Chapter 9
(Isaac's Shower---->)
*WARNING...a little self loving going on..you have been warned.*
Hanging up the phone I sat back with a troubled sigh. I had handed over the audio feed from the night Isaac had called me into his room where he had finally opened up and shared the gruesome memories of his time spent captivity with his psychotic Stepfather. My heart still ached for the little boy that had to turn into a man while enduring all of what he had. My respect and admiration for his strength and his will to survive under those circumstances knew no bounds. But unfortunately, Isaac was by right deeply affected by those same circumstances, although not as severely as he should have been. That was the testimony to his strength. They didn’t break him.
Some people differed with my assessments, and yes, even some of my very own Colleagues in my own practice were amongst those that disagreed with me. They claimed that because Isaac had suffered a major Dissociative Episode and ultimately murdered his Stepfather was in itself a severe psychological break. But I didn’t see that way and would never diagnose it that way either.
People tend to forget that as Homosapiens we are relative to our baser instincts. We are animals as well, and sometimes we digress into those lesser instincts to do what is necessary to survive. We as a species were on top of the food chain because of our highly evolved ability to reason and think. But underneath it all where our natural born instincts and preservation of self lies the is our beast, that animal buried deep within our psyche that will come out and take over to protect ourselves by any means necessary and that is what Isaac did.
He protected himself after years of abuse. The fact that he can’t remember any of it is what concerned me the most. He had snapped and did what he had to do and once the stress and fear wore off he came back to himself. He didn’t dwell within the recesses of his mind.
My trouble with it was that there had to be catalyst. Something had to have happened in that rank basement, something other than what was considered the routine actions of abuse that Isaac had grown accustomed to. An event that scared him so much that he feared for his very life and acted out by defending himself by any means necessary, and the fact that he was free to do after years of being bound was another piece to the puzzle. There had to be a trigger and currently whatever it was, it’s buried deep in Isaac’s mind. He has totally suppressed the traumatic event.
I closed the transcript file on my computer of the recordings of Isaac retelling of his story. I felt bad that I didn’t tell him I was recording our conversation, but when he had begun to tell his tale I had gotten up and discreetly pressed the button behind his desk to activate the recording device that is wired into all the patients room just for that purpose. The legal clause of video and sound surveillance was very clear and actually pointed out in the admission procedures and paperwork. But I still should have told him what I was doing. And now I think the time is right to tell him about it and about his new Lawyer and what I was hoping to accomplish.
I wasn’t going to share the Investigators findings just as yet, not until we have all the facts in place. So far it was gearing up to be that Isaac’s Stepfather had really targeted him to begin with, and marrying his Mother was only a means for the man to get closer to him. I also have come to the conclusion that his Stepfather did indeed murder the poor woman and abused Isaac with his sick perversions and twisted ideas of Sadism. The man was truly a monster.
I turned off the computer and checked to make sure that everything was in its place before grabbing my things and locking my office door. This was going to be my third attempt in trying to go home to my own house after my chat with Isaac. It’s about time I did so. I didn’t feel like going home but what was I to do. I was literally coddling Isaac and torturing myself in the process, making myself dependant on the every sight of him every day. I was wondering if I was becoming obsessed with the man.
Stepping off the elevator onto the third floor, I made my way down the hall to the Nurses’ Desk and stashed my overnight bag under the desk before continuing on down the hall to Isaac’s room. I waved at one of my other patient’s as an Orderly escorted her from the common room towards the elevator. I was about to step into Isaac’s room when I heard Isaac asking someone a question that had my jaw drop in absolute surprise. Then I heard Brad’s deep voice answer the question and I quickly turned and made my way back up the hall. No way was I going to be able to face Isaac right this minute after what I just heard.
I nearly knocked Flora over when I scrambled around the corner of the desk to grab my bag. She had raised her eyebrows at me and I just mumbled that I was going home and that if was a must that they needed me no matter what I am to be called. Otherwise have the on call Doctor handle any other routine situations. And with my mind spinning and my heart pounding, I practically ran out of there and away from the confusing man that was Isaac Carmichael.
******
Disappointment was not the word you could have used to describe what I was feeling when Flora had bustled in with my dinner and told me that Royce had gone home for the evening. He hadn’t even stopped by to say goodbye and I felt a little hurt by that.
