Almost is never enough
Harry’s P.O.V
I took all the liquor bottles and took them to the kitchen. I drained its contents into the sink. I didn’t need alcohol, I don’t need it. I took a garbage bag and stuffed all the empty bottles and cigarette packets. I threw it all away. I didn’t want any of that. I wanted to change and have the temptations around me wouldn’t help me. "Almost" is never enough, because if you “almost” did it means you failed. And I cannot "almost" change for Emma.
I cleaned the whole apartment and opened the windows to let the smell of cigarette disappear. I climbed the stairs and walked the room that Emma and I shared. I stood in front of the white door. I could almost hear her laughter. Yeah, I almost could. I opened the door and the smell of Emma’s perfume filled my lungs.
I had only been here a couple of times since Emma went away. It still smelled like her. The bed was made and her stuff is as she left it. I haven’t touched anything. I didn’t want to touch anything. I sit on the bed. I caress the white comforter with brown embroidery. This bed, where we were happy so many times. I closed my eyes. I remembered her kisses, her laugh, her touch, and how she put one leg between mine as she slept.
I needed her here with me. I needed her to scold me for leaving my clothes on the floor and her to laugh every time I surprised her. That she kisses me and hugs me.
I took my phone in my hand and dialed the number I knew by heart. I waited a few seconds and after the third tone she answered.
“Hello?”
“Mom, I'm ready to change. I'm ready to stop drinking and smoking to be a better person, to be a better father.” I whispered.
I knew she was smiling on the other side of the phone.
“Okay, dear I will be here in some minutes.”
Emma’s P.O.V.
“What if we filled the pool with flowers?” Mom asks.
“Okay and we can put the tables in this way. And on this side could go the cake. You'll have cake, right?...”
I stop listening as my mother and Rose's mother speak with the event organizer. I'm sitting on the edge of the pool with my feet submerged in the water. I can’t even be in peace in my own home. I want dad to arrive home so he tell them to stop tormenting me with a party that I do not want.
All I want is Harry to be with me, supporting me. This party can go to hell. I’m not in the mood and I'm tired. The pool water was warm and the air was blowing gently. I look at nothing while I gently run my fingers through my huge belly. Ethan has grown a lot and he doesn’t stop kicking me in the nights.
That is the reason why I’m so tired.
I pull out my feet of the pool and as I can I stand. Without bothering to wipe my feet I entered the house barefoot. I go to the kitchen and sit on the island. I put my arms over this and rest my head.
“Would you like some tea?” Anna offers me.
“No, I want to sleep. I’m tired.” I respond.
She anyways prepared me an apple and cinnamon tea. She placed it next to me. After a few seconds I took the cup in my hands and took a sip. It’s strong and apple flavor stays in my mouth. Anna also gives me a plate of cookies that Mom made.
“How much are they doing there?” Anna asked me looking out the kitchen window.
“They want to throw a party for my birthday and at the same time mixing it with my baby shower.”
“Become twenty is an important birthday.”
“Not when you're pregnant and you're still waiting for him to come back anytime.” I sighed.
“I’m sure that he’ll come back.”
“I do not. I probably will not see him again.” My eyes start itching.
I will not cry. I've cried enough for Harry. I will not mourn over him. I blink to keep back the tears.
“Maybe…”
The sound of a phone interrupted her. My phone. I took it out of the pocket of my shorts. Thinking it was dad I pressed the screen and put it on speaker.
“Hello?” I said reluctantly.
“Emma? I’m Jared.” His sweet and deep voice spoke.
I opened my eyes and sat properly in the chair. Anna raised an eyebrow with a mischievous smile on her lips. I had forgotten that that day in Starbucks had given him my number...
“Hi Jared. How are you?”
“I'm pretty good. I know we saw a few days ago but I was thinking maybe you'd like to go out...”
My cheeks flushed and Anna contained the laughter.
“Yeah, sure. When?”
“Today. You know a movie and then ice cream.”
“I would love to.”
“I look you at five in the Starbucks where we meet the other day. Goodbye.”
“Bye.”
