(A/N: Look, I know I said I was gonna do Nathan Drake vs Lara Croft. My full explanation as to why I did this, as well as an announcement, is at the end of this chapter.)
King of Fighters vs. Final Fantasy! Two of gaming's bustiest and deadliest femme fatales will square off, but among the Shiranui School's greatest assassin and AVALANCHE's greatest brawler, who will leave alive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wiz: As far as erotic femme fatales go, our two combatants today are certainly among the most blessed, and the deadliest in their trade.
Boomstick: Mai Shiranui, the SNK ninja with great...strength!
Wiz: And--
Boomstick: Tifa Lockhart, the Final Fantasy brawler with tremendous...power! Sorry, I got excited.
Wiz: Please don't tell me I have to go through this...Oh well, I might as well play along. I'm Wizard and he's Boomstick, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
MAI SHIRANUI
Wiz: Mai Shiranui--
Boomstick: You know, the woman who beat Chun-Li. Seriously, though, LOOK AT THOSE THINGS!
Wiz: ...A ninja of the Shiranui clan, Mai is--
Boomstick: The object of every man's twisted fantasies back in the day. Wizard, I command thee to gaze upon Mai's huge jugs in order for someone to share my fantasies!
Wiz: *white and fearful* Thanks, but I'll pass...Anyway, moving on. Mai was trained by her grandfather in the art of Koppo-ken, which specializes in rapid strikes, pressure points, and bone snapping. From the perverted yet renowned--
Boomstick: And pretty damn lucky! I mean, he gets to get some grapples in! Lucky bastard.
Wiz: ...From the renowned Jubei Yomato, Mai became adept at judo, which supplements the Koppo-ken technique with grapples, throws, and submission holds.
Boomstick: See what I mean?
Wiz: ...I'd rather not. In combat, Mai often relies on taking down her opponents with quick, powerful strikes. Missing her attacks entirely often leaves her wide open. Mai also specializes on fake-out moves to catch her opponent off guard.
Boomstick: She's also got an unlimited amount of steel fans she can throw, which I guess she takes out from her nonexistent bra. Holy crap, I'm trying my best not to drift off...
Wiz: Actually, you're sort of right. While her outfit is light and overly revealing, it doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest. Mai utilizes a sexually distracting technique called kunoichi to catch her male...and scatter-brained opponents who drool over the soundboard...off guard.
Boomstick: I'm sorry, what? I was distracted.
Wiz: This is coming out of your pay...Mai also has pyrokinesis, which allows her to, well...create fire. She can also use this to control any existing fires, or cause explosions.
Boomstick: More like explosions of--
Wiz: Boomstick!
Boomstick: What? I was talking about the fire and explosions.
Wiz: Sure, you were.
Boomstick: Anyway, Mai's one persistent fighter. She constantly enters the King of Fighters tournament to win it and the love of her unofficial fiance Andy Bogard, but somehow she never wins.
Wiz: Is it because many of the male combatants have a strong presence of mind? No one knows.
Boomstick: She also tends to get kidnapped a lot. I mean, I really freaking see why, and I kinda wish I was the one doing the kidnapping, and then--
*Technical Difficulties*
Wiz: Boomstick? Let's continue with the analysis, shall we?
Boomstick: *pained moan* Fine. Anyway, despite being trained to fight, Mai often has to get rescued a lot, usually by Andy.
Wiz: But Mai is in no way a slouch. She is competent enough on her own, and has even been on Andy's winning team in 1999.
Boomstick: And to top this off, she's got some pretty damn sweet--
Wiz: Boomstick! No rape jokes from you!
Boomstick: --Skills. Damn, that was one short analysis, but I guess it's worth it.
Mai: Mai Shiranui of the Shiranui School must teach you a lesson!
