When I got home I didn’t really know what to do with myself. My mum asked me a bit about the party, but she was so used to me going out and getting drunk that it didn’t matter anymore. Of course, she always worried when I went to parties, but so long as I came back okay nothing else mattered.
But I didn’t come back okay.
“What the hell happened to you?” she asked, dragging me under the light so she could get a better look at my cuts and bruises.
“Nothing.” I said quietly.
I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I left her standing there in the kitchen and went up to my room. I threw myself down on my bed and looked at the plain ceiling. I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I tried to read but only on my third attempt at the same paragraph did I realise I couldn’t be bothered. I tried to distract myself by playing a game on my PS3 but my eyes wouldn’t stay focused on the screen.
Even playing the guitar didn’t help.
So I simply stayed on my bed, staring into space. I’d meant what I said to Ray. I didn’t regret spending the night with him; I really, really regretted not being able to remember it. My first time properly being with a guy, and I couldn’t even remember the first kiss.
I heard a knock at the front door and mum answered it. Hushed voices, and then someone coming upstairs. A knock at my bedroom door.
“It’s us, Ash, open the door.” Dylan’s voice called.
I pulled on the lock on my door and the second it clicked he pushed the door open.
“How’re you feelin’?” Brad asked. His hair was all over the place and he had sunglasses on. Dylan and Aaron didn’t look so good either.
I looked at Brad.
He was the reason I’d discovered I was bisexual. At first I didn’t realise, I simply thought we had a strong, brotherly relationship on account of him being one of my best friends. It was only when- at a drunken party- that I had serious thoughts about kissing him that I realised I had a crush on him.
It always surprised me that girls favoured me to Brad. He had the ‘American Jock’ look perfected. He always wore a t-shirt, jeans and his favourite red baseball jacket with a pair of sneakers. Yes, he was a bit of an airhead, but he was also one of the nicest guys you’d ever meet.
Dylan was also good looking, as was Aaron, but Brad was the most. I thought they were all better looking than me- but girls seemed to disagree.
“My head feels like someone’s been pounding it… mainly because someone had been pounding it… but a little bit because of the hangover also. What about you three?” I asked. They all groaned and held their heads in answer to the question.
“So, what happened with you and Ray last night?” Aaron asked.
My heart skipped a beat.
They know…
“What d’you mean?” I asked.
“Well, when you went upstairs you never came back. We went up to check on you, all we knew was you were in his bedroom. And the door was locked. And those noises…” Dylan said, shaking his head.
Ohmygod…
“You seem to have escaped alright, though. I bet he has bruises.” Brad said brightly.
“Brad! That is so twisted!” I spat in disgust.
“What? We just want to know who won the fight.” Dylan said.
Crisis averted.
“Uh… no-one. We were so drunk we just started laughing and forgot about it. So, anyway, moving on- did any of you three hook up with anyone?” I asked, switching the topic at high speed.
“Well, Dylan spent half the night on top of Quinn, Aaron kissed Meg quite a lot- until she had a drunken breakdown- and I kissed no-one.” Brad told me. He seemed a bit sad about it.
Trust the guys to find a way to make me cheer up. We wound up Aaron by commenting on how fit his sister was and took the mick out of Brad’s dumbness.
Dylan pulled a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket, along with a lighter.
“Oh, c’mon dude, that’s grim.” Aaron groaned.
“Don’t you know what that does to your lungs? You won’t be able to play football or rugby as best as you can.” I told him, as we were all on the sports teams.
“I thought you said that you were just trying it out, that you hate it?” Brad said.
“Yeah, it’s absolutely disgusting.” Dylan informed us.
“So why the hell do you still do it?” we all asked. He shrugged and put one of the cigarettes to his mouth.
“C’mon, man, not in here. Do it in the garden.” I told him firmly.
“Oh, FIFA!” Aaron said, spotting my paused game. “C’mon Brad, give us a game!”
I left them to play and took Dylan out to the garden.
