After finding my room…occupied, I hang out in one of the common areas of my dorm building, talking on the phone to Charlie about Atlanta. I nearly fall asleep.
“Baby,” he says, after noticing my long pauses and yawns, “It’s been thirty minutes. Why don’t you go back and see if she’s… done.”
“Hmm? Okay,” I say, pushing myself off of the uncomfortable, study room chair and walking back towards my room.
“It’s gone. Thank goodness.”
Charlie laughs, “Go to sleep then. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you.”
“I love you. Thank you for staying on the phone with me.”
“Of course, baby.”
He tells me he loves me one more time and we end the call. I open my door carefully and enter the dark room. Andy is already asleep. I use my phone as a light and take off my dress. Then, I grab an oversized t-shirt and crawl in to bed.
I can finally sleep.
Unfortunately, my peaceful slumber doesn’t last as long as I’d like. I wake up to my alarm with a massive headache, and I have to get ready for work. I crawl out of bed, squinting at the sunlight shinning through my curtains.
“Hey,” I hear Andy’s voice and look towards her bed.
She is lying with her head turned towards me, smiling apologetically, “Did you make it home okay? I’m really sorry. I had too much to drink and got distracted.”
I laugh a little, but it hurts and I grab my head as I walk to my closet, “It’s okay. I liked your sign on the door. Thanks for the warning. I would have gotten to know you really fast, had I walked in.”
Andy laughs, “You are way cooler than my last roommate. You really aren’t mad? And I’m glad you liked my sign – if you ever want to join the fun though, just ignore it and come on in.”
“I’m not mad at all. Thanks for letting me tag along in the first place. And okay, maybe next time,” I say sarcastically, not doubting that she would be welcoming if I ever did take her up on her offer. I wouldn’t.
I get ready for work, wearing a simple, off white sweater and jeans. I pull my auburn curls up into a ponytail and apply a generous amount of makeup in an attempt to mask my sleepy eyes.
Before I leave, I put on my necklace from Charlie. I missed wearing it last night.
As I whisper goodbye to Andy (she seems to have fallen back asleep), and leave quietly through door, my phone buzzes in my hand. It’s a text.
Good morning, baby. I’m on my way home now. I didn’t want to wake you, so I waited until I knew you’d be leaving for work. I can’t wait to see you. I love you.
At Lighthouse, Allie is still in a particularly good mood about her engagement. I am able to more wholeheartedly appreciate her enthusiasm, now that I know things are back to normal with Charlie.
Mr. Miller is out for the day – helping his wife shop for their baby grandchild’s first birthday. The café isn’t very busy now. Apparently Allie was swamped before my shift started, but she managed fine. She’s been working at the café much longer than I have, so handling things on her own isn’t a big deal for her.
“Jimmy?” She suddenly calls towards the kitchen, “Now that Stella’s here and we aren’t busy, will you teach me how to make that soup?”
I agree to watch the front while Allie disappears into the kitchen with Jimmy. In the time that I’m alone, I become anxious about where he is, and when he’ll be home. I decide to go ahead and ask him how long he’ll be, and to make sure that he hasn’t run into trouble on the road. Just as I’m sending the text, the bell rings on the front door.
“Hi, how are you today?” I ask cheerfully to whoever has entered, still looking down at my phone. It’s exactly ten o’clock.
“I’m better now.”
I look up at him, and my entire world shifts an inch, back into its proper place.
I stand from my stool and walk quickly around the counter, forgetting that I’m even at work.
He is smiling at me, wearing a black shirt and a large, denim jacket. His hair is messy and he looks tired, but content.
When I’m close enough, he reaches out and grabs me, pulling me into his chest and wrapping his arms tightly around my back. His chin rests on the top of my head as I bury my face into his strong chest.
I’m never leaving home again, I think to myself, and then my thoughts quiet.
He finally lays a kiss on my head, and I force myself to break away.
He holds onto my arms still, and bows his head, nearly touching his forehead to mine, but keeping far enough away so that he can study my face.
