"Well, here goes nothing," I sighed as I pulled onto road and headed towards New York, "Friday can you get Tony on the phone?"
"Yes, dialing now," Friday replied.
It rang twice before Tonys tired voice answered, "I'm assuming Nat or Bucky called you guys?"
"Nat called me, what the fuck's going on?" I snapped, watching the road in front of me.
"Okay, one, why are you mad at me? And two did you know about this?" He asked angrily, while I heard the clanking of glass.
"I didn't know for sure, till this weekend, but don't get mad at me or Steve, and I'm not taking sides here, but even you said how surprised you were that Bruce and Nat were even still together," I snapped back, "and Steve tried telling both her and Bucky to tell Bruce, but Nat has her secrets, and apparently this goes back to Russia, and the Red Room."
"That's no excuse babe," Tony replied, exhaling into the phone.
"I'm not making it an excuse here Tony, just don't tell Bruce until we get there. If he Hulks out then we're all screwed, and if he hurts Tasha it'll only piss me off," I urged, slightly smiling at the lights of Steve's bike coming up behind me, "how did you find out anyway?"
"The day before you left, I saw them being chummy in the common kitchen, I mean they've always been rather close, but this time it kinda stuck in my head. Then I caught them cuddled up asleep in the common room later on that evening. At first I didn't really think it was possible, but yesterday, I drove into the garage and caught them on top of his bike," he almost chuckled, but the seriousness of the situation beckoned his anger, "I was shocked, which doesn't happen very often."
"Tony, I know how much Bruce means to you, but, like I said, and from what Steve told me, this goes back to Nat and Buck's history together," I yawned, "I'll be home in a few.."
"What? Wait..are you driving back, now?" He asked angrily.
"Yes. Steve wanted to get back just in case," I replied quickly, and wiped my face.
"Lovely, well I told Barnes he needed to leave, until they figure out what they're gonna do. They need to tell Banner, but since they left, I'm going to assume Natasha's going with him, and they're headed to your house?" He scoffed, and released another tired sigh.
Tony seemed just as irritated as I did, but tired, almost depressingly so, and it made me wonder what else was going on.
"Yes they both are, but Tony, this really isn't our problem. This is between the three of them, and we're not gonna choose sides over something like this. I won't watch you guys go through that again, no matter how angry you are or Banner gets. Bruce hasn't been the same since Ultron, and maybe if he paid more attention to his girlfriend, she wouldn't have needed to find solace in another man's arms," I barked, the anger in my voice was palpable, and flaring the closer we came to New York.
I didn't agree with Nat's choices, but what was happening is one of the oldest stories in the book, and from the tone in Nat's voice, she didn't expect it to get this far, but I heard the care in her voice. In all honesty, most of us were surprised when her and Bruce started dating, it was like night and day, but I guess maybe Tasha saw a kindred spirit in him, the quiet monster she believed layed in her, as well. Yet, through all that, there was never a middle ground for them. He even left her, for over a year, expecting just to walk back into her life, but she let him, until James came home. That's when things started changing, for the three of them, and while I cared for Bruce, Tasha was so happy lately, and Buck was the one to thank for that.
Oh, I was angry at all of them, but this needed to be handled discreetly and carefully. Hopefully without bloodshed, and the Hulk making an appearance.
"Oh so this is Bruce's fault?!" Tony yelled, bringing me back to the dark road ahead of me, "don't go there (y/n), don't put all of this on Banner.."
"He is responsible for some of it, and you're fucken stupid to think it isn't, so yes and no," I challenged, "you know, when Bruce came back Nat was beyond ecstatic, she thought he had come back for her. It didn't take long to see that she was wrong. I mean, she hasn't seen Bruce in over a month, but like I said, it's not my problem, nor yours, but you can't say your suprised. When Bucky came back from Wakanda he obviously gave her what she needed. This just isn't about the sex Tony, but even a woman like Red wants companionship and love, we all do," I added through clinched teeth, "I don't agree how they went about it, but even you should understand both sides of this story. You work all the time, you spend so much time in that fucking lab, at SHIELD, or at Stark Industries, hell, even when we were together I was constantly alone, having to find other people to spend my time with instead of you, because you were too busy to spend time with me, and I'm so glad Pepper seems to be able to handle that, but it's the same shit, the only difference is, I left. I think Nat was still holding out hope that Bruce would change, that's probably the only reason why she couldn't let him go," I stammered, swallowing the emotion lumped in my throat, and the memories I really didn't want to think about.
We'd been friends since I was twenty four, and I loved him, and would do anything for him, but I never focused or brought up the one year relationship we tried. It wasn't a messy break up, but there was yelling, pleading, and while we went back to the way it was a few months later, I hated that I hurt him, but he hurt me too, and right now, this shit rippled with familiarity.
It'd been a long time since I thought about our past relationship together, I mean really thought of it, and I sure as hell didn't want to bring it up or talk about it, but Natasha's problem was similar to the one I had with Tony.
I blinked away tears as some of those lonely nights crossed my mind, but that was over, and my wonderful husband was behind me, on his bike.
