Chapter 35
The celebration came to an end, and everyone went to their tents to sleep. I was walking to my tent when Pan suddenly stopped me. I walked to him, waiting for an order or even an insult. He seemed troubled, he didn't dare look me in the eyes, and he rarely avoids my eyes.
"What helps you to fall asleep and not have any nightmares?" He asked me, making me arch my brow. Nightmares. Usually, he was the one who helped me to fall asleep, but hearing I'm taking for help was a true shock.
"When you play your pipe," I answered truthfully. He let a frustrated breath out.
Yeah, the pipe can't help him.
I thought about something else, but nothing came to my mind. But then I remembered when we fall asleep together. A little smile came to my face at that thought. That night was the most peaceful night ever. It was raining, thunder, and wind, and I was sleeping like a baby. Because I was in Peter's arms. Did he have a peaceful night too?
"Pan, this will sound crazy... I.." Pan looked back at me waiting for me to continue..Why did I even say that? Why would he be interested in that Clary? Why would he care about that night?
"Do you remember when it was raining, and I couldn't sleep because of the thunder?" I asked playing with my fingers nervously. Pan on the other hand was calm and looking at me with curiosity. "When I fall on top of you and we fall asleep like that?" I added still so nervous and he chuckled.
"Yes, Clary I remember. What with that night?" He asked his voice a little bit harsh.
"That night I didn't have nightmares. I was sleeping peacefully." I dared to say.
Did I really just say that? Yes, I did. He probably thinks that I'm weird. I mean, why in the world would he care about that night?
Pan smiled, kindly. The smile I see so rarely, the smile that always makes me think I'm imagining things.
"Clary, take my hand," Pan offered his hand to me. I arched my brow at him and he chuckled.
" Clary, Take my hand," He said again and I slowly took it. My feet suddenly were not on the grass, they were on the hard rock. Cliff, or how I call it "our" cliff. Stupid right? I looked up and saw the stars. The stars, I used to see in my world, were nothing compared to this. The sky was full of stars, and you could see shooting stars. The stars bleeding in each other's galaxies, shining, in pure silver light, made me wish to just try to touch them for a second. It was breathtaking. I was so amazed that I didn't realise that Pan was lying on the floor, a little bit hidden in the shadow of the tree. I lay beside him. Something was wrong, and I could see it in his empty eyes. I took his hand and he looked at me.
"Are you okay?" I asked and he squeezed my hand and smiled a little bit.
"Yes, sleepy head." He answered. I didn't let his hand go, I didn't want to, I couldn't. I was only looking at him. At his perfect face. I could see some cuts on his yaw, and some on his neck, little scars. He was really looking like some boy from a story. And he is. He is Peter Pan. After my long staring at Peter, he broke the silence.
"Do you want to stay here, with me tonight?" Peter asked and I tensed up. My head was telling me, no, but my heart was yes. And usually, I listen to my head, but this time, my heart spoke.
"Yes," I whispered and he looked over at me, a smile of gratitude on his face... We were star gazing and talking, and talking. He talked about all the adventures he had, or even the lost boys had, making me laugh and cry from laughter. I never thought that I and Pan would talk for hours, laugh, be together and enjoy our time together.
"Clary, in the book, how did they describe Peter Pan?" Pan asked me after a moment of silence. He held my hands, playing with my fingers. I smiled at his question.
"Peter Pan is nice looking, always in green, brave, strong.." Pan smirked at that.
"I'm not nice looking, I'm hot." He said and I rolled my eyes at him.
"He is nice, good, he loves his lost boys, he is in love with... Wendy." I said, the name Wendy like a poison on my tongue. I realized he stopped playing with my fingers after hearing the name Wendy. a
"Well they are wrong, I'm a villain. And I don't know a Wendy girl." He said letting go of my hand. He was sitting already so I sat up beside him. His eyes were now looking at the view in front of us. I don't get it. Why is he a villain? After all that happened to him, he should be a hero. I don't mind. Villain or not, he will always be Peter Pan. The book could be right or wrong, it didn't matter- he was Peter Pan.
"I don't see you as a villain," I said, my words causing Pan's eyes to look at me again.
"How do you see me then?" His voice was not cold, it was just empty. I turned my whole body to him.
"I see you as a teenage boy, who is strong, and fearless, but lost and who doesn't let anybody near him. You are sometimes a monster, but sometimes you are that Peter Pan from the book. You, Pan, saved so many boys, you changed their lives, and they are thankful. You are The Peter Pan I always believed in. Vilian or not, you are still a person with a heart. Blackheart or red, doesn't matter- you still have a heart. But you are just scared to let anyone in. You maybe are a villain to someone else, but to me, you are just.... a lost boy." I said and his eyes softened. A little smile appeared on his face, but it disappeared fast as it came.
" Clary...I'm still a villain, even if you see me differently." He replied looking away to the sea.
"Okay, but it doesn't mean that I will change my opinion about you," I said and he shook his head while laughing a little bit.
"You have that opinion about me, even when I hurt you, threw you in the cage, played games with you, when I gave you some hard, heartbreaking tests and when I was harsh to you?" He asked and I nodded. His eyes locked with mine once again."Why?" He asked and I smiled.
" Because you will always stay that boy that I had always believed in. Because you saved me, and you helped me. Because of how hard I try to hate you, I can't, and I don't know why. Peter, you are not a villain to me."I said and took his hand in mine. He looked at our hands and then back at my eyes.
"To me, you are somewhat a hero," I said. He smiled a little bit and looked down. His eyes were now shining with something new. He looked back at me again.
"Clary.." He said, and looked down and then he did something unexpected. He pulled me into a hug. I put my hands around his torso, feeling his warmth. He buried his head in my neck, hugging me so tight. I melted into his hug. When I'm around him, I feel so safe, so comfortable, so.. I feel that I'm home when I'm in his arms. He is maybe a villain, but I love him in the way he is.