The call ended and I felt the heat rising to my cheeks. I will never again put a call on speaker.
“Well. Some things do not come back, but new things come to you.” Anna said and winked.
“Is it normal to be asked out on Wednesday night?”
“He knows you cannot go around showing your belly because... Those reasons and on Wednesday night almost nobody goes to the movies.”
“Do you think I'm finally getting lucky?”
“Honey, you always have luck. But it not always present as you'd like.”
Ihalf smile. I leave the kitchen with my phone in hand. I have a date with Jared...
“I had no idea how hard it is to get a date when you have children.” Jared confessed and then put a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.
“I know… Thanks you for asking me out.”
“Thanks you for accepting.”
I ate my chocolate ice cream slowly. We were the only ones in the ice cream shop, besides the guy serving ice cream. Jared had that sweet smile on his face. His hazel eyes looked at me. He hadn’t stopped looking at me since he had passed his arm around my shoulders at the movies and I had not done anything to remove it.
“I think we should give us another chance to enjoy life. It is true that our relationship did not end as expected,” I snorted and he smiled. “But I think we should continue. I will not pressure you, because I'm also not ready. But perhaps in the future we could try. You are not alone in this; I'm going to help you.”
He took my hand across the table and smiled at me, comforting me. I smiled back.
“Thanks, Jared.”
“No problem, beautiful.”
We finished eating our ice cream. Jared passed one arm around my shoulders as we walked to his car. He opened the passenger door for me and I thanked him.
Harry’s P.O.V.
“You still haven’t told me why you changed your mind so suddenly.” Mom mentioned while had dinner.
I finished swallowing what was in his mouth and leave my fork over the plate.
“Well... I went to the store for a couple of beers and accidentally heard a girl talking. She was talking to the cashier. She... She said her boyfriend had left her when she became pregnant and that it had been a hell for her being a single mother. She sounded so sad and tired. But you know what else she said? She said that after all she still loved him... And... I thought... I thought maybe Emma... You think it's stupid?”
“No, Harry. I don’t think that’s stupid.”
“Do you think she…?”
“You are changing and she misses the old Harry like I do.”
I smiled slightly and continued eating my dinner. I wouldn’t go back to drinking and smoking for me, for Emma and for our son.
Stop drinking and stop smoking is not easy. All the time you are anxious and you ask yourself again and again what would happen if you do it just one more time... But then you remember the reason why you stopped. You feel that your veins burn and a bitter taste is present in your mouth.
Only a day had passed. Just one day since I had decided that I would leave all that. I feel that I need the nicotine in my blood. I've been playing with the rubber bracelet in my hand for half an hour, trying to calm the anxiety. Mom is sitting next to me. I had to make rehabilitation therapy three times a week.
“Harry Styles.” The lady called.
I stopped playing with the bracelet. I don’t know why she called me if mom and I were the only ones in the room. I walked over to the lady who held several papers in her hands. Before going in I looked back. Mom showed me thumbs up, encouraging me. I took a deep breath and the door closed behind me.
Emma’s P.O.V.
Everything mom needed was three days. Three days and the party were already made. Almost all the guests had arrived. I could not even say anything. And the worst part was that dad had taken sides with my mother. He simply said, "Come on, Emma. Let your mother have a little fun. It's only three or four hours. After that you can eat all strawberry jelly and mustard sandwiches you want."
Yeah, I know. Strawberry jelly and mustard sounds disgusting. But it is not my fault. It’s Ethan's fault for giving me nasty cravings. Like putting ketchup and honey to the salad. And overall mix sweet and salty.
And now here I was forcing a smile while everyone congratulated me on Ethan. Yeah, I was proud and happy for Ethan. I knew he would be the best son in the world and even if he weren’t for me would be like that. Mom had forbidden me to eat strange things or satisfy my cravings while there were so many people. But I really wanted pasta with cheese and jelly. And I could not stand the heat. I wanted to go to my room, turn on the air conditioning and sleep until the next day.
“Anna.” I called her softly.
“You look beautiful in that dress.” She complimented me.
