Chapter 5
...
Addictions can be life-altering. Smoking, cocaine, alcohol. Some addictions can ruin your life. Some, though, I'd like to think don't. In moderation, some addictions are absolutely fine.
Example? Kaneki's hair.
He fell asleep moments ago, but still I'm running my fingers through his hair. Each strand is soft, silky, and I'm worried my craving won't be satisfied until I have touched each and every strand. Will that even be enough? God I'm lame.
My thoughts darken. His hair is beautiful, but I also know I'm using this as an anchor. To help me keep my mind off Crowe and his sordid, disgusting, repugnant actions that make me want to slit his throat.
I can't believe he...he...
I instead steer my thoughts to Kaneki. How he was pressed against the wall with eyes wide like a child's. God…his gaze was so broken. Not even after his most horrible nightmares has he ever looked that pained, that vulnerable. When I'd seen him I didn't even stop to think, I just attacked the first and most potent threat Kaneki was faced with.
I close my eyes. Not in all my training as a ghoul investigator, saving people, protecting children, have I ever felt such a protective instinct surge through me like it did tonight. Every nerve ending in my body was screaming to HELP HIM. And if I had gotten there just a moment later…just a barely little bit…
Fuck, no…stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this. I squeeze Kaneki's body tighter to my own, and I focus on his white hair. I admire his soft facial features, and I look for signs of an impending nightmare. Right now he looks so…at peace. I smile. I'm so fucking glad.
It's not even light's out yet and I can feel myself getting drowsy. I'm so tired, I'm so comfortable. I sigh in contentment before falling into unconsciousness.
...
"You saved me."
Upon awakening that was the first thing I heard. Kaneki's voice rings in my ears, and I open my eyes to see him staring at the wall. He's lying beside me with one arm draped over my stomach.
"And I'd do it again." But god I hope it never comes to that. If it happened again I have a feeling I would do something horrible.
I see Kaneki squeeze his eyes tightly. "I feel like such a fool..." It seems like he's talking more to himself than to me.
I poke his cheek hard. "Don't." He opens his eyes and looks at me. "Don't do that. Don't you dare." I will scream if he blames himself for this. If he thinks he's weak because of this.
He nods, a sad smile on his features. "You're right. Sorry."
"Damn straight."
His smile becomes more genuine at that. His gaze travels downward and he takes my hand in his. He observes the appendage. "You have dried blood on your hand. You should go to the clinic."
I look at my hand, confused. That was the hand I punched the wall with; I had completely forgotten about that. "It barely hurts. I'm fine."
"Looking at your blood makes me want to eat you."
I blink. It takes a second to sink in. Oh...OH...
Kaneki's muffled laugh registers in my ears and for a second I'm confused. Then I realize he was fucking with me. Kaneki...made a joke. I take the pillow we're sharing and hit him with it.
His laughter is no longer muffled. It's the first time I've ever heard it.
It's beautiful.
After Crowe, after everything, today marks the day I'll never forget. The day everything changed for the better.
...
Kaneki and I's friendship seems to fall into place like simple pieces of a puzzle. Weeks pass. I don't know the exact date, but I'd say Kaneki and I have been cellmates for about 2 months now. In those 2 months we have far surpassed strangers and long passed acquaintances. Kaneki is probably the closest friend I have.
It's weird for me to think of him as a friend though because…it just feels…different. It doesn't feel like the relationship I have with Akira or Shinohara or anyone else. It feels unique, special. He's a friend, but he's something else as well. I don't get it.
Personal space doesn't exist. Not out of perversion (though I'd be lying if I said I haven't woken up with a boner), but because of our closeness and my inexplicable ability to keep Kaneki's nightmares at bay, Kaneki and I sleep together. The night of…Crowe, we discovered that Kaneki can sleep nightmare-free if I'm by his side. It's a fucking blessing it works and I won't even think of challenging it.
Neither of us are sleeping now. It's early morning and I just finished my morning exercises. I'm laying on my back on the top bunk bed. Kaneki is laying on top of me, his nose and cheek resting lightly against a peck. Everywhere he's touching my body is warm.
He states matter-of-factly. "You're sweaty."
