"Don't need to understand. Too lost to lose. Don't fight my tears, 'Cause they feel so good."
- "Secret Door" by Evanescence
Unedited
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I sit cross legged in a pair of fitted black work slacks in the middle of the same cracked street in Ireland with the test subject. I decided to ask her name, finally getting tired of calling her, her. Alanna sighs, blowing the red haired fly away that keeps getting in her eyes, her knees meeting mine and staring right into my eyes.
"Keep going," I coax, nudging worn blue jeans knee to have her tell me more about her abusive father. Every time she does the scenes change to match the time, the date, we watch, like a movie as the ordeals unfold. Over and over again until I'm pulled back into the closest thing to reality here, time slips away from me as well, the hours meeting days stuck inside her head.
"I'm tired and it's night time, come on Cassandra," she says to me, playing with her loop cord necklace.
I have been pushing her, eight am to six pm every day for the past three. I've gotten somewhere, my notes on her are impressive, best I've ever written.
"Fine, but tomorrow," my voice starts to nag, standing slowly, my right knee clicking due to an old injury as Madame Raven.
"I know, downstairs ready to go by eight, you forget that I understand how this works." She stands, wiping away imaginary gravel on her jeans. "One of these days," she starts, walking beside me as we walk back to the inn, "You are going to tell me about yourself."
"You created me, don't you know my backstory?" I question her, pushing open the little gate, my black Keds crunching the grey gravel under my feet.
"You and I both know I don't believe that. I am a test subject that volunteered to go through this trial to get over my fear. Right now we are...." I put my hand over her mouth.
"Shut up," I whisper, the last thing I want is for the rest of the team on the outside to hear what we are saying. Which of course they can.
I motion to her to stay quiet, increasing our walking speed, pulling her inside the inn, uncovering her mouth and slamming the door shut, locking it for good measure as though someone could enter. I go around to the back of the reception desk, grabbing sheets of paper and a pen, writing quickly and shoving it in her face.
'They can hear us.'
Her eyes widen, taking the sheet of paper in her hands and moving to the flat surface writing her own reply.
'Why did you never mention that?'
I roll my eyes, 'You aren't supposed to know anything about us, this is the deepest into your unconscious we could go, we assumed you would never figure it out.'
'That's stupid.'
I roll my eyes yet again, meeting hers in a heated stare mouthing, 'no shit' before crumbling up the paper and throwing it into the trash bin besides the desk.
Lindsey shakes her head, grabbing the second sheet of paper, 'I still want to know about you'
I grab the pen out of her hand, 'I don't see the benefit'
She snatches it out of mine, 'I've known you for at least a week. Come on, clearly you're engaged," she points to the chain around my neck, a few times she's seen me pull it out, turning it over in my hands and thinking about Jonathan, only to comment on it now.
"That's complicated," I say out loud, knowing that if I don't say something they will start to figure out what I'm doing.
'I'm not stupid, love isn't complicated unless you make it,' she writes.
"Well I just want to know how much longer," Alanna smiles, picking up on what I'm trying to do.
"And I'll figure it out and tell you tomorrow," I nod to her, taking the paper and this time shredding it with my hands before throwing it into the trash. "Now bed," I point upstairs to her. Alanna rolls her eyes trudging up the stairs without a second glance behind her.
As soon as I know that she is out of ear shot, I kick the desk with a hard force, closing my eyes tightly and pulling my hair out of the bun it's been stuck in for the last eight hours. I put the hair tie on my wrist and run my fingers through my hair.
"Almost out," I whisper, looking at the calendar sitting behind the desk, saying the wrong year and the wrong month, but something about that comforts me, reminds me that this is wrong, that I am in the wrong place.
July 2010, I can't even remember where I was or what I was doing six years ago.
I sigh, looking around at the room before, walking up the same old wooden staircase to my own bedroom.
'Cassandra,' I hear a scratchy voice say my name, the same voice I have been hearing ever since I got inside Alanna's head.
"Leave me alone," I whisper, moving a little faster down the hallway, knowing I am going to have to pass that room. "You aren't real," I say louder, as if to convince the voice when it's to convince me.
'You know I am,' the voice says again, this time causing me to look up, Scarecrow stands further down the hallway, looking at me. I stop dead in my tracks, he stands as tall as Jonathan, the mask tightly over his face, dark work pants with a matching suit jacket. He looks so real, I allow my eyes to rake up and down the figure before me before responding.
"That's impossible, Jonathan isn't here so you can't be."
