Continuation of chapter three : Subways. Reread and come back here.
Valkyrie was in awe.
Skulduggery was not in awe. He was slightly irritated.
"So," Valkyrie began again, "you're telling me that you can understand that voice?"
Skulduggery sighed. "My dearest Valkyrie, for the last time: yes."
The voice from the subway speaker blared again.
"What did it just say?" Valkyrie asked, eyes flicking from the intercom to Skulduggery.
"It asked how you can possibly be this dull."
Valkyrie made a face. "It called me boring?"
"Dim-witted, darling," Skulduggery muttered. "It said it's lost."
"The speaker is lost?"
"No." Skulduggery pointed out the window, into the darkness that was the New York subway station. "The train is lost. The intercom is the train."
Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? That's very unimpressive."
The speaker blared static.
Valkyrie bounced in her seat. "Oh, what it say?"
Skulduggery nodded. "It said that your puny, human body is unimpressive."
"The speaker is a tiny bit rude."
Skulduggery shrugged. "So are you."
Valkyrie sighed. "So, what, are we stuck down here in the sewers? I was promised a glowing forest, Skulduggery." Valkyrie tied her hair back. "My nap wasn't even that good."
Skulduggery crossed his arms and faced the speaker. "Do," he said loudly, "you have a map?"
Static.
"Does it have a map?"
"No."
Valkyrie considered. "Do we have a plan B?"
Skulduggery put his hands on his hips. "I found this mystery, I booked the plane tickets, I figured out the utter and absolute mess that is this subway system, I hailed the taxi; I'm afraid it's your turn for a plan."
Valkyrie looked around. She stood up. She walked over to the doors. She kicked them.
"Open up!"
Valkyrie heard the speakers this time:
"That fucking hurt!"
The subway doors wooshed open. Valkyrie stuck her head out and looked side to side. There was about two feet in between the subway car and the wall. Valkyrie hopped down onto the tracks.
"Right or left, Skulduggery?"
"This is your plan."
Valkyrie turned right and shimmied along the wall until she was free of the car. Skulduggery followed a few seconds later.
Skulduggery adjusted his tie as he looked around. "The subway car told me to pass along a message to you."
Valkyrie perked.
"It said, and I'm quoting, not to shame you or your combat boots, but the subway car said: 'Fuck you and your shitty boots.' Now, I, for one, am a fan of your combat boots. They really hide the fact that your feet are a size or two above average."
"Hey, at least I have feet."
Valkyrie saw Skulduggery look down in the light of the subway car. "I'm sorry, but do you think I don't have feet? I'm afraid to ask, but what am I standing on right now?"
Valkyrie heaved a deep sigh. "Yeah, I know you have feet, but you don't have, like, tendons and stuff."
"I see the anatomy lessons paid off."
Valkyrie snorted a laugh. "Shut up, you coat rack."
The subway car shuddered, and Valkyrie slammed herself against the wall. She was not going to get crushed underneath a subway car, not today. She had horrific flashes of her fate—metal tires, the sound of screeching filling her ears, sparks, her fragile tendons, dashed in the dark of this sewer subway.
The subway car trundled of in the other direction.
It was now pitch dark.
"Skulduggery," Valkyrie said loudly, "are you still here?"
"No."
Valkyrie slid her foot forward, toeing the ground to make sure she wasn't going to fall right on her face.
Without the subway car, it was creepy. No light, just distant dripping and scattering of something nearby, a rustling. Sound bounced off the stone, and Valkyrie suddenly lost all sense of how far away the walls were. Strange drafts played with her hair.
"No light?" Valkyrie asked, voice echoing.
"Your plan. And besides, you need to practice with your magic. You certainly can barbeque an enemy, but you lack the subtleties you were just beginning to develop with your elemental and necromancy magic."
Valkyrie flexed her fingers. Her magic was like an excitable dog; Valkyrie had a very worn, very thin leash.
The magic bubbled down her arm and into her fingers, eager to come out and play. Valkyrie closed her eyes and went through the steps Skulduggery had drilled into her.
A breath. Her heartbeat in her ears. The magic, buzzing in her soul, jumping from cell to cell. She was not to fight it. It was a part of her. Like the air in her lungs, in her blood. She didn't have to fight the air.
"Am I doing it?"
"Open your eyes."
Valkyrie opened her eyes. White light crackled from one fingertip to the next. She grinned.
"I'm the best ever."
Skulduggery nodded. "That you are. Shall we?"
"Right." Valkyrie marched off in her awesome combat boots.
Her awesome combat boots sloshed loudly in the puddles. In smelled of mold.
"Oh my God, ew."
"Now, are you referring to the rats, the sewer water, the—"
Valkyrie blanched. "There's a mushroom."
Skulduggery looked around. "Where?"
