So because it's nearly been three months since I last updated (cue the hate mail and insults) I recommend you guys read the last couple of pages from the previous chapter to jog the old memory. To help, I also added an extract from the end of chapter 28 to set the overall mood for this one. Enjoy.
~~~
I lay there, basking in Mason's warm and safe smell, and tried to stop the sobs that kept threatening to leave my chest. I pulled the material up over my face, soaking it as I silently cried, and distantly thought about how I had worn his hoodie on my first night here.
However, then it had only been the beginning. I was still yet to be introduced to the sweeter side of Mason Tanner. The side that made me laugh and blush and feel almost giddy with happiness. I was yet to experience the thrill of falling for him, the exhilaration of being challenged by him, the intense pleasure of being cared by him.
But now, lying alone in my shared dorm room for the last time, my eyes puffy, my head pounding and my tongue still bitter from the words that had left it only a while ago, I felt like it was all closing to a rapid end.
And it was through the realisation that I could do nothing, absolutely nothing, to prevent this foreboding end, where I experienced helplessness- real and utter helplessness- for the very first time.
~~~
It was no surprise that I woke up with a headache the next morning. Nor was it a surprise that my eyes were swollen, my skin blotchy, and my complexion unusually pale.
I looked awful. I felt awful. Period.
Silently, I looked over at Molly who was still sleeping soundly. Her heels from the night before were lying in a hazardous heap at the foot of her bed, however she had at least managed to hang up the dress.
As I quietly as I could, I took out the suitcase I had brought with me from home, and with a distinct heaviness in my chest, I began to pack away my belongings. Our taxi for the airport left in two hours, and I didn't want to be scrambling about last minute.
Dread and even fear had settled deep within my stomach at the thought of seeing Mason after last night. God, the things that had been said. The things I had said. Made even worse after discovering what yesterday meant to Mason.
I still hadn't completely come to terms with the fact that Mason's sister – Sarah, I reminded myself- had died. He had lost his sister and had kept it a secret all of this time. Surely people must have known? Perhaps his best friend Ryan knew?
No wonder he got so tired with keeping up his ever-carefree façade, constantly acting like all was okay whilst it wasn't.
I let out another sigh, feeling an awful ripple of sympathy for Mason. However, a small voice inside of me couldn't help thinking, I would have understood. If he had just told me-
But I quickly blocked it out, knowing I was thinking selfishly. Yes, I felt hurt and even frustrated that he hadn't shared his sister's death with me- perhaps all of this drama could have been avoided. However, the wiser and more empathising part of me knew he hadn't told me just to spite me, or because he hadn't wanted to, but rather because he couldn't.
I remembered him reciting those words right before our first kiss, and I understood now. It hadn't had anything to do with me. It was him. Telling meant reliving, and Mason obviously hadn't moved on from his grief yet.
Another thought suddenly popped into my head. Could this perhaps be why his mother had left? After Sarah's death had it all just become too much-
"Morning."
I jumped in fright and the bag of toiletries I had been holding in my hand fell to the ground.
I turned to see Molly sitting upright and leaning back against the wall. Apart from the smudged eyeliner surrounding her eyes and a sleepiness to her features, she looked fine. I envied her right then.
"Sorry." Molly chuckled, obviously with regard to the surprise she'd given me. She then eyed the fallen toiletry bag and her lips dropped.
"You packing up then?"
I gave her a sad smile and bent to retrieve the bag. "Yup. Taxi leaves at nine."
Molly's sky blue eyes scanned my features, her expression caring and concerned.
"You alright?" Her voice was so sincere and soft that I was appalled to feel tears pricking at my eyes again. God.
I rapidly blinked before turning away from her.
"Been better." I responded dryly.
I heard Molly sigh. "I'm sorry Rose. After you left, I started to follow you, but Mason stopped me saying he would handle it."
I chewed my lip as I picked up my clothes, folding them slowly and without purpose.
"We waited like fifteen minutes but neither of you returned. So I said I'd go and check up on you, and then I heard you guys in the courtyard."
Her voice dropped off and I felt a wave of nerves pulsate through me.
"You heard us?" I asked, glancing to where she was seated.
"Just... the end of it." Molly's face remained neutral but her big eyes spoke volumes, and I could feel her sympathy radiating towards me.
