"You met Lucien in the lunch line and now he is all that you can see." David stated calmly with a hint of sarcasm in his voice as he looked at Allen, studying him carefully. Almost curiously, but yet in a judging manner. Allen could not help but feel a little intimidated by the way David's gaze burnt into him. The truth in his words struck him hard. Because he knew that Lucien was being hunted by so many young men, like himself. And like him, they wanted to be noticed, to be seen, by Lucien. That was all he wanted. But as so many others, he was the one Lucien needed, not who he desired.
When he thought about his and Lucien's first meeting, he could not help but smile.
Allen had been wandering around all by himself, well technically, there had been a little tour through the school for new students and their parents-if they had decided to scatter along- which Allen had joined, not paying much attention really. The tour was guided by a rather pompous young man, who proudly showed off museum-like glass vitrines, claiming that the library was a church, and the contents of the vitrines were the sacraments. The vitrines contained historical, highly important texts such as works made by Shakespeare.
When suddenly a stunningly handsome young man leapt onto a library desk with a book in his hand. "Let's hear a bit, shall we?" he said loudly, so everyone in the library could hear him, and of course, see him.
"On a Sunday afternoon, when the shutters are down and the proletariat possesses the street... There are certain thoroughfares which remind one of nothing less..." he continued as he took a lamp, got down on his knees and thrust the lamp between his legs. "Than a big cancerous cock!" He exclaimed with a moan.
When suddenly a grumpy looking librarian clomped over and asked what the 'nonsense' was all about. She also stated that the book was restricted and Lucien said that it was why he had committed it to memory. The librarian, of course called upon security guards, who immediately rushed in for the poor old woman's aid, Lucien jumped down from the table, right in front of Allen and yelled "Alert the press! Tell them that Lucien Carr is innocent!" and fled out of the library, while an utterly stunned Allen watched him rush out, as he grinned to himself.
Allen laid in the bed in his apartment that he had bought, and thought about when he, Lucien and William Burroughs- Bill were actively writing on their New Vision. How they had worked frantically in David's apartment. Bill had removed the classic art and literature from David's bookcase and tossed them to Allen, who cut up pages of the books with a pair of scissors and handed the torn pieces to Lucien who nailed them onto the wall. It's all a frantic assembly-line. The wall was completely covered in the words.
Allen smiled fondly of the memory and traced his bed sheets with his middle finger and sighed. He slowly closed his eyes and let his mind slowly wander off to that time when they (he, Lucien and Jack) had stolen a boat in the middle of the night. The same evening as they had been in Jack's flat, when Allen had judged Jack's writing. The athlete, who also were a writer, did not even use any periods or commas! The younger man found that he was almost offended and angered by this fact. Allen did actually use periods and commas, and he found them extremely important, thank you very much. Anyway, back to his memory... He had slowly stood up in the boat, and read out his poem;
"Be careful.You are not in Wonderland. I have heard the strange madness long growing in your soul. But you are fortunate. In your ignorance. In your isolation, you who have suffered. Find where love hides. Give. Share. Lose. Lest we die unbloomed." He spoke slowly, just the sound of his voice and the water. Completely vulnerable, he sat back down and sighed nervously.
Lucien had just stared for a moment right at Allen when he realised that the poem was about him.
"Allen. Beautiful, kid." Jack had said, as he also looked at him, touched somehow by Allen's words.
"You wrote that?" Lucien asked gently.
"You asked me to. Remember?" Allen said as he met Lucien's gaze, moved.
He had indeed asked him. He had asked him to write something beautiful, and he did.
"Forget Columbia. Forget Ogden Nash, that dirty bastard. Here's the plan, boys. We join the Merchant Marines. Sail the world until the war ends. Then jump ship and make it to Paris. For the liberation." Lucien suddenly said with a wicked smirk playing about on his gorgeous, luscious lips.
"You don't speak French." Allen had said, in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Jack does. It'll be us, together. At the beginning. It'll be the perfect day."
All of a sudden, in the middle of nowhere a horn blew loudly as a coast guard patrol boat caught them.