“Thank you. You think you can put a little jelly to my pasta without Mom noticing?”
“I don’t think so. In fact at this time she’s looking at us.”
Surreptitiously looked to my right and there was mom watching us while talking to one of my aunts.
“Don’t worry. I'll make you some for dinner.”
“Thanks.”
I had also invited the boys, Eleanor and Perrie. I even told Anne that Harry could come. But breaking my hopes Anne had entered with just Gemma accompanying her. Everyone seemed happy and I was too. I just wanted that Harry was also here sharing my happiness.
The whole garden was full of tables with umbrellas covering the people from the sun. The columns were adorned with fabrics in shades of blue and everywhere blue and white balloons were present. White lilies and blue hydrangeas decorated the tables.
“Who is he?” Mom came almost running towards me.
I looked at the entrance to the garden. Jared was standing there. He knew no one and therefore he hadn’t moved from there yet. He looked everywhere, looking for me. His eyes finally met mine and he smiled, letting me see a row of white teeth. He wore black jeans and a dress shirt. His black hair somewhat tousled.
“A friend.” I respond to my mother still looking at Jared.
“What kind of friend?”
“The kind of friend that asks her out.” Anna responds.
I walk to him before mom could say anything else. On the corner of my eye I watched as Jessie and Anabelle look at him with wide eyes. Rose raises an eyebrow. The boys have different expressions of astonishment and something else. Perrie firmly holding Eleanor’s arm and the two of them smile. They were chatting, until they saw Jared.
Beyond that I look at Gemma who seems happy but sad at the same time. Anne looks at me and can’t decipher well what her eyes say. Dad raises an eyebrow when he sees me and Dylan asks something to Richard, which responds with a shrug.
The ten seconds it takes me to go to Jared seem eternal while I watch all this.
“Hi.” I say releasing all the air that I retained without noticing.
“Hello, happy birthday pretty girl.”
Jared hugs me and I hug him back. The smell of his cologne fills my lungs. He moves away from me and looks at me from bottom to top.
“You look beautiful.”
“Thanks.”
“I brought you a gift, but you cannot open it yet.” He says and hands me a small black box with a light blue bow.
“Thank you. Come, I'll introduce you to my friends.” I said taking his arm and leading him to where they were all chatting in a circle.
I introduced him to everyone. Jared was my friend and that had nothing wrong. Perrie looked at me as asking if Jared was my boyfriend and I shook my head no slyly. Jared slowly drifted participating in the conversation. Anabelle didn’t stop looking at him. Mom surely will ask me explanations as the way she watched us.
Jared was handsome, chivalrous and all that, but none of us were ready for a new relationship. A relationship with children involved.
“How'd you meet Emma?” Rose questions and then takes a sip of her drink.
“Well, at the doctor’s.” He smiled and everyone laughed. “I was accompanying my ex girlfriend and Emma was in the waiting room.”
“Your ex girlfriend?” Eleanor asks without understanding.
I feel this will become too uncomfortable.
“Yes, she is pregnant and I obviously have to take care of her.” He replied, following the topic as usual. Without getting uncomfortable.
All start joking when they understand and I am surprised that an awkward silence is not present. They continue chatting while I go to greet my cousins who have just arrived. I stayed chatting with my cousins and daughters of mom’s friends. Many of them give me advice and of course they wonder who the handsome new guy is.
When they announce that the food will be serve all head to the different tables. I'm going to sit on the largest one where my friends are. Jared sits next to me, after making the chair back so I can sit. Next to him are Anabelle, then Niall, Louis, Eleanor, Perrie, Zayn, Liam, Jessie and Rose, sitting to my left side.
We all eat slowly as we speak and laugh. But as I eat I can’t avoid looking toward the entrance from time to time, hoping that Harry appears with a bouquet of flowers and his perfect smile. I'm pathetic, but I really want him with me.
I’m very hungry, but do not ask for more and so then I’ll be able to eat two or three pieces of cake...