I closed my eyes warily before running a hand through my tangled locks. Shame ran hotly through my body with the knowledge that Molly had heard what I'd said.
"I didn't mean it." I said hoarsely. "What I said, I-"
"You don't need to explain yourself to me Rose." She interrupted, shaking her head slightly. "I heard what he said to you too. You guys were both in the heat of the argument and said things you didn't mean. It was just a fight, it'll blow over."
I wanted to tell her that I didn't think it would.
I smiled faintly instead. "Thanks Mols."
~~~
The dreaded moment finally came, and everybody found themselves staring down at the floor, reluctance hanging thickly in the air.
It was time to say goodbye.
I had stepped into the cold foyer, my heart in my throat, with Molly who was assisting me with one of my bags. Instantly, my eyes scanned the round room until they stopped with an abrupt jerk on Mason, who was chatting quietly with JT, a small smile etched onto his features.
Against my will, hurt pricked inside of me to see that smile. Had he not taken the fight as badly as I had?
However, on closer inspection, I was able to pick out the circles underneath his eyes and the tiredness to his posture, giving him a rugged kind of look. Selfishly, that made me feel slightly better.
As if sensing my presence, Mason's eyes darted towards mine, and I held my breath, stilling underneath his gaze. After a long, hard second, I attempted a soft smile, hoping to express through it how sorry I was, how much I hated fighting with him, how I just wanted things to return to normal.
However, my attempt at reconciliation was severely rejected, and after another hard, blank stare, Mason turned his head.
I stood there stunned, pain whipping through me and fear rising. What did that mean? Did... did he not want to fix things? Was he just going to pretend like I didn't exist anymore?
Once again, tears pricked my eyes and in a violent surge of anger, I clawed my nails into the palms of my hands, furious with my emotional self.
Get a fucking grip.
"Hey Rose! Come 'ere."
I turned my head to see Connor standing with a grin, and I prayed to God that my eyes weren't red.
I attempted a forced smile.
"Hey. You here as a part of our goodbye entourage?"
I commended myself for the light tone in my voice.
Connor shrugged, flashing me a crooked grin. "Well after I practically forced you into that talent show, I thought I probably owed you a proper goodbye."
I let out a chuckle before I was suddenly engulfed in Connor's strong arms.
"Honestly though, it was great getting to know you. And do us both a favour? Don't stop playing or singing, you're talented Rose. One of the most talented people I know."
I drew back from Connor, touched by his words.
"I won't." I promised, knowing that I meant it. "And thank you, for everything. I'm going to miss you eavesdropping on me."
Connor laughed, and after one last embrace, he stepped back and gestured that I go on to everyone else.
I let out a heavy exhale. Saying goodbye sucked.
Mason and I moved through the group of people who, despite only knowing three months, we had grown immensely close with. I went down the lines, Nate, Emily, Chris, trying my best not to shed tears but failing miserably. The thought of leaving these people, the school, the country, had my heart twisting in sadness. Especially when the chance of seeing them ever again was highly doubtful.
When I got to JT, he instantly pulled me into his arms, and I squeezed my eyes shut as he held me.
"I'm going to miss you Pierce."
I let out a shaky laugh. "I'm going to miss you too. It was always a privilege watching you beat Mason's ass." I said, referring to JT's talent on the rugby field. However, even talking about Mason felt wrong now. Like I no longer had the right to.
JT chuckled, pulling back. "I do have eleven years experience on him."
I shrugged, a small smile on my lips. "Still."
We stared at each other for a second before JT's expression turned into one of guilt.
"Rose, about last night. I'm sorry if what I said, the bet and everything, caused all of this between you guys. I never intended-"
I shook my head, cutting him off. "I wish what happened last night was about the bet JT. But honestly, it was just the tip of the iceberg. It wasn't your fault, so don't beat yourself up, 'kay?"
I attempted a smile but inside I felt battered and bruised and bone tired.
JT let out a sigh, his chocolate coloured eyes dropping to the ground for a second, before looking up at me again.
"He's lucky to have you." JT said quietly, a small smile pursed on his lips.
Again I had to dig my nails into my palms. I wouldn't be surprised if they were bleeding by now.
JT's expression was one of complete sincerity. "He really is Rose. You guys are going to be okay. I'm sure of it."
I hugged him again, this time so that I could hide the tears that were leaking from my eyes.
