so, I've recently started university and I feel like I need to let you guys know that I've been really struggling to write, not just because I have no time, but mentally I've been so unmotivated to do anything at all. I want to write this story so much, all the time because I am completely in love with it, but I'm just finding it hard to gather enough motivation to do it well.
I think that every writer goes through a stage where they feel that their writing is not up to standard, and I feel like I'm in that phase at the moment :( everything I write just doesn't seem that good to me, but I'll keep going!
don't worry, I am still going to be updating and I'm enjoying this story so much, but if updates are a little slow or a little short, just know that it's not because I don't care anymore, it's because I care too much and I refuse to publish work which I'm not completely happy with.
also, I've been prewriting loooooooads of chapters for this story, coming some time in the future, some of which I think you'll enjoy greatly ;) so there are exciting things to come!
sorry for the essay lmao, just needed to let you guys know what's going on. I'm so grateful for you all and love you so much :)
I watch as Scott gathers up some papers, tidying up the choir room from the lesson before. I'm sat on the floor in the centre of the stage, cross legged and waiting for Scotty to finish.
He smiles at me every so often, before continuing to clean up, and eventually, he's finished and he comes to sit opposite me.
"Okay, you ready?" He asks, rubbing his hands together in front of him in anticipation.
"I've been ready and waiting for fifteen minutes," I smirk, raising my eyebrows slightly.
"Oh," Scott laughs, "yeah, sorry about that."
"It's fine," I smile, patting his thigh gently.
"Okay, so.. I had an idea which might help you on your journey to singing again."
"Okay.." I say cautiously, shrugging slightly, "what is it?"
"You can't sing yet and it's not a good idea to try and force you to. Been there, done that, didn't work."
I nod with raised brows, before sighing quietly, "yeah?"
"So why don't we start with something close to singing and take it in stages? What's something that's close to singing?"
I frown skeptically, "talking?"
Scott looks at me with an expression which sort of says 'are you serious'. He slumps his shoulders and relaxes his face, "no, for some reason, I'm pretty damn certain you can talk."
I laugh with a shrug, "you asked me what's close to singing so I told you!"
"I meant humming, you donut."
"Oh," I say quietly, licking my lips with a small frown, "I mean, I haven't- humming isn't something that I've thought to do.. I can't- I don't know if I can."
"I know that, sweetheart, that's why I thought we could try it today? You don't have to, of course, but I just thought it would be a good place to start."
I look around cautiously, peering at the open door before lowering my voice, "maybe you should lay off the nicknames whilst the door's open, Scotty.."
Scott turns towards the door, before walking over and closing it quietly.
I smile with a sigh as he sits back down, gently reaching over to play with the tips of my fingers.
"Do you think you're ready to take the first step?"
I take a deep breath, looking down at my lap and slowly pulling my hands away from him, "I don't know."
"What's scaring you?" Scott asks quietly, his face genuinely concerned and curious.
I shake my head, smiling sadly, "it doesn't matter, really.. I'll have to get over it."
"No, you'll have to get through it. But you can do that easier by telling me what's scaring you so that I can try and make it go away."
"But it's irrational," I sigh, "it's ridiculous and I'll just sound like a frea-"
"Have I ever made you feel stupid? When you've been upset or concerned about something, when have I ever laughed in your face or dismissed you?"
I pause, looking up into Scott's eyes as he glares at me seriously, "you've never done that."
Scott nods with a small sigh of what looks like relief, "good. So you know that I'll never do that now, no matter how irrational or stupid you may think your thoughts are."
I nod, swallowing loudly as I look down at my lap, "you're right, I'm sorry. I'm scared that as soon as I sing or hum or... Memories of my mom and I might get triggered. I'm scared that I won't be able to sing anymore, like.. That I've forgotten how or... My vocal cords just so work in that way anymore. That ones the most stupid one, because I don't think it's very possible, but I'm still petrified of it. I'm scared that I'll sing and I'll hate it because my mom won't be there to harmonise or sing with me.. I'm just scared of singing.. I'm just scared.."
Scott smiles sadly, small frown lines appearing on his forehead as his eyes search my face. After a couple moments, he nods slowly, his voice quiet as he speaks, "and humming? Why are you afraid of that?"
"Because it's the closest I've ever been to singing again.. And once I start the journey, I can't turn back. I mean, I can.. You wouldn't make me do it if I didn't want to... But I wouldn't let myself turn back. Once I make the first step, that's it.. I have to face my fears no matter what."
Scott looks over his shoulder, before slowly reaching out to rest his hand on my cheek. He gently brushes his thumb over my cheekbone, the feeling of his warm skin making me subconsciously lean into his hand, my eyes slipping shut.
