This is the "clean" version of the chapter. The "mature" version that I HIGHLY suggest you read can be found in Bittersweet Restricted.
Enjoy!
As soon as Gage saw what was in my hand his eyes widened slightly but he said nothing. I guess I was just in the questioning mood tonight because after I couldn't stand the silence I asked, "Are you really going to leave the bakery?" although I wasn't sure if I wanted the answer.
He took another moment before he finally opened his mouth to say, "I'm planning on it."
"But why?" I took another step forward.
"Is it really not that obvious? You heard what's going on in my life. I am toxic, Katy."
"That's not what I heard. I heard that Sparrow and his stupid organization were toxic. Not you."
"But I'm a part of all that," he ran his fingers through his hair exasperatedly. "As much as I hate it, they run my life. And when something doesn't go the way they planned, they hurt the people I care about. You saw it firsthand tonight."
The sound of glass breaking was still fresh on my mind, but for some reason, it didn't have the same effect on me as it did earlier. That wasn't half as scary as Gage leaving.
"So you're going to run?" I challenged.
"I'm going to keep you safe."
"By leaving."
"If that's what it takes."
I looked at him evenly with my arms crossed trying not to let my anger get the best of me, but a fragment of it slipped out when I took his notice and ripped it in half letting it drop to the floor. He jumped up from the couch.
"What are you doing?!"
"I'm denying your notice."
"You can't do that!" he picked up the torn pieces and placed them on a nearby table. "It's not something that requires your permission, it's a fact."
"Regardless I won't let you do this," I spoke definitely. "I may be a kind person but I won't let something like this happen without me fighting for it."
"Katy, you are fighting a losing battle. Why can't you see that me leaving is a good thing? When something bad happens to me, you won't have to suffer the consequences anymore."
"Did you not hear anything I said earlier? I am by your side in this--"
"And I really appreciate you wanting to be there for me, really, but that doesn't change anything. I've made up my mind."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Well, you're making the wrong decision."
"I'm not--"
"You are!" I yelled making him flinch a little. I think this might be the first time he's heard me raise my voice before. "Do you really think that because you are gone this will really keep me out of danger? They came to my bakery for a reason. They destroyed my bakery for a reason. They know that you are close to me and if anything happens to you, even if you leave, they will still come for me. It doesn't matter if you move to California or even in Europe, their target will be me. Trying to leave won't change that."
Gage was quiet as he took in what I said. He didn't have to say it, but we both knew that I was right.
"I can't put you in any more danger, Katy."
"You will only be putting me in more danger if you leave. I won't have any sort of protection."
"You will have Lamar."
"So you are going to explain to Lamar about all of this?"
"No," he replied fiercely.
"Okay," I backed off a little. "Then this is just how it's going to be. It may not be an ideal way to live life, but at least we are in this together. It's temporary anyway. The debt will be paid and you won't have to worry about it anymore."
"And if I don't pay the debt?" he raised an eyebrow at me. "Will you still want to be around for that?"
Whatever confidence I felt earlier died down a little at those words. I honestly didn't think that was a possibility for some naive reason. But if I was wrong and something were to happen to him . . . I shuddered at the thought.
He must have seen it too because he nodded and said, "Exactly. As I said before, I am toxic--"
"I won't let that happen."
Gage looked taken aback by my sudden intensity. "What?"
"I won't let you fail," I took another step forward to look up at him seriously. "I will do everything in my power to help you pay off that stupid debt. And I am willing to take risks. I'll even sell my bakery if I have to."
His eyes bulged. "Don't you dare say that! That's not even funny, Katy. The bakery is your life. I would never let you do something like that."
"It's not something that requires your permission, it's a fact," I crossed my arms in front of my chest feeling a little proud of myself for using his own words against him.
All at once he looked frustrated, annoyed, and all around defeated. He knew that I could be just as stubborn as he was if not more. It seems that I wasn't the only one fighting a losing battle. I let myself be proud a moment longer before I let my arms fall to my side and side.
