December 1st
I keep staring at that picture of you on my wall. I hope that if I stare at it enough, I'll never forget it.
December 3rd
I didn't sleep last night. I stayed up the whole night, filling my black notebook with your name. Yoongi told me that the most beautiful word in all languages is 'mother.' But that's not true; the most beautiful word is 'Jungkook.'
December 7th
I had a dream today. I was leaning over and trying to catch this butterfly. It was so beautiful, it reminded me of you. That just like you, this butterfly is so close, and no matter how hard I'll try to catch it, it'll always be so far away.
December 9th
It keeps snowing and snowing. I want to catch snowflakes on my tongue, but I'm afraid of getting lost outside somewhere. I can't die like that, Jungkook. I can't die without hearing your beautiful voice for one last time.
December 16th
Up until I'd met you, I thought blue was a sad colour, a sorrowful colour. But when you painted my empty canvas, I understood that there's no such thing as sad colours; just sad souls. You painted me blue, you painted me happy, and you made this blue into a happy colour. But now that you're gone, blue is a sad colour. I feel sad, Jungkook and I need you to paint me happy.
December 18th
Hospitals use the emergency term'code blue' for when a patient requires immediate attention due to complications of their heart. The day I had met you, the hospital issued a code blue and I was the on-call surgeon to tend to the patient. But now I imagine that my heart was screaming that code too because of you - that you made this heart weak, that you made this heart blue.
December 19th
Flowers started blooming in my chest from the moment I fell for you. And I think by the time I'm gone, these blue flowers would have fully grown. So when death is upon me, you can reach into my chest and pluck a forgot me not.
December 21st
You're pink. You're the sweet kiss of cherry blossoms and gentle touch of warmth, the colour between orange and red, the colour between happiness. And I'm afraid that this blue has darkened your chances of ever feeling happy. We're on opposite sides of the spectrum and I don't think blue and pink are ever supposed to be together. I'm sorry I'm blue, I'm sorry I'm sad.
December 23rd
I forgot Yoongi's name today.
December 25th
I forgot how to spell 'cardiothoracic' today, even though that was the word that I used to see everyday as I would clip my name tag to my lab coat.
December 31st
I think I should have never been born. Because from the moment I had entered this world, I was destined to meet you. And lose you.
________
I don't want to use question marks because I won't get my answers anyway. But why did fate take me away from my colours, from you.
________
Why am I living.
________
I want to die.
________
I want to live.
I flipped to the second last page, and I wished I hadn't.