The man has gone out of his way to make me feel safe and confident enough to open up and finally get my feelings out there and off of my chest. He has been nothing but kind and patient, but he couldn’t find it in him to tell me he was going home. I understood that he had to go home. I have monopolized way too much of time already with my neediness, and as much as I hate that he is not here, I wouldn’t have tried to hold him back from his own home. Maybe he had a date or his someone special was demanding his return, I thought dejectedly.
I tried to shake off those thoughts as I slowly made my through my dinner and drank my iced tea. Instead I thought about what Brad and I had talked about. Ever since that fateful night I told Royce about my life with HIM and that hug we shared afterwards. Oh my God, the feeling of him in my arms and the feeling of his slender body pressed against mine was beyond anything I have ever experienced.
With all of my conflicted feelings spurring me on I had worked up the nerve to approach Brad and I asked him for minute of his time. It was embarrassing to bring it up at first but he was such an easy going person, that when he figured out the topic I was fumbling over he quickly put my mind at ease by telling me that it was okay to have questions and it was normal what I was feeling. He tagged the term as desire that stems from being attracted to a person.
I finished my dinner and placed the empty dishes back onto the tray for them to pick up. My mind wandered back to the way Royce’s body had fit so perfectly against mine for those few heavenly sends that he was in my arms. The feel of his hair as it brushed my chin, and his own unique citrus and sunshine scent his skin carried. I could so remember the look of total reverence on his face when he had pulled back and looked me directly in the face and I felt that tingling feeling shimmer through my body once again.
My pants tightened against me as my privates filled out and I recalled what Brad said. I was hard; my body was telling me that it wanted Royce, letting me know that it wanted him in a sexual manner. I had explained to Brad that I never took any pleasure what so ever in what those men had done to me, and that I never knew what it felt like to have sexual release that they were so fond of. That completion that caused them to release their fluids into the condoms or all over me when they were done using me; I also had shared with him the fact that I don’t think that I would ever be comfortable again letting someone penetrate my body, the paralyzing fear still gripped me when just thinking about it.
He had advised me that my reactions were perfectly normal and that he understood. He went on to say that I needed to know my body and my needs before I would feel comfortable letting anyone else that close to me again. He further explained that in my situation I was denied the experience of getting to know myself and what felt good to me. The basic knowledge and opportunity of knowing my body and my pleasure points; it was something else that HE had stolen from me, a boy’s natural normal urge to learn and feel comfortable in his own skin. The right to jack off or the correct term was to masturbate. He said that I should try it and get to know what it felt like and that it was normal and not something degrading or dirty.
Brad had counseled me that I should take some private time and take my feelings for Royce and use those images in my head to help me to do it. And the more I thought about it was the more tempted I was to do it. He had explained the mechanics about how to do about doing the deed to me and I found my curiosity taking a hold of me.
An Orderly knocked on the door and promptly dragged me out of my thoughts. A second later he came in and he smiled and removed my tray wishing me a goodnight before he closed the door. It was now or never, no one else was going to be coming into my room unless and I called, and it was an hour away from lights out.
I got up and made my way over to the dresser. I opened the top drawer and picked out a clean pair of underwear and pajamas. I grabbed a fresh towel and I made my way to the bathroom. Laying the clean clothes on the counter top I turned and hung the towel on the hook by the shower stall and proceeded to get undressed. Once I was naked I turned to face the mirror over the faucet and I studied my body.
My eyes traveled from my face to my torso. I had used weight lifting and exercise to keep me occupied in jail and the demons of my memories at bay. I had channeled all that negativity into sculpting my body into what it was, and I must say that I looked strong and fit. I didn’t look like someone’s emaciated victim anymore and I was proud of that and I was going to continue my workout routine. I blocked out the multitude of scars and healed over broken bones and what they represented. I finally let my eyes drop to my penis.
I studied the half erect organ that protruded from a thatch of thick curly black hair. My fingers twitched at my side and I brought my hand around and I ran a fingertip over the length of my shaft and it felt nice, and it twitched in appreciation of being caressed and not painfully yanked on for once. I opened my hand just to wrap my fingers around the shaft and I gave it a gently pull from the root to the tip and I watched amazed as the bulbous head turned red and the shaft swell with delicious heat as my blood pumped into it and filled it out and a tiny gasp escaped my lips. It felt amazing. I let go of myself after another delicious pull and I turned to the shower stall and turned on the water. Brad had said that it was the best place to make myself come. He cautioned that it was better to use lubricant or soap or even spit to prevent irritation of the sensitive skin down there.