'There you go again my sweet beautiful girl,' he says, moving closer to me, I stand my ground, trying to rationalize that this cannot be real. 'I am real. I'm as real as Jonathan makes me.'
I debate between stepping back, knowing that would only cause the creature to keep inching forward. "He was only here a day, no way that you managed to seep in here as well."
'Is that what the problem is?' The burlap sack smiles, I guess it smiles, somehow unlike Jonathan's mask it can pick up the corners of its mouth.
"No," I respond. "Can you honestly get out of here so that I can sleep?"
He smiles again, 'Oh darling,' his scratchy voice continues. 'I'm here because you want me to be. You're the one who has to tell me to leave.'
I narrow my eyes at him, crossing my arms, "No offense Corn Husk, why would I want you here?"
This causes him to laugh, 'You do know, they believe you are speaking to yourself?'
"They can't hear you?" I breathe in deeply, licking my lips, paranoia sets in at the very idea of what they will do to me.
'I'm speaking to you in your mind, you are speaking to me out loud.'
A sharp shooting pain courses through my entire arm, the scene before me changes as I crumble to the floor unable to focus on keeping myself steady with the increase in the pressure. Bright lights shine through the hallway, transforming to where my body is being kept.
"Although we don't mind when you talk to us Doctor Jackson, we would appreciate if you wouldn't talk about your boyfriend to yourself in the late hours," one of Alexander's doctors says to me.
"My mistake," my teeth clench together through the pain. "I'm doing the best I can."
"What exactly do you think you see?" The voice is sterile.
"The door to my room," I growl, annoyed by the question.
"Good, now we would like a report if you see the Scarecrow walking around in that dreamscape."
"Why would he-?"
The doctor cuts me off, "Just alert us if that occurs."
"Where is Jonathan?" I grip onto my arm, applying pressure to it to at least counteract the pain.
"Taking a break."
"That wasn't part of the deal, I wanted him in the room at all times," I scream, the pain in my arm stops in conjunction with the light in the hallway fading. "Assholes."
'Told you,' Scarecrow mocks, crossing his arms over his chest and raising his eyeholes.
I glare, letting go of my arm and breathing heavily.
'Here my love,' he says pushing himself off the wall and taking steps forward, I do nothing but look up at him. The throbbing pain in my arm numbing the words in my head. He grabs my elbow with a firm hand trying to pull me up. I shake my head the pain too much to even consider moving. "Come on baby," he sighs, letting go of my elbow and putting his two hands on either side of my waist hoisting me up so I stumble forward into him.
I pull away, meeting his black eyes, my eyes widening.
'This is how you pictured me with fear toxin. This is how I will stay looking to you. Not so bad if I do say so myself,' he smiles, again only blackness taking over his mouth. 'Now if you want to talk," he nods his head over to the door. 'Go inside there it's something that you and Jonathan created when you came inside here the first time. I'll meet you in there doll face,' he says, the strength of his arms leave my waist as he disappears.
My eyes scan over the door, what do I have to lose exactly?
I walk slowly to the door, giving the back of me a look over my shoulder as though someone would just appear behind me. My heart hammers. All I'm doing is going through a door and talking to Scarecrow. What could be the worst thing that could happen?
I grasp the door handle, pulling it open, looking inside to see only darkness.
"Scarecrow?" I say out loud, sticking my head inside to only see thick darkness.
"You have to step inside Cassandra," I hear Jonathan's voice, my heart quickening in pace.
I take a step right in, moving more towards the darkness, the only light coming from the dim lighting in the hallway. The door swings shut, normally causing someone to jump only it makes me roll my eyes.
The darkness turns to light in an instance, leaving the room to shift to large open grass felid, the sun looking as though it is waiting to set. I spin around the felid, noticing a wood house about a twelve miles away from me, I spin again and notice a church behind me.
"Georgia," my lips part in amazement.
"I thought I could bring you somewhere you've never been," Jonathan's voice says to me, only when I turn Scarecrow is the one standing before me.
"I rather your voice be yours. Not his."
"Whatever you want." He smiles, the voice returning.
"It's taking everything in me not to look in that house." My eyes resting on the old looking home, how many secrets it holds.
"It's empty, I made sure it was. This is all you will see of where Jonathan grew up."
I bite my lip, annoyed that he is one step ahead of me.
"You're the Scarecrow I imagen, you aren't the real Scarecrow," I raise my eyebrows, shifting through my thoughts, "Only Jonathan put a small part of himself in here, clearly I have no idea what kind of place Jonathan grew up in. God, I've been stuck in here for days, I haven't gotten anywhere, it's like I restart the day with her, I don't.... I don't understand...."