"Thank you." I whispered, holding him tightly.
After a long moment, we broke apart, but before I left him I graced him with a one-sided smile.
"And don't be an idiot and screw things up with Molly. She likes you a lot. Like a lot a lot."
I left JT grinning as though he were the happiest man alive, and despite my own problems, I was happy for the both of them. They deserved each other.
Finally, I got to Molly, and as we both stared at each other with painful smiles and glistening eyes, I found that words had escaped me.
Instead I pulled her tightly into my arms, and buried my face into her petite shoulder.
"Thank you." I choked out, tears pooling from my eyes. "Thank you for everything."
"It's no problem USA." Molly replied, her words muffled into my shoulder. I heard her sniffle. "I feel privileged to call you a friend."
My cheeks were wet with tears and I hugged her tighter, wishing we didn't live so damn far away from each other.
"If you're ever considering taking a road trip-"
"I'm gon' be head' straight for Pennsylvania where I can meet Mama Pierce and have one of 'dem brownies you talk so highly of."
I let out a laugh, pulling back. "I've told you that I live in the north right?"
Molly shrugged, her blue eyes red and shining with tears. "From day one."
I grinned, shaking my head, before Mason called my name.
"Taxi's here."
I let out a sigh, nodding, before giving everyone one last smile. Nate, Em, Chris, Connor, JT, Molly. So many special people.
"Thank you guys. For everything."
"Call when you land." Molly said softly, leaning into JT's side.
Mason nodded, and to my surprise, picked up my suitcase. "We will. Bye everyone."
With one last wave, Mason and I exited the old, red-bricked building and made our way to the black cab.
I swept my gaze one more time over the regal buildings, the neatly trimmed quad, the cool bluish-grey sky, and a faint smile formed on my lips. Because despite all that had happened here, good and bad, the last three months had been the best I'd ever lived.
~~~
The drive to the airport was awkward, to say the least. Mason was still intent on not talking to me, and throughout the entire journey, had kept a generous amount of distance between us, whilst staring out of the window.
I had opened my mouth numerous times, determined to say something to break the cold spell between us, however each time I ended up shutting it again, unable to use my words.
It wasn't as though I didn't know what to say. I had plenty of things on my mind, desperate for a release. However, it was the fear of rejection that stopped me from speaking each time. I didn't know if I could take another cold and impassive stare from him, let alone here what he had to say.
Thus, I kept my distance and for a whole forty-five minutes, felt like a coward of a person. I let out a breath of air I hadn't know I was holding when the taxi pulled to a stop, and began to rummage through my bag for my purse. However, by the time I had found it, Mason was already leaning over the glass window and paying the driver.
He then promptly exited the car, and left me sitting in my seat, feeling slightly defeated. With a small sigh, I followed after Mason. He had both of our bags out on the tarmac, but before he could take mine, I quickly grabbed the handle and set off to the doors.
If he was intent on acting like I didn't exist, he might as well go the full way.
Mason lead us through airport protocols, being the more experience between the both of us, and he succeeded in doing it all with a stony silence, only breaking when he had to bark a short order at me, such as to hand my passport to the check in lady.
I was growing more miserable by the second, hating how Mason was acting. It was even worse than when we both despised each other. At least then he had acknowledged me as an actual human being, even if it were just to insult or mock me. But now, I was met with an icy exterior of the former Mason, and I didn't know much longer I could take of it.
We finally found our boarding gate half an hour in advance, and the both of us slumped into a pair of seats, tension thick between us. We sat like that for a couple of minutes, Mason still and brooding, while I was a fidgeting ball of nerves.
How the hell could this be us right now? We had been kissing and dancing only last night and now we were acting like strangers.
Finally, I broke, unable to manage the deathly silence any longer.
"So is this it?" I questioned, my voice hoarser than I'd expected.
At my words, every feature and limb of Mason's stiffened, and I was hit with the painful realisation that he really didn't want to speak to me.
Well too bad.
Mason just flexed his jaw before, "Is what it?"
Honestly, I was just relieved that he had answered my question.
"Are you just going to sit there and act like I don't exist anymore?"
Mason didn't even glance at me before saying, "If I was acting like you didn't exit, I wouldn't have replied."
I stared dumbfounded at him, momentarily thrown. Mason remained looking forward, his entire body coiled with tension.
