly please? I need you to hold me right now."
Camila's voice had broken entirely, and she could hear the grief pouring out of her. "Of course I will, Camz," she said opening her arms as Camila finally let go of her legs, released her protective stance, and fell into her; "of course, I will."
The brunette buried her head into Lauren's chest, sobbing loudly, her hands flailing around, pummeling her relentlessly. She pulled her in and winced as Camila finally wrapped her arms around her and squeezed her tightly, every ounce of her strength crushing her.
"I loved him, Lo," Camila sobbed, "I loved him so much, why couldn't he tell me that he loved me? Why couldn't he do that simple thing for me?"
"I have no idea, Camila; I have no idea at all, but I can say it... I love you, Camz, remember that. There are so many people who love you dearly, and a lot of them are here for you right now. We love you because you're wonderful and I'm sure your dad knew that too."
She held her tightly in her arms as she cried, telling her the same thing over and over again until she sobbed herself out and long after that. As the faint light from the window faded, as the darkness of night drew in, she laid her exhausted body down onto the bed and wrapped her in the blanket; tucking her in carefully.
Hating herself for what she was about to do, she kissed her gently on the forehead, whispered 'I love you' into her ear and left her to sleep alone, closing the door quietly behind her as she left once more.