Chapter 11
She took a breath and already I could tell whatever it was she wanted to talk about had her extremely nervous. Not that I could blame her, my own heart was beating at a thousand miles a minute just from seeing her.
"Well, there's this girl," she started, tugging at the frayed edges of her black and purple jacket, "We haven't known each other very long. In fact our meeting was by pure chance, but we've spent some time together and we used to talk on the phone. Everything was going fine until I messed it all up."
"How did you mess up?" I inquired curious to see where this conversation would be heading. She took a breath and tugged her fingers through her hair, shuffling on her feet as she tried to find the right way to explain. I swallowed hard and smoothed my hands across the skirt of my dress, my own anxiety rising as silence occurred around us.
"I kissed her." She spoke so softly I almost didn't hear what she said. I leaned forward slightly, careful not to give away too much of my face to her,
"I'm sorry, can you please repeat that?"
She looked up at me, her eyes shining under the glow of one of the nearby street lamps.
"I kissed her, we were out having a picnic and a nice time and I kissed her. She had every right to be upset with me, I shouldn't have done something so brazen without her permission. But I can't stop thinking about her; I can't stop thinking that maybe there had been something there, that maybe if I hadn't been so forward and if I had just taken things a little slower maybe we really could've had something."
Through the screen I could see her eyes watering and my heart rocked with my own sadness and guilt. In going through my own exploration, I didn't stop to think about how the sudden separation would've effected Roxanne, let alone my own heart.
"I'm sure she isn't upset with you. Have you tried to contact her?"
"Yes, I keep thinking about calling or texting her but I always back out, I always get afraid that she'll tell me not to bother her or not to contact her and I don't know if I can handle that. "
I sighed and ran my hand down my face, not caring if I smudged my makeup at this point, nothing mattered besides how we were feeling. What were the odds that we would have the same fears, the same reservations, the same emotions towards each other. It had only been a few weeks, not nearly enough time for anything concrete to flourish; but I wanted to know Roxanne much better, I wanted to be able to develop and create something special with her.
"She doesn't want to stop talking to you." I said after moments of silence. Roxanne stopped and looked up at me, her eyes shinning with partial tears.
"How do you know that?"
I swallowed my nerves and pushed open the door to the booth and stepped out, walking around to the front of the booth and facing Roxanne.
"Because I feel the same way."
She froze and looked at me, her eyes widening in shock. I blushed and scratched the back of my head sheepishly, hoping I hadn't just made a mistake myself.
"You, you really mean that? You're not just saying that because I just basically poured my heart out to you? Because if this is just out of pity please save it."
"No Roxanne, I'm not trying to pity you. I mean it, it's why I haven't been talking to you lately myself. You surprised me with something like that and I needed time to process what happened and how I felt about it. I don't hate you, I highly doubt I'd be able to. I just needed some time to think."
She nodded her head and tucked her hands into the pockets of her jeans, rocking back and forth on her heels in silence. I gulped and smoothed the sweat from my hands onto my dress. The streets were all but deserted now, with most of the people having gone to the spirit house or some other activity. All that remained were a few of the college kids talking and laughing amongst themselves and laughing loudly, they were far too absorbed into their own conversations to really hear, or care about what Roxanne and I were talking about.
"Well," she mumbled after moments of silence, "I'm glad you don't hate me, and I don't blame you for not talking to me. I shouldn't have been so bold, I'm sorry."
I shrugged and wrapped my jacket closer around my body, the oncoming breeze was cooler than expected for this time of year. She looked at me expectantly and I noticed the absolute brilliance that shone in her eyes, the way her mascara clung to and clotted her eyelashes together in a streak of blue color and how her eyeliner started to partially run because of her tears,
"What is it you want to do?"
"Let's just, talk okay? The festival is still going on inside and we can walk around the town square just a bit and just talk." I said while extending my hand to her.
Roxanne glanced down at my hand hesitantly before offering a hooked arm to me instead,
"It might not look as bad if we hook arms, girls do that all the time."
I nodded and hooked my arm through hers and we started off.
The walk around town was nice, Roxanne and I caught up on the events of our lives since we last spoke, Roxanne apologies profusely about how inappropriate she had been at every chance she got. She told me about how she spoke about the incident to her aunt, being careful not to include my name, and how she went into a frenzy about how she should talk to me and make things right before it was too late.
"For a second I thought she was going to throw me into the car and drive me around until she found you." She laughed while pushing herself slightly on the swing. The park was empty, the sounds of summer cicadas chirping rattled around in my brain as we talked.
"I haven't known Deaconess Leliana long, but that sounds exactly like something she would do."
"Oh trust me, she would. When I first came out to her she wanted to throw a party, take me to dinner."
"Seriously? Isn't that a bit over the top?"
"Yeah, it could be," she shrugged and fluffed her afro, "But the most important thing was she accepted me."
"Especially with what happened between you and your parents I imagine?"
She nodded and looked up at the sky, the stars dancing in her eyes as she puffed out a breath of clear white smoke.
"Are you ever going to talk to yours?"
Roxanne asked after a few moments of comfortable silence. I looked at her almost in disbelief, I knew we had talked about our families before and I told her about how devout they were, and my mother's usual tirades against Caprice and everything she does.
"I highly doubt I will, I know they won't take it well." I started while reaching to play with my hair,
"No you don't," she countered, "How they act about Caprice doesn't always dictate how they'll act with you. You're their daughter they're supposed to love you unconditionally."
"Then your parents need to learn that lesson huh?"