"You know what I mean." I eventually said. "I mean, you can't even look at me right now."
At that, Mason let out a slow, measured breath before he shifted his head to face mine. His dark, amber eyes connected with mine, and again, I felt lost for words.
"There. I'm looking at you now. Any more requests?"
I flinched at his inexpressive, hollow tone, and suddenly wished that he would shout and scream at me, get angry with me. Anything but this awful coldness.
"Please don't be like this." I whispered, pleading him with my eyes. "I know you're angry with me Mason, and I'm so sorry for what I said, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, but please don't completely shut me out."
For the first time that day, Mason's mask momentarily slipped, and a hot flash of anger lit up his features.
"Don't Rose."
A frown turned my mouth down. "Don't what? Tell you how I feel? Because I-"
"Just don't." He interrupted, his voice having taken on an icy sharpness to it.
"I don't have anything to say to you right now."
I sat there stumped, unable to understand.
"So what?" I asked tersely. "You just want to go on ignoring me?"
Mason turned his head back around, and my heart fell to my stomach.
"If you'd let me- yes."
I should have shut up at that point. I should have given Mason more time, and talked to him when we both weren't so high-strung. However, anger was starting to bubble within me, and I couldn't for the life of me stop my mouth from moving.
"You know, I know what I said was inexcusable, but you're not exactly innocent here either."
At that, Mason let out a heavy sigh that was almost a groan. He brought a hand up to warily rub at his eyes, but his jaw was clenched. "Are you deaf? I just told you that I don't want to talk. So could you please, for once in your life, just fucking listen to me?"
And then I did.
I let my mouth fall shut and slowly turned around in my seat, a dull hollowness spreading through my body.
~~~
If I had learnt anything from my entire Exchange experience, it would be not to get into a fight with the person you'll be sharing a minimal-spaced, eleven-hour airplane journey with.
It really wasn't worth it.
We were six hours into the flight and Mason and I hadn't yet uttered a word to each other. The time had passed by slowly and torturously, and how I was going to manage the next half of the journey was unbeknown to me.
Mason hadn't yet let up on his stony silence, and if I hadn't been hyper-aware of the warmth radiating off of his skin or the spicy scent of his cologne or his hand that was resting tauntingly between us, I might have forgotten he was sitting next to me.
But unfortunately, Mason's presence was too large to be ignored, and so I found myself turning away from him and clasping my hands tightly against my lap in order to control my urges.
I was in the window seat again, despite the fact that, like last time, it was Mason's ticket which held the desired seat. However, again like last time, he had let me move in first, standing by the aisle and gesturing his head forward. This time though, I had a feeling he was offering me the seat more for his benefit rather than my own. Obviously the thought of being trapped between a wall and the person he was currently detesting, didn't appeal much to him.
I sighed and glanced surreptitiously to my right. I had lost track of how many movies Mason had watched now. Four? Five? He was halfway through some action/comedy flick, but despite the excitement playing out on the screen, his face held an expression of boredom and his eyes looked unimpressed.
Then talk to me, you idiot. I thought bitterly.
But he didn't. And thus with helplessness, I curled into my body with my back facing Mason, and shut my eyes- hoping the the next time I opened them we'd be home.
~~~
I don't know how long I'd been asleep for when a loud shout suddenly ripped me from my slumber.
Dazed and half unconscious, I turned my body to face Mason, and was shocked to see him writhing in his chair. His hands were fisted, his face twisted in pain, and my heart leapt into my throat.
"No." He suddenly gasped, whipping his head to the side. "No!"
Wide awake now, I quickly reached over and shook Mason's arm, desperate to wake him from his nightmare.
"Mason, wake up." I urged, tugging harder at his arm. "Mason."
His eyes flew open so quickly that I jerked back in surprise.
They were wide and panicked, and glinting with unshed tears.
My heart clenched.
Oh Mason.
They then rapidly appraised me, shock and fear taking over his expression.
"Sara-"
He stopped himself, realisation dawning over his features, and I wondered if he had fully awoken yet.
"Rose." He breathed out, before his face crumpled and he let his head drop.
I was momentarily stunned to see Mason so anguished, but I soon snapped out of it and lifted the arm rest between us, shuffling closer to him.
"Hey." I murmured, wishing he would look at me. Tentatively I reached my hand forward and slowly cupped the side of his face.