"When it comes to protecting the people I care about, Gage Rivers, I don't play around," the next step I took was so close I had to tilt my head back to look at him. "And I'm not saying I'm actually going to sell the bakery any time soon. I'm just saying that if it came down to it, I would. Because to me, you are worth the sacrifice. I can always have another bakery down the road. But you . . . I can't replace that. "
And it was true. Everything that I said I absolutely meant it. My dreams may be important to me, but that doesn't mean they are my priority if it came to life or death situations.
Gage looked down at me, his deep blue eyes searching mine before he opened his mouth to ask, "Why? Why would you ever consider doing this for me? Why are you so adamant that I stay here?"
I bit my lower lip feeling a little anxious about answering his question. I could just say I would do it because he's my friend, but that would be a lie. I knew why I would take such great lengths for him. I've actually known for a while now. A few times I've admitted to myself, but to say it out loud made my palms sweaty. Regardless, tonight Gage opened up to me, so it was only fair that I do that same. And so, I took a deep breath before answering.
"There are actually a lot of answers to that," I smiled. "I want you to stay because you still owe me a few more defense lessons. I want you to stay because we need to get ice cream again. I want you to stay because if we ever have a Pictionary competition I need you as my partner. I want you to stay because I can't make cocoa cappuccino cookies like you can. I want you to stay because I love the motorcycle rides to and from work. I want you to stay because we need to visit an amusement park together. I want you to stay because I have nowhere to go at midnight when I run out of flour. I want you to stay because nobody else will call me Shortcake. I want you to stay because you are my best friend. But the most important reason why I want you to stay," I paused to take a deep breath and gather my courage before I said, "is because I am in love with you."
I hesitated before I continued to take in his shocked expression. I tried not to let it discourage me as I went on.
"I don't expect you to return my feelings although I know we've had some . . . moments together," I tried to contain my blush. "Just because you kiss someone back doesn't mean you love them. And you know, even if it was really great, that doesn't mean anything either I guess. But I do know that my feelings for you are real and they have been for a while now. I find no better comfort than when I'm with you. Ever since I was a little girl I've been searching for a place to call home. To me, a home is where you feel safe, loved, comfort, and free. Although my bakery was that for me for a long time, I discovered that my true home exists with you."
When I looked up at him he was still wearing that same shocked expression. At first, I was okay with it, but now that it's still lingering around it worries me. Gage was frozen like that for a long time before he finally opened his mouth to say, "You . . . love me?"
"Well, yeah" I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "I do."
Silence.
With each passing minute that remained quite, my heart started to drop a little further. I knew this would be a possibility. Only I didn't have enough time to prepare for it. My nerves increased tenfold and I could practically feel the swell of words coming up my throat until they finally poured out of my mouth just like do with every awkward situation I'm in.
"But, like I said. I don't expect you to return my feelings. If you don't . . . feel the same way I understand. Although not going to lie, it might be a little weird at first," I laughed nervously. "But I can handle it. It won't change our friendship or even work relationship. I would never want to force you into something you don't want. I mean, it's a pretty big deal and if you're not really for it I will just drop the subject. Really, I will. I can just go back to take my shower and we can pretend that this never happened. So . . . okay," I walked back towards his room quickly before he could see how I really felt. "Towels are under the sink right? And I don't care if the shampoo is a little manly smelling. Not that men have a particular smell that should be considered manly but I just mean that--whoa!"
I didn't hear the sound of Gage's footsteps as he came after me, but suddenly his hand was wrapped around my wrist and he gently pulled me back towards him. I instantly went crashing into his hard chest and I looked up at him to ask what he was doing when his mouth covered mine.
I froze up for a second, not prepared for this at all, but slowly thawed out at the feel of his soft, velvet lips against mine. And just like before at the beach the world came to a stop and I was entranced by the man. So much so that my eyes slid shut and my arms slowly wrapped around his neck fully giving into the situation. Little warning bells started ringing in my head reminding me not to get too invested when he suddenly released me. I felt like one of those cartoon characters whose eyes roll around in circles they are so dazed.
"You love me?" he asked again.
This time I smiled. "Well, I think that's what it means when you tell someone you love them."
He kept his eyes trained on me a moment longer before they slid shut and his forehead pressed against mine. "Say it again."
"What? That I love you?"
He nodded.
"I love you."
I could feel the tension leave his body under my hold.
"Again," then he added, "please."
