Episode Ten :
'LOVE'BITE
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F A W N ' S P O V :
I sometimes think I could live without a mirror. Up until now I've never been the type to stare intently at my appearance in the morning, not even to take a quick glance to see how I look.
Maybe I just find it to be conceeded and egotistical, but I think it's because I've never really cared how people saw me. The few people who did that is, before I met Mallory and Karissa I was nothing more than a outcast academic – among many others.
Now, I can't seem to help but stare at the purple mark right beneath the line of my jaw.
His mark. Lawrence's.
I don't think Elliott noticed it, to which I'm more than grateful. I don't think I'd be able to live with myself knowing that he was aware of what, or rather who, I had come from. Mortifying.
The crinkles on the sides of my eyes have drooped to hollow dark bags, I've been carrying with me this whole weekend. I haven't really left the house. I don't want people to see the hickey. Now it seems to be unavoidable as I force myself to leave for school, hating the way my hair poofs up when I wrap the striped wool scarf around my neck like I'm off to Hogwarts.
I hate the way I can still see it, feel it, force myself to own that mark.
Even though no one else will – see it. Even though I physically can not.
"Fawn!" Morgan groans, and I spin around clutching to the fabric as a source of security.
"Are you coming?" She asks impatiently, pacing the doorway while clicking her tongue.
"Mm hm," I mumble, not in the mood to speak.
Not in the mood to exist in such a pathetic state.
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"Fawn, Fawn, Fawn!" Mallory calls, grabbing onto my arms as she runs up to me on our way to lunch, big blue eyes beaming with excitement.
"W-What?" I ask.
"Oh nothing," she grins, and I try my best to care about how she's acting. But I'm tired. I just want to go home, and escape her cackling.
I smile feeling bad for the thing I'm thinking about the sweet girl before me. Short brown hair, sparkling blue eyes – innocent.
Something we don't share now. We used to share that.
Pathetic.
I rub the spot on my neck, the fabric becoming itchy due to my allergy of wool. I would've worn another, but I only owned this one scarf. It's from a few years back. It was a gift from Ma, before she passed.
Before I slept on the floor.
"Is that all?" I ask tired.
"Um, yeah – Fawn?" She glances to it. Right where it is.
"Is that? Don't tell me that you had –"
"No!" I yell, and look down to see the way my scarf had loosened around my neck revealing the prominent 'love'bite.
"Fawn, I thought you wanted to wait for a real boyfriend." She whispers.
"I am," I state, "We didn't do it, I didn't even really want – It was just a kiss, not on my lips." I always thought my first kiss would be on the lips.
"Was it Lawrence?" She asks quietly, more solemn than I'd heard her in a the few months we've been friends.
I nod my head, not even questioning how she knew, she had given Lawrence my phone number in the first place. Without her, this hickey would be nonexistent.
"Let's just – lets just talk about it with the group," she smiles, patting my shoulder, but beyond that, she doesn't seem to care at all.
She almost looks disappointed by the name that escaped my lips.
We walk to lunch, me walking behind her. Pulling the scarf tighter around my neck, as though I was trying to suffocate myself.
"Hey Fawn!" Jason yells, standing up from the table to give me a hug.
"Hi," I mumble, bumping into his chest casually as a result of the careless gesture.
"What's with the scarf?" He asks, pulling out his math binder from his backpack, time for the daily exchange.
"I call hickey!" yells Dean from down on the end of the table, smirk unyielding despite Mallory's obvious annoyance about the whole situation. I was annoyed too, but I didn't show it.
"That is none of your business!" snapped Mallory, and that's when Dean sends a wink in Jason's direction.
"Was it you?" He asks, and I try to remain silent as Jason fake barfs all over the Math homework I just handed him from last night.
"Take that as a no, so – who was it?" He sneers.
"Me, now quit fucking asking her,"
Arms wrap around my waist and I don't know whether to I want to cry or hug Lawrence. After all, he hasn't really done anything wrong – he doesn't know, I never told him. And right now, he's so big, and could so easily make them stop asking about it.
"Chill, I was just kidding – I didn't even know if she had one I was – "
"Save it, Song."
"Why should I? The golden boy know how to throw a punch?" Dean asks, standing up from his seat at the end of our table.
Tall and in charge, a daring glint in his eye Dean is in the mood to start something. Is in the mood to cause havoc. Karissa tries to pull her brother down, but fails miserably as he laughs tauntingly. I want to tell him to stop, not to keep encouraging Lawrence further, but I don't. I'm tired.
"Don't need to," Lawrence smiles tightly, and my head begins to pulse.
"I want to leave," I whisper to myself more than anyone, but Lawrence hears, and suddenly he's pulling me with him out of the lunch room, leaving the whole table in a state of confusion.
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"Your friends are jackasses, you know that? If he ever talks to you like that again, if he tries to pull anything like that I swear – "
"Lawrence, he didn't know," Lawrence paces the empty classroom, pulling on his hair in frustration.
"I don't care!" He yells, and I step away as he walks up to me, "Fawn, you are too good for guys like that. I mean, Jason couldn't spell his own name of he tried, let alone pass Math without his bribes,"
He's around a foot away from me, but I stand my ground in an effort to defend my friends. Jason and Dean, they're good people. They don't deserve this.
"Lawrence – " I try, but am cut off immediately.
"I don't want you talking to them anymore, Fawn,"
"You what?" I ask, and he pulls off my scarf. Placing his thumb right where his lips has been, right there. Like ice – cold and energizing.
Adrenaline pumps through my veins, heart racing as he slides his fingers down to my collar bones. Eyes focusing in on my own.
"They don't deserve you, I do," he whispers, grabbing my hand.
I close my eyes, trying to contain my emotions.
His hand drops, and I take a deep breath in.
"Fawn, I really like you," he mumbles and I feel the tears escaping my eyes. Out of joy, relief, fear, it's hard to distinguish it. The feeling you get when your heart breaks, and warms, and melts all at the same time.
"I want to be with you, and kiss you – without you being scared,"
I open my eyes, tears streaming down my cheeks in betrayal of my desperate pleads to hide all signs of weakness.
"It's okay," he whispers, "It's okay to be scared,"
"Lawrence, I d-don't know what's wrong with me – I don't, I just – I wasn't r-ready, I don't know – " he hushes me, bringing his forehead to mine.
He looks nice right now, he looks safe right now, he looks like the guy I've admired for years right now. Except he looks saddened.
And I feel guilty.
"It's okay, Fawn," he pulls me into a hug. It's cold but it's good enough.
"I want to start over," I mumble, "Forget how we started – "
"I do too," he smiles, those perfectly straight and perfectly white teeth revealing themselves to me once more but up close.
And I would – forget how we started.
And maybe that was my biggest mistake, forgetting how it felt the second his mouth touched my neck –
And not my lips.
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A U T H O R ' S N O T E :
Hey guys, sorry this is up so late in the day, but at least it's up, am I right? It's also pretty long for my standards, which is not really long at all but whatever, lol. Hope you enjoyed, love to know you like reading it <3
Q U E S T I O N S :
What do you think about Fawn criticizing herself in the mirror?
Feelings on Mallory?
Jason, Dean? The whole group?
Moment between Lawrence and Fawn?
Anything else?
Love to know!
- tat <3