I couldn't stop shivering. My teeth wouldn't stop clattering. 'Cj, you have to get up. You have to get warm.'
"N-oh." I stuttered out while my teeth were clattering. I was terribly cold, and wet. It was still raining and I was drenched from head to toe and I felt like a popsicle. "H-how d-d-do p-polar b-bears d-do th-is?"
'Layers of fat and fur, I suppose. Like certain forms you have.' I growled but it didn't sound like a growl with my constant shivering. Goosebumps covered the bare sections of my skin and even the bits that were covered, and I was starting to feel numb. Inside and out. 'Please,'
I sighed. "Al-right. We'll g-go home." I slowly stood up but it wasn't easy, I could hardly move. "It'll b-be a l-long walk b-back, Dawn. I l-literally feel f-frozen."
'Just as long as we're home.' I stayed silent. I couldn't hurt her too. She had been with me since day one, she had been the one keeping me going. She had been the one to give me strength when I needed it most. I couldn't let her down by trying to kill us both. I had to use trees to keep me standing, I was unstable, my legs felt like jelly. Maybe I wouldn't get back. Half of me was happy, the other half was sad. I never got to say goodbye to Sam, or Leo, or Sebastian; or the girls, or Mia. Maybe this was my punishment for what ever I did to make Sam not want to talk to me. What did I do? We usually got over this by talking to each other. Why had it changed? My shivering and teeth clattering grew worse when I was walking through the snow. I was too weak to even shift into one of my forms. I fell forward and didn't bother getting up. 'Come on, Cj. You have to get up.' Dawn said in my head.
"I can't." I sobbed, tears leaking from my eyes but I couldn't feel them on my cheeks. "Sam," I whispered tearfully. "Where are you? I need you."
'Cj, you have to. Come on. You can do it. No one knows where we are. Come on. Get up. Please get up.'
"Sorry." I whispered and curled up in a ball, sobbing to myself. Maybe he didn't really care. Maybe I was just blinded by my stupid heart's feelings towards him. Maybe it was all just in my head. Maybe he never did love me. Maybe I imagined all those times he said he loved me. Maybe I was just stupid.
Maybe I should just let myself die.
"Cj, hang in there." Was it Sam? "I'll get you back to Sam." I cried even harder. No, it wasn't Sam. He didn't come. He doesn't care.
He never did.
I was an idiot.
I slowly opened my eyes and blinked them until they adjusted to the light. I forced my body to cooperate and let me sit up, and it took a lot a coaxing until I finally sat up. The room looked like a hospital room and I was alone. Why wasn't I surprised? You'd think that after I was on the road to my death bed, Sam would at least be here. Sebastian and Leo, I couldn't be mad at. They'd always been there for me. I heard someone shouting out Mark's name along with, "Sam", "Sebastian" and "Fight". I dragged myself out of the pack hospital and outside, following the commotion. I heard growls and snarls. What was happening? I broke through the small crowd and gasped. Sam and Sebastian had both shifted and they were currently circling each other. They both had blood on them so they'd been fighting for a little bit. I walked over to them and glared at the two of them. I was angry.
Sebastian drooped his ears a bit and dropped his gaze, knowing he was in trouble with me. I nodded at him and looked at Sam, glaring at him harder than I did with Sebastian. "Shift back! Both of you! Now!" I growled and they listened. Sam continued to growl at Sebastian and I stood in between, backing up towards Sebastian. Leo and Zac stood to the side, as did Mark, Marley and a few other pack members. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" I shouted at both of them.
"He just attacked me." Sebastian said.
"Why, Sam? Why?" He just growled and gave Sebastian a death glare. "Don't you dare look at Sebastian like that! Sam, if you hurt Sebastian or Leo, if you hurt my best friends, I will reject you as my mate!" He stopped glaring at Sebastian and shifted his gaze to me, looking at me with hurt in his gorgeous eyes.