I smiled at him although he couldn't see. "I love you, Gage."
"Oh God," his head dropped down to my shoulder and he pulled me in even closer. "You have absolutely no idea how badly I wanted to tell you the exact same thing."
I made a face. "What? That you love yourself?"
"That I'm in love with you," he suddenly looked back up to me with such intensity my breath hitched. Yet another thing I wasn't prepared for. "I love you, Katy. So fucking much," he pressed his lips against my forehead. "I shouldn't. And you deserve so much better. But I will not deny that you have claimed a massive spot in my life. I'm not good with all of this . . . but you have to know I would do anything for you."
"Anything?"
"Anything," he kissed my forehead.
I moved my hands down the front of his chest and asked, "Will you stay?"
His trail of kisses came to a halt.
"Katy--"
"No," I pushed him back even though my body protested the entire time. "Promise me you will stay. Please, promise me that you won't leave me. Because if you do . . . I will be so incredibly broken."
He looked at me with a sad expression but didn't say anything.
"It's not just a want, Gage. I need you so much more than you know," I thought back to the nightmares and started to feel my eyes well up. "I can't do any of this without you and I really don't want to. I don't care if it sounds selfish, but I've hardly ever had a good thing stay in my life before it vanishes as soon as I turn around. I don't want that anymore. I want to feel this happiness permanently. And yes we will have our challenges and we will have really hard days but I want them all! I want them if they include you because damnit, Gage, I love you so much and I refuse to give up on this before it has a chance to begin! So please," I was almost out of breath at this point, "stay."
He looked at me for a long moment as if searching for something before he let out a sigh and said, "Okay."
My eyes widened. "Really?"
"Really. Especially if it means I get to do this with you every day."
Before I could ask what he meant his lips returned to mine and I had my answer. It didn't take me long to completely melt into his arms. This time it was completely different.
I didn't remember our first kiss thanks to Kellie. Our second kiss was in front of others and felt like it had to be hurried. Our third kiss was when I thought he didn't love me. And although they were all great, our fourth kiss right now had to be my favorite. We didn't have to rush, rather we took it slow, I knew he loved me, it was only him and I in his little apartment, and even though I wasn't drunk, his lips made me feel dizzy. I wondered if I will ever be able to get over it.
I hoped not.
When I realized the privacy card was in play I decided to fully let myself go and sunk deeper into his hold. He must have got the memo when he wrapped both arms around my torso pulling me against him so tightly there was no space between us. I could feel every inch of his body against my own. That's when the little spark between us started to heat up even further. I was ready for more and clearly, my body was as well when my fingers snaked into his hair feeling the soft texture between them.
I didn't realize it, but at some point, Gage had moved us backward until I was now pinned against the wall. I lost all train of thought when his tongue invaded my mouth so deliciously. Usually, I didn't like the action, but something about the moment made me want even more. And I could feel Gage was wanting the same thing.
He pulled back for a moment to ask, "Are you sure you need to take a shower?"
A moan escaped from my lips when he started kissing along the base of my throat. I leaned back to give him better access.
"Yes, I really do," I could feel his frown against my throat until I added, "Would you umm . . . like to join me?"
I was never good at bedroom talk but apparently, I pushed some kind of button when Gage pulled back to look at me, his eyes filled with desire.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
I bit my lower lip and nodded my head completely sure of myself for the first time in a long time. And that's all it took before he reached down to grab the back of my legs and threw them around his waist. I gave a little squeak when I was suddenly off the ground and we were heading towards his room. I'm not sure how he managed it with our mouths practically sewn together the entire time, but somehow we made it to the bathroom. I finally discovered Gage's strength when he held my entire body up with one arm while using the other to turn on the shower. While it started to heat up, so did we and our clothes were being tossed every which way.
It should be awkward, I kept reminding myself, but for some reason, it wasn't. Instead, it felt completely right, almost natural to be bare in front of each other. I guess that's what happens when you trust and care about someone so much. And although I will admit I that blushed when I discovered Gage had a beauty mark on his pale butt, that was the extent of it.
With him, everything was okay. We hardly had enough time to examine each other any further since we were already on each other again as soon as Gage shut the door behind him. All I really knew was that his tattoos reached further places than I expected although they mostly stopped at his hips leaving part of him untouched by the black markings. It was truly an amazing sight.