"Don't move!" A police officer had shouted in the megaphone.
"Jesus Christ!"
"Put your hands in the air!"
They were in some deep trouble... They had been interrogated in the dean's office. Allen had eventually 'confessed' that it was his idea to steal it. His father had showed up with a new woman, Edith, by his side. So that was why his father had locked up his mother at the institution, or well... more likely Asylum, so he could live a 'normal' life. With a 'normal' woman. Allen felt betrayed. Yes, his mother was sick, but she deserved better than to be locked up, to never be released again. He would not have any of it. He was so fed up with doing what everyone expected of him. And he did not care anymore. He felt so sorry, and so bad for her, he wanted to help her. Badly. But knowing that he could not, was utterly devastating.
He sighed loudly again, covered his eyes with the back of his hand as he sunk lower into the mattress. Lucien would soon be released from prison.
He had murdered David. His suitor and well, if one could say: partner for seven years. He had stabbed him in his chest with a pocket knife, by the shore of the Hudson River. Before he carried him down into the water, he got undressed, and then stepped into the water to drown him, alive. He had put rocks in his trouser-pockets to weigh him down, so he would sink, and finally drown. When the deed was done, Lucien was utterly terrified. And unfortunately, he got caught.
Allen could not wait to see him again. He had missed Lu, the young, blonde man that everyone wanted. Who needed those who wanted him, but did not desire them in return. Just like he did with Allen, he had needed him badly, but did not want him. Or maybe he did.
Allen always felt his blood rush faster in his veins. Heart beating heavily in his chest. Beating so hard that he was afraid that Lucien could hear it. He was completely terrified of so many things. He was terrified to see Lu again, wondered if he ever wanted to meet Allen again, or if he could not care less. Never wanting to hear of him again, ever. It made his heart sink low.
On the day due Lucien's releasing, Allen stood in the hall, waiting for Lu to turn up. He was so nervous. His heart pounding heavily in his chest, his hands all sweaty and it felt as if his whole body was shaking. He could not believe that he was going to see Lucien after all this time. He was shit-scared. Part of him wanted to bolt, to just run away and forget all about Lucien. Because, what if Lucien, indeed, did not want to see Allen?
But suddenly, as he spotted the blonde hair, of the gorgeous young man he loved dearly, everything stopped. His entire world stopped. As brown eyes met icy grey/blue, both men broke down. Lucien dropped his bag on the floor and rushed towards Allen, who met him halfway. They embraced each other tightly and wept. Chest pressed against chest, they could feel the others heartbeat. Hands clutching clothed backs desperately.
"Allen, oh Allen." Lucien stuttered, almost inaudible, clutching Allen even tighter to him.
"Lu..." Allen sobbed loudly and held onto him, almost painfully hard.
As they finally calmed down, they released each other slowly, backing off a step each. Still staring at each other. Neither one could quite believe it.
"Uhm, come, Lu. Let's go to my apartment, it's just a block away." Allen finally said as he dried his eyes slowly with his shirt sleeve. Not wanting to stand right there in front of all the people. He wanted privacy, so they could talk undisturbed. Lucien nodded slowly as he also dried his eyes and face, and started to walk.
"Bag." Allen reminded him softly.
Lucien's eyes widened, he looked so confused, and Allen found that adorable. He chuckled quietly and pointed a finger towards the bag that he had dropped on the floor. Lucien nodded once more and quickly strode over to the bag and picked it up, he then walked back to Allen, put his arm around his waist and looked at him. Allen nodded and started walking, pleased when Lucien followed suit.
They walked close to each other, neither of them feeling the need of talking at the moment. Lucien's hand slowly went down from Allen's waist and grasped his hand instead. Allen, shocked, looked up at Lucien, with a questioning expression. Lu just squeezed his hand, so Allen squeezed it back as he led the way to his apartment.
"I thought about leaving again." Lucien said softly as they entered Allen's apartment.
His happiness quickly faded when the words sunk into his elated brain. He started to shake his head while he closed his eyes, not wanting to listen to any of it. The tears that were still to be shed threatened to fall.