"Really? You'd really do that?" He asked.
"You better believe it!" He just nodded and shifted, running off into the woods. What I had just said registered in my head and I covered my mouth with my hand; and regret ignited within me. "Oh god! I just stuffed it up again!" I fell to my knees and hung my head, letting all my tears of frustration and sorrow out. Something didn't make sense. I stood up and stared at Zac in shock. "What... What the hell are you doing here?" I asked. Sebastian grabbed my shoulders and I looked at him.
"He brought you back here. He found you and he knew he could have been killed by setting foot on our territory but he brought you here anyway. Mark let him stay and wait for you to wake up." I nodded and looked at Zac.
"Thanks."
He nodded. "I want to apologise for how Ben and I acted towards you ever since you came here. Sorry." And he sounded like he genuinely meant it. Sebastian let me go and I walked over to Zac and hugged him.
"I forgive you." I stepped back and looked in the direction Sam left. "Should we go after him?"
"We can send someone out." Mark said.
"No, I'll go." I said. "I need to make this right." I shifted into my horse form and cantered in the direction Sam had left. I cantered around the pack territory, trying to find him, but I couldn't. My last place to check was the lake. I slowed to a trot when I got to the lake and then stopped, shifting back. "Sam!" I shouted but I got no answer. I tried several more times then grabbed my phone out of my pocket, texting him 'where are you?'. I heard the notification sound go off. He was here.
I frowned. "Sam. I know you can hear me. I'm sorry. I never meant to say what I did. I was angry and it sort of just came out. I wouldn't reject you, Sam. I know you don't want to see me, I understand that. But you're not the innocent one either. You've been ignoring me lately and I don't know what I did. I'm sorry for whatever it was." I said. There was still silence and he didn't show himself either. "I love you." I whispered before shifting and galloping home. I walked inside and saw Sam's Beta Charlie walking out with a couple bags while on the phone with someone. I looked at the bags with confusion. "Hang on, bro."
"What are you doing with those?" I asked. "Who are they for?"
There was a pause while he listened to the person on the phone. "I can tell her? You sure?" He asked the person on the phone. "They're for Sam. He's staying somewhere else for a while." I walked over and snatched the phone from Charlie.
"Sam, don't be an idiot! You've lived here longer than I have. I'll leave. Get your ass home when ever you want. I'll be gone in ten minutes, fifteen tops." I said.
"Cj." Sam said. "No. You stay at the pack."
I sniffled. "Why are you doing this?" I asked. He hung up without answering and I screamed in frustration.
"I'm sorry, for the both of you." Charlie said.
"At least do one thing for me. When you get back, tell me how he is. And don't lie if he isn't alright. If he's badly hurt or something, I want you to tell me." He nodded and walked out of the pack house. I sat on the couch and sighed.
"Hey." I looked up at Courtney and didn't say anything. She sat next to me and looked at me with sad eyes. "Are you okay? I heard something happened with you and Sam."
I tried to hold everything in, but my wall crumbled and I just lost control, bursting into tears. "I don't even know what started it. After I was brought back here, Sam started ignoring me and I don't know what I did. And then he got into a fight with Sebastian and I threatened I'd reject him if he hurt either Sebastian or Leo. I stuffed up again. It's all I do. I can't do anything right. I keep hurting those I love. I just keep messing up!" She pulled me into a hug and I cried.
"Cj." I looked up and saw Mia and Lily, her little sister standing in front of us. I wiped away my tears and sat up. Courtney stood up and pulled out her phone.
I looked at her with confusion. "What are you doing?" I asked. She held up her finger and I stayed quiet, looking at Mia who pulled me into a hug.
"Where the hell are you?" Courtney shouted through the phone. "Calm down? Don't tell me to calm down! Your mate is here crying her eyes out because of you! You're hurting her, Sam!" There was a long pause, Sam telling her something. "And you really believe that? I honestly can't believe you right now! If you believed that without even thinking for a moment, then you are more of a stupid idiot then I thought! Sam, you're going to be Alpha of this pack! Grow a pair of balls, man up, and deal with your problem! Don't just run away!"