It seems I'm not the only one admiring someone's body when I heard Gage growl, "You are so fucking beautiful."
A blush crept up on my cheeks before his lips gently grazed over mine, as if experimenting with them, before sealing them together completely. And just like that my senses became unbound to the point where it was almost too much, all from one simple action. I could taste his desire on my tongue, I could feel his affection beneath my fingertips, I could hear his soft moans of pleasure. All of it was ignition to the fire between us until together we were a blazing inferno. It scared me, it delighted me, it made me crave more. I've never felt such intensity before in all my life.
I loved it.
Gage's rough yet gentle hands mimicked the warm water as they ran over, under, and between our bodies making sure to touch every curve and crevice. There was no part of me that he didn't explore and I made sure to do the same with him allowing myself to surrender to my selfish desires. It's been so long since I've felt a man this way, but it was the first time I've touched someone I loved. While I did my exploration he murmured soft nothings against my shoulder that sent my heart into a frenzy. I ran my fingers up and down his spine taking in the entirety of our situation when my eyes landed on the black shampoo bottle behind him.
"Gage?"
"Hmm?" he kissed the area between my neck and shoulder making me lose focus for a second.
"We still have to take a shower."
He paused his ministrations for a second to say, "I think we are clean enough."
"Not quite," I reached for his bottle of shampoo and squirted some in my hand. "You might want to let go for a second."
"Not yet," he worked his hot mouth down towards my collarbone. As tempting as it really was, I had other ideas in mind.
Therefore when he didn't move after I asked a second time, I let out a sigh and said, "Fine I'll just get you right here," then slapped the shampoo in his hair and rubbed it all around.
"Hey!" he tensed up before pulling back from my neck to frown at me. "That was a cheap shot. Which you seem to use frequently."
I shrugged. "Whatever works. Now lean down, please."
He raised a quizzical eyebrow at me but nonetheless leaned forward slightly so I could reach his hair. I massaged it between his thick locks, careful not to get any in his eyes, until it was lathered up completely. I didn't tell him, but I styled it in a funny mohawk before he rinsed it out quickly.
"My turn," he grabbed the bottle. Although my hair was still relatively short I turned around for him to get all of it. His fingers went around and around my scalp in soft circles relaxing me completely. My eyelids slid shut and I briefly wondered if this is what the dough feels like to be kneaded by him. If so, I'm jealous. Before he led me to rinse off my hair he tilted my head back a little further so that he could kiss the top of my nose. I giggled at his tenderness liking this side of him although I liked every side really.
Although he had a washing rag I skipped it to use my bare hands when rubbing the soap over his body. He gave me a pointed look although we both knew what I was up to but didn't complain when I massaged his muscles. I paid extra attention to his chest and abs running my fingers over the ridges like I've dreamed of doing for so long. I've never seen something so magnificent up close before. I counted each muscle all the way down stopping near his waist and froze.
Right below my hand was Gage's length that was impressive even when it wasn't at full attention. If tonight continues on like I think it will, I am almost scared that it might not fit inside of me. I don't exactly have the . . . experience with this sort of thing, so I was more nervous than usual.
Still, I tried not to worry about it too much as I continued rubbing the soap down the rest of him then back up. When I was finished, I watched as he rinsed himself off. After he was done he took the bar from my hand and began working on my back in slow, small circles. From there he traveled down below my hips, taking even slower circles, then paused behind my calf.
"What is this?" he asked.
I tried to turn around to see but I couldn't twist that far. "What is what?"
"You have a cut back here."
"Oh," I almost forgot how the night began. "I guess that was from the glass in the bakery."
When I didn't hear a reply, I was growing worried until suddenly I felt his soft lips press against my leg near the apparent injury. The touch was feather light, and yet it sent a shock of pleasure throughout my body like I've never known before. It wasn't the sensual kind of pleasure that made me ache, but my heart did swell.
Ever so slowly, as if he had all the patience in the world, he continued kissing up my calf towards the back of my knee before turning me around to continue.
"Where are you hurt, baby?" his voice came out low and soft.
