A cool breeze flowed in through the window, the plastic blinds billowing before resting back in their initial positions. The skin raised on my thighs as goose bumps, the air biting at my exposed nerves. This was nature’s way of telling me that I had strayed so openly and in such an undignifying way, but the cold barely touched me when all I could focus on was the deep carnivorous pain in my chest that kept eating away at my vulnerable flesh. Was this all I would ever be?
Pulling my legs up to my chest I rested my head on my bare knees, gazing out of the window into the night sky. There were no stars visible by moonlight on this ever so boring evening; the darkness enveloping the dim shine of stars billions of light years away. The angry noise of fluorescent light bulbs in houses and street lamps shielding us, from the death of glowing stars that are so beautiful that we refuse to acknowledge that they may have died years before we were even born. We believe that the lights we leave on will guide our lost brother or sister home, but the path they need to travel is not always illuminated by practicality or reason.
Just breathe.
I focus on the inhale and exhale of my every breath, my diaphragm expanding with the increase of oxygen and relaxing with the exhale of carbon dioxide. The anxiety at my foolishness never builds, but the undesired water pools at the corners of my eyes. I try to blink them away, keep the tears at bay because I have no reason to feel this empty. I have no reason to cry. I let this happen to me, and if I was a stronger person I would have told him no. But I didn’t, and that is my fault.
My disappointment in myself was the only resolution I needed. I was a whore and the sooner I owned up to that, the easier it would be to look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cringe at the weak useless girl I would see. With an indelicate bounce I climbed off of the bed and found my black jeans on the other side of the room in a heap. Glancing in the mirror on the closet door, I refused to make eye contact with my reflection, instead focusing solely on my hair. It was slightly rumpled, but my lack of participation in this evening’s events allowed for a few runs of my fingers through my hair to return it to normal.
Just breathe.
Pivoting away from the closet I exhaled a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. All I had to do was go downstairs, smile, and everything was going to be alright. In a couple hours I’d be home and I could just stop thinking for awhile as I slept.
The wooden door swung open with unrestrained force, my body jumping in immediate response. Matt stood in the doorway, his face trying to remain devoid but his eyes were begging for answers. Iris was meekly behind him, her frame almost completely hidden by the wall as she stood on the other side of the entry. Gently she placed a hand on his shoulder, silently asking Matt to calm down and rethink things. But rationality holds no place when it comes to passion, and at the very least Matt and I had always held passion when it came to our burning fire.
“Is is true?” he gritted out, despair and anger waging between his words. They wanted me to deny it, to tell them it never happened, that I was in this room all alone for some quiet, that Nate was just being a stupid ass. But it wasn’t the truth.
I sucked on my bottom lip, biting the skin. “Is what true?” I stalled desperately hoping Nate would have had enough sense to wait till tomorrow to start bragging about his latest lay.
I turned my back on the conversation, taking measured steps towards the still open window. The cold wind on my face felt refreshing as I inhaled the fresh evening air. Nature was simple that way. It could be angry rain falling from the skies or a warming breeze that coddled children at the beach, but at the end of the day it was always there and eager to soothe. “Sara, were you in here with Nate?” he asked again, his words guarded like a medieval castle armed with knights ready to slay any foreign enemies who dared defy him. He was the King, but not even all the knights in the world could hide his baby faced innocent heart. And that is why his words made me cringe in regret, my eyes closing at the impact of his question.
Just breathe.
Resuming motion I shut the window, leaving just the two of us in this little boy’s room. “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes. We had sex,” I plainly baulked, pivoting my body to face him once more. The betrayal was stark clear in his warm brown eyes but I forced myself to hold his gaze despite the over-whelming sensation to look away from the pain I had caused. I stared deep into the mess that I had created, burning the image into my mind so I would never forget it. Never forget how easy it was to hurt another person, how easy it was to rip away even small amounts of happiness.
“You’re a whore, you know that right?” he spat at me, his anger propelling him further into the room shrinking the distance between us. His face and neck were tinged a subtle red and I wondered if he was going to strike me across the face like they do in the movies. If I would gasp and grab my throbbing cheek and tell him to just go, if he would stay and apologize, if I would apologize too and then finally agree to date him.
“Matt,” Iris whispered her tone warning. My eyes snapped to her presence not realizing that she was still here, the sole witness to the train crash that was Matt and I. This moment was so tragic that it was too beautiful to tear prying eyes away from. She reached out to touch his arm, resting it on his bicep but I wasn’t sure if the gesture was meant to be restraining or comforting.
“No, she is.” He threw the words at Iris, yanking his arm out of her grasp and once more she faded away into the white walls of the hallway. He took another step towards me, and I would have backed up if there was anywhere to go but I was literally against the wall. “Damn it Sara, what you couldn’t keep it in your pants for one night?” He paused for only half a second hoping in vain that I would interrupt him but I had nothing more to contribute to this conversation. “Was it your goal to sleep with the entire soccer time? How many of us have you actually had sex with?” he ranted, his arms making wild gestures as he spoke. Every question stung, cutting deeper and deeper but my face remained impassive. I didn’t deserve his forgiveness or understanding and I would not let myself feel better by asking for it while he suffered.