Mason didn't react to my touch, he didn't move at all, and I desperately tried to comfort him.
"It was just a nightmare." I whispered, bringing my other hand and placing it gently on the side of his neck. "It's okay."
It felt like the entire plane was silent, aside from my urgent whispers, and I longed for some privacy.
"It wasn't a nightmare."
I inhaled slightly, partly out of relief that he was responding, and partly because he hadn't spoken directly to me for the last seven hours. However, his tone, low and emotionless, brought along a feeling of wariness.
After a moment of silence on my part, I said a little unsurely, "It wasn't?"
"No. It was too real to be one."
Mason then lifted his head and in response, I slowly withdrew my hands. Currently, I had no idea where we stood, no idea what Mason's feelings were towards me, and so I kept my distance, not wanting to antagonise the situation any further.
He was staring straight ahead, and any earlier signs of weakness had vanished, leaving a blank expression on his face.
Knowing subconsciously that he was thinking about his sister, I asked, "Does this happen a lot?"
Mason let out a long breath, closing his eyes briefly. "The dreams? Yeah."
I really shouldn't have been surprised considering the large secret Mason had been harbouring all of these months, however I still felt stupidly ignorant for not knowing.
"Oh." I said lamely
Silence fell between us, a tense, awkward silence that was filled with uncertainty. And I hated it.
Then, "Sorry I woke you up. You can go back to sleep."
My stomach flipped at his words, and as I watched him turn over and shut his eyes, I was filled with a sudden and violent desperation to keep him talking.
"Your dad phoned me last night."
I blurted out the words on impulse, and the second they exited my mouth, I longed to take them back.
Mason's eyes snapped open and his entire jaw stiffened.
I closed my eyes briefly, cursing my stupidity.
Slowly straightening in his seat, Mason regarded me coolly.
"He did?"
I nodded, biting my lip instinctively.
"Yeah... he was, uh, worried about you."
His amber eyes narrowed and scepticism filled his expression.
"What did he say?"
Mason's voice was quiet and low, bordering on dangerous.
I glanced foreword briefly, feeling panic beginning to build. Did I lie? Did I tell him that I knew?
"He just asked me if you were okay. You weren't answering your phone."
Coward.
Mason scrutinised my expression more in that moment than he ever had before. His eyes were flat and unyielding, whilst his mouth curled with suspicion. I twisted uncomfortably under his intense gaze.
He then surprised me suddenly by bringing his hand up and placing two fingers against my hot cheek. The gesture held no intimacy in it however. It was detached and with purpose.
His voice was cold, edging on scorn.
"This, right here, tells me you're lying."
My face only grew hotter and with a sudden flash of anger, I jerked my head away from his touch.
"Well I wouldn't be the first."
I groaned internally. Why the hell couldn't I control my mouth? It obviously wasn't, and wouldn't, make the situation better, but despite that, I was having a hard time keeping my emotions in check.
On the one hand I was still angry about what he'd said to me last night. On the other, I felt guilty for being angry considering what he was going through. But how was it fair that I was the only guilty party in all of this? Why did Mason get to play the victim and ice me out like he had done nothing wrong too?
He'd been the one to take out all of his anger on me. He'd been the one to lash out first.
But you did push him into telling you about his dead sister. On the night of her death anniversary.
He had been lying to me for months though.
Again, about his dead sister. A pretty viable reason. It's not like he'd been cheating.
Screw my goddamn conscience.
I inhaled and attempted to rectify my hostile words.
"I'm sorry." My words were quiet, yet sincere. "I'm not trying to pick a fight with you."
Mason's gaze was still hard, however something softened at my words. Just briefly.
"Then tell me what he said."
My heart began to pick up in its pace and I shook my head slowly.
"I've told you what-"
"Rose."
Mason's sudden proximity made me falter and I found myself staring into his eyes, his nose nearly brushing mine, his lips painfully close to my own.
His scent clouded my thoughts and I felt crushed under the intensity of his presence, his gaze, just him in general. I had a feeling though, somewhere far in the back of my mind, that Mason knew exactly what he was doing.
"Tell me." His sweet breath wafted over me, and unconsciously, I leaned in closer to him.
His eyes were steady on mine, but mixed with so many emotions. I saw anger, fear, panic, but overall, pain. An overwhelming pain that barrelled right through me.