My heart fluttered gleefully at his new nickname for me. It was a nice upgrade from Shortcake, although that one had a deeper meaning. Still, I wouldn't mind hearing it more often.
I was so wrapped up in the change I had nearly forgotten his question.
"Umm . . . I think it mostly got on my legs."
"Hmm. Here?" he kissed my shin.
"Yeah, a little there."
"And here?" he ran the tips of his teeth up above my knee and I tried not to stiffen, but failed.
"U-Uh, yeah. I think so," my voice came out a little shaky, just like my breathing.
He chuckled against my bottom of my thigh, clearly enjoying my reaction, before he suddenly paused his ministrations. I waited patiently for what was to come, but when he didn't continue, I looked down to see the playfulness he once had moments ago vanish to be replaced by something else. Something more . . . severe.
"Gage?" I started, warily. "Are you alright?"
His answer didn't come right away. Instead, he remained still before slowly he wrapped his hands around the back of my legs and pressed his forehead against my legs. His position made it almost seem like he was begging for something, only I wasn't sure what for because he still wouldn't talk. The only sound that could be heard was the shower running. At this angle the water hit his inked back directly, small streams rolled off of him lazily. I watched in awe and anticipation before I heard him softly sigh against me and finally say, "I'm so sorry, Katy."
Confused, I raised an eyebrow although he couldn't see. "For what?"
"These marks," he ran his finger lightly up my leg. "You wouldn't have been hurt if it wasn't for me. None of this would have happened--"
"Gage, no," I tried to quickly put an end to his concerns. "You didn't do this. You didn't hurt me."
"But it's my fault," his eyes snapped up to me and I could finally see it. The guilt lingering in those beautiful blues. "The only reason why Sparrow came after you at all was because of me."
"That still wasn't your fault. He chose to come after me. You didn't tell him to. Look at me," I demanded when he started to look to the side. "This is not your fault. Do not take the blame for what he did. This was his fault, not yours. Okay?"
The silence returned as his eyes scanned mine. I wasn't sure what he was looking for, but whatever it was, I tried to make it clear that his worries were unnecessary. I knew Gage would never want something like this to happen to me. And even though this was the outcome of loving him, it wouldn't change the way I felt about him. It wasn't ideal, but I had made my mind up a while back. I wanted to be with him, through the bad and the good, which probably made me a fool, but that was just how love worked. You do whatever it takes to be by their side because you know at the end of it all that's the only place for you.
After a moment Gage must have found what he was searching when he finally relaxed and pressed his lips back to my leg.
"I promise, Katy, to always take care of you," he murmured. "I will never let him or anyone else hurt you ever again. I will always protect you. For as long as I can. Or for as long as you want me."
I smiled down at him before gently running my fingers through his wet hair. "I will always want you."
And with that, Gage returned to me along with his lips that met mine so tenderly I momentarily forgot how to breathe. The familiar warmth returned, filling me up and chasing away any chill from the now cold shower. I embraced the feeling, letting it take control over my body before it took me towards a very dangerous territory. And yet, I welcomed it. My fingers, still locked in Gage's hair, tightened as he continued to nip and suck in all the right ways before roaming towards my neck. A very sensitive area, which he soon discovered just how much when he reached an area that elicited a noise somewhere between a moan and a sigh. Immediately he stiffened, before slowly relaxing as he switched his focus to that single area, pulling out even more moans. When he combined his hands, roaming and squeezing around my body as he devoured my neck, I couldn't take it anymore.
"Please," I whimpered, although I wasn't sure what I was asking for.
Gage must have though when he quickly turned off the water. Ms. Vasnev is going to throw a fit when he sees how much water Gage used tonight, but my worry about that faded away when I was suddenly lifted into his arms again. I don't know how he did it, but he somehow managed to get us out the bathroom all while carrying me. Plus he didn't slip which was extra impressive given that we were both drenched. I was still coming down from my high but it was amazingly starting to come back when I was tossed on his bed. However, when I saw the puddle I left on his sheets, I grew concerned.
"Wait!" Gage paused above me expectantly. "I don't want to get your sheets all wet."
The edge of his lip curled up and he started to laugh. "Really? That's what you're worried about?"