MAI:
Age:
Height:
Weight:
Bust/Waist/Hip: Let's not go there
Weapons and Powers:
• Pyrokinesis
• Steel Fans
• Koppo-ken
• Judo
• Ninjutsu
• Flying Squirrel Furiante
• Deadly Ninja (NO, NOT THE) Bees
• Folding Fan Fandango
• Windmill Waster
• Kacho San
• Bushin
Feats:
• Formed the Women's Team
• A member of Andy's 1999 winning team
• Can withstand being set on fire
Weaknesses:
• Has never won a single King of Fighters tournament
• Defeated by less powerful foes consistently
• Most of her moves leave her wide open
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TIFA LOCKHART
Wiz: On the western continent of the planet Gaia lies Nibelheim, a small village on the dangerous Mount Nibel. At first glance, this will appear like your regular country town, not worth a second look...
Boomstick: Until a sword-wielding goth guy went on a mission there and discovered his secret alien mom hidden inside. The reunion was...heated.
Wiz: Witnessing her father get murdered and the madman Sephiroth raze her hometown, Tifa Lockhart made for Midgar and joined AVALANCHE, a group dedicated to stop the usage of Mako as a power source, as well as to protect the planet from ecological harm...and giant, magical meteors.
Boomstick: Yeah, like the giant--
Wiz: Boomstick! For once, will you please let me continue?!
Boomstick: Yeah, whatever. I was talking about the meteor, by the way...
Wiz: Suuurrrreeeeee. Tifa served to be the housekeeper for the hidden AVALANCHE base Seventh Heaven, which also doubles as a bar to increase the rebel group's profits, so Tifa also doubles as a bouncer.
Boomstick: Coming from a guy who's been thrown out of his fair share of bars, I warn you: do NOT piss on the Seventh Heaven floorboards with Tifa on guard.
Wiz: Smart choice, since Tifa is a master of close-quarters combat. Tifa is a Feint Brawler, adept at...feinting to catch her opponents off guard and surprise them with quick, powerful strikes.
Boomstick: Besides her, you know, huge...
Wiz: No!
Boomstick: ...damaging moves!
Wiz: Rrrriggghhhht. As Tifa traveled with her childhood friend Cloud to hunt down Sephiroth and save the planet, Tifa learned seven legendary techniques, the Limit Breaks.
Boomstick: Tifa's Limit Breaks include rapid-fire punches, flip kicks, water kicks, explosive throwdowns, and SUMMONING DOLPHINS WHO UPPERCUT PEOPLE? That's flipping awesome! And when Tifa manages to pull all that off, she charges and channels her power into one, single, explosive, deadly punch: the Final Heaven!
Tifa unleashes Final Heaven, defeating a Master Tonberry.
Boomstick: HA! SCREW YOU, MONSTER OF MY NIGHTMARES!
Wiz: Tifa is ready to fight at a moment's notice, and she even wears her signature leather gloves everywhere she goes just in case a brawl comes her way.
Boomstick: And if she wants to show you that she means business, Miss Lockhart busts out her two, round, beautiful, ultimate weapons--
Wiz: No, no, no, no--
Boomstick: --the Premium Heart!
Wiz: Oh. The Premium Heart greatly increases Tifa's striking power, and its power even increases every time Tifa takes damage and builds Limit energy. However, this comes at a price: after Tifa uses her Limit Breaks, this power boost disappears.
Boomstick: Oh, isn't that a problem? It sure is...if she didn't also have MAGIC!
Wiz: In the world of Final Fantasy VII, there are a wide variety of magic and ability-granting gems called Materia. Any party member can wield any Materia, and no character has a standard Materia set-up, thus it is up to the game's player to decide who gets what. However, thanks to the Final Fantasy fighting game Dissidia Duodecim, we can conclude that Tifa prefers to carry Fire and Ice Materia into battle.
Boomstick: These Fire and Ice Materia let Tifa conjure and shoot...fire and...ice. Combine that with her freakish superhuman strength, and she's nigh-unstoppable.
Wiz: Well, I wouldn't say that. Despite her insane strength, Tifa's speed and defense stats are somewhat lacking, making her somewhat of a glass cannon. But to help make up for her frailty, she wears two armor pieces. She wears a ribbon on her right arm in memory of her late friend Aerith...
Boomstick: PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU! DON'T BRING ME TO TEARS AGAIN!
