||Valeria||
It doesn’t matter how much I try to forget the subject. It doesn’t count how far I run because it’ll always haunt me. I’m living prove. Everything I do, everywhere I go, it still follows me like a shadow. I wanted to be strong. So much. God, I still want to be strong. I want to fight back but I’m helpless. I feel invalid, incapacitated.
The first few weeks I tried so hard not think about what the dog did to me. Thinking if I just try hard enough to avoid the subject, forcing my thoughts not to wander in that direction, then it will just go away. That I’ll forget it and it’ll be just like a bad dream that I woke up from and the next day it was just gone. But the thing is, it didn’t. No. it’s real. This is not a made up fantasy. What happened in fact really did come to pass. And to me at that.
I try to smile. I try by all means to laugh but even doing that hurts. It hurts so much knowing that I’ll never be the same. That my life won’t be the same again. Like ever. No matter what good befalls me today, tomorrow or after five years, I’ll always be walking around with this scar. A big gaping one that can’t be healed by worldly medication.
I’m living in an endless chasm of fear. Always frantic, disorientated and restless. It’s like I’m always on alert to defend myself. Waiting for someone—something that’ll strike and repeat what that… Just thinking about it is excruciating, because if I do, then the memories of the unbearable smell of his cologne, the foul smell of alcohol in his mouth and his hands roaming my body cloud my mind, flashing through my head in split seconds. And don’t mistake me, I try by all means to refrain from those memories, but no. It doesn’t help.
I’m afraid to sleep at night. Afraid that if I do, if I just close my eyes for a millisecond than everything will come crashing back like a hurricane ready to obliterate my entire existence, reminding me slowly and painfully that I lost my dignity to a nameless, faceless chauvinistic pig. That I’ll never have the say of how and when I would like to. He snatch that right away from me, and I’ll be forever broken, dirty and unworthy. He took and crushed my life in pulverized nothings.
It doesn’t matter what I wanted to do for my future. All the dreams and aspirations I had are all squelched, because with this at the back of my mind every step of the way, I’ll never amount to anything.
I know I was never a good person. I know that now. Living the life of a poor makes you cognizant to the things you considered irrelevant once upon a time. That the world doesn’t revolve around money and privileges, because you can lose all those things at the snap of the finger, and if you do, then there’s no going back. Those people you once looked down on are one step ahead of you. They’re the ones that will give you the dirty eye you once gave them. And does it hurt.
I’m on a roller coaster of cluster of mixed emotions. And not emotions I can no longer bear with. It seems like this anger, fear and disorientation and guilt enacted a natural instinct of survival in me. Something I don’t even like for a second. It turns me into a violent somebody that I never liked and wanted to be. And what pains me in all this is the fact that I can’t get myself to tell anyone what happened to me. In fact, nobody knows. Not even Ndeshi. I feel so dirty. I feel… there are no words left to describe what I feel.
Currently seated in the English class, I can’t seem to hear anything. My vision is hazy. I don’t know from what, probably the tears. I can only hear our English teacher’s voice in the distant talking about King Lear. My vision gets dark and I’m seeing him. All I can see and feel is that faithful night where my already hellacious life was plunge into seamless depths of hell. What he did to me. The reek of the river bed. The sounds the pig made. Everything comes rushing back at the speed of light and it’s hard to contain the pained groan I hear at the far back of my head. It’s happening all over again. From the beginning with every intricate detail.
It can’t be. No, it can’t be happening. I don’t know what’s happening around me. I can feel him between my legs, ripping my jeans and panties off like a sex hungry baboon. His lips are all over my body. And then I feel the burning pain wrecking my world into quadrillion pieces. I can hear a faraway scream. I don’t know if it’s me or someone else. I feel myself shivering. A jerking shiver that rocks my body.
I feel someone shaking my body violently, calling my name at the same time. I feel the visions fading away slowly. I can hear the sounds around me much clearer.
After when the erratic behavior of my body subsides, I open my eyes slowly connecting them with the grey ones of Xander Kegel. The person that has been shaking my body. I take a deep breath as the realization that I’m still in class finally kicks in. I whip my head around in a quick three-sixty only to find all the eyes focused on me. I suddenly feel my breathing getting shallow. My chest starts heaving up and down, my heart pounding at a speed I never experienced before. I can’t breathe. My muscles are trembling. I can’t…
I’m having a panic attack.