His eyes look so gorgeous – a brighter blue than usual, but still deep.
We haven’t even spoken yet, but I don’t feel any silence.
I reach my hand to his face, running my fingertips over faint darkness under his eyes.
“You look sleepy,” I say in a hushed voice.
“I’m tired, baby,” his voice is just as low, “I couldn’t sleep.”
“I haven’t slept well either,” I agree.
“We’ll be together tonight.”
I can’t tell if he’s asking, or telling. “Yes,” is all that I say.
“Hey, Stella you have to try this sou– Oh.”
Charlie and I both look towards Allie at the same time. She’s just rushed out of the kitchen and is clearly stunned, but she immediately smiles at me.
“Sorry,” she says, “The soup is almost done. Jimmy is a good teacher. You just have to try it!”
She disappears back into the kitchen then, and I think I hear her giggle a bit.
I take a deep breath and turn back to Charlie. “You didn’t cut your trip short for me, did you?”
“Two days was enough for me. But yes, I came home a day early because I wanted to see you. You don’t have to feel bad,”
“Good, because it would be hard to feel bad. I’m too happy that you’re back.”
I want to kiss him. Since we haven’t in days though, what I would mean to be a very simple kiss would likely turn into something else after just the lightest touch of our lips. And I’m at work, unfortunately.
I reach up and pull at the collar of his jacket.
“Did you want to eat while you’re here?” I ask, wishing that I could sit with him, or just go home with him now.
“No. I just wanted to see you. I’m going to go home and nap until I can see you again,” he smiles, “When can you come over?”
“I have classes this afternoon. Should I just text you when I’m on my way over?”
“I’ll pick you up,” He says.
“You don’t have to. But if you want to, I won’t protest,” I smile up at him. I’ve even missed riding in his car.
“I want to,” his eyes are soft in his smile.
“I’ll just text you later then. I love you. Have a good nap.”
“I will, baby. Text me as soon as you can. I love you.”
Charlie kisses my forehead before he leaves the café.
As soon as she hears the bell on the door, Allie comes rushing out of the kitchen.
“Unprofessional!” she jokes, and I laugh, walking back to the counter.
“I guess he didn’t come here for breakfast?”
“No,” I say, still laughing a bit, “He just got in from Atlanta this morning. He just came by to visit.”
“My boyfriend – fiancé – is coming in town on Thursday to spend the weekend with me. We should go on a double date!”
I agree with Allie. I’ve never met her fiancé, but he sounds sweet. I can’t imagine her dating anyone difficult or unfriendly.
The rest of my day goes by slowly because I just want to see Charlie again. I call him immediately after my classes, and rush back to my room to pack.
“Hey!” Andy is perched on her bed when I enter our room. She has books scattered in front of her, but she seems to be texting, mostly.
“Hi,” I smile happily. She is fine company, but I’m not sad to leave this tiny room, twin sized bed, and community showers for Charlie’s nice little house again. “My friend is back from Atlanta. I stay with him a lot, so I’ll be gone tonight. No need for your hotel sign,” I smile in her direction.
“If you want to borrow it –“ she smiles back.
“Not necessary. He has his own house.”
I’m almost finished packing when my phone rings.
“Are you already here?” I ask into the phone.
“I am. Let me carry your bags down?”
“Okay. I’m still packing a few things but you can come on up.”
Andy squeals in the background and I look to her and smile.
“I’ll see you in a second,” Charlie says through the phone.
“Do I get to meet him?” Andy asks as I end the call.
“You do,” I grin, while shoving a notebook into my bag, trying my best to hurry.
A minute later, there is a knock on our door, and I practically lunge to answer it.
Charlie only looks at me as he steps in, mouthing hello and biting his lip.
If Andy weren’t here…
“This is Andy,” I say, gesturing towards her, “She moved in on Sunday.”
“Hi,” Charlie smiles, “It’s nice to meet you, Andy. I’m Charlie.”
I finally look in her direction and she looks as though she’s been slapped in the face.