I closed my eyes and dropped my head slightly, unable to look at him. I could feel tears building behind my eyelids, and in utter helplessness, I slowly shook my head.
"Mason..." I whispered, not wanting to say the words, not wanting to hurt him any further, not wanting to be so pathetically weak in front of him.
Upon hearing his sharp inhale, I opened my eyes. Through my blurry vision, I slowly took in his shocked expression and the raw vulnerability playing out on his features.
He knew. He knew that I knew. And never in my life had I seen Mason so exposed.
As we both stared at each other in some sort of surreal silence, I wondered distantly what had shocked Mason more. That I knew about his deceased sister, something he'd been trying to keep from me for all of these months? Or that someone, regardless of who it was, finally knew.
Watching his expression now, I had a feeling that it was the latter. However, I found it hard to believe that I was the only person who knew, besides his family of course. He must have told someone.
There was no way Mason had carried the load of his sister's death alone all of these years...
Shock coursed though me at as I gazed upon the broken boy in front of me, my revelation hitting me square in the chest.
"Oh God, Mason." I barely whispered, pain and sympathy cracking my voice.
He looked so lost. So lost and hurt and unable to do anything about it.
I knew he was trying to keep a brave face, clenching his jaw beyond its capacity and breathing as though he had just run a mile. It was clear he was trying to contain it, to bury his deep-rooted emotions down even further, to pass off like he was Mr-fucking-high-and-cheerful once again, until-
Until his entire composure broke, shattered into a billion jagged pieces, and he pulled me towards him so abruptly that I basically fell into his lap.
A small gasp left my lips at the unforeseen movement.
"Mas-"
His lips cut me off, hard and unyielding. I was stunned for a moment, unable to comprehend how we had gone from not talking, to arguing, to kissing all in the space of a few minutes.
I tried to pull back, knowing his kiss wasn't coming from a place of comfort or affection, but rather one of pain and the desperation to seek some sort of solace.
And I apparently was that solace.
"Mason." I managed to get out, his lips furious against my own. "Stop-"
His mouth swiftly moved to my neck, and I almost groaned with frustration.
"Please." His voice was low, clipped, lined with desperation. He slid a hand under my shirt, his fingers grazing my lower back, sending goose bumps up my spine.
"Just let me kiss you." He mumbled, holding me tightly against him, and running his lips across my jaw.
I bit my lip, trying to fight his temptations.
"This isn't what you need-"
"It's exactly what I need." He insisted, attempting to go for my lips again, his eyes dark and hooded and almost unfamiliar. "I can't fucking think about all of this shit right now. I need a distraction; I need you-"
His words were like a slap to the face, and suddenly, his lips, his hands, his touch, made me feel sick.
I roughly pushed him off of me, rage igniting within.
"I'm not a fucking whore Mason."
His expression appeared slightly dazed at the sudden distance between us, which then quickly turned to confusion at my words.
"I never said-"
"You can't go from ignoring me for an entire day to kissing me out of the blue, just because you can't handle your own damn emotions." I snapped.
His face darkened.
"You don't get to use me as your distraction from reality." I enforced firmly, my eyes locked on his own. "You can use everyone else, but not me."
Our glares were both hard and unwavering, until Mason rolled his eyes. The action in itself made me want to hit him.
"It was just kissing Rose." He eventually dismissed, turning his head from me. "No need to make such a big deal out of it."
I shook me head in disbelief, my mouth open in complete mystification.
"What is wrong with you?" I eventually asked. "Honestly, I feel like I'm speaking to a different person."
He let out a heavy exhale, dropping his head back against the seat.
His voice was almost bored when he spoke, however the tenseness of his body next to mine showed otherwise.
"Nothing is wrong with me. I'm just saying-" He sighed, and I watched as he ran a hand through his dark blonde locks. "Whatever. I'm sorry I kissed you, it won't happen-"
"That wasn't you kissing me." I interrupted sharply. "That was you forcing yourself onto me."
The comment was slightly harsh, but I didn't care. I was pissed. And it got the intended reaction.
He snapped his head to me and narrowed his eyes.
"I didn't force myself-"
I scoffed. "Oh yeah, 'cause I was totally enjoying that manhandled make-out just then."