Without having a clear knowledge of what I’m doing, I feel myself standing up, moving. Going somewhere. I don’t know where but somewhere I’ll be able to breathe. I need to get out of here. My legs are wobble-y. They’re giving out on me. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder. The person’s trying to pull me back. I don’t know who or what it is. I don’t even know if it’s real or not.
And then I remember what He did to me.
Please don’t touch me. Don’t touch me, no. Don’t touch me.
I chant silently, suddenly feeling myself kneeing and punching something. Someone. I can’t see anything. Probably I do but I don’t know what I see. My arms and legs are moving, rushing, delivering quick blows. Beating at the thing. Then I feel hands pulling me away.
The last thing I remember myself doing is trying to squirm out of the person’s hold, kicking my legs up in the air helplessly and then everything goes black.
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Why am I only seeing black? Did I get blind or what? Oh, God, no. Not blindness. I’ve no one that can take care of me. What will happen to me if that’s the case? With all these questions razing my mind, I don’t realize my eyes are pressed shut and a quick internal sigh of relief escapes my mouth as I become aware of these fact.
“How long until she regains consciousness again dad?” I hear an oddly familiar voice break through the eerie silence. Wait… I remember that voice. Isn’t that Ndeshi? And who is she calling dad? Why is there an unconscious person at my apartment? That’s if we’re even at my apartment? As if struck by a sudden déjà vu, the soft beep-beep sound crack through my earholes. Where the hell am I? Or better yet, what the hell happened to me?
I try to remember what I did last but everything comes out blank. I only have one clear memory of being in the English class from there everything transforms into traces of nothings.
“Soon honey.” A masculine voice answers. “Don’t worry she’ll be okay. It’s the medication we gave her to calm her mind that’s taking so long to wear off. One thing though…” he trails.
“What?” Ndeshi or whoever it is questions impatiently.
“Did she go through a dramatic experience recently?”
“Not that I know of.” She replies thoughtfully. “Why? Do you think something is wrong with her?”
“What she’s going through is not a medical issue.” The person starts. “It’s something psychological that triggered her fight or flee instincts, like a short circuit. This circuit ricochets through a person’s body and mind that results in shock, dissociation and many kinds of involuntary responses just like the way she reacted in class before her black out. Her beating that boy was not a voluntary action. It was an involuntary action which I don’t even think she’ll remember when she wakes up.”
What are they talking about? Are they talking about me?
“What does that mean? I’m a chef not a psyche expert dad. I don’t talk crazy.” She tells him.
“Oh, it means you should be worried sweetheart. She needs to see psychiatrist ASAP. If not these effects will remain—“
My eyes land on a black man probably forty years of age in a white coat the minute my eyes flutter open. He’s talking to… Ndeshi. So I was right. It’s her.
Ndeshi moves herself forward, crushing herself at me. I squint my eyes, attempting to limit the entrance of the light in my pupils, hugging her back.
“Oh, thank God.” He voices revels in reliefs. “You got me worried. Don’t you ever scare me like that, do you hear me?” I can’t breathe. Jesus this girl is strong. She’s holding me so tight against herself, squeezing the air out of my lungs.
“I can’t breathe.” My voice croaks out. She whips her head up immediately with a worried expression. I take in huge breathe making up for the air that was squeezed out of my lungs.
“Are you dying on me again?” She frowns.
“No. No. It’s not that. You were squeezing the air out of my lungs. That’s all but I’m okay. I can breathe now.” I give her a small smile which falters the moment I process my surroundings. I’m on a hospital bed, in a hospital gown. What the hell am I doing in hospital?
“Ndeshi what am I doing in a hospital?” I ask in a sickly confuse voice.
“You don’t remember.” It’s not a question, it’s a statement.
“Uhmm… remember what?” I look at her stupidly. She moves her head up to the doctor whose presence I blank out. He’s still in the room and oh, where is her dad? The man motions towards me, signaling Ndeshi to move out of the way. She stands up but hesitantly with gathered brows.