"Well, yeah. Aren't these silk?"
"They are satin, but trust me," he crawled on top of me, "I want you to get them wet."
Without warning his mouth was on mine again muting out my concern and instead shocking my system. I swear I felt like a giddy highschooler all over again. Only I didn't kiss anyone like this in high school. Or anyone at all. The dating scene was kind of limited back then when you went to the school I was at. But that's not entirely important right now.
I was soaking in the pleasant sensations now when I realized where this was probably going to lead to. And the thing is, I wanted it, so badly, but there was a small issue. Something that Gage should probably know, because looking at how we are now, I don't think our inferno was going to die down anytime soon.
My anxiety from early returned only for an entirely different reason, but I knew this was important for our relationship. Which is why when he started kissing down my stomach I finally said, "Gage?"
"Yes, baby?" he said between kisses.
Now comes the hard part. At least for me. I took in a deep breath before beginning.
"There is . . . something you should probably know before we . . . well, if we do something."
His kisses came to an immediate halt and he looked up at me curiously. I could tell he was still reeling from his actions earlier, but he still became serious and said, "Okay. What is it?"
This time when my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest wasn't because I was excited, but the complete opposite. All sorts of fears ran through my mind both rational and non-rational. But they all boiled down to one central concern: what if he doesn't want me because of this?
I could just brush it off and tell him to forget about it, but a large part of me knew this was important. And not just for our relationship, but for me as well. I could lie to myself all I wanted and pretend it wasn't a big deal, but the reality of the situation was that this was actually pretty huge. Which is probably why I felt like a ball of nerves.
I must have taken longer to gather my courage than I thought because Gage asked again, "Katy? Are you okay? What is it?"
The concern in his voice was so kind and I really hoped that this wouldn't be the last time I heard it. Because right then I made my decision and took a deep breath to tell try and tell him something I never thought I would before.
"Gage . . . I'm a, uh . . . well, you see . . . I kind of have never . . . I'm not exactly . . . experienced in the sex department. Not saying that there is a department for that. That would be weird," I laughed nervously. "But if it was a department I wouldn't be really . . . in it. I mean, I would be standing next to it for sure. Maybe like sitting on a bench in front of it and sometimes peeking inside the window, but I've never stepped inside. If you get what I'm trying to say. Wow, this was a terrible analogy, I'm so sorry."
In my mind with the million different scenarios, I imagined his reaction to be a lot different than what it was now. One scenario that I imagined was that he would appear disappointed and look at me differently. Another irrational fear was that he might kick me out. Again, very irrational, but of course my mind went to every possibility no matter how crazy.
But instead of any of those scenarios playing out, Gage didn't look upset by what I said at all, but instead simply asked, "You're a virgin?"
His question came out so casual, as if simply asking about the weather, but still my anxiety increased when I heard him say what I couldn't out loud. With my cheeks on fire, I looked at him and gave a small nod of the head not wanting to really admit it out loud. His reaction could just be the calm before the storm and I wasn't prepared for what might happen.
"It's weird, right?" I laughed without humor. "I mean, I'm twenty-six and I've never been with anybody in that way. Not that I didn't want to. It's just that . . . well, I'm always so busy. And I've never connected with anyone so deeply before. Carson was abstinent so, naturally, we didn't even try to go that far . . . so yeah," I looked away. "I understand if you think it's strange. That I'm strange. And if you find me less . . . desirable I can understand that too--"
"Stop it," he snapped. I immediately looked down to see his angered expression directed at me. "Stop saying such awful things about yourself, Katy. How could you even think of yourself as undesirable?"
My eyes widened at that. "But . . . I'm a virgin."
"So?"
"An older virgin."
"Okay?"
I blinked a few times. "I thought that . . . guys don't like that because, well . . . being with a virgin isn't exactly the best. The first time is not ideal and they don't want to be responsible for something so important."
"Guys don't think like that. Boys do," he crawled up closer towards me. "The first time will always be amazing when it's with someone you truly care about. And just because you are a virgin doesn't make you any less desirable, Katy. It only means that I will have to be more careful, which I don't mind at all. The only reason why I wouldn't have sex with you is because you asked me not to, not because I didn't want to. Because believe me . . . I want you."