I huff. "I can't help it. Most people sweat after they exercise, Neki."
"You stink, too."
I swat Kaneki on the head and he muffles a laugh against my chest. I can't even be angry at him when he makes cute noises like that.
Silence follows and we rest comfortably. I almost think Kaneki has fallen back asleep, until at one point he utters the word, "Neki..."
He says the word softly, and I can't tell if it was meant as a question.
I ask, "What?"
Kaneki has the smallest of smiles on his face. "For weeks now…you've called me Neki. I just thought it was interesting."
I had noticed that too, and it's something that surprises me about myself. I'm typically very professional, don't get close to anybody, and only there to finish the job. But Kaneki makes me weird, different. Over time I inadvertently gave him a nickname, "Neki."
I scratch his scalp, and grin when he purrs lightly. "It works for you. You look like a Neki."
He lifts his head up and raises an eyebrow. "What does it mean to look like a Neki?"
I spread my palm wide and direct it at his face. "This. This is a Neki." Hair the color of snow, deep brown eyes, button nose, plump lips with the slightest hint of glisten...that is a Neki.
Annddd that train of thought needs to stop right now. Fuck. Wow.
Kaneki just rolls his eyes and I put my hand back at my side. Thank god he can't read my thoughts. How embarrassing of me to think that.
"I hope they schedule your shower for morning shift."
Damn him again on my stench. I threaten, "Neki, I will hurt you!"
I can tell he's stifling a smile. "You smell like a banana peel that's been rotting in a garbage dumpster."
A war ensues and we're battling for dominance. We fall off the bed and hit the floor with a thud, but that doesn't stop us.
"You smell like food that was digested then thrown up." The verbal barrage doesn't stop, and we fight until we're both exhausted, covered in sweat, and out of breath.
My chest is heaving up and down as I work to catch my breath. "Now…now we're both sweaty and stinky."
Kaneki's head is laying on my stomach. He doesn't even do the sniff test. "Yes indeed."
I smile.
...
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About Kaneki, and his past, his secrets. There's still so much left unspoken, there's still so much I don't know.
I'm curious, more curious than I've ever been about anyone, but I also don't want to pester him about it. I want him to tell me on his own time, in his own way. I want him to trust me and care about me enough to want to tell me.
It's a horrible conundrum and I can't get it out of my head.
Something falls onto my shoulder, and I come back to reality. We're sitting side-by-side against the wall of our cell, and I watch from my periphery as his knees curl up to his chest, with his head on my shoulder. His entire body is wrapped like a ball. He's so goddamn small.
I let myself be humored by him. "How tall are you Neki?"
His tone is deadpanned. "Are you intending to make fun of me Amon?"
I choke on a laugh. "Not make fun. Just, you know, get a good laugh out of it."
He swats me and I yelp. "That hurt! Just tell me."
A long pause. "5'7.""
I snicker and immediately an elbow finds my gut. I cough and laugh at the same time, and I can feel Kaneki's heated evil stare.
I compose myself. "Sorry, sorry. It's just cute. You're so petite." I howl when my calf is kicked by a Kaneki foot. "Ow okay okay I'm done." I try to be serious but I'm working too hard to stifle a laugh.
I can tell I'm about to get a lecture and the desire to laugh increases. He ticks off information on his fingers. "My height is not directly proportional to anything of importance. Just because I'm short doesn't mean I'm not dangerous. There are many things a short person can do that a tall perso—"
The intercom blares. "All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants. All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants."
Heavy air hangs between us, and all of my previous amusement evaporates in an instant. I'm fucking tired of Kaneki getting injections every day. I'm fucking tired of it.
The bars to our cell open and Kaneki stays where he is a moment, as if preparing himself. I barely whisper "I'm sorry," and it's the truth.
"Do not apologize," he says, and he climbs off the bed to wait outside. A guard (not Crowe. Never again) injects him, and when he comes back he's rubbing both his eyes. He takes his seat beside me.
I wince in sympathy. "Does it hurt?"