“Hi, Charlie,” she pulls her most brilliant smile, “I hear you were in my hometown this weekend. Did you have a good time?”
“I did,” he says, as I finish packing the last few things into my bag, “I had to work most of the time, but it was alright.”
“Oh yeah, Stella told me you were a boxer. We were talking about how hot it is…”
Andy leans back on her bed and taps her pen against her lip as she speaks. She’s being very… friendly with Charlie, but I don’t mind. I’m actually happy at the moment because, even though it was her who used the word “hot” first to describe Charlie’s career, maybe he will feel good thinking that I’ve said it.
“…So, if you two are going to any fights locally, I’d be happy to tag along and join the boxer-groupie crowd.”
“Um –“ Charlie tries not to laugh.
“Are you implying that I’m a groupie?” I act offended, and Andy just giggles, “Are you ready to go?” I ask Charlie.
He nods and picks up my bag.
“It was nice to meet you,” He tells Andy, as he goes to open the door for us.
“I’ll see you later,” I say to her, “You saved my number, right? You can call if you need anything.”
She nods and says goodbye, waving enthusiastically.
As soon as Charlie and I make it to the stairs, my phone lights up with a text.
Damn girl. He is the hottest piece I’ve ever seen.
I smile and laugh to myself.
“Who is that?” Charlie asks.
“Andy,”
“She’s texting you already?” He frowns, like he doesn’t believe me.
“She is.”
I hold my phone up to him, allowing him to read the text as we walk downstairs and outside, towards his car.
“Oh,” he smiles, looking a bit embarrassed.
“Don’t take the objectification personally. I am a groupie, after all.”
He laughs and puts his arm around me as we walk, pulling me close enough to kiss my forehead.
Charlie lies between my legs in his bed. His head rests on my stomach and my fingers stroke through his soft hair.
The quiet of the room is peaceful. The sun is setting now, shining in its most brilliant hues of gold through the bedroom windows – the day’s finale. Charlie keeps arms wrapped around me, kissing the bare skin of my stomach every now and then. For a moment, I think he’s fallen asleep.
“Charlie?” I whisper, moving my hand from his head to rub down back, between his shoulders.
“Hmm?” his smooth cheek still rests against my middle.
“I thought you were asleep.”
“No,” he moves his head and opens his blue eyes so he can look at me, resting his chin against me, “I just like it when you play with my hair. It’s relaxing.”
My phone starts to ring from the bedside table.
“I’ve got it,” Charlie groans, lifting off of me and reaching across the bed.
As he retrieves the phone, something slips off of the nightstand from under it and makes a clink sound against the hardwood floor.
The key.
I had put my phone down so quickly when we came into the bedroom – I wasn’t even looking down when I placed it on the table, right over the key that I assumed Charlie would had moved.
He must’ve realized it, too, because he frowns towards in direction of the noise as he hands me my phone.
“Hello?” I answer, having already seen Dr. Keller’s name on my screen.
“Stella, this is Liz. I was wondering if you might want to work tomorrow afternoon. This is a busy week for Lydia, and she’s just trying to get as many hours with her kids as possible. I don’t mean to keep springing more hours on you – you can always say no.”
“Tomorrow should be fine,” I say, cringing a bit inside because I’m already so tired, “Will four to seven be alright again? I have classes in the afternoon,” and I have a million other things to do for school, but I don’t want to disappoint her.
“That’s perfect. Lydia will be pleased. Have a nice night, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Charlie head is on me again, and the quiet is tainted by the unavoidable fact that his spare key lies on the floor, and when either of us picks it up, we will be pulled backwards into the night that I left it here, and left him.
He doesn’t let the silence stale.
“You could have stayed here while I was gone, you know, if you hadn’t have given the key back. I wanted to tell you that last night, when your roommate left a sign on your door, but I didn’t want to make you feel bad.”
I laugh a little, “I’m sure I couldn’t have felt any worse.”
“Next time,” he says, “If you can’t go with me next time I travel, that is, you can stay here.”