“Hello, Valeria.” He greets. “I’m Dr. Hoveka. How are you feeling?” He questions with a gentle smile. I draw my eyebrows together at the mention of his name. Hoveka as in Ndeshi Hoveka? My mouths forms a silent O as realization sets in.
“Yeah, exactly what you’re thinking dear.” He chuckles. “She’s my daughter.” He replies my silent question as if we’ve a telepathic connection or something. It feels weird though. Having someone giving me an all-white smile that shines deep down in their eyes. He’s like the first person that didn’t look at me any differently. Like I’m a gum at the sole of his shoes. That’s besides Ndeshi and my co-workers whom I’m surprisingly very close with.
“Oh, yeah. Wow.” I feel a smile edging its way onto my face. “Nice to meet you Dr. Hoveka and I’m fine, thanks.” I tell him genuinely. “How come you’re not looking at me like I’m a smelly gum at the sole of your shoes?” I ask him after a short silence, looking down at my hands.
“And why should I do that exactly?” He tilts his head sideways.
“Because that’s how everyone has been looking at me. Treating me. Like I’m a bad smell that they can’t rid themselves of.”
“Oh, dear. I’m sorry about that.” He apologizes. “I’m not a judgmental person by no degree. And even if I wanted to which I obviously don’t want to, my job doesn’t allow it. We’re advised against discrimination and treating certain patients better than the next.” He states giving me a comforting smile. I return the same smile with more enthusiasm then I would care to admit.
“You remind me of my daughter.” He says sadly. I jerk my head up, forming a crease between my eyebrows silently urging him to carry on.
“She died a year ago.” He offers a sad smile. I move my eyes to Ndeshi. God, they’re still grieving her lost and I kind of awoken their anguish with my presence. I find Ndeshi looking down at the floor with brimming tears in her eyes.
“You had a sister Ndeshi?” I ask Ndeshi. She doesn’t reply. Just sniffles in silence.
“Yeah.” Dr. Hoveka answers for her. “We lost her last year this time around to throat cancer… Okay, enough with my sullen story dear. Let’s get back to you. Are you feeling better?”
“Yes, I’m. Feeling better I mean. So don’t worry about me. One thing though, what am I doing here again?”
“You had a breakdown.” He says cautiously as if he’s afraid I’ll lose it again. Wait, what?
“Breakdown as in mental breakdown?” My voice shrieks out. “Like am I crazy or something? What does that even mean?”
“What do you remember exactly Valeria?” He frowns. Uhm… what do I remember?
“I remember being in the English class,” I start. “Revising and stuff. We were working on King Lear…” My voice trails off as my face goes blank, body tensing, breathing becoming shallow. I remember. I remember having the flashbacks. I remember punching something or someone. I don’t even know if it’s real or not. I don’t tell them this though. I keep it to myself.
“What is it? Do you remember?”
I force a smile and shake my head no. “No. Nothing. It’s something else.” I find Ndeshi sending me a weird look as if I’m crazy or stupid.
“Are you sure?” Dr. Hoveka asks, making sure.
“Yeah. I’m sure.” I offer him a polite smile.
“Okay. Then I’ll go prepare the papers to get you discharged. There’s nothing wrong with you. At least not health wise. Everything looks normal but we ran a blood test just to be hundred percent certain. Let me get going then.” He says and leaves the room. My eyes follow his movement to the door after nodding my head in confirmation that it’s okay.
Focusing my gaze back on Ndeshi, I find her standing with arms crossed over her chest and her stance firm with hips cocked out to the sides. Her expression blank. Annoyed, I think. So that means the ‘don’t shit around with’ bitch is back.
“I’m not buying that I’m fine bullcrap.” She huffs, nose flaring. That means she’s pissed. Not good. “I know for a fact that you’re not yourself. You don’t think that I didn’t notice you being… I don’t know how to say it but, when you started working at the diner, you were acting as if you were expecting something bad to happen to you. Always on alert to strike, jumpy and restless at times. But now, this last few days you’ve been full blown frantic. Acting violent with customers which by the way is out of proportion.”