"You're strong.." Scott whispers, "and I know that if you can take this first step, we'll be on a roll and you'll be singing again before you know it. You've got the heart for it, you just need to make the first move."
I nod, taking a heavy deep breath as Scott moves his hand away from my face, lightly brushing it against my thigh.
"What song?" I say quietly, gulping louder than I intended to.
Scott smiles with wide eyes, opening his mouth to speak with a small shake of his head, "any song you want, baby.. Anything."
I look around the room, my breathing shallow as I try to think of a song to hum along to. Nothing comes immediately to the forefront of my mind, and I subtly frown as I struggle to think of any suitable song.
Scott reaches over, gently holding my hand, "hey.. Just calm your mind, honey. You're thinking too hard.."
"Then help me.." I ask quietly, looking up to Scott with tired eyes, "choose a song for me."
Scott shakes his head with a sad smile, "I can't do that for you, this is a decision you need to make."
I sigh with frustration, my brow furrowing as I shake my head and look down at my lap, "I can't think of anything."
Scott licks his lips, running his thumb over my knuckles, "what was your favourite song to sing when you could? Or your favourite song to hear?"
I frown slightly, thinking back to when I used to be able to sing along to songs on the radio, songs on my phone, songs anywhere. My mind searches through my memories, thinking of my most listened to songs, none of them good enough. I think of songs that I used to sing with Callie but none of them jump out at me.
And then I remember.
My mom's lullaby, the beautiful folk song that she used to sing to me almost every night when I was young, and only every so often after that. A short song, quiet and beautiful.
I nod slowly, looking Scott in the eye and watching as his face softens, realisation hitting him as he understands that I have my song, and I'm ready.
I take a deep breath, my palms clammy and my heart racing, possibly faster than it ever has. I count myself down in my head, three, two, one.
But I can't do it. I frown slightly, my shoulders relaxing as I shake my head, but I try again. Three, two, one.
Nothing. I look up into Scott's eyes, pleading sadly as I shake my head, "I- I can't.. Scotty, please.. I can't.."
"Hey, it's okay.." Scott says softly, smiling as he tries to meet my eyes, "just breathe, you can do it. You can.."
"I- I can't.."
"Okay.. Close your eyes for me."
I tilt my head with a sigh, shaking my head, "Scott, I-"
"Mitch, close your eyes."
With a heavy breath of frustration, I close my eyes. Scott gently holds my hand, staying silent for a little while.
"What's the song?"
I gnaw on my bottom lip, my breathing shallow, "my mom's lullaby.." I whisper, the words barely even audible.
I hear Scott sigh, and crack one eye open to find him smiling warmly at me.
"Hey, close your eyes," he breathes, brushing his thumb lightly over my eyelid.
I relax into him as he brushes his hand through my hair, my eyes still closed as I melt into his touch. My entire body relaxes as he runs his hands over me, his thumb lightly brushing over my bottom lip before he leans in and presses his lips to mine.
My heart jumps at the touch of his soft mouth, but I trust that there is no one else in the room. Scott pulls back, whispering onto my lips, "it's just us, Angel.. Nobody to hold you back, no one to be scared of or nervous around.. Just you and me.."
I smile slightly with a light nod, my eyes remaining closed as Scott leans back, holding my hand gently.
"Go to your thoughts of your mom, just let your mind wander.. Don't think about how hard it is to sing or hum... Just let your body show you how to do it. Let your mind have all control."
I nod slowly, thinking about my mom and the time that she sat on the edge of my bed, brushing her hands through my hair. I could smell the scent of her warm, spiced perfume sprayed on the skin of her wrist as he ran her fingers over my scalp, watching me with her warm, chestnut eyes.
I was sick, as usual, lying in bed, shivering. I couldn't sleep and she came in to try and put my mind at rest. I was seventeen, it was only a couple months before she passed away, I wasn't supposed to need my mom to sing me lullabies anymore.
But we didn't care, because she wasn't just my mom, she was my best friend and I know that if she was still here, she'd still spend the entire night by my side if I needed her to.
She leant in and kissed my clammy forehead, not caring about the sweat from my fever or how pale I was, not caring that I hadn't had a proper shower for a few days because I was too weak, not caring that my hair was wet from the cold cloth that was resting on it only moments before.
And then she sang to me. The sweet song about nature, and she sang it so beautifully and quietly into my ears, that I drifted off. I slipped so easily into my dreams by just the sound of her voice and that gentle lullaby.
My mind comes back to reality, and consciously I decide to make that lullaby the first song that I sing, when I can. I remember Scott, his gentle touch and his spiced smell. I remember how he is my best friend, how he shares so many traits with mom, so soft, warm and caring.
And before I know it, I've taken a deep breath, filling my lungs with air, and I'm humming along to my Momma's lullaby.