So, the future of the key is decided. I will pick it up and put it into my bag, and keep it so that I’m always able to come home – here – but Charlie is not quite as resolved.
“It scared me, when you left so fast. You didn’t even seem upset.”
“I was upset, though. I wouldn’t have left if I weren’t. I know I must’ve scared you. I just shut everything out, because I was scared, too. I don’t know why,” I pause, burying my fingers in his hair again. It calms him, and it calms me, too. “You know how you said that you love how much I care, but you’re just not used to it?”
Charlie nods, his cheek still against the bare skin of my stomach.
“I love being around you,” I say, “But I’m not used to always having someone around, even when I’m upset. Does that make sense? I never used to let myself get emotional until I was alone. It’s easy for me to feel safe around you, but I’m still getting used to it, regardless. I froze that night and I just needed to be alone – to think alone, because I was nervous. But it was so much scarier when I realized that I’d left you – that I had hurt you. I’m sorry.”
“I think that makes sense,” he frowns a bit, “You always say that you don’t want to be treated like something breakable, though. The one time that I’m less than careful with you, you just leave and won’t even let me apologize.”
“I guess I didn’t help my own case much,” I say, “I wish, honestly, that I would have stayed. I’m still mad at myself for leaving.”
“It wasn’t nice,” he says, and I’m thankful that his head lies on me, turned so that he can’t see my face, because I smile at his word choice and poutiness, “I was really upset. Then, I started to feel angry with you. And then, when I went for a run Saturday morning, I decided that I should try to stay away from you. You would be better off with someone who could give you a more solid future.”
To hear him imply his own self-doubt, it hurts as much as it did last night on the phone, because it sounds as though he still believes it.
“That’s not true at all,” I whisper, but he continues.
“It was easy to pretend that I could stay away for a few days, since the trainer in Atlanta had ironically called that morning. It’s a lost cause though, I love you and I’m selfish. The very best thing that I can do is try to be better for you.”
“Charlie, your only problem is that you don’t see yourself clearly. Didn’t you hear anything that I said on the phone with you last night?”
“I did,” I feel him smile a bit against my skin, but then the feeling disappears, “But still, when you left, I was so sure that you didn’t love me.”
I pause, wishing that he could hear my thoughts and believe me that he is everything I want and need.
“That’s such a problem with people, you know. We hear someone say that they love us – but yet we wait for them to slip up, or say something else in a heated moment, and we choose to believe that instead – I don’t know why.”
Charlie finally looks up at me again, and I move my fingers from his hair to his lips.
“I love you,” I tell him, “If you only ever believe in one thing I say, let that be it.”
After we make dinner and eat together, I have to force myself to begin studying for physics. Rather than have a final exam, my professor has decided to just end the class with a normal, sub sequential exam. I am thankful, of course, but very stressed, seeing as the exam is tomorrow and there are still so many things that I don’t understand.
Charlie sits beside me on the couch. Even though he is pretending to watch television, I notice his attempts to glance at my notebook. Maybe he wants to help me, and I most definitely need his help, but I’m afraid to ask. He may think that I’m trapping him into discussing his future again, with his best subject. I just hope that he asks soon and –
“What are you working on?”
Thank you.
“I have my last physics exam tomorrow. I’m confused.”
“Let me see,” he says softly. We sit close already, but he scoots as near to me as possible, while he slowly pulls my book and notes onto his lap. I lean into his shoulder as he begins to look over my lessons.
“Watching the news?” I note, glancing at the television, “You’re so old,” I joke. He laughs quietly, but his eyes never leave my book.
He is the smartest person I know. He lives completely on his own, having saved enough money to buy his own home. He doesn’t rely on anyone. He can take care of another man’s family, and me. He understands people, and how to make them feel better. He understands physics, and that in itself is an achievement. He is creative and intelligent, but wise enough to be simple, too. And it isn’t meaningless to me that he is a good fighter, either. He is careful and strategic, but his mind is quick. He feels and observes what is going on around him, and he notices everything.
I think his own genius must be the only thing that he doesn’t notice.