He shakes his head. "I guess it's more just...discomfort." I have a feeling it's more than that but I don't argue. He says, "Lay down," and his arm wraps around my torso. He gently drags me down beside him on the bed. "I'm gonna sleep, okay?" He's rubbing his eyes with the other hand, and I just feel so damn bad for him. He doesn't deserve this.
I pet his white hair. "Yeah. Sleep Neki."
...
The rest of that day passes by uneventfully, and we go to sleep in my bed. More often than not Kaneki wakes up before me, and when I wake early the next morning I see he's awake and lightly drawing his fingers along my arm. The black nails are a stark contrast to his pale skin, and I haven't mustered up the will to ask him about them.
"Hey," I say sleepily.
He smiles lightly. "Hey."
Unlike the first time I'm not freaked out at all to have him, a ghoul, wake up beside me (that feels like so long ago). I can't even believe I previously detested that.
"Did you sleep well?" he asked.
I nod. "Yeah. You?" I'm desperate for him to say yes. He hasn't had a nightmare with me yet, but every day I wake up worried the fairy dust has faded away and he'll awake in terror.
He nods. "I slept quite well. Thanks."
I grin, and I ruffle his hair with my palm. He swats me away, muttering "ass."
I'm sleepy and comfortable, but I can't lay in bed forever. "Alright Neki, time for me to get up." I sit up, pick him up like a ragdoll, and place him on the bed beside me. I jump off the bed and drop to the floor to begin my daily exercises.
I always start off with push-ups. I count to 1000, then go backwards from 1000 back to 0.
I'm over halfway done and sweating profusely. I'm at 885 and counting down out loud, and Kaneki is watching me oddly. I've noticed he pays more attention during the second half of my exercise than the first, but I don't think anything of it.
"Neki," I pant. "Get on my back."
His head shakes violently as though he were in a daze and I've just brought him back to reality. "What?"
I repeat, "Get on my back."
From the corner of my eye I see him cock his head sideways. "Why?"
I grin, and I pull my arms up, locking my elbows. "To make it harder." I go back down into a push-up, and I remain there, waiting.
Kaneki seems hesitant, but he hops off the bed and lands beside me. He loops one leg over my back and sits on me. I continue my push-ups; my muscles are screaming at me to stop but the harsh burn keeps me going. At 552 I can feel myself losing track of the numbers. I tell Kaneki, "Count for me."
There is a long silence. "You…want me to count?"
"Yeah. Count backwards from 552." In the past I may have questioned if Kaneki, a ghoul, could know simple math. Over the weeks I've roomed with him though, I've discovered he is far, far more intelligent than I gave him credit for. Hell, he's a thousand times smarter than me.
There's another moment of silence, and I consider retracting the request altogether. But then he begins, slowly, hesitantly. It's not on pace with my push-ups at all, but I don't interrupt.
When he gets to 447 I notice he skips and jumps to 440. Then he jumps to 433. Then 426. Then 419.
"Kaneki."
"412. 405."
The way he says these numbers sends chills down my spine. I don't understand it at all, but something's wrong. I stop my exercise, and first I think of flipping him off my back. I'm an idiot though, and I don't want to hurt him. I lay my knees on the ground but remain in a push-up position.
"398. 391."
"Kaneki!" He suddenly stops counting, and there's a few moments of silence. "…Are you okay?"
He doesn't respond, and my worries increase. I say fuck it and I flip him off my back. He lands on the hard floor with a thud, his entire body jolting in surprise.
He stares at me with wide eyes. "Amon…" It's like he didn't even remember me being there.
"What was that?" I demand, for a reason I don't understand worried beyond belief. The counting, the aftermath, his reaction…what the hell?
"Sorry."
"What happened?"
He closes up and looks away, and I almost scream in frustration. I wait for him to say something, anything. He doesn't. Please, just say something.
He dips his head. "I'm sorry," he says again, barely a whisper.
I sigh deeply. I have to let it go, I have to. Since Day 1 I knew he was a mystery, and I knew he'd keep things from me. I have to understand where Kaneki's coming from. I have to respect his need for silence.
I ruffle his hair. "It's okay. You can make it up to me by stealing an extra brownie for me in the cafeteria."
Kaneki has the smallest of smiles. He nods in agreement.