“My personal affairs don’t concern you”. Ice was my only comfort, forcing my body to lean against the wall in non-chalance when every fibre of my being wanted to shake. I hid my trembling hands from view behind my back, the only contradiction to the strong confident persona I was portraying. There was no point in even trying to defend myself because there wasn’t an explanation to offer anyways. Maybe it would be easier if he hated me.
My indifferent behaviour was clearly grating on his nerves because he ran his hands through his hair in annoyance causing it stick up in random directions. He looked upwards for guidance but there were no answers written on the ceiling, there was only this mounting tension between us, so palpable and over-whelming that I could hear my own heart beating in my ears. It was fast and irregular but steady like the sun’s rays on a surfer’s back. He let out a breath of frustration, his attention returning to me once more. “You know what?” But it wasn’t a question he wanted to me answer so I waited for him to continue. The calmness unhinging me, I liked it better when he was yelling. “I feel sorry for you. I feel really sorry for you that you have so little self respect for yourself that you would sleep with anything with a dick,” he explained quietly as if it was a fact, as if he was realizing that his anger would be wasted on someone as pitiful and lowly as me.
“MATT,” Iris cried indignantly at his blatant opinion of me, once more breaking free from the static background to interrupt. But he wasn’t wrong, it was evident even to me that I had no self-respect, and I could not blame him for having the guts to say it aloud.
“Whatever, I’m done,” Matt dismissed both Iris and myself. Striding out of the room, each of his steps were heavy and quick. I stared at his fleeting figure wondering if I should call him back and beg for his forgiveness or if I should yell at him for calling me a whore when we weren’t even dating in the first place. If I really was a strong independent woman, I would have had the balls to defend myself to this arrogant ass who feels like women shouldn’t sleep around because it’s un-lady like.
Iris entered the room, her figure replacing Matt’s. Her blonde hair was up in a ponytail, the ends curled to perfection as they bounced with her every move. “Are you okay?” she tentatively asked. I may not be the most emotionally stable person to ever exist, but at the very least I was always okay. The world could throw rocks at my bones or hold my head under water but I will always surface stronger.
I plastered a meek smile on my face to show his words did not offend me, but also that I was not so conceited that I couldn’t empathize with Matt’s emotions. “Me? I’m fine. You should probably go make sure Matt doesn’t do anything stupid like punch a wall.” Hoping to bring her queries to an end I faced the window once more. No longer able to feel the chilling air I wondered if I should open it and take in all the night had to offer.
“Yeah, I guess,” her voice was hesitant as she debated on whether or not she should leave. I remained silent, still staring out the window at the other houses lined up across the street filled with couples and families who were all dysfunctional and loving in their own way. The bedroom lights were all shut off, except for the occasional room where the bright light was still burning. The occupant’s reason for being awake unknown, and all the possibilities flooded my mind. “So why did you do it?” she finally blurted. I closed my eyes against her brashness, and slowly counted to three.
Just breathe.
“Why?” I repeated her question to the space between us, my voice challenging and cynical. I did not need a reason to do it, nor should I have to justify my actions to anyone. Turning back around to face her, my features with morphed with condescension at her ignorance to feminism. “Because I’m a single woman who has every right to sleep with a man, because if this was you or Christine Matt wouldn’t have blown up like that, because as a woman I have the right to have needs and satisfy those needs. Should I go on?” I challenged. For the first time tonight I was getting heated, my words wielding a powerful sword that refused to show mercy. I was compliant with Nate, I was placid with Matt, but I was not going to let Iris thrust her unwelcome judgements on me too.
“It’s not that simple,” she urged softly, unwilling to argue or get upset at me. I told Matt that I wasn’t emotionally available for him; I told him that we weren’t in a relationship, and this was his problem to deal with, not mine.
“It doesn’t matter anyways. Tell Christine that I’m getting a ride from someone else, I’ll spare everyone the tense car ride home”. It wouldn’t be that hard to convince someone to give me a ride home. Maybe one of the girls from my calculus class would still be here.
“You don’t have to do that,” she insisted, sticking her thumbs into the back pockets of her skin tight jeans. Her offer was honest and open, but I couldn’t handle sitting in a car with someone who wanted nothing more than to burn me at the stake. I tend to avoid conflict as often as possible and right now that meant avoiding Matt as well.
“It’ll give Matt time to cool off,” I explained, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, “Don’t worry I’ll be fine. I’ll see you at school after the break”. I half-heartedly grinned at her as I exited the room, leaving Iris standing alone between those four walls where everything changed. Walking down the staircase with my head held high, I scanned the living room for anyone I felt comfortable getting in a car with. When I came up empty I let out an inaudible sigh before heading straight to the front door. Screw it all, I’ll walk home.
A gust of freezing air hit me, an immediate shiver running down my spine and I looked around making sure there were no figures lurking in a bush waiting to jump out and attack. It would take me a little over an hour to get home but my pride refused to allow me to go back inside and wait for Christine and them. With a foolish resolve, I tugged my jacket closer to my body and began to trudge home.
The streetlamps shone down on me, and every five minutes or so a car would whiz by momentarily keeping me company on my late night stroll. It all seemed so stupid now that I was by myself and thoughts of my mother and that letter came rushing back. This whole drama with Matt was good for one thing at least; it served as a decent enough distraction for a couple hours and I was too damn tired to think about anything other than the blisters that were forming on my feet.
So I just kept walking, and kept repeating a phrase in my head.
Just breathe.