"That's why I'm here. There isn't anything wrong with the serum that Jonathan and I created. In fact it worked perfectly when we tried it on Doctor Whild." I start to react, to have Scarecrow put his hand up, "With his consent. It worked. It worked beautifully, So if you're questioning that this company is messing up the experiment on purpose you aren't wrong."
"What am I going to do?" I question, throwing my hands up.
"I don't know do what you do best, mess everything up and look sexy while doing it."
"You and Jonathan are very different aren't you?" I raise an eyebrow.
"Very," he nods, "I'm a sociopath."
I scoff, "I couldn't tell. Scarecrow, I'm toeing a line with this. I can't go in fires blazing at this."
"No you're right," he wipes his face with his hand. "The best bet I can think of, break into the lab at night, take Jonathan's serum and take theirs and then compare. You'll be able to figure it out."
"That's brilliant," I smile, he nods.
"You should get going," his eyes flick over to the door that just appeared.
"Yeah," I lick my lips, nodding slowly. I walk back to the door, looking at Scarecrow the whole time, my fingers brushing the door handle.
"Cara," he says, I turn around, my eyes meeting the black holes, "Please be careful."
I laugh, "Now I know that's me thinking you'd give a shit about me."
"Believe what you want," he shrugs his shoulders.
I turn the handle seeing the hallway I just left stepping through, the door slamming shut on me with a loud bang.
The loud bang keeps going, hammering in my head, I put my hands over my ears stumbling down the hallway to Alanna's room.
"Cassandra," she calls to me, her voice shaking in fear. I try to call back only to have my voice lost in my throat. They are taking us out. I press my eyes shut, putting my back on the wall and sinking to the floor.
"Ten.... Nine... eight...."
I press my head into my knees, trying my hardest not to see the room changing.
My eyes snap open and I buckle on my restraints, my head pounding the bright light from the research lab causing me flinch back.
"Doctor Jackson," I hear one of the others say to me. Only I can't stop breathing heavily.
"Is she having a panic attack?" I hear him ask another doctor.
"What the?," I hear Jonathan.
The pain in my arm from where they inserted the nettle stringing. I try to kick up only forgetting that they strapped my legs down as well.
"Cara," I hear Jonathan's voice.
"Wait until she-" Rose says.
"Oh shut up Rose," Jonathan yells, "Let me see her."
Taking deep breathes to calm myself down and forcing my eyes shut to stop the room from spinning does nothing to steady my heartbeat.
"What did you do to my arm?" I struggle to say with an even voice.
"What? What did you?" Jonathan exclaims.
"Let him up," Alexander says, the door shutting, I turn around to see him coming through and walking past Jonathan to stand in front of me.
Jonathan rushes to my side, "Are you alright?"
I shake my head 'yes' even though I'm not.
"What did they do to your arm?" Jonathan questions, going to look at it, only to have one of the doctors stop him.
"There really isn't a...."
"Shut up," Jonathan growls, rising to full height, he grabs the scissors on the table, coming back, he grabs my wrist roughly.
"Jonathan..." I start to speak, only to have him growl again. He takes the fabric of my expensive white shirt and cuts a nick in it. "Jonathan," I raise my eyebrows as he grabs the end and rips it upwards. My eyes widen as I look down at the massive bruise that encompasses my arm.
"That's nothing?" Jonathan turns to the doctor. "What did you do to Cassandra?"
"Cassandra?" Everyone in the room outstares when Alanna's voice is heard, her eyes wide.
"Alanna."
"She needs to get out of here," one of the other doctors advises.
I'm forced to stand, being pushed backwards by a doctor.
"Wait," Alanna calls, her hand reaching out for me. "Why can't I see her?" Her throat croaking out, tears streaming down her face.
I attempt to take a step forward on my shaking legs that are pushed back by the firm hands of Alexander who is standing right in front of me.
"Leave and don't make me force you." His leveled tone sends chills through my spine, only bringing a hot steaming anger along with it.
"Drag me out you prig," I growl, I place my hands on his firm chest in attempt to push him off.
"Have it your way then," he says grabbing me by the waist and going to take me over his shoulder, I scream a little in shock, looking around the hazy room for Jonathan.
"Let her go," I hear Jonathan's voice.
Only I don't see him, the room goes hazier and hazier, as if a thick film has taken over my eyes. My breath decreases with each step Alexander takes further away from Alanna.
