[The Next Day]
I don't know if I'll be alright after the trial, like everybody says. Everything is becoming too much, the trial's probably not going to help.
I'm getting six hours of sleep every night, tops. The nightmares have slowly become worse so that every morning I'm wakening in a cold sweat and gasping for breath. It's becoming a struggle to hide the bags under my eyes each day. My mum's makeup usually helps though.
I'm trying my best to be or act happy around my friends and family, but it's exhausting. It's getting harder and harder to smile around my friends and not be mean to my parents. I already snapped at my mum yesterday night, and I immediately felt terrible. She said it was fine, but it wasn't. I don't want to burden others with my feelings, so I'm hiding them.
Mix the mental exhaustion from trying to be happy when I'm not and the physical exhaustion from my lack of sleep, and the result is not pretty. I've basically stopped talking at school, except for when I'm around my friends, and the teachers are beginning to either get angry at me or seem to think I'm stupid. My schoolwork and homework is really lacking as well. I haven't really bothered with putting a lot of effort in doing them, I want to but I don't have the energy and I can't focus on anything anymore, and my grades have dropped rapidly in the course of just a few days. It's not just my homework that I can't do though, it's almost everything. My lack of energy and focus have been affecting everything I do now, from getting ready for school to going on my phone, and I always find my mind slipping back into the dark memories so I try to get my mind on something else and end up rushing whatever I had been previously been doing. I haven't told anybody this though.
I had rushed through my morning routine this morning, and am currently waiting in front of my house for Fisher like normal.
I try to focus on little tasks to avoid my mind drifting back into the dark pit of depression that is the memories of the party, so I fix my hair over four times, readjust my clothes to make sure no bruises are showing, tie my shoes two times, triple check that I have everything in my backpack and even clean out my pockets.
The weather today is not great. A cloudy cold day with wind that is very strong, a sharp, powerful, cold wind that bites at your skin unlike the warm breezes that summer brings. I honestly have no idea what season it is, the weather is being so strange and annoyingly different.
Finally, I see Fisher making his way down the street towards me. He's wearing a thin, dark blue jacket with yellow buttons, whereas I'm wearing a black winter coat, his favorite jeans and a long, yellow and orange scarf that's whipping in the wind right now.
When he gets closer to me I can see his cheeks are pink and his nose it bright red, and black gloves on his hands. He smiles when he sees me looking at him, and laughs as his scarf smacks him in the face multiple times. His probably once nicely gelled hair is sticking out in random directions, making him look slightly like a pubescent lion.
"Aren't you cold?" I ask with a brow raised as we begin walking.
He rubs his hands together "Maybe. But I ain't telling you if I am. Ruins my tough guy image."
I laugh dryly "Ooh, bad grammar. That sure is tough."
"You know it is." he flexes "Look at how tough I am."
"You're as tough as a newborn kitten."
"A lion kitten?"
"It's called a cub, and no. More like a munchkin kitten."
"What!? C'mon! I'm tougher than that!"
I just roll my eyes and force a smile. Fisher rambles on about how 'amazingly tough' he is or something like that, but I just ignore him until he accepts defeat and shuts up.
We fall into a comfortable silence as we walk. We're a little earlier than usual so we have no reason to rush, which I admit is nice.
I then feel Fisher looking at me. I expect the feeling of his eyes staring intensely into my soul to go away, but it doesn't.
Over time, I've figured out that Fisher has a problem with staring. He's not the most observant person, and is also quiet oblivious to certain things. Last night was a good example : As I was writing down information for my science homework, I could feel Fisher staring at me, and that made me rather uncomfortable. I started shifting around where I was sitting and made some very obvious signs that it was kind of awkward for me, yet he didn't shift his gaze. Finally, I was just about to say something to him when he piped up about my pastel shirt.
I had questioned him about it, and he seemed embarrassed about it, so I said it was alright and told him that he stared a lot and should probably try not to be so...intense.
I glance over at him with a look that says : You're doing it again.
He looks down and blushes while muttering a small "Sorry." I look forward again but the once nice silence feels more awkward.
"You look terrible Dustin." Fisher suddenly blurts out, and I turn and look at him with a mixture of annoyance, hurt, and anger in my gaze.
"I mean you don't look bad- You're just- I mean- You look fine- I mean good- I mean normal! It's just-" Fisher stutters quickly, saying a lot of 'ums' and 'uhs' while scratching the back of his neck and blushing.
"What do you mean?!" I snap suddenly. Cutting him off.
"I- It's just..." Fisher stammers, then seems to regain confidence "You're eyes..."
"What about them?"
"They're just so...so dull. A-and they've got really big, dark, purple bags underneath them..."
I feel my face whiten a little. I forgot to put makeup under my eyes today.
"Oh, it's nothing." I lie "I just didn't get much sleep last night. I stayed up watching Youtube on my phone for too long." I force another smile and laugh. It sounds slightly fake.
"Have you been sleeping well? You're face is paler too, more than usual. You can tell me, no more secrets. Remember?" he stops walking and I do the same.
