KAILEY~
I remain at the balcony, concealed by our artificial bamboo plant, as I get a bird’s eye view of Irony Affairs packing their things and mounting them in their vehicles. Seeing Trevor helping in the arrangement of their stuff makes me want to scream, but something just forbids me to do so. I rejected him, didn’t I? I’ve thought of my actions deeply to the point that I had to take in alcohol to escape from my Trevor-related stress. I needed rest.
But by the end of the day, I just know I can’t return those feelings anymore. The old me had died. I just can’t bring her back, not after all the ache she’s received.
The house was immersed with a jovial mood these past couple of days, but things were just so melodramatic between me and Trevor. I’m not saying that I hated the melodrama, I’m just—
“Trevor! Why aren’t the boxes of used clothes in the compartment? Argh, you fuckin’ cockstar!”
Did Zephyr just... call Trevor... a fuckin’ cockstar?!
Instantly, my blood boils.
Trevor acts like he didn’t hear Zeph at all. He just plods to Xave’s SUV and takes two boxes that are beside the driver’s door. I wait for the furious hothead inside of him to emerge, but Trevor didn’t do anything interesting. Argh, what a pity! Hurriedly, with clenched fists, I dart across our corridor ‘til I reach the stairs. Not long after, I step on our grassy front yard, where everyone else is gathered.
Seething with anger, I approach Zeph menacingly. “Yo, Zeph!” I call out.
He turns around and grins widely. “Oh hey, Poxy! Before I forget I would just like—Ow!”
Bwahaha. My fist flew under his sternum and directly at his gut. Down to his knees Zephyr goes. I show him an evil smile and I laugh malevolently inside. I don’t regret this one bit. In fact, letting out my fury in one punch feels so damn good.
All eyes stares at me with horror. The Irony boys and my bandmates begin to laugh at Zeph rolling on the grass, but it’s Trevor’s gaze is different that caught my attention. Unlike the others who are focused on Zeph, He looks at me with parted lips and widened eyes. My world has slowed down during the eye contact, like for a moment there, there is only me and Trevor.
“What was that for, Poxy?!” Zeph asks, clutching his stomach while shakily standing up.
“I just felt like giving you a punch,” I say coolly and loudly for everyone else to hear. Then in a soft whisper, I snarl, “Fucking cockstar.”
Instantly, from the look on his face, I know he understood why I came down here. I shoot Trevor another look and he gives me a brittle smile.
This reminds me of the good ol’ days, when I’d always pour out my anger with bullies and jerks through fists. I once punched Zeph’s little brother Jake in the stomach for being a bastard around Trevor. The blow I gave to Jake is nothing compared to the one I gave Zeph. Jake wasn’t able to attend school the next day.
“Holy hell! Kailey the Badass She-wolf* is back!” Xavier exclaims, taking in shallow breathes between bursts of laughter.
Trevor’s brittle smile fades into a genuine one, like he’s remembered the same thing Xave and I recalled.
Maybe Xave’s right. Maybe, the old me still lives after all. See that, Trevor? I don’t know exactly when I heard you begging for her to come back, but she’s still here. Only, she’s unable to forgive you. And she wants to say sorry. She was one who’d do anything for you, and she’s still willing to.
“And oh, Zeph? Say hi to Jake for me.” I wink.
For the remaining minutes, I stand between Keana and August while watching the Irony boys load the last of their stuff. I’m biting my tongue, but the pain doesn’t compare to the chaos of emotions I’m feeling. I want them to stay. Even if being around Trevor is awkward, I want them to stay.
The engines of both cars roar. Trevor is the last one to get inside the car, but before he does, he heads my direction. My heart immediately races while I watch him come closer. What does he want now? Keana pushes me forward, and before I curse her for doing so, Trevor’s already up close. Our eyes locked for a few seconds, and I can’t help but see the same piercing sad eyes I saw at the rooftop when he gave me the ring. The poignancy is infectious.
“May I borrow her for a sec?” Trevor asks, and August and Keana leaves us alone.
It’s already sunset. The glorious sun paints the sky a vivid orange and salmon pink. The breeze is tranquil, just like I hoped my panicking heart would be.
Trevor swallows and whispers, “Hey, I just wanna say goodbye.”
I manage to give a slight smile. “Take care and thanks for visiting.”
This time, it’s my turn to initiate a hug. It’s just a friendly hug and nothing more, I remind myself. Surprising him, I wrap my arms around his waist which he hesitatingly returns. In the middle of the embrace, he whispers to me again, “I have something for you. I want you to have this,” he hands me another box, one wider and more planar than the box that held my raven ring. “I figured that whether you accept me or reject me, I should let you have it.”
He is the first one to pull away from the embrace. “Open it later, maybe after you eat your dinner or something, promise?”
