I am 11 years of age. Everyday I endure suffering because of others. Today I lost my best friend and I had a mental breakdown. She told me only truths and it was heartbreaking.
Today was the day I realized that I hated my life so much that I couldn't care less if it ended. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of how it might happen. I can't keep a single friend. I've lost them all. It's always my fault.
I'm not writing this submission for the pity of others. I'm here writing this to tell you my story. How I live. So, let's begin.
My hourney begins in September 25th when I'm born. A few years later, my sister. My childhood was great up until maybe 8. I was in second grade and the first form of verbal abuse came at me.
"Stupid." Was what he said. "Stupid" was what all his friends called me. After that can more. All the insults had been thrown at me. Not one left out. This continued by them up until 4th grade. But I had gotten even more bullies in third grade. They were the ones stuck with me in 5th. In 5th grade I knew exactly how my life was going to go.
I knew I had depression, hell, I've known it since the first time I was called stupid. Because after that, I didn't sleep. I was kept awake by the single word. I would look in the mirror and see stupid. It's all I could think about. It genetically runs in my family. My mom is suicidal and depressed with a bit of bipolar thrown in. My grandma? Crazy and depressed with much bi polarness thrown in and a touch of grief.
Out of my two siblings I was the one to get depression. I was okay with it though, I would never wish upon anyone my illness. Anyway, throughout fifth grade, my whole life fell into place yet at the same time, was ultimately destroyed. I knew what I wanted to do. I would become a therapist because it take one broken person to fix another. I knew that I would have two kids and I would marry the right guy and all that would be after getting my masters degree in college.
But at the same point in time, the other half of me had been screaming out that I wouldn't even make it that far. That I would never do what I wanted. That I was a stupid girl with stupid dreams. I made friends. In fifth grade I made two friends, both of which were suicidal. At least once a month I was talking one of them out of suicide. Yet I never told an adult. Why? Because I couldn't betray them like that. I know it's stupid not to but I couldn't. I just couldn't betray them.
Then over the summer, I had my frat panic attack. A kid had told me to go die over a social media account called oovoo. Another telling me that I was nothing but a liar and that I should just betray my friend so he could ask her out. It broke me. I went to my bathroom at around 1:00 A.M. crying and wishing I was dead. That same summer, I met my cousin.
My cousin who watched her own best friend shoot herself in the face over a video chat. She didn't eat and her mom forced her to go to a therapist because she wasn't eating as much. She was 12 watching that and is 14 now. It's incredible what society has come to today. Bullying and depression so bad that people kill themselves at age 12.
She showed me what it meant to be strong and she helped me and might have saved me. She has been incredible to me and she's great.
But the summer also broke me. My family went on family trips without even telling me. They were their own happy family-without me. I was done. And when school started I found a technique of self harm that wasn't physically visible. I would take a dull pair of scissors and drag it across my wrist. It didn't cause blood but pain was their. And so was the satisfaction. One night after school started, I decided to use my new scissors and draw blood. I felt nothing. But the satisfaction of seeing blood was prominent. And for a week, no one noticed.
6th grade started and I had a group of friends but a fight with one might be the end of it all. Goodbye friends. Goodbye life.
I will not give up though. I will tell you who I am. MysteryMistress188 is me on Wattpad. I write in this because my books cannot say what I need to. My friends follow me and read my books so they can't know that I hate every aspect of my being. But, life goes on, and that my friends, is why I stay strong.
QUESTION: Why the fucking hell do people bully me? Like bitch, just because I might like a guy or a girl does not give you the fucking right to diss me. So yea. Why are people so fucking dumb, do you honestly not see the light fading from their eyes? The fake smile presenting itself on her lips? The long sleeved shirts he always wears?
Oh and why the hell does everyone in my school think that only girls get depressed, like boys get depressed too so duke off for being so ignorant *inserts middle finger*
By the way, if your a filing bully, duke you, duke your friends, fake your family. I'm honestly not sorry. If you are bullied, gay, abused, or anything else, DEAL WITH IT! Don't blame anyone else for your own fuking problems because you bullying them could very well be the thing that causes them to kill themselves.
ADVICE: My advice is: tell society to duke off!
"Too skinny"
"Too fat"
"To ugly"
"To pretty"
Do your labels have no end? Like what the hellos perfection even? Oh right, nonexistent. That's the word. Not real. So society, fuke you for telling everyone they aren't good enough and that they aren't good enough unless they are perfect, and let's be real, the only remotely close definition of perfect is flawed. Because that's what everyone is. Flawed.