"No. You - Lu. You can't!" Allen had fought to find the right words, to let Lucien know how utterly devastated he was to hear the nonsense that was leaving Lucien's lips. But his mind went totally blank, all he knew... all he was holding on to, was that he couldn't. No, simply would not let Lucien go. Not again. Not when he was with him again, finally.
"And why not, Allen?"
"I need you just as much as you need me! But if you don't want me. Then maybe you should leave." He said coldly, he wanted to look at Lucien, so he could prove his point, by showing that he did not care if Lucien stayed, or left. But that would be the biggest lie of the century, really. It would be worse than the poems they had been forced to read in Mr. Steeves' classes. That said something!
So he just closed his eyes again, this time only for a mere second. And when he opened them again, Lu was not standing before him, as he had when Allen had closed his eyes. He started to panic and his tears burnt into his skin. But when a body pressed against his from behind, and as arms wrapped safely around his waist, all his worries seemed to be lost.
"I changed my mind." Lucien whispered, his lips brushing ever so gently against Allen's ear as he spoke, his voice so gentle it was almost inaudible.
"What made you change your mind?" He dared only to whisper, afraid that his voice would fail him if he spoke any louder.
"You need me... I need you. I want you, my whole body and mind are aching to be with you. I can't leave you again, Allen." His grip tightening a little as he held Allen in his arms.
Lucien had never felt surer about anything ever in his entire life. Before, he just wanted to be seen, to be noticed, and indeed, he got noticed, he was seen, by everyone. Only for the bizarre things he did, however, never for who he truly was. But with Allen, that was a complete different story. Allen saw him, noticed him. Of course for the things he did, and the things he said. But also just because he was Lucien. He somehow managed to look through the mask of needing to be seen, or, Allen saw Lucien for who he was, for all the right reasons. Because he was extraordinary, truly extraordinary. And so was Allen. He did everything with such a passion, determination.
He put his whole mind, body and soul into everything dear to him, even when it came to keep Lucien from leaving. Lucien knew that this time, it was for real. He could not leave Allen, not for anything in the world. Neither had he ever felt this needed, this wanted, without the other to be obsessed. And gosh he liked it, to feel just wanted and needed. And to want and need on the exact same level.
"Did I ever cross your mind when you were there?" Allen whispered softly, looking at him, searching in his eyes, he needed to know.
"You never left."
At this, Allen turned around so he faced Lucien, wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pressed their lips together in passionate kisses. Lucien's hold around Allen tightened, as to say 'I'll never let you go'. Allen responded to that and pressed himself more against him, kissing him like there was no tomorrow. As it was really their last moment spent with one another, but of course, it wasn't.
This kiss was even hotter, even more passionate, more needing than their first shared kiss. And it was amazing. Both men where speechless as they broke the kiss slowly, only to stare into each other's eyes. They suddenly burst out in laughter, both completely amazed by the whole situation. Lucien pulled Allen into a tight embrace again and sighed blissfully.
"Promise..." Allen started, but was interrupted by Lucien's lips upon his again, in breath-taking kisses. They held each other tightly, neither wanting to let go, not that they needed to, thankfully.
"Allen, I am not leaving. I would be out of my mind if I seriously planned on leaving you again. I am not going anywhere, unless you want me to."
"You are not going anywhere, maybe to the bed. But not out of this apartment."
Lucien laughed happily, held Allen close and smiled widely, he was genuinely happy. Allen could see it, Lucien practically shone, his eyes sparkling. Allen himself was certain that he wore the same expression, the happiness radiating from him. It felt like he could rule the whole world, the feeling was incredible. It had never felt so good to hold someone in his arms as it did when he could finally hold Lucien.
It was just so satisfying for him, to be able to hold him, as he had wanted since the first day they met, on the evening in Lucien's dormitory. And now when he could... He could not find words to describe the happiness, utter joy and gratefulness, he did not need to however. Lucien felt the exact same way, he could not have been any happier than he was now. In the warmth of Allen's embrace.
For the first time in his life, he felt home. He felt safe, just like he wanted to feel.
And he would never leave.
He couldn't. He was right where he belonged.