His eyes flashed dangerously, but I kept my gaze level, challenging him to try and defend himself. He was silent, seething, but silent as his fist curled and uncurled between us.
And it was in that moment, whilst both of us were glaring at each other with so much anger, so much detestation, that I realised we had come back full circle. Despite everything that happened in the last months, here we were, once again, hating each other.
The revelation was like a punch to the stomach.
And suddenly, I was tired. The fight left me and with it, my body sagged, unable to hold onto my anger anymore. Because what was the point? I could get as angry as I wanted to, but that wasn't going to magically have an effect on Mason. He had lived with walls and secrets and boundaries for his entire life, and I had been naïve to assume I could change that.
I couldn't fix Mason's grief. Perhaps I had been able to temporarily make it disappear, but ultimately, it would always come back, and until he completely healed, I realised that I didn't have a place in Mason's life.
Mason's real life. Not the sugar coated, silver-lined façade that he had created. But the world where he dealt with the loss of his sister, struggled with the absence of his mother, drowned under the superficial expectations of school.
Because that was it. Mason was sinking, drowning, and despite thinking I could save him, I couldn't, not if he didn't want saving.
Slightly dazed, I turned to face Mason who seemed to have lost the momentum to his anger too. He was staring down, his brows furrowed, lips set, wearing an expression I couldn't quite interpret.
I stared at him for a second longer, my heart heavier than I had ever felt it, wishing fleetingly, whimsically, that he would smile up at me, laugh, assure me that he was in fact okay.
But he wouldn't, I knew that. And so I opened my mouth.
"Maybe you were right."
The words weren't mine. Mason had spoken lowly, his eyes still trained on the floor, momentarily distracting me from my own line of thoughts.
"About what?"
"Us." His tone was almost resigned and with a sigh, he slowly sat up straight.
Despite everything I had been previously thinking and feeling, dread curdled in my stomach.
"What are you talking about?"
Mason slowly tilted his head until his gaze met my own, and I suddenly felt young underneath it. Inexperienced. Condescended.
"I'm talking about what you said that night in the sanatorium." He explained, his face blank of emotion. "About me and you. It's true. We run in different social circles, we have different hobbies, different priorities."
His eyes held mine steadily, and again, the expression in them was indistinguishable.
"Maybe we were over our heads thinking we could just... mesh our lives together. We're complete opposites that come from completely opposite worlds- I just can't see it working out. I mean look at us. We're not even home yet and we're already at each others throats."
He shrugged then. A cold, frank shrug.
"Obviously the last three months have been great, amazing even, but maybe it's better if we just returned back to reality without all of this weighing down on us. It'll just get messy and tiring, and I don't want to hurt you anymore –"
"Reality?"
The word felt humorous coming out of my mouth. Like a sick, twisted joke that only I got.
I watched Mason through a layer of numbness, and as his composed expression faltered for the first time, I found myself pitying him.
A cold, scornful pity that had me curling my lips into a smile.
My voice sounded foreign to my ears when I spoke.
"It's just pretty ironic seeing as though your entire 'reality' is a lie."
I laughed. It was a harsh and ugly sound.
"You're captain of the football team, yet you hate the game. You act like popularity and money and parties are all important to you, but they're not. The people you call 'friends', are all social climbers, and the worst part of all- the worst part- is that you smile and try to pass off that you're happy with the life you're living. But you're not. You're clearly and obviously not."
I shook my head, my eyes narrowing in contempt.
"You're a coward Mason. I may not have your charm or confidence, but at least I'm not living a fucking lie. You're using our differences in lifestyles as an excuse to end it all, when in reality, you can't man up and face the fact that you still haven't recovered from losing your sister. And you never will, not until you accept it.
"This is your life now. This is it. You went through shit, awful shit, and now things are different. You're not the same guy who comes home to a perfect family, with his future set in stone, and without a care in the world. And so what? Who the fuck cares if you're not the same Mason? I sure as hell didn't.
"What are you so ashamed of anyway? That you've experienced pain? Loss? I mean you hide your sister's death like it's some sort of dirty secret. She was your sister-"
"I know she was my sister." Mason hissed out, eyes lighting up dangerously, but face as white as a ghost.
"Then stop trying to wipe out her entire existence! She deserves more than that. You deserve more than that-"
I abruptly broke off as my emotions threatened to get the best of me. Looking down, I distantly noticed that my hands were shaking. I opened my mouth to say more, but physically found that I couldn't.