When I regain conscious I'm sitting up against a wall in Jonathan's lab. Jonathan is sitting down with his hands in his hands, sighing loudly as Doctor Whild rambles. Rose stands with her hands resting on the table, leaning over, her glasses on the table, eyes closed.
"Something has to be wrong here," Doctor Whild says, spinning on his heels looking at the two doctors with a perplexed excited expression.
"They aren't using whatever ya'll perfected in here," I utter a sound from my mouth, causing the three of them to snap their heads to where I was propped up.
"Are you-," Words start to tumble from Rose as quickly puts her glasses back on, standing upright as she pulls at the hem of her grey work jacket.
"Don't ask me that," I respond through a sandpaper throat.
"How do you know?" Doctor Whild's expression stays the same as it was.
"Let's just say a little bit of Jonathan was in Alanna mind. Enough that I was able to talk to him and figure everything out. Alexander and his team must have taken the serum you all perfected and did alterations on it. This is going to fail and they want to keep running it until we lose funding and the program has to be shut down."
"What happens then?" Whild's eyebrows knit, his eyes moving around to come to his own conclusion first.
"I go to jail and so does my whole team for making a weapon," Jonathan speaks up, dropping his head again.
"Exactly," I nod.
"So what do we do?" The same tone of wonder is laced into Whilds voice.
Rose rolls her eyes, "Clearly we have to switch out the serum with ours without them looking. Find files that state they were screwing us over."
"Bullshit that's impossible," Whild exclaims.
"Not for Cassandra," Jonathan mumbles.
"What?" Whild whips his head around to stare at me.
"He's not wrong. However, things are going to be complicated now that I threw a slight fit."
"No," Rose shakes her head. "Alexander blamed it on himself. Said it had to do with how long he kept you under. Not your fault at all."
"That's convent." I mutter.
We stay in silence for only a moment as a rapping on the door commences. I pick my head up to see Alexander standing in front of the window.
"What does he want?" Whild growls, stepping protectively to my side along with Rose. Jonathan stays in his bent down position.
"I'll handle it," I assure them, pushing myself off the table and walking over with shaking legs to the door. I lean on it until it opens, shutting it with a soft click before turning to face Alexander.
"Ah Doctor Jackson, how did you know you were just the woman I wanted to talk to."
"I would have come and seen you sooner if I hadn't just woken up," I flash a tight lipped smile.
"I do apologies for that, it's just you were hysterical and I didn't want any harm to come to you," he places his hand over his heart.
"And I'm sorry for causing the experiment such stress." I state with fake sincerity.
"Not at all, not at all. I think we did the most damage to Jonathan." He says, gesturing to the door where Jonathan sits inside not moving.
"He'll be okay as soon as I get him out of here for a few days. As you remember we..."
"Yes," Alexander exclaims, "you wanted the days off for your trip to see your family. Of course of course you can have that."
"Thank you for understanding."
"Yes, yes," he swipes his hand. "Have a wonderful trip Cassandra."
"Thank you," I nod my head and turn back to the door, opening it and shutting it in a huff. His footsteps soften.
Rose and Whild look up at me.
"You both have the next couple of days off, collect your things and I will meet with you both when I return."
They nod without protest, moving quickly around the room to collect their things and sneaking behind me to get out the door.
Now all who remain are Jonathan and I, me standing in the same spot with my arms folded at my chest, Jonathan with his head in his hands.
"Jonathan, get your stuff I would like to go back to the apartment to pack."
This causes him to move his head away from his hands, looking up at me with tears in his eyes.
"No," I demand, pointing my finger at him in anger. "You don't get to cry. You don't get to feel guilty. This was me and me alone. Now get up and let's go."
"How?" He asks, shaking his head.
"I don't want to do this here," I affirm, looking up to the lights hanging overhead.
"One of these days, you'll drop the act Cassandra," he gruffly responds, grabbing his coat off the back of the chair and bristly walking past me, hitting my shoulder as he does, slamming the door shut to the laboratory.
I'm left standing alone in the room, the only sound being the ticking clock and my own breathing coming out labored due to the tears that are on the verge of leaking.
I stare ahead at the steal cold room door, seeing my own wavering expression mirroring me. She looks tired, worn out, skinny and I dare say broken down. No way that is how I appear always? I try to look and appear together at all times... I... I have to.
Authors Note:
Hey so Jonathan and Cassandra are moving out of this city for a bit blah blah. I'm not promising a update soon that would be a lie.
Hope everything is well with those who are still reading.
Thanks for sticking around.
The Gif above is Alanna