Then it hit me hard in the head. My breathing stopped for a second, and my heart started to beat faster.
I love his British accent.
I love his smirk and smile.
I love his games.
I love his crazy mind.
I love his hugs.
I love his eyes.
I love his hair.
I love his lips.
I love everything about him. Even when he is a demon. I.. I..
I fell in love with Peter.
I fell in love with Peter Pan.
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Every memory, day, sentence, and conversation, that I had with Peter, came to my head. The first day when I saw him, is the first time when my heart skipped a beat. How didn't I realise it before? That.. I like.. Him. That I love him.
Love him. That sounds so weird. My head was now spinning.
Then Pan moved away, and I missed his warmth right away. He was holding my hands in his. Pan looked me in the eyes.
"That night, when we were sleeping together, finally after a long time, I had a normal sleep." He said and my eyes widened.
"Realy?" I asked and he nodded. I smiled at that and he smiled back. He was playing again with my hands, and I was looking at him. I promised myself not to fall in love ever again, and here I'm. I'm in love with Peter Pan. A boy who is hundred years old, and who can fly, teleport and all those cool things. In an arrogant, heartless, jerk. Yeah, that one. But I need to be around him. He makes my life happier. God, that's the reason why I always feel those sparks. From the first day, he makes my heart fly.
"Clary, you are changing me." His words caused my mind to stop talking.
"What do you mean?" I asked and he sighed. He laughed lightly making circles with his thumbs on my hand.
"I started to feel something.. And I'm not so hard like I used to be. I have nightmares again because.." He took a deep breath. I could see that he was fighting with himself deep down. "Because of you. " He finally said it. My eyes widen.
"What?" I asked in surprise and looked at him.
"I'm fearless, I'm not scared of anything and anyone, but.. When you came, I start to have feelings... And it means that I.." He looked away from me. His shoulder tensed.
"You can say anything to me," I whispered as I leaned closer to him.
"It means, that I can fall in love with someone.. More specific.. You." He said and I was speechless. Pan can fall in love with me. I'm in love with him. What the hell?! This is too good to be true. " And then you will become my weakness, Clary. And I can not have a weakness. Love is weakness." He said, and I felt my heart just cracking. "How hard I try to make you hate me, you don't. How hard I try to hate you, I can't" He admitted.
" Peter, you make me feel something too," I admitted, and his eyes flashed with something I'd never seen before. A mix of happiness and desire. He pulled me in a hug again, and I put my head on his chest. His hands were holding me so tight like this is the last time he is going to touch me. Then We lay on the grass, my head on his chest and his hands around my waist. His head turned to me. I looked at his eyes. He is not a villain. This boy is only a boy. Not a villain.
"You are not a villainPeter," I mumble and he laughed. His laugh died when he looked at my serious face.
"Clary, I'm. You just don't want to admit that" He said and I swallowed. Peter killed a mermaid, lost boys told me that he is a villain when Jason came to the first thing he said was that Pan is a villain. Hook is calling him a demon. What did Pan do to be a villain? It seems like I really don't want to admit it.
Then Pan's face changed in a sad gesture. His eyes were now sad. He let me go and moved away from me. That hurt.
"Clary.. I can't do this. I can't have a weakness." He said and looked at his hands. He was scared of love- He thinks that Love is a weakness. But it isn't.
"Peter love is not weakness," I said and he sighed. He looked at me again. His eyes flashed with.. Pain.
"For me it is. Don't get me wrong now. I can't fall in love with you. I don't want to. Because I don't want you to be in much bigger danger than you already are." My anger and frustration were rising. I understood him. But I was still hurt.
I was already in love with him, and he didn't want to be in love. That hurt. In much more danger than I already am? Because I'm a lost girl. He had enemies. But I don't care if I'm in danger. As long as I know that I have him...
But he doesn't care Clary.
Then an interesting question came to my mind.
"How do you know that you will maybe fall in love with me?" I asked and he bit his lip. I wanted to kiss those lips then so badly. He sighed and looked at me.
"Because I don't want to let you leave the island. Even if that is the best thing to do, but I can't. Because I want you here."He said and looked away from me.
He should send me back, but he didn't. Because he wanted me here.
My stomach started to do some flips. My heart started to race. I smiled at him and kissed his cheek. He tensed up and looked at me. He smiled and his eyes softened. After some time, lying in the grass, in each other arms, I broke the silence.
"Promise me one thing Peter" I said and he looked into my eyes. And once again, I got lost.
"What?" he asked. And I took his hand in mine, intervening our fingers together. He looked at our looked hands and smiled.
"Don't ever say goodbye to me. You Promise?" I asked and he looked back at my eyes.
"I promise," He said and kissed my forehead. I smiled and put my head back on his chest.
Pan has some feelings for me, but he doesn't want to fall in love with me. And I already did fall in love with him. Hard. And I know that he will make everything that he wants. Because I learned here that Pan gets everything that he wants, and he will do everything that he wants. But maybe I can convince him that love is not a weakness. But I know that he will not listen to me. And I will be honest. I love this evil Peter Pan, more from the Peter Pan from the story. Because this Pan, knows what he wants, what he needs, and he is a real leader, a fighter, he is bad and I like it in some way, and he saved me.
I closed my eyes listening to Pan's heartbeat. I'm addicted to the sound his heartbeat makes. I really never want to be alone again. I hope Pan is going to hold me close, and I really hope, that he is not going to let me go.
"What are you doing to me, Clary.." I heard Peter's voice and fall asleep, without nightmares.
Hello guys! So, this story is comingnto an end. I'm writing the second part of it, I will let you know the name on the end. Thank you so much guys, love you! xoxoxx