Yet, my mind leaped with Tony's heavy breathing. As friends Tony and I spent more time together than we did as a couple, and at first I tried to move passed it because I believed he was my happily ever after, but after a few months, the only thing we were good at was sex, and that wasn't enough for me. He supposedly tried to be there, but after a year, my shadowed heart just wasn't willing to wait anymore, and Steve came along not too long after. It struck me once again how quickly Steve and I started seeing each other, but Tony gave me his blessing, not that I needed it, and told me to be happy, which is the same thing we needed to do with Natasha and Bucky.
The line stayed quiet for a minute, and Tony's breaths crackled over the speaker, "that was a low blow, even for you babygirl, (y/n), I.." the raw emotion in his voice carried over the phone, and my stomach heaved, "you should have said something."
"I'm sorry I brought it up, and it doesn't matter now, but I did Tony, or at least I tried," I whispered, and lurched forward, nearly sobbing at the change in his voice.
But I did try, yes I left because what we were doing felt odd, and the only thing we were really good at was sex, using it to make up for what our relationship lacked, but maybe if he'd listened to what I said or even tried, really tried, things would of been different.
I didn't really believe that, because of Steve, and Tony had Pepper. I'm glad things did turn out differently because I loved Steve, he was my beacon of hope and light, the man I wanted to grow old with. I mean I loved Tony as one of the most important people in my life, but the mind wondered sometimes, like it was now.
"You didn't try hard enough, neither of us did," Tony admitted, clearing his throat and sighing.
"Um, that's neither here nor there Tony," I returned, absently wiping a few tears that had drifted down my cheeks, "I didn't mean to bring up old feelings or issues, I'm just asking you to understand, understand how it feels knowing that the one person you love would rather be holed up in a lab for days on end working on his suits or working on a cure, instead of spending a little time with you. Knowing that he's just a few floors away from you, but you've already been told three times 'I'll be up in a few' or 'I'm on a roll, I'll see you tomorrow', I mean for fucks sake Tony, since the rewriting of the accords and Ragnorak, Nat told me that her and Bruce would go weeks without seeing each other, months even, how long till it becomes to much?" I paused, and cleared my throat of tears, "all I'm asking you is.."
"Is that how you felt, that whole time, a fucken year?" Tony asked, his voice dripping with anger again, "I can't believe this, everything I did was for you, to protect you. After the panic attacks, and nightmares, I did the only thing I knew how to do. Keep working, keep preparing... You're the most important thing to me babygirl, more important than Pep, than the Avengers, I thought I was doing the right thing, all of it, for you."
"Tony?" I gasped, realizing where this conversation was headed, and swerved back into my lane as a horn honked behind me, "don't..you..what are you trying to say?"
"I'm sorry honey," Tony snorted thickly, and cleared his throat, "I... I gotta go.."
"Tony wait!" I shouted, hearing the phone click.
Everything washed over me as I fishtailed over to the side of the road and slammed my hands on the wheel as a flood of tears washed down my face.
The conversation I wanted to have with Tony about Natasha and Buck, turned out to be an eye opening realization. Flashes of Tony and how he was back then, all began making sense. No, he said he was in love with Pepper and we were both where we were meant to be, but his confession rocked me to my core, and guilt riddled my body like bullets.
After all this time, all those conversations we had about Steve and I, everything, including his one night stands, Pepper?
How could he still care about me like that, and still go on and listen to me talk about Steve, and the things going on?
Why didn't he say something?
We were friends, colleagues, and yet here I was on the side of the road, wondering just what in the hell he really meant, but I knew.
He couldn't still love me, not like that? He had a new girlfriend, and we hadn't been a couple in almost five years!
All this time!
My door burst open, "JESUS CHRIST, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, YOU BARELY MISSED THAT TREE... WHAT.." Steve stopped yelling as I turned my face towards his, "what's wrong?" He gasped, while his hand was warm on my cheek, and his eyes were worried and so blue, "what did Stark do?"
'No secrets, start fresh,' I thought, as I nuzzled into his hand.
"Tell me what's wrong, you're worrying me, and you really did miss that tree by a few feet," Steve reiterated again, "christ, it's like my life flashed in front of my eyes.."
"I..I don't..do you really want me to tell you? I don't even know what the hell to say right now," I scoffed, angrily brushing the tears off my face, "and even if it may piss you off, cause I'm mad as hell right now, and I'm so ashamed of myself? This isn't right, all this time..?" I babbled incoherently while he brushed my cheek with cold fingers.
"What? Why?" Steve asked hurriedly, "here scoot over sweetheart, and yes I want you to tell me, starting fresh, remember," he added, and lifted the steering wheel, before scooping me up and sitting me on his lap.
"Friday, can you replay the conversation between Tony and I?" I whispered, leaning into Steve's leather jacket. The smell of my husband relaxed me almost instantly, but the information I'd just learned sat heavily in my chest, almost breaking it.
"Mrs. Rogers are you sure that's appropriate?" Friday returned, "that conversation was between you and Mr. Stark."
"And I want to share it with my husband because I need to, I don't know what just happened, so please," I replied, feeling Steve's arms wrap around me, "I didn't know.., and I..I don't know what to do?"
"I understand and as you wish ma'am," she replied, automatically beginning the conversation.