I nod in agreement, though it confuses me why he wants it opened later in the evening. “Goodbye, Kailey, and I hope this won’t be our last farewell.” He turns around and heads to the vehicles, leaving me there dumbfounded with his little remembrance.
Much else has happened before they go but I remain still. Time flashes before my very eyes until they left. Even if their cars are out of the driveway, I stand motionless, wishing in my head that I reached for him when I had the chance.
The once love of my life left me.
It was just minutes ago, but I feel like I’ve been abandoned for decades.
*****
The kitchen smelled like burger steak and potato fries. The aroma of Keana’s dishes is alluring indeed, but it just can’t overpower the melancholy that swept over me. I ask a favor from August to tell the other folks that I’m not going to eat supper today and I walk heavily towards my room.
After sitting on my bed, I hastily open Trevor’s box wrapped in black and white paper. Inside, I see strips of paper surrounding a CD in a case.
What’s this? A video? Slideshow? Is there something he wants me to watch?
I quickly reach for my laptop to play the disk. My screen shows the file inside it: a lone folder with one audio file in it. I have an immediate guess on what it is, but I can’t be too sure. Clicking on the file, I sigh deeply and prepare my ears. God, I hope I don’t get too emotional again.
The recording starts to play. “Hi Kailey,” a husky voice begins, and I swear it’s Trevor’s. “It’s been a long while since the Irony Of Flames tour, huh? Man, I miss that tour. Today’s an April evening here in San Francisco and I feel lonely. Well, not anymore because recording this for you feels like I’m actually talking to you. Okay, I sound crazy, huh? Dang, Xavier and the others will laugh at me when he hears this. Anyway, I wrote a song dedicated to you. I hope you like it.”
I hear a strum followed by mellow plucking. I could imagine Trevor’s hands working like magic on the acoustic guitar’s fretboard. His dexterity amuses me; it always has.
Everytime I draw close to you, I mask my shame with a smile
‘Cause the nightmares of our past, keeps on burning me to the ground
And I long for the days, when you were there as my light
Because when we parted, I lost the Flame that kept me alive
I press the pause button and breathe in to let everything sink in.
I don’t really want to believe it, but it is real. Trevor wrote a song for me. After all those years in the music career he’s finally wrote a song for me. It’s a sad melody but it’s a song written for me. For me. And the lyrics, they speak to me.
I’m a fool to say I didn’t need you
I always needed my angel with flaring wings
And I hoped you’ve heard it as a lie...
Lie? Don’t tell me, this is what he meant by, “I love you even more”? That the feeling has always been there? All those years, wasted? Feeling queasy, I bite the corner of my pillow. What has happened to us?
Hot tears start to well up in the corner of my eyes and I wipe them before they fall, recalling the bitter memories of those sad eyes begging me to change my mind. And the worst part is? Somehow, somewhere rooted within me, wails a tortured emotion saying that it's best if we leave each other alone while another emotion begs me to give ‘us’ a second chance. My head favors the former while my heart wants the latter.
...the music died after our bittersweet goodbye.
Trevor, no. God Trevor, no no no... Why tell me this only now?
“Until next time, Trevor. Farewell.”
And here I am remembering something I thought I had forgotten—the bitter past, good ol’ high school days. I miss those glorious times. My life during the five-year interval was so lifeless—no spice, no thrill to it at all. When he came back again my life turned into a whirlpool again, and I hate to admit it, but it’s a whirlpool in a good way.
How could I we live like hearts aren’t broken?
How could we pretend that everything’s fine?
I bury my face in my pillow, imagining that the pillow is Trevor’s chest. He has always been my emotional support and the cause of my breakdowns at the same time. He makes me crazy and yet he also keeps me sane.
Remember those years Kailey? Those years when you wanted him so bad? Those times when you fell asleep thinking about those brown eyes and fluffy midnight black hair, and you'd do anything for that heartwarming smile?
When all these years we aren’t together
We have been living a lie
As I lift my head for air, an uncontrollable teardrop falls. My heart sinks at every word of his composition and falters at how poignant his voice sounds. For another two bars playing the harmonic minor scale, depression and grief covers me like a choking blanket. Tears start to stream down my cheeks, and I couldn’t stop sobbing.
Lie. We’ve been living a lie. What happened to us?
My Flame, would you give me one more try?
Give him another try, when I am reminded of my old self and the sins of my past every time I try to bring back the feelings I buried so long ago? How I wish I could! I’m still trying to return them, but it’s just so hard for me. It’s like I’m giving up my sanity.
Don’t say I didn’t try, Trevor. I’m having a hard time as you are.
My Flame, don’t burn out, don’t burn out
Please burn for me, light up my soul once again.
My Flame.
“...you’re worth a million songs, Kailey. I love you.”