"I've been sleeping fine, I just stayed up late and woke up early. My face is pale because we haven't had any freaking sun around here!" I joke but Fisher doesn't laugh or smile "It's alright Fisher, don't worry about me."
Fisher doesn't look convinced, but thankfully he nods and drops the subject. We continue walking, and I silently sigh in relief.
'Sorry Fisher' I say to myself 'I don't want to drag you into this anymore. I've already given you a broken arm, and I won't forgive myself if something else happens to you.'
The wind continues to blow forcefully as we walk to school in silence.
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When my first two classes have finally finished, I feel completely drained. What little energy I had this morning is completely gone, and I still have lunch and two more classes to make it through until I can go home.
Fisher talks to me as we walk down the hall towards our lockers, but it all sounds muffled to me, as if I were underwater. I nod occasionally and force myself to smile, but it's not helping my situation.
I still look terrible and sleep deprived, I know because I saw my reflection in the mirror, and I've been getting so many looks (both concerned and confused) and questions asking if 'I'm okay' or if 'I had enough sleep' and it's becoming very annoying.
I just want to be alone.
"Dustin?" I hear Fisher say my name and snap back into the present.
"Huh?"
"I asked you a question."
"Oh," I blush in embarrassment and look down at the ground "I wasn't listening. Sorry."
Fisher gives me a sympathetic smile "It's alright. I just asked what you wanted to do at lunch today."
We reach our lockers and I sigh "I don't know Fisher...I kind of wanted to just..." I trail off as I get my lunch. How should I politely tell him to get lost?
"What?" he asks while closing his locker.
I close mine as well and look down at the ground. "I just kind of wanted to be alone today..."
I see hurt flicker in his eyes. He approaches me and puts his free hand on my shoulder "Do you mean us alone? Or alone, alone? Are you feeling okay?"
I shake his hand off me and take a step back "I'm feeling fine. I just want to be by myself for a while. Maybe the rest of the day..."
Fisher frowns, and I can see that he's hurt and sad, but he nods. "Yeah, alright. I understand." He forces a smile "I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah..." I take another step back.
"Do you want me to text you?"
I just shrug, then turn and quickly walk away. Leaving Fisher in my dust.
I feel like a terrible friend. Fisher's done so much for me and all I've done is just hurt his feelings and lie to him.
'It's technically his fault.' my brain tells me 'He's the one who wanted to go to the party not you. He took you there.' I shake my head as I walk. It's not Fisher's fault, none of this is.
I make my way down the halls until I reach the doors that lead to the courtyard. I go outside and am instantly hit with a cold gush of wind. I shiver and walk over to one of the picnic tables. Nobody is outside due to the terrible and cold weather.
I shiver again and cross my arms, then rub my hands up and down them. I had left my jacket inside my locker, and the turtleneck that I was wearing stood no chance against the cold wind.
I stay outside though. This is the only place where I can be alone. Barely anybody comes here, and the weather has made sure that nobody in their right mind can go outside.
I sit there, eating my food and shivering in the cold while trying to let my exhaustion subside.
I finish my food and lay my head on the table, surrounding it with my arms. I close my eyes and try to relax.
I don't even know it, but somehow I drift off to sleep.
I only sleep for a few minutes, but I'm plagued with nightmares.
I wake once again in a cold sweat, breath ragged, vision blurry, ears ringing and shaking, not because of the cold, but because of fear.
'I can't do this.'
Those words keep repeating in my head until I'm saying them out loud.
"I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this!" I whisper to myself.
I stand and shakily try to walk to the doors. I need to get back inside, I need to get back to Fisher.
I can't make it though. I'm about half way there when my legs give out and I fall on the ground.
My vision has gone blurry. Everything is swaying and is darkening. I push myself against the rocky, concrete ground until I feel my back press against a wall.
I begin hyperventilating. Crying. Hallucinating.
I press my legs as close to my chest as they can go and wrap my arms around them, then begin to unwillingly rock myself backwards and forwards.
I begin hearing sounds that I heard at the party. People talking, loud music, Tyler's voice whispering in my ear...
Then I can smell things. Alcohol, drugs, cheap perfume...
Things begin flashing in front of me. Short, quick, memories that are coming to live again for brief moments.
I know it's not real, none of it, that it's all different types of hallucinations, but it seems so real. My panic attack doesn't stop.
I sit there for what seems like days.
Nobody comes out into the courtyard. Nobody even passes the windows.
I try to play a fantasy in my head : Fisher will rescue me, he will somehow sense that I'm not alright and come for me. He'll burst out into the court yard yelling my name, looking for me. He'll see me and run to me, calm me down, hold me. Then when I'm better, he'll kiss me...
But then it's not Fisher I see in my fantasy. It's Tyler. He touches me and there's pain everywhere. He drags me away. Nobody saves me.
I pull myself out of the fantasy. 'It's not real.' I tell myself. Over and over and over.
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It's past midnight now. I've given up on sleep and am just laying in the darkness staring at the ceiling trying not to think about everything that's been going on recently and the thoughts that occurred during my panic attack today.
