Chapter 12
Pain
I don't really know what's worst; the deal that I have made with Peitho to make him fall in love with me, even though there's a chance that he would never fall in love with me and never consider me as a mate, or Peitho avoiding me at all.
Ever since after the date and deal, he has been distant to me. There's one time that I went to his room and he pretended to be sleeping. I had tried to shake him several times, but he wouldn't budge at all. I knew that he was awake because he had been sneaking glances at me and I caught his eyes but still he continued to pretend that he was sleeping.
"It's unfair, you know," I say to my best friend, the Great Alpha Cloud. He smiles playfully at me and I groan, hitting him on his shoulder and he feigns hurt. "Dick head."
"It's big," Cloud states before he bursts out laughing. I scowl at him, pouting as I turn to face the other side, not wanting to face him at all. This is why I love Cloud as my best friend. Whenever I have an issue or a problem, he would try to make me laugh or divert things as a distraction for me not to think them. But my issue is an exception; it will always be an exception. The best thing I want right now is a best friend who is not being a dick head. I need a different Cloud right now. "Come on, Perry. Maybe he just needs a lot of time right now, you know, to think things through."
I sigh, pain erupting in my chest. "It's just that, he doesn't want to give himself a chance at all." I confess to him, clenching my hands. "I just can't get the whole point. I know that he had a mate before, who rejected him mercilessly, but why can't he give himself a chance to love and to be loved? He's depriving himself of a happy life that I can actually give him. It's not fair for him. It's not fair for me. God, why does it have to be this way?"
Cloud rests a hand on my shoulder, giving it a slight and soft squeeze. "Just give him more time, Perry." He says genuinely, so genuine that it makes me look at him. His eyes are shining, and he has a dreamy look plastered on his face. "When I rejected Kieran, you know that I was praying every second of the day, wishing he would come back to me. It took a lot of time; a year for him to come back home. Kieran didn't exactly forgive me as soon as possible, but time healed him. Time healed us. I love him. He loves me. If you love a person, and if that person is destined to be with you, then you'd end up together. No more questions. You guys just need a lot of time."
"What about our 99 days deal?" I question, mumbling and slapping my neck as a bug rests on my neck.
"Fuck the 99 days deal," he mutters, rolling his eyes. "It doesn't matter. The deal doesn't matter. If he likes you, and you like him, despite the deal, you'll end up together. You guys are bound to love each other."
"Thank you — "
"Shit," he curses, standing up with so much haste as I fall on my back, startled. "I can't believe I fucking forgot to pick up Kieran. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He asked me to pick him up at Troy's place! I'm late! Sorry, Perry. We'll talk later."
Nodding at him, I pull myself up and stand up, dusting the dirt off of me. The sun isn't shining brightly, and it looks like it's going to rain since the clouds are dark and all. The day is boring. The kids are in the school today, and some of the pups are sleeping. All I can see across the are the people working — warriors patrolling the area, two Luna talking with some of the pack women, and a child that is eating happily, his back perched on the bricked wall of the Great Room.
Sighing as if I'm carrying all of the worst problems in the world as I walk towards the direction of my house, my eyes focus down on the trimmed grass. Cloud's words have an effect on me, and it almost lifted my spirit, but I just can't nag the pain that I'm feeling inside my chest. It's like my heart is being shattered, being broken into a million pieces whenever I think of Peitho or Dave rejecting me. Peitho or Dave rejecting me is the closest to reality. He can't help but to feel helpless at everything.
Ever since my mate and I got separated a year ago, I have been longing and yearning for him so hard that I thought I would die. I had a chance to follow him when I first saw, to see where he was living, or what his full name was, but I was too shocked to even move and I couldn't believe that I had a guy mate. It was very impossible for me to believe and process everything that had happened. It was like I was loathing, hating myself for the bigotry that I had done. I shamed myself because of what I had done to Kieran. I knew that he didn't deserve the beatings, the rude and snarky comments that I was throwing always at him, and the attitude, but it seemed like I couldn't help myself at all. When I found out that I had a male mate, everything backfired in my face. I shamed myself because it seemed like every awful thing that I had done in my life came back to me at worst ways.
Opening the door wide of my house, the citrus and vanilla scent tickle my nostrils and my heart flutters at the Godly scent. It is addicting, like the kind of drug that you want to sniff every single second. As I walk towards the living room, where every picture of my family framed and hung on the walls, especially on the wall of the stairs, Dave/Peitho is sitting on one of the white sofa, a cushion on his lap as he fumbles with his fingers nervously.
As he hears the door shut, his head snaps into my direction. His hair is tousled, like trucks have run down across it several times but he still manages to look good. The plain white shirt he's wearing is crumpled, as if he has been gripping his shirt tight. His lips are puckered and pursed, like he doesn't want to explain himself at all, or doesn't want to tell the real reason why he's here in my house, sitting uncomfortably on the sofa. My father actually wouldn't mind a guest in my house, but he'd definitely question him like a machine gun firing all at once at the zombies.
"What are you doing here?" I rasp, suddenly out of breath as his eyes meet mine across the plain, old boring living room that I have.
He remains silent, lips still in a purse. The moment he looks away from me, my heart faintly beats, as if sooner or later, it would stop beating. I clench my hand, trying to calm myself down. Peitho is still in the adjusting phase, I calmly tell myself. But as much as I want to believe it, I just can't. He's being too hard to himself, and I'm being pain in the ass, but I just want to make it easier for us; to make ourselves happy when everything around us is slowly crumbling down.
"Are you going to talk to me or not?" I ask sadly, hands still clenched.
"Are you mad?" He asks, staring right at me. I feel like laughing.
Frowning, I shake my head. "No,"
"Okay,"
"Okay?"
"What would you like me to say?" He glares at me, standing up, knocking the cushion and it falls on the ground. He walks daringly towards my direction, his eyes are like the eyes of the snake; slit and scary. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for being scared of falling in love again because maybe I had a worst mate. Though I had tried to take her off my head, it seems like she's hunting me, hurting me. I'm sorry that I just can't trust my heart because it's already broken, that it feels like I don't have a capability to love anymore."
I just hug him, letting his emotions pour out all at the same time on me.