Wiz: ...which protects her against all negative status effects, except for Instant Death attacks. Tifa also wears the female-exclusive Minerva Band, which greatly mitigates damage and nullifies all fire, ice, holy, and gravity-based attacks.
Boomstick: Well, glass cannon or not, Tifa's accomplished some impressive stuff. She's strong enough to lift Sephiroth's ultimate god form and throw giant Weapons around like they were just pieces of paper. She's also escaped the nigh-inescapable Death Chair, gone toe-to-toe with one of the three Remnants of Sephiroth, led AVALANCHE in Cloud's absence, survived a dip in the Lifestream, and helped stop Hojo and the Mako Cannon!
Wiz: And there was that one time she helped throw Cloud through the air for him to reach the flying summon, Bahamut SIN. Even with help, Tifa's throw helped Cloud achieve the speed of sound, because a Mach cone had formed around him.
Boomstick: Come on, Cloud's pretty lanky! How hard can that be?
Wiz: Calculating in the weight of Cloud and his Fusion Swords, he must have been thrown with a hundred and fifty-three tons of force!
Boomstick: She also fought this evil chick in a slap fight.
*Clip of Tifa slapping Scarlet, then fades to a clip where Tifa unleashes Final Heaven on ProudClod, killing Heidegger and Scarlet*
Boomstick: She won.
Wiz: But with all her power, Tifa has her flaws. She mostly rushes into battle with no other gameplan than to overpower her opponents, despite her expertise at feinting. This could be dangerous, considering her aforementioned frailty.
Boomstick: And when someone manages to get past that Minerva Band, one good, strong attack can do her in. But hey! I doubt anyone's gonna have an easy time doing that. You don't wanna mess with Tifa's strong, twin, firm...
Wiz: No!
Boomstick: Fisticuffs! Also, she's got some pretty nice jugs. Did I mention that yet?
Tifa: Feels like you're flying, doesn't it?
Tifa strikes at Golbez with Final Heaven, drawing a surprised and pained cry from the dark wizard as he is knocked out of the fight.
Tifa: *sighs* All done!
TIFA:
Age:
Height:
Weight:
Bust/Waist/Hip:
Weapons and Powers:
• Leather Gloves
• Fire and Ice Materia (Firaga and Blizzaga level)
• Premium Heart - increases in power every time Tifa takes damage
• Limit Breaks
- Beat Rush
- Waterkick
- Somersault
- Meteodrive
- Dolphin Blow
- Meteor Strike
- Final Heaven
• Ribbon
• Minerva Band
• Superhuman strength
• Master martial artist
Feats:
• Assisted in the defeat of Sephiroth
• Escaped the Death Chair
• Led AVALANCHE in Cloud's absence
• Survived a dip in the Lifestream
• Held her ground against Loz
• Lifted the giant Weapons with her Limit Breaks
• Helped throw Cloud through the air and make him achieve Mach 1
Weaknesses:
• Insane lifting strength is exclusive to Limit Breaks
• Lackluster speed and defense
• Rushes into battle with no gameplan than to decimate her opponents
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all! We have Mai Shiranui, the ninja of the Shiranui Clan, and Tifa Lockhart, the keeper of Seventh Heaven.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle...with boobs!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
BATTLE
(Setting: Seventh Heaven, Night)
A woman in a skintight, revealing outfit freed a metal fan from the head of a guard, the man collapsing to his knees as blood gushed out from the huge gash on his skull. The woman then swung her fan, fire shooting out of it as it met the dead guard, and the blast knocked the guard against the bar's wooden door, forcing it open. The ninja wiped the blood from her fan, sighing. She did not want to dirty her hands while she tried to find her target, but this was a bar, and she had to make sure she was not suddenly jumped by perverted men and her mission stalled as a result, "Oh, well..."
At this, the patrons of Seventh Heaven poured out of the door in fear, having seen the bloodied guard and the door. Upon hearing the commotion, a brunette woman, dressed in a dark brown leather vest and short pants, jumped over the counter, running for the ninja and demanding, "Hey, miss! What the hell are you doing, causing havoc in my bar?"
