[this chapter is going to be a long one, but one that is extremely meaningful. possible foreshadows also, so keep an eye out.]
"don't you say, don't you say it. one breath it'll just break it."
→←
Journal Entry #532
date written: stormy November night/November 2nd/2 days after my falling in the woods/tomorrow bowling
when I talk about falling in love, my mother goes quiet. she tells me loving shouldn't be synonymous to falling. Tells me to walk with love instead of falling into it.
My mother says that loving shouldn't hurt, that you shouldn't have to cut off your wings to land into it. But Mother, how can I love without hurting, without peeling my skin to show all the fragile?
Mother, I've been taught that love means falling off of rooftops for them, throwing yourself in front of buses for them.
I've been taught that love feels like your lungs when air gets knocked out of them, like your eyes when they sting.
Mother when I was six, they taught me that a boy who hurts you probably likes you. Mother, when I was six I believed them.
I believed that love is when he trips you in playgrounds, tugs at your hair in class.
Mother, the first time I loved it felt too much like falling and too little like learning how to fly. It felt like plucking the wings out of my own back. It felt like being pushed over a cliff a thousand times over.
Mother, every love since then has been a disappointment, has been the feeling before a car crashes, has been the brakes that hit so hard you slam your head against the windshield. Every love since then has been so much drowning, has been trying to breathe when you know you shouldn't.
Mother, when a love doesn't hurt it doesn't feel real.
When a love doesn't hurt it leaves me with so much empty, so much numb.
Is it love if doesn't make you cry?
→←
"You ready to lose?" Steve spoke as he started flexing his muscles, making me roll my eyes. Soda started chuckling behind me at his cocky best friend.
"You won't be saying that when I start getting strikes back to back." I sassed, picking up a bowling ball.
"I'm so confident in this, I'm even willing to bet money. Twenty dollars." He announced, holding out the money.
I raised my eyebrows. "Put your money where your mouth is and you might not have as much confidence."
[creds to robin on that]
Soda started whistling from behind me. "Man, Steve, you're getting flamed by KoKo-Puffs."
Steve rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, so you in or not?"
I scoffed. "Hell yeah I'm in! Let's do this!"
We sat down in the seats and started putting our bowling shoes on, Steve finishing first. He started putting our names on the board, so we can keep up with our scores.
[I don't know how they kept track of scores in bowling in the 60's and I don't feel like looking it up lmao, so I'm just going to make them write it on a dry-erase board.]
"You might want to add my name on there too." As soon as we heard the voice, all three of our heads popped up at her.
"Um, Sandy I told you we're bringing Dakota tonight, not you." Soda replied, making Steve start giggling.
[idk why, but whenever I picture Steve giggling, it makes me laugh so hard.]
She rolled her eyes and sat down next to him. "Well, I'm already here, so let's just start playing anyways."
Steve laughed. "How about no."
Sandy shot Steve a glare and turned her attention back to Soda, batting her eyelashes to make her look all sweet and innocent.
She still didn't look sweet or innocent if you ask me.
"Soda, please. I don't want to have to walk all the way back home by myself." She pouted, making me roll my eyes.
"You could use the exercise, Sandy. I think walking back home would do you good." Steve snapped, making me stifle a laugh that was starting to rise in my throat.
"I don't think your name is Soda." She seethed, her eyes blazing.
"No, it's Steve. I'm glad you finally figured it out."
"GUYS, SHUT THE HELL UP!" Soda shouted, making me jump, and them to automatically go quiet. Tons of people glanced over at us, but continued going back to what they were doing.
"I am sick and tired of you two fighting everywhere I go! If you're going to be like that, I'm just going to leave!" Soda snapped, getting up out of his seat and walking out of the building.
"Soda, no! I'm sorry, baby, we didn't mean to!" Sandy called after him, still making Steve roll his eyes.
I felt extremely angry. Infuriated.
I stood up out of my seat and got right in her face. "Do me a favor and keep your mouth closed for once in your life!"
Steve started laughing and she just stood there, her mouth wide open. It'll never close.
I ran outside and found Soda sitting on a bench, sulking. I sighed and sat down next to him, rubbing his back. "C'mon, let's go back inside and start this again. I went off on them and they won't argue the rest of the night."
He glanced up at me, a frown still on his face. "It's just- it's not fair. I already have to be in between Pony and Darry fighting at home, and then when I get away from home, I'm in the middle of their fights. I never get away from arguments and I'm always in the middle of them."
I frowned and leaned my head on his shoulder. "Hey, it will be alright. I promise. Now, let's go back inside and have some fun."
He grinned at me. "I don't know what I would do without you, Dakota."
I giggled. "You'd probably die."
We walked back inside and started playing the game, Steve and Sandy sharing occasional glares throughout the game, but never fighting. In the end, I won, so pouty Steve had to hand over the twenty dollars that he bet on.
We were walking back towards the cars when I felt a hand grab my wrist, pulling me back. I landed with an oomph right into Soda's chest, inhaling the scent of his cologne. He chuckled and took a step back to where he was looking straight at me.
Steve and Sandy kept walking back towards the cars, not even noticing that we stopped. Soda kept staring at me intently, making me shift nervously under his gaze. "Dakota, thank you so much for listening to what I had to say. You don't know how much it meant to me."
I shook my head and laughed softly. "You don't need to thank-"
"Yes, I do. This was supposed to be a day for just us three, but well, you know." He rolled his eyes, making me giggle.
"Soda, what are you doing? Come on!" Sandy yelled as she leaned against the car.
Soda ignored her and turned back towards me. "Since our day was ruined, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the river with me tonight. Me and you."
I smiled. "I'd love to."
"Great. See you then." Just after he said that, we both realized we've been holding hands the whole time.
He let go slowly and walked away, leaving me once again standing there. I kept my gaze on my hand, amazed to see that it was shaking. They left and I walked to my car in a daze. I sat there and leaned my head back against the seat, taking a shaky breath.
You're going to destroy yourself.
Andrew's voice kept ringing through my mind, but it was soon blocked out by the sound of me crying. I have to tell him.
I have to tell him tonight.
→←
hope you guys liked this chapter and there may possibly be another update tonight idk yet!