Once the water was running and heated up, I climbed under the spray and let the hot water cascade over my body. I plunged my head under the deluge of water effectively wetting my hair and I reached for the body wash. Royce had gotten me some in with a really clean smelling scent that I found very pleasing. I flashed my wet hair out of my eyes with a toss of my head and I washed my entire body from head to toe. I turned my back to the water and with my soapy hand I grabbed my semi soft penis and curled my fingers into fist caressed it from root to tip.
I watched as it got hard, the veins stood out and it was almost an angry reddish purple. I continued to work my hand up and down and I felt like fire was sprouting all over my body. My heart beat faster and my breathing got choppier. It felt so damn good. My ass clenched and my toes curled as I continued to stroke myself. I closed my eyes and imagined that it was Royce’s soft hands pumping my rock hard length.
That it was his touch exploring the prominent veins and sliding my slippery skin up and down over velvet encased steel rod of my most private place. I tilted my head back and groaned at the image as I brought my other hand forward to palm my two quivering balls in my hand. I closed my fingers over them and rolled them as I continued to stroke up and down my shaft, as the tip was dripping pre-ejaculate like a faucet imaging that my hands were Royce’s delicate ones. That he was kneeling in front of me with my cock in his beautiful face as he jerked me off.
He would squeeze me a little tighter and roll his wrist on the upstroke causing my balls to draw up even tighter to my body and he played with the sack between my legs. I panted and I felt like electricity was shooting all over the surface of my skin and my blood heated in my veins and it rushed through my body like molten lava. All that energy pooled into my throbbing dick as it got hotter and hotter.
My eyes snapped open and I released a groan from the bottom of my gut as my cock pulsed and vibrated in my grip. My body began to tremble and my breath left me as I felt like I was climbing to some unknown point in the heavens, all the while every inch of my body felt like it was burning. Then I hit a point where everything came to a heart pumping, body jerking, and teeth clenching halt, and then it happened.
It felt like every molecule in my body was hurled into space. I couldn’t remember how to breathe as my cock jumped in my hand and I felt like it exploded. Line after line of thick white fluid shot from the swollen purple head like it was a volcano. God in Heaven, but I had no recourse but to open my mouth and moan out loud. Everything in me seemed to be erupting out of my cock, every muscle in my body twitched and then collapsed. I pitched forward and had to catch myself with my hands to prevent to from smashing my face against the tile.
My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath as my cock still pulsed between my legs. I watched as the thick evidence of my very first orgasm was washed down the drain by the running water. My body relaxed bit by bit and I felt the warm sated afterglow flush through every fiber of my being making me feel exhausted but complete.
Gaining some control back over my quivering muscles. I stood on weakened knees and turned off the water. I stepped out and snagged the towel off the hook and mopped the excess water off my skin. I barely managed to shimmy into my boxer shorts and I didn’t even bother with the pajamas. I just carried them back out to the bedroom with me and dumped them on the end of the bed.
I pulled the covers back and climbed in between them and assimilated myself into a comfortable position. God, I never knew something could feel that good. It was something that I was going to find myself doing a lot of, but how was I going to face Royce knowing that he is the star of my little one man show. I am sure that my face was going to give me away.
A smile spread across my face and I felt accomplished. I had managed to gain a new sexual experience without the taint of what they did to me affecting my reactions. I had managed to gain pleasure and sexual gratification from something that I have always connected to violation and pain. Most of all I felt normal. I felt like a healthy normal red blooded man. I no longer felt like a piece of meat used for someone else’s gratification. And again that feeling of freedom descended on me and I was glad HE was gone. No longer could HE hurt me and with what I managed to do tonight, the simple act of bringing myself to orgasm was a big step for me and although it was going to be embarrassing as Hell to face Royce, I couldn’t wait to tell him.
I sighed into the darkness of my room, my body thrummed with a feeling of warm lethargy and little by little exhaustion took over. And my last thought as my eyes drooped one last time and closed completely was of what I managed to accomplish tonight, and if Royce would be coming back tomorrow.