“You know, in the beginning I didn’t wanna pressure you. Asking you what happened left and right because I knew you we didn’t established enough trust yet. So, I told myself you’ll tell me one day when you’re ready and trust me enough. And believe me, I trusted and believe in you from the very first day I met you. I don’t know how but it’s like you somehow salvage the gaping hole I’ve been walking around with ever since my sister’s death. I felt a connection with you and—“
“Ndeshi please—“
“No, you don’t get to interrupt me, okay?” Okay, now she’s raging. Never seen her like this before. It’s oddly frightening, so I nod my head as a signal for her to continue. “If you even think for a second that I didn’t notice the bruises on your wrist or those one’s on your stomach which you did a brilliant job concealing to the rest but not me. I know. I know something happened to you while you were staying on the streets, but I just don’t know what and it hurts me not knowing what. Seeing you jumpy, in fear and living in dissociation is not a good sight. Probably other’s don’t notice all these things but I do Valeria. I do. I’m worried sick about you. Do you know how I felt when I found out you were in the hospital?” She wipes away the tear that slipped down her cheek, annoyed.
I somehow know how she feels. I also want to tell her so much, but I can’t get myself to. It feels like if I do tell her, everything will get real then. That what happened to me actually did happened. And I know I’m living in an unreal purgatory or whatever you want to call it but it’s my purgatory. It’s my shield that shadows and shells me away from the outside world. I don’t want to feel worthless and vulnerable and weak again. I don’t want to expose myself to so much pain because I’ll not be able to contain myself. I’ve cried before but I held myself back. I don’t want to cry anymore because if I do, then I’ll never stop crying. If I tell her the truth now, then the save haven I’ve created for myself will crash and everything will become real, so no. I’m not going to. She can hate me if she wants. Not talk to me. It’s fine by me.
I trust her too. Something I vowed never to do with anyone. But it didn’t take too long for me to do it. It just happened without me knowing. And I’ll lie if I say, I don’t love her like a sister because in these few weeks she has become more than a friend to me. She has been my unwavering support and I always knew, she knew something was off about me. It would break me to lose her but I’m already broken, so it’s okay. My heart is in an interminable sea of ache and adding losing her as a plus will not cease the pain anyway.
I wipe away the tears I didn’t know were flowing with the back of my hand and look up at Ndeshi.
“I don’t know how you felt.” I answer her. “But I know how I feel now and I feel like I can’t get myself to tell you.” I muffle my mouth to stop the sob that’s threatening to break free. I calm myself and continue after a while. “Hate me if you want Ndeshi. I’m okay with it. But I can’t… I just can’t. I… what happened to me, I don’t wish on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. But know that you also mean the world to me. I’ll be forever indebted to you for taking a chance with me. Because you saved me and that… I’ll forever treasure it. I’ll understand if you don’t want to see me again. I do. I’ll hand in my resignation tomorrow and leave. Because I can’t be around you every day and not tell you. I’ll fall apart one day and I’ll tell you and when that happens, everything becomes real. This invisible shield I’ve created around me will shatter and I’ll break. And I don’t know how I’ll get out of that. I—“
“No. No. Don’t you dare?” She envelopes me into a tight hug. I don’t even hesitate to hug her back. We sit like that for minutes, crying onto each other’s shoulders.
“I’m not giving up on you.” She tells me holding me at arm’s length. “And if you even think for second that I’ll let you leave then you’re insane and stupid and delusional.” She pauses and wipe way the flowing tears with pad of her thumb from my cheeks. “I’ll wait. I’ll wait until you trust me enough to tell me. I know you’re hurting and I’ll not push you, but know you’re not going anywhere. You stuck with my white-black arse, and I don’t care even if you come after me. How’ll call me? Shallow cunt?” She raises a brow with glint of witticism.
I throw my head back and laugh. I can’t believe she overhead that. Wait… wasn’t she in the kitchen? I stop laughing and look at her, tilting my head to the side.
“How do you know that? Weren’t you in the kitchen that day?”
“I might’ve stopped at some point to eavesdrop. God, never knew you were such a bitch. Tell me never to cross you. But I’m happy you stood up that racist pig.” She says.
“Wait, you know Pius?”
“Who doesn’t know the sex personified seventeen year old manwhore of Swakopmund?” She scoffs with a roll of her eyes. “I’m not living under a rock Valeria. I know of him. I know how he sleeps around with girls like a fire spreading through dry shrubs and dumbs them like dirt after that. Girls go cuckoo over him, throwing themselves at the prick. But what can I say. He’s loaded. Who wouldn’t go for a loaded seventeen year old?” She smiles.