I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my face with my hands. I so desperately want to sleep, but it's hard for me to even close my eyes without nightmares and memories appearing in my head and flashing before my eyes.
I roll on my side and stare at the wall. 'Will everything be alright tomorrow?' I ask myself while pushing the sheets off my legs, I'm too hot here. Despite the cold air that's blowing though my open window, I find myself continuing to sweat. 'Is everything just going to become better after the trial?' I silently scoff 'Probably not.'
I roll back on my back, then sit up and swing my legs over the side of my bed. I stand, then walk over to the window and let the cool breeze hit my face and attempt to reassure myself that everything is going to be alright.
The rest of the day hadn't gone very smoothly. I had been over half an hour late to my after lunch class once I had managed to calm myself down. Thankfully, the teacher had been nice and believed my story that I made about falling asleep and not being woken up by the bell or my friends. I think he just had one look at the bags under my eyes and let me off with a warning, but the annoyed and suspicious stares I got from the other students made me feel guilty, afraid, and embarrassed.
I didn't see Fisher for the rest of the day. I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I had wanted to see him and confess the truth to him, but at the same time, it was hard to think of him without now comparing him to or thinking about Tyler. I hated my brain for that. I didn't want to become afraid of Fisher, he was the only one I felt safe around.
When I had gotten home, I found my mum crying. She tried to hide it, but I coaxed her to tell me why she was crying. It turns out the police had called and gave her more information about the trial, and that had made her scared for me. I hugged her and, even though it was hard for me to lie, told her that everything was fine, that I was okay, and that we were all going to be all right. She said that I was brave, which I'm not, and calmed herself down. She apologized for letting me see her cry, but I told her that it was all right for her too. I will admit, it's hard to watch your mother cry.
When my dad came home, we had a long talk about everything that was going to happen in the trial, and he made sure that I had everything that I needed and that I was okay. He's not the best with reassuring and feelings really, so he goes the route of being tough and brave. I know he's trying his best to help me though, but he just doesn't know how.
When I had tried to sleep tonight, the nightmares were, once again, dreadful. I tried multiple times to rest, but I only got around fifteen minutes, tops. Each nightmare was worse than the last and it took all my energy not to have another panic attack. Eventually I gave up sleep altogether.
Suddenly, my phone vibrates. I've got a text.
'Who on earth would send me a text, right now?!' my brain questions as I reach over and pick up my phone.
I'm honestly not surprised to see it's from Fisher.
F : What time is the trial tomorrow?
I'm surprised that Fisher is up at this hour, asking about the trial, and still wants to come to the trial with me.
D : You're still coming?
F : Why wouldn't I be?
D : I was just a huge jerk to you today...
F : That doesn't matter. You wanted to be alone, I get that, and that wouldn't stop me from coming to the trial with you.
D : Oh, thanks.
F : So what time is the trial?
D : Twelve. I'm allowed to stay home for the day. Before and after the trial.
F : I'll be at your house at nine thirty okay?
D : Okay.
A pause.
F : So...
D : So...
F : What are you doing up at this hour?
D : I could ask you the same thing.
F : I couldn't sleep. Was worrying, then I realized that I had no info about the trial.
D : Oh, okay.
F : So, what about you?
D : Couldn't sleep. I'm nervous.
The truth and a lie.
F : It's going to be alright.
D : Yeah...
F : So...
D : Do you want me to send you the email I got from the police? It goes over the information of the trial.
F : That would be great.
D : Okay, I'll send it. In the meantime, you get some sleep.
F : I could say the same to you.
D : I will, after you stop texting me.
F : Okay, goodnight. Get some sleep.
D : Goodnight.
I sigh, and email the information email to Fisher. I place my phone down back on my bedside table after turning it off, and look back out the window.
My window looks out on to the street, which only has a few street lamps illuminating it in the darkness. The stars are easily seen above all the housetops and small trees, with the moon full and bright. The silhouettes of the trees are swaying in the constant wind, and the brushing of the leaves echoes around the silent neighbourhood.
It's the kind of night that would normally make you feel at ease, peaceful, and happy. It's one of those nights were you might want to lay in the grass and stare at the stars instead of sleeping.
Usually, I love these nights. I go out to the backyard and just stare at the sky. Even if I don't sleep, I always feel refreshed the next morning.
There's too much dread coursing through my body for me to appreciate this night. And the very thought of being able to sleep, much less sleep under the stars, feels so far off and strange.
Suddenly, a star rapidly shoots across the dark sky. Outshining all the other stars for just a moment.
'Make a wish.' my brain tells me.
I sigh, and close my eyes and whisper :
"Please let everything be...fine."
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Another filler chapter, yay! I'm sorry, but I'm not one for time skips that are only for a day. More important things coming up though! Mwahahahaha!!!! Sorry if this chapter seems stupid or unnecessary or something, I had no idea what to write. I know what to write for the upcoming ones though!!! YAY! Also thank you to everybody who has read the story so far, I luv you. Also I've got WiFI Again!!!!