The ninja crossed her arms, sarcastically replying, "Look at my outfit. Do you honestly think I would go in there and not get swamped by perverted men?"
"Well, you should have knocked," said the bar hostess. "But I guess it's too late now. You just killed someone in my bar and caused panic." Tifa then assumed a combat stance as she said, "I'm gonna have to use force to stop you."
"We'll see about that," replied Mai, fishing out a second fan from her right breast.
FIGHT!
Mai opened the battle by hurling the fans in her hands at Tifa, fishing out a third and setting it on fire before hurling it ahead of her. Tifa ducked and weaved to evade the flying fans, and with a cry, she leapt up and plummeted towards Mai, her leg extended out in an aerial kick. The Shiranui wasted no time and produced another two fans, jumping at Tifa and slamming them down on her. As Mai brought her fans back once more, Tifa crossed her arms, bracing herself for another blow and sliding on her back as she did so. However, as soon as the fans were inches from the bar hostess, Mai stopped midway and immediately frontflipped, crashing her heel against Tifa's gut, sending the hostess crashing against the wooden floor. Mai gave no quarter or breathing room as she pinned Tifa down with her knees and pummeled her with strikes from her fans. In desperation, Tifa shot her head up, headbutting Mai and forcing the Shiranui to recoil. Tifa mercilessly followed up with swift, open-palmed strikes, each attack striking Mai in the gut. Cocking her fist back dangerously, Tifa let loose a powerful jab, sending Mai flying out of the open door of the bar. Tifa was suddenly engulfed in flames as she declared, "Here goes!"
The bar hostess shot forward like a burning arrow, barreling towards Mai, who was clutching her gut in pain. Suddenly, the kunoichi was engulfed in a pyro of her own, a fan flying out of the flaming wall and grazing Tifa in the gut, drawing blood. Tifa stopped in her tracks, clutching her bleeding abdomen, the fire around Mai died down. The Shiranui emerged out of the dispersing wall of fire, sliding on her back as she did so, and crunched her boots against Tifa's pained abdomen, sending the bar hostess sprawling and further wracking her gut in pain. As Tifa struggled to get back up to her feet, Mai asked, "Giving up?"
Tifa's own arms suddenly filled with flames as she defiantly growled, "Not even close. Now let's see how you like me fighting fire with fire!"
Just as she said the last word, Tifa swooped her arms in graceful patterns, balls of Firaga flying out of them and zooming towards Mai, the kunoichi cartwheeling and handspringing to evade the fiery projectiles. Mai retaliated by gathering another fan and hurling it at Tifa, the projectile tearing through a Firaga ball and sailing towards the bar hostess. Tifa jumped out of the way, flipping as she did so, and swiped her arm as if she was digging, pillars of ice suddenly shooting out of the ground and snaking their way towards Mai. The Shiranui held another fan between her moutn as she raised her arms and brought them down, the Firaga projectiles suddeny misdirected and flying towards the ice pillars. Tifa's entire Blizzaga attack was melted, the bar hostess snarling as she charged towards Mai. The kunoichi reciprocated the action, ducking and weaving every time Tifa threw punch after devastating punch. However, she could not react as Tifa unloaded a roundhouse kick, the force of the blow throwing Mai off her feet and nearly breaking her knees like a twig. Tifa weaved to the side and unloaded an uppercut, further forcing the wind out of Mai as she was sent flying towards a broken pillar, the kunoichi's impact nearly shattering the top of the pillar. Tifa leapt up and frontflipped in midair, threatening to crush the kunoichi's skull with her heels as she exclaimed, "You're going down!"
The Shiranui suddenly kicked off of the pillar and above Tifa, slashing at her chest with a steel fan. Tifa howled in shock as she plummeted back-first onto the ground. Mai mercilessly followed up by setting her fan on fire and hurling it at the prone bar hostess, and clicking her fingers together, the fire suddenly exploding outwards and engulfing Tifa. The kunoichi landed gracefully before the wall of fire, sighing in disappointment, "I really expected you to put up a fight. I can't say it was worth it, but you're disappointing."