She threw her head back and laughed, it was loud and boisterous and echoed out across the street. A few standalone people glanced over to see what was going on, but when they realized it was nothing gossip worthy they turned and went back to their own business.
"Yeah, I supposed they do. But my folks are nothing like yours Alicia."
"How do you know that?"
"Just by the way you talk about them, they're not perfect but they aren't horrible too. Besides, I think they'd be more upset if you kept it from them, I had accepted myself long before my mother caught me with that girl, I like to think sometimes that maybe if I had told her the resulting outcome would've been different."
We continued to walk and eventually found ourselves walking through the park, the grass moist with evening dew and littered with the remains of orange and black plastic stripes of confetti, discarded novelty toys and half eaten bite sized candy bars. I felt really bad for the people who signed up for the cleanup committee this year.
Sitting on the nearby swings, I sighed loudly and leaned back to allow my body to sway slightly and relished in the weightless feeling it brought.
"I don't know if I can Roxanne, I mean I grew up my whole life learning about the Bible and what are sins and what aren't and it just still feels so...odd if that makes sense?"
"It does, I felt the same way a little bit when I was younger. And listen I'm not saying throw on as much rainbow as your possibly can and run around the town, nor am I saying to do this so soon. It's your decision Alicia, you can tell them whenever you want to."
I nodded and let go of the chains to the swing and just laid still, keeping my body as flat and as stiff as possible like a board.
"What are you doing?" She asked while trying to hold back a laugh, I shrugged and reached my hands down to feel the gravel as it brushed against my knuckles.
"Sometimes I do this when I'm trying to think." I replied while turning slightly to look at her. She laughed louder and leaned back as well, her hair falling all around her face in a mass of curls which made her look like a puffy makeup brush. I laughed and she quirked an eyebrow at me,
"What, pray tell, is so funny Alicia Kurt?"
"Leaning back like that makes you look like a makeup brush." I said as another fit of giggles started to form. Roxanne frowned in mock anger and reached to flick my forehead.
"You really are a strange one at times."
"Oh trust me, Caprice says the exact same thing and I can say the exact same thing about her."
"I remember, she picked up a random stranger at the club and went home with her after ten minutes of talking, no normal person does that."
"Well Caprice never did think with the brain God gave her."
We laughed together and laid like that for a while, watching the stars and listening to the sounds of the town as it quieted down. The silence between us was as natural as the sky was blue, we were comfortable as we watched the twinkling stars with their brilliance.
I looked up and let myself ponder over Roxanne's words, how she felt so sure about mr telling my parents how I felt, about myself and about Roxanne. I looked over at her, her eyes were closed and I could see the creases in her eyelids highlighted by the heavy makeup. She looked at peace, she was no doubt thinking like I was, but it didn't show on her face. There were no signs of worry or doubt or fear anywhere on her face, she looked to be completely calm.
"What does this mean about us?"
I finally asked after moments of silence. Gripping the chains of the swing, I pulled myself back up into a sitting position and had to fight the sudden dizziness that overcame me. Roxanne was quiet for a while before pulling herself up and fluffing her afro back out and rearranging it on her head,
"Well, I'm not really sure. We've both admitted our feelings for each other and thankfully it's a mutual feeling, but if you're still unsure about your sexuality and everything else it'd be good not to push it."
"Yeah but, I've done all the reading I can and watching movies and doing just regular soul searching. Would it be so bad to just, see where this goes?"
"I don't know. Do I want us to have some kind of relationship? Yes, but at the same time...I don't wanna get attached to you and something happens and you find this isn't who you are."
She dug her heels into the gravel and pushed with a creak from the chains and swung aimlessly, her eyes not meaning mine as she instead choose to stare at the humming street lights. I could feel a wave of sadness radiating off of her, like she suddenly remembered something she had been trying to forget.
"Roxanne," i started while glancing over at her, "Did something like that happen to you?"
"It doesn't matter about what happened to me, we're talking about you." She snapped suddenly.
I looked at her concerned and she sighed, reaching a hand up to play with the curls of her Afro.
"I'm sorry I brought that up, but it's not something I want to talk about right now. Maybe another time, when we're closer."
I nodded out of respect and was suddenly cut off by the sound of my phone ringing. Apologizing to Roxanne, I pulled it out and answered,
"Hello?"
"Yo girlie, are you busy? I need you to come over." It was Caprice, only something sounded wrong. She was panting heavily and her voice was cracked and hoarse,
"Hey hey, calm down and talk to me. What's wrong?"
"I-I can't say, I-I just n-need you here girlie. Please"
"I'm with Roxanne."
There was a loud, exasperated sigh followed by moments of silence and I could feel my worries start to grow.
"Caprice?"
"Just bring her with you, or don't. I don't care just...just come to my place. Now."
The line went dead and I was even more puzzled as I looked over at Roxanne who was watching me with a similar expression.
"Is everything alright? What did Caprice want?"
I shrugged and began to collect my purse while standing. Roxanne did the same and tucked her hands into her pockets,
"I'm going to go see her, she didn't tell me what was wrong but something doesn't feel right."
"Then I'm coming with you, whatever you need I can try to help."
I nodded and we started running towards Caprice's place. My mind racing with all the possibilities of what could've happened.
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Dun dun duuuunnn
I'm so glad to be getting back into the swing of updating.
What did you all think? Has something bad happened to Caprice? Will Alicia and Roxanne make it in time?
Comment what you think and share with your friends.
I'll see you next week on The World According to Alicia.