“What does Quinn thing about you smoking?” I asked him. He simply shrugged again. “How’s it goin’ with you two anyway?”
He paused for a moment before lighting up. Now was the time for me and Dylan to talk about her. It was the same with all of the guys; all of them would talk to me about their lives and their problems and their hopes for the future, but only one-to-one. We would all talk to each other about that kind of stuff, but not to more than one of us at the same time.
The pause continued and I could see in his eyes that his brain was working overtime to understand and process the feelings he felt for Quinn.
“She’s awesome,” was the statement he finally settled on.
“You really like her?”
He bowed his head and nodded. Quinn and Dylan had been going out on and off since year seven. When they weren’t dating they were like brother and sister, the closest of friends. I let the conversation end. The guys stayed round for dinner. When mum put the pizza in front of us they all thanked her politely and she left the room. They all looked at each other.
“What?” I asked them.
“I would!” they yelled simultaneously and started laughing.
“Seriously, guys? That’s my mum…”
*
Back to school on Monday and I was warring with me feelings. I couldn’t decided upon whether or not I wanted to see Ray, whether or not it would be awkward, whether or not I would be happy to see him.
First lesson; science.
I went to the science lab and he wasn’t there. I couldn’t work out if I was relieved or upset so I kept my head down to avoid the teacher’s eye contact and sat down in my seat at the back of the class, feeling numb.
“Hey, Ash. How’re you feeling?” Tanya asked as she walked over.
“I was feeling good, but then I saw you and now I feel awful.” I said bluntly. She frowned. I grinned.
“Is Ray not in today?” she asked, wistfully eyeing the empty seat beside me.
“No. But if you sit here, I’ll have to kill you.” I replied quickly.
She smirked and slowly walked round the desk and sat down, raising her eyebrow in an ‘I’ll take that chance’ attitude. I slumped on my desk, putting my chin on the cold surface, and started to count down the seconds till the end of the lesson. Tanya leaned forward slightly and started to make neat notes in her book. I didn’t even know what Dr Doige was talking about; it all went in one ear and out the other. Tanya saw that I wasn’t concentrating, stopped writing and bit her lip, before pulling my book towards her and making the notes in that instead.
I’d never understand why she was so nice to me. There she was, writing notes down for me so I wouldn’t get behind or in trouble, and yet not five minutes previous I was rude to her. Just because she’s a model everyone expects her to be a total airhead, but she’s smart and quick-witted as well as a generally genuinely nice person.
The door was suddenly pushed open and my eyes snapped up.
“Well, hello to you all, Motherfu-”
“Mr Davis, I beg you, do not finish that word.” Dr Doige cut him off sharply. “Why are you late?”
“Oh, slept in a bit. Sorry, I’ve got a bit of a hangover.” Ray answered him with a wink. I had to commend him for his braveness. Dr Doige issued him two warning slips; one more and he was on his way to a half day in isolation.
He swaggered past the rows of teens staring open-mouthed at his boldness. My eyes followed him, tracing his every movement, and when I was the only one looking he winked once more. He stopped abruptly when he saw Tanya was sitting next to me.
“Excuse me, sweetheart, but you appear to be sitting in my seat.” he said with a slight bow.
“No, no, this is my seat- I usually sit next to Ashton.” she said, shaking her head, all smiles and bright eyes. Ray turned slightly to me.
“Ash, this bitch seems to be in my seat?” he said. I sighed.
“Tan, move.” I muttered.
“But Ash-”
“Move!”
She haughtily gathered her things and slammed my book down in front of me. Ray gave her a grin and then when she had passed he rolled his eyes.
“You okay?” he whispered to me when he sat down.
“I am now.” I whispered back with a smile, quiet enough so that no-one else would hear. He also lowered his voice to near silence.
“And we’re alright, aren’t we?” he asked, nervously. He had clearly been fretting as much as I had been.
“Everything’s great. Why wouldn’t it be?” I replied, and flashed him a cheeky grin. He grinned back and squeezed my hand under the table.