Valkyrie pointed. "Look, right there! God, it's so—so gross."
Skulduggery shook his head. "One day, your mouth is going to get me horrifically killed. And it will be because I am a noble protector, and I'll dive in the way of some gruesome death magic, and disintegrate, all because you insulted a mushroom."
"I ate mushroom pizza once." Valkyrie looked into space. "It was really, really gross."
"I don't have a tongue, and can't comment on what you once said, however for the sake of a conversation, I'm just going to talk because I know you're going to only say something if I fill the silence."
Valkyrie hurried past the mushroom. "Look, just trust me when I say—shit there's another one! It's huge!"
The magic on her finger tips fizzled out into the damp air.
"Valkyrie, can I ask why you're now walking in the dark?"
"There are no mushrooms in the dark, Skulduggery."
"Impeccable logic."
"Hold my hand and lead me. Skulduggery—Skulduggery, hold my hand. I can't see. I'm going to trip and fall onto my face."
"I'm going to point this out once and only once: This dilemma is one that is easily solved by you simply ignoring the mushrooms."
"You don't love me."
"I do, very much, but I don't love you more than I hate this sudden and inexplicable phobia of mushrooms you've developed."
Valkyrie frowned. "Hold on... Oh my God, I can see the mushrooms. This is the worst trip ever. They're huge."
"They have bioluminescence. There's a light up ahead."
And there was. Far away, an orange flame flickered. Far away, past a disturbing amount of mushrooms hanging from the ceiling.
"Hello!" the flame called, voice bouncing down the subway tunnel. "Thank you so much for coming!" The voice was rather shrill.
"Oh God," Valkyrie breathed.
By the time they had reached the woman, the mushrooms had started growing heads and spikes.
"Oh, wow, thank you so much for coming. Valkyrie and Skulduggery, like, wow." She laughed. Loudly. "I'm Lampshade."
Valkyrie thought she misheard. "I'm sorry?"
She laughed again. "Oh, yeah. I lost a bet. The bet was that I wouldn't have a stupid taken name. So I guess I won it? Anyways, I'm talking a lot. Someone stole a bomb, so we're sort of freaking out."
Valkyrie frowned. "Wait, what?"
Lampshade started leading them further down the tunnel. "Well, you see, we take care of the forest. There's a lot of screwy stuff in here, and one of them is this mushroom-bomb thing. Well, someone stole her, we don't know who."
Valkyrie opened her mouth to try and get some coherency out of this girl, when the tunnel opened up.
The walls dropped away to her right and left, leaving only the low ceiling. Full grown trees hung down, all glowing a soft, milky green. Attached to the ceiling. There were trees on the ceiling. Valkyrie could see their roots digging into the concrete above her head.
She looked at the ground. Still the gravel. She looked back out.
Everything was a twilight. It was an upside-down pine tree forest, the very tips of the trees just brushing the ground. The air was fresh here. Water trickled down, over the trunks, dripped from the pine needles.
Lampshade smiled. "Cool, huh?"
"Yeah. Yeah, it really is." Valkyrie grinned back. "What is this place?"
"The city is above us, and all the pollution leeches down. These trees purify the water, pump out clean air." Lampshade reached out and touched one of the trees. It glowed brighter under her fingertips. "They're actually modified mushrooms, spiced up with some magic. It's why they glow."
Skulduggery nudged Valkyrie with his elbow. Valkyrie was not amused.
Lampshade took a deep breath. "Adam!" she yelled, voice shrill and high. The sound was swallowed up by the leaves. Lampshade gave them an apologetic look. "Sorry, I told him we should get walkie-talkies." She turned back around. "Adam!"
"Lampshade and Adam?" Valkyrie whispered to Skulduggery.
"He obviously didn't lose the bet."
A man pushed aside the branches of a tree. "Lampshade, I'm here." His attention switched to Valkyrie and Skulduggery. He walked toward them, removed his gardening glove, extended a hand. "Thanks for coming. Adam Mags."
Skulduggery shook his hand. "I'd love to get some more information about this bomb. I have to admit, part of the reason we came was to see the famed forest. However, finding the bomb would probably be more useful than sightseeing."
Lampshade's grin hadn't left. "We're totally hiring. The pay sucks but it's fun."
Valkyrie smiled politely. "No, I'm a detective."
Skulduggery shook his head. "I've killed every plant I've ever owned."
Adam looked scandalized.
Lampshade nodded, not phased in the slightest. "Alrighty, well, this way is where we grow the bombs. Careful, if you step on one and inhale the spores, a colony will start in your lungs. They're very sensitive."
Valkyrie followed slightly behind Skulduggery.
"I fucking hate mushrooms," Valkyrie breathed.
Skulduggery's head tilted to the right. He was grinning.
Valkyrie punched his arm.