He lifts his right arm to pat my head, and his elbow pops as he does so. It has happened before, and it triggers something in my memory that I'd wholly forgotten. But…what is it?
I stare intently at Kaneki's arm trying to figure it out. The way his arm is bent, the way the elbow move… "Wait…" My mind replays to days ago, weeks ago. Something's not adding up. "I'm confused."
He pulls his arm back and raises an eyebrow. "Mmm, as am I Amon." He's confused by my confusion.
I haven't explained myself. I let my thoughts develop more. I remember now. "You had a displaced…something something. Something about your elbow. You were injured."
He blinks at me in confusion. A few moments later the memory sparks, and he gestures to his elbow area. "Ah, the supracondylar humerus fracture. Yes, I do." By the way he says it I can tell he doesn't understand my curiosity or questioning.
"Wouldn't that take like, forever to heal? It sounded serious. Where did your bandage go? Did you go back to the clinic for a check-up? How have you been able to move so freely?"
And how the hell can I claim I'm so interested in him, yet not notice something as simple as that?
Kaneki shrugs. "I took it off before one of my showers weeks ago. It got in the way." So this was probably when we weren't as…close. I hadn't cared about him like I do now.
"Doesn't it still hurt?"
He shrugs. As if to test it out he bends his elbow back and forth, and I cringe as every-so-often his elbow makes a horrid popping sound. His face expresses no pain though. "Not really."
I'm absolutely positive I'm staring in utter astonishment. All of the pieces I've gathered so far come together again. The torture theme plays on my memory again…Kaneki may have been tortured...and developed a high pain tolerance...
"Why did you ask?"
I can't stand it, I can't stand this. I can't stand it. I hurl myself to my feet and vigorously pace, back and forth back and forth in this fucking cramped cell. My thoughts are unfathomable. My mind is blown.
"Amon..." He doesn't know what to say. He's still confused. He doesn't understand.
Emotion hits me harder than I ever imagined, and my legs feel like jelly. Every part of me aches, and I finally lean against the wall. I bend at the knees and fall on my ass.
Kaneki can break bones but not think anything of it. Because apparently that's just his life. Not out of the norm, just everyday routine. I want to understand...I want to understand...I want to understand...
I run my hands through my hair and clench my fists. Kaneki's sitting near me, and I finally look at him. My voice is shaky. "W-What have you been through in your life?" His gaze doesn't leave me, but he doesn't make a move to respond. "I want to know more about you. Neki…please…" Want...Need...I feel myself choke on a sob, and my respirations become irregular. I squeeze my eyes tight. All of these mysteries are killing me. "You're driving me crazy…"
My eyes are squeezed tight. I'm having trouble breathing, and my chest hurts, but I don't dare move. I feel like such a fool, such a child. How old is Kaneki? He seems a thousand times more mature than me. Why am I so juvenile? Why does this effect me so much?
I don't hear him move, but after a few moments three fingers tickle my shoulder. It catches me off guard, and my head jolts up to meet Kaneki's soft eyes.
"It's amazing…" He has a small, genuine smile on his face. "How much you care about me, Amon."
I tear pieces of hair from my scalp and gripe, "Of course I care…I…I…" The next words that are about the leave my mouth are volatile, risky, and right now, scary as hell. I don't complete my sentence.
Kaneki slowly climbs onto my lap. He faces me with his knees on either side of my hips. "I have been tortured."
Our gazes never leave each other, and I can tell he's watching me, observing how I'll react. I can't stop the small gasp that escapes my lips though, and I push down the urge to vomit. I can't. Not now. Not now not now not now.
He continues. "I have been raped."
Tears fill my eyes. I want to punch a wall, a building, the entire world. I feel like I'm falling into a hole, a vortex of no return. When he was being harassed in the shower by Julian and his crew, that thought had drifted into my memory. And when Crowe had Kaneki cornered in our cell, he had seemed comatose, like it threw him into a past horror. The truth doesn't surprise me.
But…but…a sob burst through me. Why does it have to betrue?
I break our gaze as my eyes shut and I focus on not hyperventilating. The visual of him being pushed down, forced. The visual of him being beaten, constantly injected with RC suppressant fluids so he can't heal.