It's five in the afternoon and the sun begins to hide. Anna and the others are cleaning up the garden and picking things up. All are gone, all except Jared. He wanted to stay a little longer and my mother saw no problem for him to stay longer. She let us eat all the desserts and cakes that were left. We both would fill our mouths of brownies, nougat, candy, ice cream with melted chocolate, cakes of all kinds, cookies, mini cheese and fruit pies, little apple, chocolate and some stuffed dish or jelly donuts.
We were almost finished with everything and now we shared the last ice was left.
“I love this.” I said sticking the spoon in my mouth and he imitated my action.
“I've never eaten so many desserts in my life.”
“Me either.” The two of us back went to put the spoons in the ice cream, so then sticking them in our mouths.
His phone vibrated against the table. He quickly took it and read the message.
“Oh, dear, I have to go. I’m sorry.”
“It doesn't matter.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Sure. There’s still cake.” I said and he laughed.
He kissed me on the forehead, put on his jacket and walked out the door, winking at me. I kept eating the ice cream, letting it melt in my mouth. I put one of my hands on my belly and started to stroke it.
“I love you Ethan.” I whispered.
The sound of the doorbell startled me. I got off the chair and walked towards the door. Jared has probably forgotten something. I rolled my eyes and smiled. I took a quick look at the living room, but there was nothing of Jared. Surely he had left it in the garden. I opened the door.
“Jared, what did you forget? You don’t know...” I stayed silent when I realized it was not Jared.
“Hi.” Harry whispered with a half smile on his lips.
I thought I would faint. Was he standing there or if it was my imagination? He was wearing jeans and a simple white shirt. He also wore a blue blazer, a navy blue one like my dress. My eyes filled with tears. The scent of his lotion indicated me that he had just a shower. His shaved skin looked smooth and just wanted to kiss his chin. His curls were slightly tousled and my mind traveled four years ago when we had our first date.
“Harry.” I said in a sigh.
“Hi Emma…” He handed me a bouquet of white lilies and roses.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. I could hardly breathe.
“There is a lot I want to tell and say you. Come with me?”
I nodded. He ran his hand around my waist and gently guided me to his car...
Harry drove until we reached the lake where we occasionally used to go. He helped me climb off the car.
“What are we doing here?” I asked making the dry leaves crunching under my feet as we walked.
“I do not want anyone to interrupt us.” He simply responded.
We sat under a tree. The sunset reflected in the lake water. I missed this. I missed that he was next to me and he play with my fingers. I missed his scent. I missed his arms around me and his green eyes as he looked at me.
“I am a piece of shit. I have spent these two months drinking and some weeks ago I started smoking. It didn’t work correctly without you, Emma. God, for me it has been hell without you. But I decided to change. Yesterday I started rehabilitation. I want to be here to Ethan...”
“Do not you think it's a little late for that?” I asked looking at the horizon. Imagining how things would be if everything would have been different. Maybe I would be choosing my wedding dress right now...
“No, it is never late for anything. I want to be here for him. I do not want to be the kind of father who is never there and look his son only once every three months. I'm not saying that we are together again, but at least we should be friends for him.”
“Ethan.” I hissed. I was angry that he didn’t even know that.
“Ethan?”
“His name is Ethan. Anne didn’t tell you?”
“No, Mom didn’t say anything. I like Ethan.”
I said nothing. The truth is that it still hurt every time I watched or remembered him and now I wanted to cry.
“Okay, you're his father and if you want to be with him and support him the doors are open. But do not expect to come back to you. You've done me a lot of damage and I want to get on with my life. I want to be happy with someone who does not make me cry whenever he happens to play me tricks.”
“I understand. Does this have to do with it? With that Jared guy.”
”It's not him. It's the fact that every time you want to change me. Why did you deceive me? We were going to get married and...”
“I did it for because I missed you... I wanted to stop feeling alone just because you were not in my arms.”
I rolled my eyes.
“You know what, let it be. If you want to be with Ethan is perfect, but I need you to let me make my life. I want to be happy Harry.” I said resting my face in my hands.
“Can’t you be happy with me?”
“I tried to be and look how it ended.”
“Sorry. Emma... I need to know something. Jared... Is he something of yours? You know the romantic way...”