I stare blankly at my laptop’s screen, tears still rolling down my face as I clutch the raven ring he gave me. In the next minutes, the room is filled with nothing but my sobs and hitched breathing. A dark mood comes over me. I’m too glum to move a limb, and too depressed to think of anything else but Trevor.
I put the song in repeat until it becomes a dull rhythm that plays for infinity. I lay in bed shattered and motionless, drowning myself in my own sorrow, with a million voices screaming at me for yet another mistake I’ve done.
Trevor’s gone because I hurt him.
It’s all because of me.
Why did I have hurt the one I love the most?
Why?
*****
Much to my dismay, Brynn follows me after I climbed down the stage. Making sure she doesn’t notice, I gradually quicken my pace until I get lost in a pool of technicians and managers. Just when I thought I had lost her, she shows up in front of me with an angered expression.
“What’s up with you?!” Brynn shrieks. “You immediately leave after a live performance and then lock yourself inside the hotel room! Fans are waiting for you at the album signing booth! Don’t tell me you’re planning to skip this for the third time?”
“I’m not in the mood, Brynnie,” I say flatly. “Go away.”
“Oh, so now you’re shoving me away?” Brynn’s eyes glares at me in resentment and chases after me. Turning my back at her, I walk towards the opposite direction as briskly as I can.
“You’re pathetic, you know that? Don’t tell me the change of mood is all because of your T-rev!”
I just hate how my best friend good at reading my mind. Worse, Brynn knows that using the nickname I gave Trevor back then is a laceration to my ego and is good enough to have me speak. “Trevor,” I correct.
She gives a loud hiss and rolls her eyes. “You know what? I’m starting to believe that you still have feelings left for him!”
I sharply turn to face her, my eyes watery as the handful moments I hoped to change returns to me. “What if I still do, Brynn?” I grip her by the shoulders. My voice fades into a small, stricken tone as I repeat the question. “What if I still do?”
Though Brynn seems to be expecting it, she doesn’t seem pleased about this one bit. “I told you that guy’s nothing but trouble! Do I have to remind you of Jane again?”
“Enough with Jane, please!” I beg desolately. “Just stop it, Brynn. Please stop! It’s not Trevor’s fault that Jane existed in his world! He doesn’t need to suffer this! Now I can’t give him what he wants and I can’t be happy just because of the childish prank we played on him!”
She only stares at me, though I can’t see a tinge of pity in her look. It is more like, she’s trying to tell me that I’m being absurd.
“Brynn, I’m dying inside,” I add, trying to hold back my tears. “My heart still cares.”
Sighing, she replies, “Nothing’s gonna change my opinion about him.”
“That’s because you weren’t the brave idiot who loved him and his foolishness!” I yell, and because I don’t want her anymore near me, I run. However, I bump into a group of people hindering my escape, that she catches up to me again.
“Here.” Brynn hands me her notebook of our tour dates and places and I just stare down at it in confusion.
“But, that's...”
“I know you need this. Call me crazy, but I actually expect that you’d steal this from me one of these days. You, Kailey, look like somebody who is in a dire need of a rehab.”
“B-but...”
“I still don’t like Trevor, but I can’t take it seeing you this way.” She reaches for my hand and inserts the notebook between my thumb and four other fingers. “Take it before I change my mind.”
I immediately give her a massive bear hug upon realizing the numerous things I could do with just her notebook. “Brynniepoop! Thank you thank you thank you!” I never actually asked for it, and yet she willingly gave it to me. The rehab comment’s a different story though. I might have to get back at her one day.
“Whoa, you’re crushing me, Kaileypoop! You’re welcome. Don’t mess up this time, alright?”
And this is why our friendship is indomitable over the years.
I nod and quickly dial a friend’s number. I give Brynn a smile of gratitude which she wholeheartedly returns.
My heart is thumping wildly as I wait for the other line to pick up. All the gloomy mood’s gone, replaced by excitement. I’m like a crazy Trevor Radburn fangirl falling in line for a Meet & Greet with the guitarist in my squeal out of pure exhilaration.
Second chances are rare, but common to the lovesick fools. Because that’s how love is, we always open death-traps disguised as doors willingly which makes us pathetically foolish. I'll make those wasted years worth the wait.
“Poxy?” Xavier sleepily says.
“Hi, Xave.” I grin. “Will you do me a huge favor?”
~*~*~
A/N: *Kailey’s called a Badass She-wolf back in high school since she beat up bullies and jerks. Why She-wolf? ‘Cause Xavier once said that she ‘burned the bricks down’ of three fat bullies Kailey called ‘The Pigs’.
Copyright: Trevor’s song is my own composition. I was trying to find a good song that fits the mood and their story, but I couldn’t find any so I made one instead. Yes, I am a songwriter, but I’m like Kailey—I don’t do love songs. I did my best here though T.T