She so weird. Even after being raised in money and all, she’s the complete opposite of the kids that grow up in luxury. The likes of me. She acts as if she’s not the daughter of the hospitals owner. According to her, she prefers to carve her own path, earning her own money through hard work and sweat and not milk her parents dry. Speaking of parents, what was her dad doing here treating me? Doesn’t he like only take care of critical cases?
“Wait, wait. How the hell was your father treating me? Didn’t you say he only treats critical cases and stuff?”
“Wow, now that’s one way to change the topic missy.” She snorts smilingly. “I might’ve pulled some strings.” She says wiggling her eyebrows. Knowing her, I know there’s more to the story. I sit upright and stare at her expectantly.
She sighs and throws her hands up in the air. “I might’ve threatened him, okay.” She says nonchalantly like it’s a normal occurrence to threaten her parents. Why am I not surprise though? It’s Ndeshi we’re talking about for god sakes.
“You did what?” I raise my voice in horror.
“What?” She shrugs her shoulders. “I had to do something and I don’t trust anyone besides my dad with the people I care about. So, I had to do something. Threatening him was the only sensible thing at the moment to change his mind.”
She’s full blown cray-cray and out of her mind. “How did you threaten him?”
“Oh, that." She starts giggling like a I don't know what. "I found him stealing my mom’s something. She has been complaining about it finishing without her using it that much. Guess who I saw stealing my mom’s Bintje the other day?”
“Bin-what?”
“Bintje.” She repeats like duh. As if I’m supposed to know what that is? Seeing the confuse look on my face as a sign, she sighs and tell me. “It’s a Dutch yellow potato kind-of-thing that’s tiny and smoothed skinned, fleshed like a Bintje.” She explains. Uhm, whatever she just said. I nod my head in understanding even if I don’t have a clue of what she just said. Guess she’s not the only weird one in the family. “My mom goes full psycho over that thing. Apparently it’s exclusive and expensive. My dad hated it in the beginning but I don’t know what changed because I found him taking it down in big gulps. So, when he told me he was busy, I told him I would tell mom he’s the one that has been stealing her Bintje. He immediately agreed without thinking twice.”
I laugh shaking my head in amusement. “God, you’re evil.”
“What? I had to do something. Besides, you can’t be the only badass bitch.” She smiles.
“What does that even mean?”
“You don’t really remember anything do you?”
“Am I supposed to?” I frown.
“Scoot.” She orders moving towards the bed from the seat she was occupying. She just makes herself comfortable on my bed with a grin like a complete crazy not giving me answers I so need right now.
“Hey, will you stop the cryptic? What happened?”
“Oh, not what happened? What you did.” She states. I contort my face in something I know looks totally weird. “You beat Pius up to pulp.” She smiles like its nothing to be running for the hills for.
“I did what?” I shrill in a panicky voice.
“You beat him up pretty bad. Didn’t know you were that strong and martially trained. The guy is also here with us at hospital bruised up.”
“Holy Mary. Now that’s war that I just proclaimed there. He’ll come after me again.” But I feel a smile grazing my lips slowly. “That bad?”
“Very.” She smiles. I don’t know what came over me but I suddenly burst out laughing. Hard. I carry on until I feel tears in my eyes. I find Ndeshi staring at me with no humor when I notch my laughing down. Is she being serious, is she?
“You made my day. That can’t possibly be true—“
“Oh, it is. Very.” She smirks. I flop down on the pillow immediately with my hands buried underneath the side of my head looking up at Ndeshi. “You’re such a badass. I’m even more proud of you now. He got what he deserve.” She says with no worry in the world.
“I just signed my own death sentence. My black arse is getting scorched again.”
“Whatever.” She brushes my concern aside. “He still got what he deserved.” She repeats the same statement with blithe unconcern. My eyes widen in mortification.
Is she being for real? Does she know who Pius Starke is? How ruthless he can be if need be? Most especially when the subject he’s wounding is me—Valeria Jaarson.
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A/N: Thank you so much for reading. Means a lot to me.
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Until next time
-Stephen