I felt drained and exhausted and overwhelmed. I felt sick.
It must have been a couple of minutes before Mason eventually spoke.
"I guess I didn't really ever know how poorly you thought of me."
His word were low and hollow. There was no challenge in them, no bitterness, no urge for me to deny the statement.
They were just plain and honest and matter-of-fact. And something inside of me broke, knowing that Mason thought that.
However, I couldn't reply, couldn't look at him. All I could do was keep my head down, despite my heart beating and my eyes stinging and my nails piercing the skin in my palms.
The silence between us threatened to drown me as we both sat still, unmoving, trying to comprehend what it all meant.
But when Mason reached his hand out and pulled down the raised armrest between us, effectively separating my body from his own, I knew exactly what it meant.
~~~
The next few hours passed in a blur. A tense, thick and silent blur.
I felt like a zombie for the duration of the flight. I understood what had happened, knew that Mason and I were definitely over, but somehow, couldn't find it in me to react.
His presence next to mine was distant and the only glance I got of him was out of my peripheral vision. Like me, he sat the rest of the hours still and upright, staring straight ahead.
I only noticed a change in his posture once, and that was during the landing when my fingers instinctively clenched at the armrest. His eyes had flickered down to my death grip whilst his own hand curled into a fist, but he soon relaxed it and swiftly turned his head away.
We departed the plane like robots, moving stiffly and instinctively, and exited amongst the masses of other people.
I was momentarily sparked out of my dazed state at the familiar sound of the American accent, which filled me with a sharp, bitter-sweet pang in my stomach.
We received our bags from the carousel, and as silly and petty as it was, I felt a crushing sadness when Mason didn't automatically move to carry my luggage.
However, it was when we finally reached the arrival gates that I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Because for some reason, standing on the inside of them, meant it wasn't entirely finished yet. It was still just Mason and I. It was still us, together, untouched by the weight of family and friends and our contrasting lives. And in those few, short moments, there was still a minuscule chance that we could fix things.
But as soon as we walked through the doors, I knew there was no hope. Exchange would be over and so would we. The bubble we'd blissfully been living in for the last three months would burst, the allusion we'd created crushed, and our relationship completely and totally obliterated.
I looked over at Mason, and was shocked to see him staring back at me.
His eyes were smouldering, glowing, so focused and intense that I felt myself momentarily stunned.
My gaze was caught in his, and I stood there with baited breath, wanting, hoping, longing for him to say something, and like a spell, magically fix everything that had gone wrong.
But when the automatic doors slid open, Mason let out a long exhale, clutched his handle, and stepped through. And just like that, it was over. All of it.
I stood there for another five minutes, attempting to regain some sense of composure, before I slowly stepped through. My eyes automatically searched the room for Mason, but he was nowhere in sight.
However, they then landed on a tall, blonde-haired woman with eyes the colour of my own, frantically searching the crowd.
"Mom." I breathed out.
In a stupor, I moved quickly through the bustling people, my eyes set on the face I knew every line to, feeling the full weight of my mother's absence in that very moment, only a meter away from her.
Impatiently, I abandoned my luggage, and took the final few strides before throwing my arms around her warm, surprised body.
"Mom." I choked out, burying my face into her shoulder and breathing in her comforting, floral scent.
Her arms wrapped around my own body and embraced me tightly.
"Rose." She breathed out. The single word was filled with so much joy, contentment, love, that I felt tears spring to my eyes. However, mixed together with my current emotional state, my feelings were heightened and I immediately found myself crying on her shoulder.
My mother smoothed a hand down my hair and softly consoled me in a low, melodic voice.
"There, there, my angel. It's alright. Everything's alright."
And in that brief, insignificant moment- basked in the security and solace of my mother's hug- it was.
~~~
Okay, so now I really do need to apologise. I have been writing seriously important exams of late and as much as I love writing, I also love having a future. So Exchange was temporarily set aside.
I am really sorry for the inconvenience and irritation, but know that I am back, finished with exams, and keen to finish this book (pretty soon). Thanks to all of those who have stuck by throughout to see Exchange through. Love you so much.
Hope you enjoyed the chapter.
P.S- sorry for all of the gloom and doom, things will be changing very soon.