Harry
I've been a mess lately. I refused to see my friends, who were trying really hard to keep the contact, but I always snapped at them, since two days, they're not even trying anymore. Gina was the only one still messaging me, asking what happened.
I haven't slept more than two hours the day, I haven't eaten and I'm just really heart broken.
I missed her.
I missed her scent, I missed her laugh, her voice. I missed everything about her so fucking much. My heart was in a million pieces.
Right now, I'm walking home from my morning shift. I was grumpy these days and the woman in the bakery, didn't know what to do. I loved them, but I was letting my anger out on them, when they've never done anything wrong.
That's why I asked for a week off, and of course, the allowed. I was walking home, minding my business, when I saw her.
She was kneeling down in front of the little guy, she once interacted with. We had a fight back then and I tried to make it up to her. She was looking beautiful as always, even though I only saw her back.
Her blonde hair was falling down her back and the little guy hugged her tightly, his arms closed around her neck. I couldn't do anything, but staring. I was frozen on the spot.
I just wanted to go up to her and hug her. Kiss her soft lips and get my hand tangled up in her hair. I want to press her against a wall and make her feel good. I want her to moan my name and ... she turned around.
The stupid fella I was, I turned around, too and just as I was about to walk away, her voice called my name ever so softly.
"Harry." she begged and I froze again.
I closed my eyes, balled my fists and tried to breathe regularly.
And then I turned around.
She looked tired. Sad, tired and exhausted.
"Millie." my voice broke. I cleared my throat and looked at the ground. I felt her presence coming nearer and when she was standing in front of me, I finally looked up.
"You look breathtaking." she tried to smile, but I knew she lied. I let out an bitterly laugh, "I know I look like shit." and with that she chuckled, too. "I feel like shit, Millie." I pinched the bridge of my nose and pressed my lips together into a thin line.
I was trying so hard not to hug her tightly to my chest.
"Me too, Harry." She whispered and I looked up. "Than why did you have to do that? Why did you have to play with me like that?" I asked, almost crying. I was still so in love with her and it hurt me so bad to see her.
"Harry, I need to explain, please." She begged. "Please, let's go somewhere private and talk, I have not much time left, maybe half an hour, please let me explain." she pleaded, her hands taking mine. I looked down to her and only now I noticed the eye bags she had and her dry lips, she looked skinnier. She just didn't looked healthy at all.
After some thoughts, I nodded. I wanted to hear her story as well and I wanted to be in her presence. Maybe this was our last talk, so I needed that for closure.
"Let's go to mine?" I unsurely asked and she stiffened at the mention. But she shook her head slightly and exhaled. "Okay."
***
After we arrived at mine, I closed the door behind me and something in my head snapped. "Why? Why did you have to hurt me like this?" I started, but I felt like being drugged. My mind was clouded and everything was in a blur.
May have been because I've been drunk the last days constantly and I may have taken some weird ass drugs and I'm still not really sober.
So I did, what I thought was right.
I kissed her.
I kissed her lips roughly and gripped her waist. The touch I've missed so much lately. The feeling of her warmness radiated from her right into my heart, melting the ice block that formed around it. I pressed her into the wall and indicated her to jump, which she did. I pressed my eyes together, trying to get rid of my dark thought. I kissed her like I've never kissed her before, sliding my tongue into her warm mouth, where her tongue instantly connected with mine. She moaned slightly into my mouth and I responded by getting rid of her shirt.
"Harry." she moaned, while I was kissing her collarbone. I disconnected my lips to open her jeans and pulled my shirt over my head and threw it somewhere in the corner.
I let her down for a moment, pulled her jeans down and kissed her along her pretty thighs. She gripped my hair and moaned at my kisses. I let my emotions work for me, shutting my brain off completely.
Then I made her jump onto me again, where she tightened her legs around my waist and only loosened the contact so I could pull my jeans and my briefs down. My fingers where working on her panties, which I pulled to the side and without a warning, I entered my rock hard cock into her, the warmness engulfing me completely. I felt her walls clenching around me, like she always did, but I was not scolding her. I felt her hands roaming through my hair and around my neck and I tried to memorise everything she did. I tried to memorise her hands on my body and her warm walls around my dick.
"Harry, I missed you." she moaned into my neck, while I was rocking into her. I did not answer, though.
"I love you so much." she moaned and I closed my eyes, trying not to respond. I needed to let go, not to keep her with me.
Suddenly, I felt her stiffen. She removed her hands from me and when I looked up to her, I saw the tears falling down her eyes. I kept rocking into her, but still confused as why she was crying.
"What's wrong?" I asked breathlessly.
"Nothing." she answered and smiled faintly.