The heat from his eyes sent a shiver down my spine and suddenly I wasn't so anxious anymore. I don't know how he does it, but once again he gave me the confidence I lacked for so long. But still, I could erase all my fears.
"Really?"
"Absolutely," he placed a warm kiss between my breasts. "I am so torn because I want to make slow, soft love to you, yet at the same time," he gripped my thighs, "I want to hear you cry out my name repeatedly." My body reacted in a way I wasn't used to. "Regardless, I just want you to feel the love I have for you. In every kiss, every touch, every way possible, I want you to feel me. I want to give you all of me. I want to mend any broken pieces that remain in you. I want . . . you."
I was afraid to talk I was so amazed by his words. But I was able to choke out, "I-I want that, too."
He looked up at me warily. "And you are sure about this? Because although I desire you, I don't want you to do anything you would regret later."
"Now you are the one saying ridiculous stuff. I would never regret this," I ran my fingers through his tousled hair. "Not if it's with you, Gage."
And it was true. Everything I said, I meant it all. When I was with Carson I was okay with not giving myself to him completely. I thought maybe that was normal, but now I see how wrong I was. I wanted to be with Gage not just for the pleasure, but for that real connection everyone desires so much. I wanted us to be whole.
And in a way, I want to mend the broken pieces that he has as well. Because although I have suffered tonight, it's really Gage that needs the mending. I only received a taste of Sparrow's wrath when Gage has suffered through it for months all to protect those he loves. His happiness has been sacrificed for so long, but I can erase that. And I want to give it to him entirely. Nobody deserves happiness more than this man, and if I can provide it for him, then I will.
I couldn't stand him being so far away, so I leaned up to reach his lips letting him know that there was no turning back. I had made up my mind. I loved him, completely, and I wanted to show him just how much.
And so, with no walls between us now, we folded into one another drowning in our pent up passion and letting go of all the horrors from tonight. As far as we were concerned, there was no Sparrow. There was no debt. There was no fear or worry. It was just Gage, me, and our desire for one another. Together we silently discovered new and exciting things about each other not needing to talk. After a while, the first word I uttered was, "Condom?"
"Top drawer," he mumbled while kissing below my jaw.
I quickly rolled over to open his drawer, but what I pulled out confused me.
"Umm . . . Gage?"
"Yeah?" he nipped at my hip.
I flipped over, much to his dismay, and showed him the box. "Why do these say extra small?"
For a moment he looked surprised until eyes narrowed. "I'm going to fucking kill Jason."
"Jason gave you condoms?"
"No, I gave Jason these condoms. I guess he was just returning his gift," he took the box from me and threw them across the room before leaning over to reach in his drawer. After he pulled out a much bigger foil he opened it up and slid it on in one fluid motion. My nerves came back to me all at once only I was more excited than nervous. Still, I wasn't uneducated. I knew this wasn't going to be entirely pleasant.
And Gage must have known as well because right when he settled himself between my legs he asked, "Are you scared?"
I bit my lower lip and decided to be honest. "A little bit."
"I promise I'll try to make it as painless as possible," he kissed my forehead before adjusting himself. My eyes widened when I felt him at my entrance. I wasn't used to it. "I'll make you feel good, baby. Just know that I love you, so fucking much."
"I-I love you, too, Gage," I tried not to get too choked up.
"I still think that you're a fool to want me."
"Then so be it," I smiled.
He smiled back and leaned down to plant soft kisses all over my face, making me laugh until it was replaced with a soft moan as we began.
When looking at Gage Rivers, he was an incredibly intimidating man. Multiple times I've seen this justified. He was deadly with his fists, he was menacing when you harm the things he loves, and he was incredibly strong. But that night when we made love, he treated me as if I was made of glass. He was so tender and so kind I would forget that he was extremely dangerous. It was hard to believe that at all when he asked me every minute if I was okay and whisper sweet nothings in my ear as he moved his hips against mine. Right now, he was a completely different man. But he was my man.
We worked together bringing each other pleasure instead of pain repeatedly. I always imagined what making love with someone would be like, but I never imagined it would be this intense. It wasn't always that way, though. Despite what numerous movies and books portrayed, sex wasn't always filled with heated moments. Sometimes it was lighthearted, like the times when midway through we would laugh because of something the other said or chuckled when an awkward moment occurred (like the times when Gage accidentally slipped out while readjusting our position).