My head falls heavy onto his shoulder and another sob escapes me. He holds up my weight with ease, and his soft hand rests on my clavicle.
My voice is emotional, damaged. "W-Why are you so young…yet s-so hurt?"
His other hand finds my hair, and he pets me soothingly. "It's made me into the person I am today. But…it doesn't define me. I'm still me. Kaneki the…ghoul."
I sniffle. He hesitated oddly on "ghoul." Does he think, as a human, that I would discriminate against him? After being cellmates for so long, and for how close we've become, I thought it was clear I didn't mind he's a ghoul.
Tear tracks stain my cheeks, but I'm surprised when suddenly droplets of cool liquid fall onto my shoulder. I look up and see Kaneki himself crying. His eyes are so big, so hurt, and in this moment he reminds me of a small porcelain doll. Too delicate for this world, and with one touch of a finger he'll shatter into a million pieces.
"A-Amon…I'm a g-ghoul," he chokes out. Why is his gaze so desolate, so betrayed? I don't understand. I don't understand at all.
"I know Neki, I know. It's okay."
"It's not."
I stop. With tear-filled eyes I look at Kaneki. What brought this on, what is making him say this? When we first met, before Mado-san was killed, he spoke of equality between ghouls and humans. Why does he desire equality when he himself hates being a part of his own species? I don't understand.
"Kaneki…you were born this way. You can't help what you are—"
There was more I wanted to say, but my words seem to have upset him more. Now he is leaning on my shoulder and I immediately envelope him, crushing his body into mine. I want him to feel cherished, safe. I want him to be free of judgment. I want him to live a happy, boring life, without fear of discrimination because he is a ghoul, or fear of being killed by the CCG for being the one thing they can't tolerate.
I carefully pull his head away so I can look into his eyes. Tears streak down his cheeks, and I hold his head in my hands. I wipe the tears away as each one falls.
"Please…please don't cry. Please, just tell me what to do. I'll do anything." He never shows this much emotion. I'm so desperate, I'm so fucking desperate.
He chokes on another sob. "I'm so sorry Amon," he cries, and suddenly he's moving and our bodies clash. Before words can escape my mouth my lips are sealed by a pair of lips. Warm. Hot. Wet.
I have just been thrown into a whirlwind of confusion.
I'm wide-eyed and staring at nothing. My mind is furiously trying to calculate what is happening. Kaneki's lips are against mine. Is this entire thing an illusion? My entire body is frozen as I feel Kaneki's lips continue pressing against mine, firm but not painful. All thoughts are senseless and incomprehensive. Did my mind just make this up? Is this really happening right now?
But…this feels good. I like this kiss. His lips mold against mine so well. I want to reciprocate the kiss. I want to feel more of him…
But I am too late. A sob escapes Kaneki's lips and he pulls away from me like I'm a monster. His face is a mess of self-hatred and disgust. "I'm sorry, I-I don't know what I was t-thinking." He crawls until he hits the opposite wall. His face is red from crying. "I'm sorry…I-I'm so sorry."
My body is frozen in awe. "I-It's okay…" Why can't I say more? Why can't I tell him it felt good, that I enjoyed it, that I'd been intending to reciprocate?
My mind is numb and I am too late. The intercom blares. "All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants. All ghouls, line up for daily suppressants."
Our cell opens, Kaneki cracks a knuckle, and he escapes as if the cell is engulfed in flames.
Ten minutes later he comes back and I'm still on the floor, shell-shocked. He says nothing, climbs onto his bed, and we don't speak the rest of the morning.
...
Hide's POV
"Thank you for your help, Touka."
Her gaze is sorrowful. "You better keep me updated. I want to know everything." Her voice doesn't have the bite it used to.
I nod, and then I'm out of the café. I jump onto my bike and ride to the nearest post office.
I've found you Kaneki. After weeks and weeks of searching, I have finally found you.
I place my letter into the mailbox, already impatient.
Kaneki…I'm going to bring you home.
...
fanfiction ❣
boy x boy ❣
ship ~ amoneki ❣
Amon Koutarou & Kaneki Ken ❣
Tokyo Ghoul ❣
mature ❣