She paused again. "No! No, you can't tell me to forget it! Sam, she doesn't even know what happened! She thinks she can't do anything right! Get your bloody ass home right now or I'll get the truth out of Charlie - yeah I know he was dropping your clothes off for you - and I'll come get you and I'll drag you home by the ear! Do you want me to get Mark involved? Or Mum?"
Another pause. "Sam, you need to open your eyes and realise how much you're hurting Cj! When you're Alpha, things will happen that will make you want to give up, but you don't! Because your job is to protect your pack! But you see, there's one thing that is more important then that! Here's some education for you: your mate is your number one priority! You put them before yourself! No matter what happens, you have to be there for them! You can lose her, Sam! Do you really want that?" She shouted. Lily was holding onto Mia, terrified at the tone Courtney was using. I'd never seen her this angry before. Courtney hung up and stomped away, muttering something along the lines of "stupid fucking idiot" as she disappeared up the stairs. "Mum, I'm going to kill him!" Courtney yelled.
"What?" Marley asked.
"He's a fucking idiot! Ask Charlie when he gets back from dropping off Sam some clothes!" Courtney growled before I heard a door slam.
"Well. I've never seen her that angry before." Mia said.
"Neither have I." I agreed. I stood up and looked at Mia. "I'm tired. I'm going to have a nap." I walked up to the room I shared with Sam and looked around. The wardrobe was open. Charlie mustn't have closed it. I looked down at my clothes and realised I wasn't wearing any of my clothes. I was wearing someone else's jeans and a white tank top. I scowled at my clothing and walked over to the wardrobe. I grabbed a pair of black pants but not one of my shirts. I grabbed one of Sam's black shirts and brought it up to my face, breathing in. His scent flooded my nose and I let out a little whimper and put the shirt on.
My phone buzzed and I pulled it out of the pocket of the jeans I was wearing seconds ago that were now on the floor. 'I'm not going to prom.' Was the message I got from Sam. I locked my phone and walked over to the bed, sitting on the edge. I laid down on my side and clutched my stomach, letting more tears escape.
~ The day before prom ~
Sam still hadn't come back. He had been gone for about two weeks now and I was dying more inside each day. Everyone had noticed and they were all calling Sam and telling him to come home. Charlie was being harassed by Courtney every day to tell us where Sam was, but he didn't let it slip. He was keeping his word to Sam by not telling us.
I refused to leave the room and I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't talk. I just locked myself away in my mind, I couldn't even cry anymore. I knew I was slowly becoming depressed again and everyone was suggesting I should see the pack doctor and get help. When I refused to go, they called him over but I just snapped and told him to piss off, very angrily. I chased him out of the room and my eyes were glowing yellow. I wasn't myself. The demon inside my head had taken over because I was unable to fight back and save myself.
I sat on the floor, my knees brought up to my chest, my head resting on them and I heard the door open and close, and someone walked over. "Cj, you've got to eat." Sebastian said, sitting next to me. I looked at him and he had plate with a sandwich on it. I shook my head and rested my head on my knees again. "Cj, please. You'll make yourself sick." I didn't say anything. "Prom is tomorrow. I know Sam isn't going anymore, but you can still come with us." I stayed silent and Sebastian sighed. "Come on, someone needs to save Leo from Elise and it was your doing that we're even going." He said. "You bought the dress and shoes for prom, you shouldn't let all that money you spent be a waste by not using the dress for the occasion it was intended for. You don't need Sam there. You have Leo and me, and Becky and Elise."
I looked at him. "Alright. I'll go." He grinned and I couldn't help but smile even though It was very small and forced. Sebastian frowned, looking into my eyes. Which no doubt, revealed how broken and detached I was feeling.
Edited 02/12/2017