We weren't always so graceful either. We even fell off the bed once and had to pause to pull out the first aid kit. Then later when we decided that sex on damp, cold sheets really wasn't working, we had to make a decision to put them in the dryer. While waiting we couldn't keep our hands off each other, so we found different spots in his apartment to make love on since the bedroom was just too far away for our needs. Not all of the locations were great, and one time when we tested out his kitchen counter my leg cramped up so tightly that we had to pause to try something else. Regardless, every session amazed me and I found myself wanting even more.
Losing my virginity wasn't always hot, steamy, and intense, but it didn't have to be. As long as I was with Gage that was all that mattered.
It was much more than a physical experience I learned, it was incredibly emotional as well. With every thrust, we became one. We were completely vulnerable and bare to each other on a whole different level that reached above intimacy. I wasn't even sure this type of feeling existed before until now. I was so glad that I wasn't this way with Carson because I would never have known it's true power. Not like with Gage.
Our night which was at first so terrible turned into something so amazing I never wanted it to stop. However our bodies were completely spent and we finally fell asleep with the sun was starting to come up, a smile on our faces. but I wouldn't have it any other way. Regardless of what was to come, and regardless of the fact that I might have just signed up for something dangerous, I couldn't regret my decision even for a moment.
Because I was finally home.
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Aweeee YESHHH! Kage is officially canon now!
Okay, so this is going to actually be a very important authors note so bare with me. It might get a little long and preachy so I'll try to refrain from any of that.
You might be wondering why I reuploaded the chapter and after rereading it discovered that I made a change to Katy's character. I did this for two major reasons that might be extremely personal but I'll just go ahead and put it out there anyway because as you should know by now I don't mind being honest about serious topics.
The first reason why I didn't have Katy as a virgin was because I'm lazy. I'll admit it. I didn't want to write an extensive scene where she feels pain from losing her virginity or how intense it was for her. I wanted the chapter published and for them to finally have sex. Selfish, I know. Even when it was published I felt like there was something completely wrong with it. At first I thought it was because the writing was lacking, but what was really going on was the fact that I didn't flush out Katy's character correctly. I could have easily made her a non-virgin because there is no wrong or right thing about that, but for some reason it just made more sense in my head that she was a virgin. I didn't do this at first not just because I was lazy, but for a much more personal reason as well.
To clarify, I had a terrible experience when trying to lose my virginity. It wasn't just because the pain was unbelievable (we didn't even go through with it), but because of the guy I was with was a complete asshole about it. It was such an overwhelming experience that still haunts me today and apparently my writing as well. It didn't help that after my experience with this guy (I ended up not sleeping with him) another guy came around who was great until he found out I was still a virgin and said he didn't want to be with me because of that reason. "But don't worry, I'll sleep with you once someone else has," he assured me before I left. Things like that still mess with me and my conception of sex.
Therefore I avoided Katy's virginity because of my own personal experience with it. It was like second nature for me to write a character who was already experienced because I've been taught that's what was desirable. However I'm learning not to let it leak out into my characters that are not me and have gone through different experiences with actual men and not boys. I'm trying not to make all my characters non-virgins just because I've been programmed to think its undesirable. I'll get there one day.
Sorry this is so personal, I swear I'll stop. I just wanted you all to understand why I made this change and how important it is for me. And also for anyone out there who is like me and is still a virgin at the age of what society thinks is necessary, just know that it's okay. There is nothing wrong with you. I'm just tired of sexual experiences defining us in a positive and/negative light. Sex is sex. I may be a virgin, and I may still be a virgin ten years down the road, but that doesn't define who I am. And it shouldn't for anybody else.
+Chapter Song: Heal by Tom Odell
+Questions: What do you think will happen now? Are they really going to be able to make things work?
+Fun Fact: The shower scene was an added bonus. What I originally had planned was they go to town AFTER she got out of the shower but then I was like, why can't they both go in? Party for two!
If you are liking this so far please consider leaving a vote/comment letting me know!
Sincerely,
Snow