When I finally came, (I know it's weird that I finished, even though she was crying, but I was still drugged and slightly drunk and a mess.) I let her down and she didn't even look at me. She put her clothes on again and sunk down on the ground, her face hidden in her knees and loud sobs escaping her mouth.
"That was a goodbye, wasn't it?" She sniffled and that's when it hit me.
What have I done?
"Millie.." I started, but she was just crying loudly into her knees. "I never wanted to hurt you, Harry." every sob that I heard, made my heart ache.
"But you did." I pointed out and she looked up. "I know. For gods sake I know. But to use me for your sexual needs, is actually hurting, too." She semi yelled at me and slowly got up.
"I'm not your doll. I wanted to have a talk, explain things. But that you brought me here to fuck me and then say goodbye, is actually the lowest." She seethed and to say I was confused was an understatement.
"Oh so what you've done is completely reasonable? You played me, you fucking played my feelings and here I am, still talking to you." I argued senselessly.
"Who told you that you had to talk to
me, Harry? I miss you, I fucking miss you. I still love you and I probably will forever. Don't you miss me?" at the end she was barely above a whisper.
I snapped, "YOU DON'T GET TO ASK ME IF I MISS YOU. YOU THREW AWAY THE RIGHT TO MISS ME THE DAY YOU WALKED OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE." I screamed at her, finally letting out my emotions.
"What I don't understand is, how can someone tell so many lies and not even feel bad for it." She tried to answer, but I had a speech prepared and silently told her to shut up. "I trusted you. I trusted you with everything I had. I wanted to make this work and it worked out. We were good for each other. I love you so much, I can't even think straight. I miss you everyday, ever second of every damn fucking day. I can't get over how you live so near and yet so far. You know, I never liked love songs, but suddenly, every love song makes sense to me. Everything they're writing about, makes so much sense. I'm so tired of listening to excuses, I want to know I'm important to you. I want you to make an effort into it and tell me the fucking truth. I haven't slept for days. You stopped saying goodnight and I stopped sleeping. I need you, but I can't need you. I want you, but I can't have you. I'm talking nonsense, but that's how I feel. Everything without you is just a fucking pain in the arse. I lost my will to do anything, because I miss you and I can't stand another second without you." She was just standing in front of me, letting me scream at her.
"I can't go to college, I can't go to work, I can't bare seeing my friends. Everywhere I go, I see your face in front of me. In my sleep, Millie, in my fucking sleep." My voice broke and tears started spilling, "I see you everywhere. I've never loved anyone like I love you. And you played me so well. You broke my fucking heart after I let you in. I let my walls down for as well, I let you see every side of me. It's been barely half a year, but why do I have the feeling that my heart is so broken, it can't be mend. Why does is hurt so fucking much? Why does it hurt so bad? Why does it feel like I'll never get over you? I just want to know if that pain ever ends." I pathetically cried, still not breaking my gaze from Millie's.
Not to mention that she was crying as well, her whole face was wet from the tears she spilled. We were just standing in my hallway, crying at each other and me letting out my emotions.
"I miss you so much. I miss your touch and I miss your laugh, I miss your grumpy morning self and your kindness. I miss your fingers on my skin, burning my skin with it. I miss the fireworks in my stomach I get, every time I see you. I miss how you sit on my lap and hide your face into my shoulder. I miss how you can defend yourself, I miss how you put others in their places. I miss your poems I read, when you were asleep and I read them, even though you didn't knew. I know, I read them without your permission, but I miss your poems. I miss how you always forget about anything when you start thinking about something. I miss how you are actually so socially awkward and I miss you being around me. I love you so much." I breathlessly stopped and looked at her.
Her gaze was fixed on the floor all the time, she would not look up to me and her tears were already on my floor.
"And the worst thing is, I can't have you anymore. Even when you decide to leave him, I can't go back to you. You know that saying 'You're allowed to miss the people who were bullets to you, but you're not allowed to let them shoot you again.' That's it. That's how I feel about it. Eventually I'll get over you and finally move on, but it's the end for us. I can't put up with that pain anymore. I'll probably move out and you can stay with.. Elliot." I cringed, "and be happy with him, but.."
"Harry." she cried loudly, "Listen to me for one second, for fucks sake." she demanded and I opened my mouth to protest, because I had another list of like 5000 words to tell her how I felt, but she bend over, picked up a shoe and actually threw it at me.
"Millie, what the fuck?" I asked in disbelief. It wasn't a funny situation, but I couldn't miss the smirk in her face, which warmed my heart.
"Harry, listen to me for one damn fucking second, Jesus." Then she walked up to me and said three words, which almost made me faint. All the colour drained out of my face and my breath started coming out in small breaths, my lungs started to hurt and my legs almost gave out.
"Elliot abuses me."