As the fires died down, Mai's eyes widened in shock to see Tifa still on her feet, blood streaming down her mouth and temples. A pair of gauntlets were now on her fists, each blue in color and adorned with a heart shape. The bar hostess once more took to a fighting stance as she stared down at Mai, hissing, "That all you've got?"
Mai retracted the fans in her hands, each projectile coated in flames. "Believe me, you haven't seen everything," she jibed.
Tifa charged, her gauntleted fists glowing violently as she swung them at Mai in erratic patterns. The kunoichi decided to retaliate by swinging her fans at the bar hostess, and for a few seconds, it was a duel, Tifa's gauntlets meeting Mai's fans in a shower of sparks every time. The brief bout ended when Tifa unleashed a devastating uppercut, Mai sidestepping the blow only to be met with a left hook, the punch smashing Mai's skull and threatening to cave it in. An explosion of blood flew out of the blow, Mai gritting her teeth to fight the pain back as Tifa cocked her fist back and threw another punch. Mai evaded, and before Tifa could throw a jab, the Shiranui flew forward, smashing her elbow against Tifa's chin and sending the bar hostess flying towards a lamppost, bending it dangerously. Dissatisfied, Mai hurled the fans in her hands at Tifa, the bar hostess crying out in pain as they sliced into her abdomen. Tifa immediately retaliated by swooping her arms in erratic, unsynchronized patterns, hurling scores of Firaga missiles. Mai ducked and weaved as she swooped her own arms, Tifa gnashing her teeth as the Shiranui began to misdirect all of her projectiles. With a cry, Tifa charged for Mai, the Shiranui ducking and weaving to evade the vicious combo that followed. However, Mai could not react as Tifa suddenly appeared behind her and sent her flying with a brutal uppercut, and then the bar hostess bounded after her. Balling her fists together, Tifa sent them crashing against the crown of Mai's skull. The Shiranui plummeted to the ground face-first, her body creating a human-sized crater as she did. Midair, Tifa cocked her fist back and plummeted towards the fallen Mai, the Shiranui seemingly reacting to this and rolling to the side, shooting herself up and landing an uppercut on Tifa's gut, knocking the bar hostess out of the air. Tifa landed on her feet and attempted to unleash another jab, but Mai reacted quick enough, grabbing the bar hostess by the arm, lifting her over her head, and slamming her back-first onto the dirt. Mai sat on Tifa's wounded stomach, fishing out another two fans before quipping, "You put up a tough fight, you sure did. But you lost."
Struggling to regain her breath, Tifa rebutted, "You...sure?"
At this, Tifa shot her head forward once more, Mai forcing her head to the side to evade it but only met by a jab at her exposed abdomen. The bar hostess wasted no time and backflipped, the toes of her boots meeting Mai's chin and sending the kunoichi teetering back. Her arms coated in mist, Tifa demanded, "Don't move!"
A giant spike of ice suddenly materialized in midair, Tifa hurling it forward as if she was using telekinesis. The dazed Shiranui snapped to her senses, setting the fans in her hands on fire before hurling them forward, snapping her fingers once the fans grazed the sides of the spike. The ensuing explosion engulfed Tifa once more, the chunks of ice flying everywhere. Mai felt a surge of triumph as she heard Tifa cry out in pain, a chunk of ice having gashed her stomach. For good measure, the Shiranui produced another fan, set it on fire, and hurled it, the fiery fan meeting its mark. Mai did not even bother to hear the sound of blade parting flesh as she turned her back, sighing, "What a disappointing finish..."
Her eyes widened upon hearing a voice, a very much alive Tifa declaring, "Is that all you have? Let's see how you like this!"
The fiery wall suddenly spread out, a fiery aura surrounding Tifa's gauntlets as a slot reel of sorts appeared behind the bar hosts, all the reels having hit "Yeah!"
Beat Rush
Without warning, Tifa surged forward, unleashing a flurry of rapid strikes which Mai had difficulty in blocking or parrying.