“Okay,” he says finally, “Tell me what you’re having trouble with.”
I tell him my major difficulties and he explains them all perfectly. In less than half an hour, I understand more than I would have in five hours, had I been studying by myself.
We don’t stop yet though. Charlie helps me with more examples, goes through my homework with me, draws pictures to elaborate, and even rewrites simpler formulas for me so that I can check myself on the exam. It is getting late now, and I nearly fall asleep on his shoulder as he continues to teach me.
He has my pen tucked behind his ear, and he suddenly reaches for it, causing me to jump a bit.
“So, if you get confused on your test, just make sure that you haven’t accidentally canceled here – Am I boring you?” He turns his head so that he can look down at me with a disapproving smirk.
“Not at all,” I say, lifting my head from his shoulder, “My brain is just tired.”
“Do you think you understand now? We can go to sleep, if you’d like.”
I yawn, “Okay. Are you tired?”
“I took a long nap today,” he says, “But I’ll go to sleep with you.”
“I think I should sleep,” I say. I still won’t be getting a full night’s sleep tonight, since it’s so late and I have class at eight. “Thank you so much, for helping me. I wouldn’t understand any of this half as well as I do, if it weren’t for you.”
“Anytime, baby,” He kisses my forehead and closes the book.
When we are finally in bed, I feel Charlie’s arms wrapped more tightly around me than they usually are before we sleep. I decide quickly that I prefer the feeling to anything in the world.
To be certain that the feeling isn’t temporary, I say what’s been on my mind since our conversation earlier.
“Charlie? Please don’t stay away from me for my own good ever again. I know I’ve already told you, but you’re wrong for thinking that you aren’t right for me. The fact that you consider what is best for me makes you what’s best.”
He takes a deep breath. He isn’t as tired as I am right now – he could easily just brush me off, telling me to go to sleep, and not to worry. But nevertheless, he takes my plea seriously and finally gives me more of an explanation.
“I – I heard that boy from your philosophy class say that you two would both be doctors one day, in the café. It was just after the first night that we’d spent together. He was the one who took you home, too, wasn’t he?”
I nod somberly and he continues, “It plays in my head a lot. It reminds me that I’m not practical.”
“That was a very simple statement that he made, Charlie. We are only freshman. To leave me – hoping that I will end up with an eighteen or nineteen year old boy who may or may not grow up to be a doctor, and whom I have an absolutely platonic relationship with would be… rude,” I giggle quietly and bite my lip.
“Rude?” He asks, raising his eyebrows as he stares down at me.
“Yes, rude. It would be rude because you know how much I love you.”
I was getting sleepier by the second, and it was making me feel even more honest than usual, completely unabridged, “You should know by now that I’m not practical either. I’m not interested in being with someone for any other reason than because I want to be. I want to work, and have my own future. I don’t want someone who is going to try to possess me – and I take that to an extreme. I never even imagined wanting a relationship after Jason, and before I met you. I don’t think the change in me would apply for anyone else. I only want you.”
He is quiet. I lie, still on his chest, with his chin touching the very top of my head, I feel his jaw move and I know that he is smiling. He brings his hand from my back to my head and gently runs his fingers through my hair for a while before he speaks, “I love you, Stella, so much. I just worry about the future a lot.”
Between the smoothness of his hand running through my hair, and the feeling of my face on his warm chest as slowly rises and falls, I am being lulled to sleep, but I manage to speak, “What is the future, anyway? Today was once the future, it isn’t so scary; tomorrow is the future. I don’t know everything that I’m doing with my tomorrow, but I do know that I’m not worried, and I know that I want to spend as much of it as I can with you.”
I like sleepy conversations, it’s like my mind is right at my mouth and I can say what I really mean.
Charlie stops playing with my hair and wraps both of his arms around me, intertwining his own fingers at my waist and kisses my forehead. I was falling asleep, but I was glad when he spoke that I hadn’t drifted yet,
“My tomorrow is yours, Stella, and it always will be.”
It was so soft, and it was everything.