Waterkick
Tifa brought her foot back, her entire leg coated in water, and smashed into the side of Mai's leg with a roundhouse kick, tearing the kunoichi's ACL and drawing a pained cry from Mai.
Somersault
Tifa backflipped, the toes of her boots crunching ominously against Mai's lower jaw and threatening to break it, as well as sending the Shiranui rocketing up to the air.
Meteodrive
Tifa bounded after Mai, grabbing her by the neck and hurling her to the ground, an explosion ensuing and hurling the kunoichi into the air once more.
Dolphin Blow
Tifa then unloaded a devastating uppercut, and while it missed its mark, a dolphin of all sorts materialized, squeaking as it struck Mai full on and rocketed her further into the air.
Meteor Strike
Tifa then appeared behind Mai, grabbing her by the back of the head and hurling her to the ground far below, an explosion once more ensuing. Mai was on her feet, gnashing her teeth to blot out the pain as blood gushed out of her temples and mouth. Tifa was directly in front of her, fist cocked back and glowing dangerously as the bar hostess declared, "Final Heaven!"
Tifa charged forward in blinding speed, her charged fist striking Mai with such force that it sheared off the entirety of her head from her upper jaw to the crown of her skull, the Shiranui's tongue and airway open to the world. Tifa crossed her arms and then spread them out, a massive explosion ensuing behind her and consuming Mai's body. When the smoke cleared, it revealed that not a single remnant of Mai was left but a few charred steel fans, and her head had flown far away. Removing her gauntlets, Tifa looked at the crater where her foe once stood, bowing and commending, "You were pretty good. I'll never find anyone like you again."
KO!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Boomstick: NOOOOOOOO!
Wiz: This might have seemed an even fight on paper, but Tifa had the clear edge. Sure, Mai's pyrokinesis granted her the ability to misdirect many of Tifa's fire-based attacks, and her ninja training was an efficient counter against Tifa's straightforward approach, but that was simply not enough to best Tifa.
Boomstick: Mai might have had the edge in weaponry with her steel fans, but Tifa isn't all a CQC fighter. She can shoot freaking fire and ice, and she's pretty damn good! Besides, that Minerva Band was great in tanking damage for Tifa.
Wiz: And while Mai might have been more knowledgeable in judo, take note, her level of skill is nowhere near her mentor's. And while Mai has participated in tournaments and Tifa most certainly has not, in all the times Mai has joined the King of Fighters tournament, she has never won. Meanwhile, Tifa's taken on foes far above your average SNK brawler.
Boomstick: It also doesn't help that Mai isn't that durable. That's why avoiding attacks was her specialty, but we all know that that can only last for so goddamn long against someone with as much freakish superhuman strength as Tifa.
Wiz: Tifa, on the other hand, was more durable by comparison. Don't let Loz easily knocking her unconscious fool you, she wasn't wearing any armor then. And due to the fire-nullifying nature of her Minerva Band, many of Mai's attacks were rendered useless, mostly due to the fact that many her attacks are fire-based.
Boomstick: To top this off, each time Mai doled out damage, Tifa's Premium Heart increased in power, allowing her to dish out her Limit Breaks and seal the deal.
Wiz: Mai was a great ninja, but she could not best Tifa's strength, armor, Limit Breaks, and Premium Heart.
Boomstick: Mai almost had a victory, until it blew up in her face.
Wiz: The winner is Tifa Lockhart.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Next Time on Death Battle:
A man with green night-vision goggles grabs a guard in a submission hold, telling the guard that he's made the top ten for pissing in his pants...
VS
An Italian man in a gray robe and cowl sneaks up behind a Templar, sinking his hidden wrist-blade into the guard's neck.
(A/N: Again...I know I said I was gonna do Nathan Drake vs. Lara Croft. I know many of you were excited for that, but I apologize. This fight has been more fun to write on my part, and honestly, the hype for Nate vs Lara is so high, and I feel like I can't decide a winner.
Anyway, to the announcement: I now have an account on DeviantArt! It's called NathanTheManTheMHFan (good luck remembering that). I will be posting Death Battle posters there, and I'm also thinking of writing off-season Death Battles there, with a different writing style.)